The Weirdest Things That Have Ever Happened to Me

By Veronica Vulpine

My name is Veronica Vulpine. I wish that I could say that I had a really exciting life being an extra in Miami Vice or involved in a witchcraft covenant, but I am just me living on a lonely mountainside. I have suffered through a high school that I hated, a college that I hated, and buying a house and then losing my job. I have dealt with many terrible jobs over the years to make ends meet, and many weird things have happened to me in the meantime. But I have managed to survive. I hope these tales give you a chance to endure whatever you are dealing with in life with a sense of humor, because if I didnt have one, Id be hanging somewhere by my shoelaces by now! I hope my little catharsis makes you all laugh, because that is the best medicine! Enjoy!

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Oct 30, 2017
• ISBN: 9781546214571

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© 2017 Veronica Vulpine. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 10/25/2017

ISBN: 978-1-5462-1458-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5462-1457-1 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Weird Shit Involving Chocolate Animals

Weird Shit Involving Real Animals

Other Things I Was Almost Mauled By

Weird Things Involving Other People With Disasters Caused by Alternate Forms of Wildlife

Weird Shit Involving Terrible Traffic Accidents

Other Stories Involving Directional Impairment

Other Weird Stories about Being Trapped in Terrible Places

Other Weird Shit Involving Tampons Almost Causing Horrific Auto Accidents and Other Accidents in General

Weird Things Involving Propane and My Rage Disorder

Weird Shit Involving My Rage Disorder Without Propane

More Weird Shit Involving Vehicles that I Actually Had Nothing to Do With (for Once)

More Weird Shit Involving Propane and Not Trucks

More Weird Shit Involving Propane AND a Water Heater

Weird Things That I Have Done To Even Rival My Husband’s Stupidity, Like My Accidental Overdose at Work

Weird Shit Involving Motorcycles Not Involving Overdoses

Other Weird Things Involving My Supernatural Strength

Weird Things Involving Terrible Landlords that I Should Have Used My Supernatural Strength On

Other Weird Things Involving Places I’ve Had to Stay

Terrible Weird Things Involving Food at Places that I Have Either Bartended at or Waitressed at that Don’t Involve Poisonous Snakes

Other Weird Things Involving Tupperware Holding Food Probably of a Better Grade of What I Was Used to Serving

Other Things Involving Construction, But Not Involving Tupperware

In Conclusion

I’m sure that everyone in life has that one pivotal moment, when they actually wonder if everyone’s life is as shitty as theirs. Well, I’m here to tell you, that they are. My stepdad (my dad) always had a saying over the years that managed to stick with me forever, Everyone is miserable in life, the only people you will ever be jealous of, are the ones that are just really good fucking liars. No truer words have been spoken! This novella is here to cheer you up!

Weird Shit Involving Chocolate Animals

When I was a little, I was always brought up to be completely compassionate toward animals. This made me slightly weird, because every year when I would get my Easter basket, I would only eat the animal’s chocolate bodies, but NEVER THEIR HEADS! So eventually I would end up every year with a basket full of heads! My parents would scream, What the hell is it with this basket of heads?!? I don’t want to hurt the animals! I would scream back! What kind of reverse psychology was this? Love animals, don’t eat them! I will still to this day never eat a chocolate bunny’s head!

Weird Shit Involving Real Animals

Anyway, I have never lived in the country before, but I am pretty well adept with dealing with anything…until somehow one night, this GIANT GREEN BAT GETS INTO MY HOUSE! This thing is stuck in the kitchen, flaying about and knocking shit over! Help, HELP! WE’LL ALL BE KILLED! CRASH! There goes another martini glass! Now, if you ever had good parents, they would have taught you the Golden Rule. If you completely hide under the covers, monsters CANNOT get you! I’m in my early twenties, and am now cowering under my comforter upstairs (which at this given time, WAS NOT VERY FUCKING COMFORTING!) SMASH! From downstairs! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON DOWN THERE?!? A bar fight involving a lot of whiskey and PCP?!? I couldn’t have made a tighter cocoon for myself! I could barely breathe! But at least I was safe from the uninvited intruder!

In the morning, things had a different perspective. I found the perpetrator. It wasn’t a bat! After research, I found out it was a Luna Moth! (Which from the amount of dishes being thrown in my kitchen, furniture being knocked over, and assorted nick knacks being destroyed, I more or less referred to it as the Lunatic Moth!) If you are unfamiliar with these beautiful creatures, they are completely harmless, absolutely stunning, but are as big as both of your hands put together in some kind of fake butterfly shape! I find this engine of destruction, scoop it up with an envelope, and set him outside, probably sending him off to terrorize more home owners!

Anyway, when I worked for the Postal System, the one ABSOLUTE rule was that NOBODY EVER leaves their vehicle running or unattended! It was considered a federal offense, because someone could run off with the mail! Because everyone is breaking their necks to steal everyone else’s unpaid bill statements! (I hear there is a huge demand for these!) Which is why when I stopped for the travesty on a dead end road out in the middle of nowhere, this in retrospect, was a terrible idea!

There is a brand new SUV parked in the snow with a man screaming and a lady, who was dressed to the nine’s in a long, expensive leather coat with her hair perfectly coiffed, was running through the woods in a pair of Italian boots! Thinking that these nitwits from Jersey had just bumped a deer with their car and had no capabilities of mentally dealing with any such dilemmas, against my better judgment, I pull over to try and assist them. Then the epic disaster started. Happy domestic dispute! Apparently, the wife was an extreme cat lover, and HER HUSBAND WAS NOT! There’s two kittens in the woods! she wailed! Her husband, completely berserk by this time screams, "We already have SEVEN FUCKING CATS, YOU FUCKING DUMB CUNT!

I simultaneously made two decisions here. Either A.) I leave, and let this hurricane of emotional destruction blow over, in the hopes that no one else but the cats end up in the woods besides the wife 6 feet under, or B.) I try and help this poor woman who, despite her best efforts to look spectacular to whatever place they were headed to, was completely in disarray, covered in tears and mascara everywhere! Dear, God, WHY?!? WHY CAN’T I JUST HAVE ONE FUCKING NORMAL DAY?!? So, I decide to help her. I go running through the woods and managed to tackle these two, little puffballs (it probably helped that I was wasn’t wearing 5" Italian stilettos).

Well, I managed to catch them. Now I have one in each hand, like the most furriest Carnivorous Kitten Mittens that you can imagine! These two little bastards WOULD NOT STOP BITING ME! Now I’m screaming at the wife! WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THESE?!? She’s still hysterical, her husband is still shrieking, AND THESE THINGS ARE STILL ATTACHED TO MY HANDS AND ARE PSYCHOTIC!

She finally gets herself under control and asks if I would