Principle-Centered Parenting:: A Spiritual Approach

By Phyllis Williams

Principle-Centered Parenting is not about controlling, manipulating or changing childrens external behavior. It is about starting healthy spiritually based thinking that changes behavior from the inside out. Focusing on controlling or changing external behaviors is like trying to change a picture projected on a screen without changing the film in the camera. As children learn to love good, their behavior reflects their thinking and bad behavior dissolves like darkness when we turn on a light.
We cannot teach a drowning person how to swim. Similarly, we cannot teach healthy behavior to an out of control child. It is necessary to stop destructive or harmful behavior with temporary measures, but long-term learning takes time, repetition, creative insight and willingness to listen to our inner spiritual parenting guide. Teaching behavior principles is similar to teaching math or reading. It takes loving patience and faith in a childs ability to learn. When children understand correct principles, their mistakes disappear.
Parables like the Wheat and Tares explain the spiritual law of growth and development. The scriptures contain powerful stories that make spiritual laws practical and effective in parenting and daily family life. Principle-Centered Parenting is a guide for parents to tap into their own and their childrens infinite spiritual resources.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 12, 2015
• ISBN: 9781514412169

Phyllis Williams

Phyllis Williams was born on a small farm in the beautiful hills of Crowleys Ridge in Northeast Arkansas. She graduated from Methodist Nursing School in Memphis, Tennessee, worked as a registered nurse in St. Louis, Missouri, then joined the Air Force Nurse Corp. and served two years in Biloxi, Mississippi. She married and when discharged from the Air Force, she moved to Mesa, Arizona, where she worked as a charge nurse. She moved to San Jose, then Cupertino, California where she raised her three children and started a state licensed preschool daycare for twenty-four children. She was Director for fifteen years. Her oldest daughter took over the daycare when Phyllis moved to Denver, Colorado where she finished her degree in Social Science at Regis University and worked toward a Masters degree in The Psychology of Parenting. She is grandmother of seven and currently lives in Georgetown, Texas.

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Copyright © 2015 by Phyllis Williams.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

NKJV

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

THE MESSAGE

Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress publishing Group.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 09/30/2015

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Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 Freedom and the Gift of Change

Chapter 2 Children’s Rights

Chapter 3 Self-Esteem and Spiritual Identity

Chapter 4 Claiming Our Infinite Self

Chapter 5 Beyond Discipline to Principle

Chapter 6 Beyond Social Skills

Chapter 7 Healing Anger: A Cry for Love

Chapter 8 Beyond Work to Spiritual Creativity

Chapter 9 Love Never Fails

Chapter 10 And a Little Child Shall Lead Them

References

This book is dedicated to those who seek to begin a journey into deeper spiritual waters, the infinite source of eternal life. Our children can help awaken us to our inner child of God, our perfect spiritual self.

I am the Lord your God

who teaches you what is good for you

and leads you along the paths you should follow.

—Isaiah 48:17

INTRODUCTION

P rinciple-centered parenting is not about personal authority or obedience to person, but about obedience to principle, the law of divine love governing the universe. Children need to obey parents, but spiritual obedience is to inner principles, values, and spiritual guidance, not to person. Principle-centered parenting is a spiritual approach to bring out the innate goodness, intelligence, and creativity of children and of parents. Children are spiritual beings. Their growth is from the inside out, not from the outside in.

Spiritual evolution demands continual progress, change, and spiritual growth. The whisper of soul or Spirit, the still place inside all of us, the source of all life, God, the invisible principle of the universe, the source of our inspiration and answer to every problem, is insistently calling us to a new understanding of freedom. The deep yearning for freedom, love, and spiritual worth is motivating a passion for spiritual fulfillment.

Principle-centered parenting is not about manipulating, controlling, or changing children’s external behavior. Parenting is bringing out children’s God-given intelligence, creativity, unique talents, and passionate interests. It is teaching new healthy ways of thinking. Parenting is discovering the kingdom of heaven within us and rediscovering the spiritual child of God already within our spiritual consciousness here and now.

Jesus’ teachings are not just a nice way to live but are also deep and powerful spiritual laws. When Jesus’s disciples asked who would be greatest in the kingdom of heaven, he called a little child into their midst and told them that unless they were converted and become as little children, they could by ‘no means enter the kingdom of heaven’ (Matt. 18:2,5). He further stated that whoever humbles himself as a little child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Children have no worldly position, possessions, prestige, and attachment to world beliefs. They express spiritual innocence, unconditional love, and childlike receptiveness to spiritual truths before they are conformed to the behavior and customs of this world.

Jesus further says, Take heed that you do not despise [dishonor] one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven (Matt. 18:1). God’s face is Spirit, and angels are spiritual messengers that children are receptive to. This powerful spiritual law tells us we must honor children as God’s perfect spiritual image and likeness.

Children are always seeking a connection to love, a loving bond with adults and other important persons in their family and community. They use mistaken behaviors to get attention that will give them interaction and importance to parents and teachers. Teaching healthy relationship is similar to teaching children how to walk, talk, or ride a bike. We don’t scold or punish a child when they fall or fail while learning physical skills. We express joy and delight in each new step of progress. If we punish them for making mistakes, they may become discouraged, fearful, and resistant to taking the risks of learning new physical skills.

When children use mistaken behaviors in trying to connect or establish a bonded relationship, verbal or physical punishment may temporarily stop the mistake, but it leaves a vacuum until a new healthy behavior is learned. When healthy behavior is learned, negative behavior disappears like darkness in the light. Trying to change external behavior without teaching new ways of thinking and relating is like trying to change a picture on a screen without changing the film in the camera.

If we scold a child for stating that 2 + 2 = 5, we may leave a vacuum and she may decide that 2 + 2 = 3 or 7, until she understands the correct principle. There are not two principles of math, one wrong and one right. There is only one right principle. We do not waste time and confuse her by teaching her why one principle is wrong. We simply teach her the correct principle, and her mistakes disappear. Her mistakes are misperceptions, not part of her being. Mistaken behaviors are like darkness. Darkness is not a reality, but the absence of light. Similarly, mistakes are not a reality to be gotten rid of, but they are the temporary absence of correct principles.

Learning relationship principles requires repetition, time, and maturity. Just as we teach reading basics year after year as the child grows in maturity and understanding, so is teaching the values and principles of relationship a long-term process. As adults, most, or all of us, continue to struggle with some relationship problems, such as anger, criticism, blaming, trying to be right, and judging ourselves and others negatively.

Children do not need perfect parents. They need parents who are receptive to spiritual growth and understanding. This book is about growing and learning spiritually through parenting. It is not about changing children, but about seeing them as they are in their spiritual being. Parenting is about love, principles, leadership, and relationships. It is tapping into an infinite source of love and intelligence that is so powerful it not only can transform children but also can and is transforming the world. Our children are being labeled with many types of behavior disorders and out-of-control negativity. They are being suppressed and treated with drugs and techniques to decrease their acting out. These children are seeking spiritual nourishment, a spiritual love that recognizes, affirms, and appreciates their higher self, their spiritual self, their infinite spiritual being.

Principle-centered parenting is parenting based on awakening to the unseen spiritual consciousness within each one of us and our children. Jesus said, God is Spirit (John 4:23). Spirit is our life, as Paul says, For in Him we live and move and have our being, for we are also His offspring (Acts 17:28). We are in God spiritually. God is not in us, in a limited material sense, but we are in God; and God, Spirit, is our spiritual consciousness. Spiritually, we are full and complete expressions of all the magnificent spiritual qualities of love. Jesus tells us in the parable of the prodigal son that all God has is ours as God’s offspring: Son, you are always with me and all that I have is yours (Luke 15:31, NKJV).

Spiritual parenting is affirming God as our Father. Jesus says, Do not call anyone on earth your father, for One is your Father, He who is in Heaven. And do not be called teachers; for One is your teacher, the Christ (Matt. 23:9–10, NKJV). Earthly parents are temporary guardians of God’s precious children. We are all children of our one heavenly Father Mother God. Spiritual parenting is learning to listen to our inner spiritual guide. Isaiah tells us:

All your children shall be taught by the Lord,

And great shall be the peace of your children.

Change is gently and persistently working its wonders in human consciousness toward new levels of excellence. A new vision is dawning. Resistance can create temporary chaos, but spiritual vision is indestructible. Our future and the future of our children emerge from ideas. Principle-centered parenting is a progressive journey of developing our own well-thought-out principles that make up our inner parenting guide. It is being centered in our spiritual self, the Christ, our infinite being. It is being guided by our principles, not depending on techniques. Techniques may be useful in teaching at times as temporary measures if they are consistent with our highest values and principles, but they frequently tend to focus on external or superficial behavior rather than on developing the child’s inner spiritual qualities.

Principle-centered parenting is changing our thinking about a child, not trying to control or change the child’s external behavior. It is seeing the child through our spiritual vision as the image and likeness of God rather than focusing on changing external behavior. We can guide children, but we cannot control them. Long-term control is mental, and the child alone can control his thinking. If a situation is dangerous or destructive, it may require temporary physical control of the child until he learns self-control. A parent’s first job is the safety and well-being of children. Parenting is guiding, teaching, encouraging, supporting, inspiring, and bringing out the best in a child.

This book does not promote specific techniques or specific methods of teaching children. What works with one child in one situation may create problems in another situation or with another child. Each situation and each parent-child relationship are unique and require insight, intuition, and creativity to respond with spiritual awareness. Focusing on external behavior keeps us busy with surface distractions that hide from us the insight and understanding that are necessary to reveal the needs that promote the individual spiritual progress of each child. This book’s goal is to inspire parents to awaken to their own and their children’s inner greatness and spiritual power. Some scriptures are repeated frequently throughout to inspire deeper spiritual meanings that apply in differing situations.

Parenting is learning to listen to the Christ within, our one teacher and ever-present spiritual guide, and to express creativity, intelligence, and insightful understanding that surpass dependency on superficial, limited techniques. Techniques are like Band-Aids. They can cover or protect a problem while it heals. And they may be beneficial temporarily, but when overused, they tend to create problems rather than solve them.

Children are born with a natural passion for exploring, experimenting, and inventing new ways of learning about their environment, themselves, and their relationship to others. Our job is to support, guide, and encourage them in creative ways to develop their original thinking, ingenious mental abilities, and resourcefulness. Learning to listen to that still small voice is the teaching that awakens us to our spiritual being, our spiritual self, created in the image and likeness of God. Children are born innocent and receptive to good, and they love unconditionally. They do not hold grudges or judge others until they are conformed to worldly beliefs that evil is equal to or more powerful than good.

Paul tells us, Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect (Rom. 12:2). It is spiritual thinking that comes from our Christ consciousness within that is our inner parenting guide.

Every child has the right to know that he or she has unlimited spiritual resources of intelligence, creativity, unique abilities, and talents within his or her spiritual consciousness.

CHAPTER 1

Freedom and the Gift of Change

W hen I was growing up on the farm, we did not have running water or electricity. My family was sharecroppers. We did all the work on the farm for half the profits. Despite working hard all year, we often had to buy groceries on credit and go without basic necessities like shoes and coats that fit. We were grateful for hand-me-downs from relatives. My mom spent all day Saturdays bending over a scrubbing board, washing the family clothes, sheets, towels, and blankets and wringing out the water by hand. It was a long slow process, hard on the back and tiring to the body, but it worked. When my father was able to purchase a gasoline-powered washer with wringers, washday changed dramatically. The washing machine used its powered spinner to jostle the clothes back and forth in the tub until they were clean, then Mom ran them through the wringer into the rinse tubs. We still had to draw water from the well and heat it in the kettle before putting it into the washing machine, and we drew well water to fill the rinse tubs. We carried the wet clothes to the line in the yard and hung them out to blow in the breeze, to soak up the sunshine in the summer and freeze-dry in the winter. The concept of a gas-powered washing machine was always an idea, but someone had to discover the concept and teach others how to use it. It was an invisible idea until visionary thinkers brought it into visible form.

It is easier for society to readily accept visible physical advances in technology and benefit from their use than it is to accept new ideas in the invisible realm of thought and relationships. Our advance in technology grows by leaps and bounds, and we reap benefits abundantly. Our understanding of teaching children behavior principles has progressed far beyond our society’s acceptance and application. Social and cultural growth does not come without a price. Just as children go through temporary periods of negative behavior extremes, before each new stage of development, society also goes through temporary periods of extreme chaos and confusion as traditional patterns of belief break up.

Obedience to inner principles such as love, respect, and integrity motivates spiritual growth and true individuality. Creative thinkers are paving the way to honoring children’s inner greatness. Children learn obedience to inner values by imitating their important role models who practice their highest understanding of inner spiritual principles and values. We honor our own and our children’s spiritual nature when we listen to the Christ within our spiritual consciousness and let God teach us as we teach our children. A proverb tells us to stop trying to figure out things on our own, and listen to that inner spiritual voice that always guides our steps in the direction of unconditional love.

Punishment can stop an undesirable behavior temporarily, but it leaves a vacuum in thought. It does not teach a replacement behavior or insight that finds creative solutions to the problem. Problem behaviors are an absence of understanding, a misperception or ignorance of how to meet one’s emotional or mental needs. Punishment tries to get rid of bad behavior without considering the child’s need to learn new, healthier ways of thinking that encourage more mature behaviors. Punishment needs to be reserved for deliberate sinful, immoral, or criminal acts, not ignorant, immature, or mistaken learning behaviors.

Inappropriate behavior is a temporary absence of healthy thinking, like darkness is the absence of light, not a reality to get rid of. We simply turn on the light and darkness disappears. Similarly, instead of focusing on techniques to get rid of ignorant behavior, we turn on the light of understanding. We teach a child new thinking that encourages behaviors to meet her mental and emotional needs. In order to discover what the child is struggling to learn, we can usually start by mentally reversing the problem behavior. A simple example is when a child is taking things that do not belong to her. We listen for ways to direct her thinking into honesty and respect for other’s possessions. We can teach her that she has, within her spiritual consciousness, the qualities of honesty and how to earn what she needs for herself.

When a child gains sufficient understanding that meets her needs, negative behavior is replaced and forgotten. Her thinking and behaviors mature in proportion to the awakening of her inner spiritual intelligence and abilities. Learning requires time, repetition, and persistence. Learning can be like a lightbulb that comes on suddenly, but usually it has taken much teaching, patience, and creative thinking to arrive at a higher level of understanding.

There was no preschool or kindergarten in the beautiful hills of Northeast Arkansas where I grew up. When I was five, it was believed that I needed to learn the alphabet before starting first grade. I was taught the old-fashioned way. I was drilled daily and punished when I made mistakes. The spankings were not painful, but they discouraged my confidence in my ability to learn. Punishment made learning more difficult and emotionally painful. I learned the alphabet in spite of punishment, not because of it.

I resorted to a swat on the bottom occasionally, when my children were small and I wanted immediate results or was overwhelmed with anger, before I learned more positive and effective ways to teach. On one occasion, my four-year-old daughter refused to sit down in the tub so I could give her a quick bath. I was ill and wanted to go to bed. She wanted her usual leisurely bath. I swatted her on the bottom. She sat down immediately, with her hands covering her bottom, looked up at me, and said, Guy! All day long you teach the day-care kids not to hit. Then you hit me! Is that fair? That was the last time I gave in to the temptation to hit a child. Children learn good behavior best from positive teaching, modeling good behavior, and consistent experiences with warm, loving, and encouraging relationships with parents. Children do not need perfect parents; they need parents who learn and grow through mistakes as well as success. Parents do not have to be perfect, but how we see children and whether we honor them as having great spiritual qualities can profoundly affect their attitude and belief or faith in themselves.

Principle-centered parenting is about how we see children and how we think about them. It is taking our focus off children’s outer behavior and focusing on their inner qualities and abilities. The more we focus on children’s spiritual qualities and celebrate them, the more they will grow in expressing their true nature as God’s image and likeness. Trying to eliminate or change outer behavior is a temporary distraction from the child’s divine nature. Trying to control external behavior is like trying to change a picture projected on a screen without changing the film. Permanent change comes from the inside out by teaching new ways of thinking. Principle-centered parenting is awakening ourselves and our children to our infinite worth and limitless spiritual nature. It is about living our highest principles and refusing to be driven by our most intimidating fears. It is about inspiring our children to self-motivation, tapping into their highest abilities and inner greatness.

The goal is to change how we perceive, interpret, and read children’s behavior and responses. Our thoughts determine our reality. We cannot see thoughts, but we know they