To Whom Do You Owe Your Spouse?: A Purpose-Driven Marriage

By Wilfred R Nkoyo Rev. Major Retired

To this point, my love, hand in hand, we climbed the steepest mountains and walked down the deepest valleys. Side by side, we fought good fights for each other, for our children, and the kingdom; some we lost, some we won. In step, we ran good racessome long, some shortbut never grew weary or fainted. Together, we dreamt and dared many ventures and even though often checkered by setbacks, we never ceased to dream. In all these, together we celebrated glorious moments and also cheered one another in lowly and humbling moments, but through it all, one thing remained a constant companion: faith. We never lost the faith. First, faith in God, who called us as youth; faith in one another; faith in our children; faith in our families; and faith in our friends. It is faith in these entities that gave us the courage, fueled our race, emboldened our daring spirits, and in their sum, inspired purpose to our marriage commitment and to our mutual promise on that day, October 13, 1979, until death to part. You and I kept that promise faithfully for thirty-five years to this point.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jul 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490893815

Wilfred R Nkoyo Rev. Major Retired

Wilfred R. Nkoyo, a retired major of the Kenyan army, was born on July 14, 1954. After graduating from secondary school in Narok, Kenya, in 1973, he went on for advanced levels at Nyandarua High School (1974–75) where he met his future wife, Miss. Mary Mbuthuri. In 1976, he became an officer cadet at the Kenyan Armed Forces Training College, graduating on April 22, 1977. His Excellency Jomo Kenyatta, Kenya President and Commander In Chief commissioned him as an officer in the army. During his twelve years as a combat and staff officer, Nkoyo received extensive training and served in different capacities, including as an assistant military attaché in Washington, D.C., from 1982 to 1984. In October 1979, as an army Lieutenant he got married to his high school sweetheart Mrs. Mary Nkoyo. In August 1988, Nkoyo retired from the army so that he and his wife could get more involved in Christian evangelism, a passion dating back to their high school days. They also wanted to start vocational training projects to help equip young people with the skills for self -advancement. In 1992, Nkoyos decided to return to United States of America with their two little children, Caroline and Armstrong. Wilfred and Mary entered the National Bible Institute in Maryland to study Theology. After graduating, he was ordained as a minister of the gospel in 1995. Wilfred and Mary are experts on youth redemptive interventions and spent years working with troubled, abused, and abandoned youths of all ages from many nations, helping them to reconnect with society and to find purpose in life. From 2001 to 2008, he and his wife worked with the Methodist Children’s Home in Waco, Texas, and with the Baptist Children’s Home in Round Rock, Texas, as home parents. Married for thirty-five years (1979-2014), the author and his late wife became popular speakers in churches on marriage relationships and counseled youth, families and couples in troubled marriages. Their children, Caroline, thirty-four, and Armstrong, thirty-two are both married. He is also a grandfather of two. Major (Retired) Nkoyo is enrolled with the American Military University, pursuing a degree in International Relations and majoring in Globalization and Human Security. An American citizen, he lives in Waco, Texas. He is a fervent advocate and a solid role model for strong marriage commitments and positive parenting.

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Copyright © 2015 Wilfred R Nkoyo, Rev. (Major Retired).

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-9380-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-9381-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015911164

WestBow Press rev. date: 07/30/2015

Contents

Committed to Love and to Protect Mary to the End

Foreword

A Soldier’s Obsession with Love for His Woman

Preface

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1   Meeting My High School Sweetheart

Chapter 2   Building a Career and a Family

Chapter 3   My Military Career Offers Mary a Gospel Mission Field

Chapter 4   Mary’s Prayers shielded me from a Certain Death Trap (1982–84)

Chapter 5   They Come to Our Home to Kill to Steal and to Destroy but find a Heavenly Host Waiting to Resist

Chapter 6   By Faith Mary Pursues Our Preordained Inheritance

Chapter 7   Opening New Doors of Opportunity (2011 to Present)

Chapter 8   A General Who Marched on to the End In Defiance of Infirmities

Epilogue

Appendix

A Pictorial Story of Family in Phases Courtship, Marriage, Parenting and Grand parenting

About the Author

Committed to Love and to Protect Mary to the End

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Mary had adoring eyes for the man she loved and wholly trusted, and this admiration intensified with time to the end. The angelic girl whom I had first seen that night in high school was now mine at last to have, to hold, to love, and to protect. And, as symbolized by the arc of swords on the cover, I was committed to protect her from physical harm with my own life, to shield her from emotional traumas, and to foster her spiritual excellence; committed to uphold her dignity, honor, and respect by all; committed to trust her judgments, decisions, motives, intentions, and counsel to me, and to the end, committed to love, to cherish, to desire, and to admire her daily in sickness or in health until death did us part and so the reason, my own portrait is embedded on her gravestone and my future grave by hers to signify commitment to Mary beyond her earthly life.

Foreword

Writing a foreword for this book—a tribute to the late Rev. Mary Nkoyo, intended also to empower marriage commitments and positive parenting—gives me immense pride and is a unique privilege.

My relationship with Mary and Wilfred Nkoyo dates back to high school days—forty years ago as of June 2014 when Mary passed. I was extremely happy to be admitted to Nyandarua High School after passing my Kenya certificate of primary education. My joy was short-lived when I realized I faced a group of students who had just graduated from form one and were now ready to welcome us to take their place. The bullying that accompanied this welcome of new students was done discretely so that the teachers and prefects would not know. However, the greeting sometimes became so violent that students would end up being expelled from school. I was not spared from this blustering and intimidation.

Two beautiful girls approached me and said, Hi, you mono. You are going to wash our two blouses. The girls had just finished using a curling iron, and their white blouses were covered with grease and dirt. I had to use my soap to do the job. That did not sit well with me, but since I feared a beating, I obliged. A few days passed and the two girls came again with the same demand. This time I did not say anything but took the blouses, put them in the sink, and reported the two girls to the house captain. They were punished. They never repeated that stunt again. One of those girls was Mary Mbuthuri, later Mary Nkoyo. Though she had not yet been saved, she was a star with beauty, elegance, and brains.

Two years down the line, we became birds of the same feather. Mary and I had accepted the Lord as our Savior, and we were now in the same Christian union. We had forgiven each other and had moved on to become good friends.

Not long after that, a handsome young Maasai man named Wilfred Nkoyo entered our school for advanced-level classes. He came swinging a guitar and singing for Jesus without apology. He was an instant attraction for everyone. Mary and Wilfred were active members of our Christian union at the school and that involvement brought them close enough, giving Mary greater advantage over other female admirers. They were most of the time seen together around school. After graduation from high school, the relationship between them blossomed into marriage. The high school sweethearts were now husband and wife.

After we all relocated to the United States, our communication was revitalized. Caroline, their daughter, would sometimes visit our home after she entered Baylor University in Waco, Texas, in 1999. My husband—Pastor Kingori—and I had many opportunities to interact more closely with the Nkoyos after they came down to Texas in 2001. Their love for each other was exemplary. They were together most of the time. You would think they were newlyweds. Our church, Neema Gospel Church, had the honor of hosting them as speakers to our couples on several occasions. The Nkoyos were very resourceful. They were also there to celebrate many church milestones with us.

On June 4, 2014, the Rev. Mary Nkoyo, my friend and big sister, was promoted to glory. My heart was devastated yet I mourned with hope because I knew she had gone to meet her Master, whom she served with single-minded focus and dedication.

One thing that stood out about Mary was the fire of God in her. She still had the passion and tenacity of the guerrillas for Christ, an evangelistic movement that took Kenya by storm during the ’70s revivals. Zeal for the Father’s work consumed her. She sent monthly devotions and calendars to our addresses with her own postage. She loved to worship at every opportunity.

Mary was an ordained minister and founded the International Prayer Network ministry under the auspices of Christian Heritage Ministries International Inc., founded by her and her husband. She coordinated prayer meetings, christened Standing in the Gap, for individuals, families, and nations.

Another thing that stood out about Mary was her spirit of excellence and distinction. She was always elegant in her dress and her presentation. She knew how to adorn herself like royalty. Her colors were always organized and coordinated. She did everything with a sense of perfection. I never once saw Mary sloppily dressed. Her meeting rooms were nicely arranged and decorated. The food was classic and delicious. Mary was also very generous.

Mary struggled with health issues toward the end of her life, but she stood strong even when she faced severe challenges with her deteriorating condition. She remained steadfast in faith and never talked about her weakened health. She was always positive, always tenacious, always standing on the promises of God for healing. There were times when we thought Mary would not last a month, but she would bounce back and stay with us a little longer.

Major Nkoyo stood by Mary’s side during these challenging periods. The way he stayed with his wife in her time of great need is a lesson for all couples. People go to the altar during a wedding and proclaim for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health without stopping to think what those words mean. Many a times we never consider their weight until reality knocks on our door. It has been a great privilege to know the Nkoyos, a couple who fought the good fight, ran the race, and kept the faith all the way to death do us part.

This book will challenge you to look at your marriage as stewardship with an eternal purpose and will highlight the entities that have a stake in your marriage. These entities count on the strength and soundness of your marriage and would suffer untold loss if it fell apart. This danger calls for deliberate stewardship of your marriage as an institution that God has ordained. This possibility should also strengthen your resolve to endure the many challenges and contradictions confronting marriage in this generation.

God has a stake in your marriage. He is glorified when a marriage is thriving. Your children also have a stake in your marriage. Your spouse means the world to your children. There is a place for both parents in the hearts of their children. Disintegration of a marriage causes the children to be fearful, insecure, and oftentimes depressed. Your relatives on either side also have a stake in your union. A stable marriage is a sanctuary for family members from both sides. Cohesion of the family is undoubtedly a great blessing to the extended family. Friends provide needed spice to a marriage. They usually will treat you and your spouse as a unit, and disintegration of that unity would cause them to scatter. If your union broke down, they would get confused in choosing their allegiances.

Once you come to terms with the fact that you owe your spouse to all these entities, you will be conscious of treating your spouse with the utmost respect and care. You will also be determined to contend for your union regardless of the challenges that may afflict it. You will be equipped to fight the good fight; you will run your race until death parts you from your spouse.

I strongly recommend this book to those on the path to getting married, those already married, and those who may want to counsel or assist married couples facing challenges.

—Lucy N. Kingori, Associate Pastor, Neema Gospel Church, Dallas, Texas

A Soldier’s Obsession with Love for His Woman

I don’t know where to start or where to end when it comes to our sister Mary. She was indeed a special woman of God, a dear sister in the Lord, and a true friend. I met Mary more than thirty-six years ago when we were single girls in Nairobi, Kenya. I was working for World Vision International at the Kenya Re Building while Mary was working at Bima House for the Kenya Insurance Company. We used to attend lunch-hour prayer meetings together, and in doing that, we built a strong bond of fellowship and I became part of her network of friends. In October 1979 I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid in Mary’s wedding, a colorful military ceremony in Narok. This was the first time I had been in a military wedding, and I was proud to have participated. It remains vivid in my memory even after thirty-six years.

An intriguing encounter that took place in my office in Kenya around 1986 has also remained embedded in my memory. Few of the Nkoyos’ friends may know about this incident, which illustrates how far Wilfred’s obsession with loving Mary could go. For the record and for the glory of God, I take the liberty to share the story here. Mary went missing from Narok, her husband’s hometown, about a hundred miles from the Gilgil barracks where Wilfred was stationed. She had been in Narok supervising work on a family project but had grown exhausted and had taken off on a three-day prayer retreat with a women’s group (of which the Rev. Anne Muthama was part) in Nairobi about ninety miles away. Neither her husband nor those around her, including her babysitter, were privy to this move. As a woman of prayer, she wanted time alone with a few praying women friends.

When her husband learned that Mary was missing and that she was last seen hitching a ride to Nairobi in an unknown vehicle, he fell into a wild frenzy. He was shocked because his faithful wife was his closest confidante, and this kind of thing had never happened before in their seven years of marriage, not even during their diplomatic service in the United States. Mary had also chosen not to use the family car that she always used to get around. Major Nkoyo learned the news about his missing wife soon after arriving at his base in Gilgil following a field exercise. Dressed in his military camouflage with a squad of similarly dressed soldiers, he hastily left Gilgil on a Friday afternoon in his camouflage command jeep, heading for Nairobi. He determined that this city was the place to start the search for his wife, whom he feared could be held hostage there.

Since I was their closest friend, strategically located and with good communication, Wilfred decided I should assist in the search. That is how I found myself facing a nearly hysterical soldier searching for the woman he idolized. That evening I had stayed late at the office and was finishing an assignment when suddenly I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, a soldier stepped into the room. He was in full jungle camouflage uniform. He looked frantic and was breathing hard. I did not recognize him at first because I was gripped with fear and confusion. Standing before me was an unfamiliar wild soldier, not the harmless and calm person I had always called Brother Major Nkoyo. Before we could exchange our normal Praise the Lord greetings and pleasantries, he looked straight at me with a soldier’s unblinking eyes and inquired if I had seen or heard from his wife. That question added to my trauma as I imagined the worst for Mary.

Wilfred knew of my friendship with Mary and of our extensive network of friends, and from my office he knew he could easily reach many contacts. That was why he came to me first, but his question and the narrative that followed amplified my shock. I feared that my beloved sister’s life was in danger. Wilfred said Mary had gone missing from her home in Narok either Thursday or that morning, and he feared that she could be held hostage in Nairobi and might already be badly harmed or at the mercy of her tormentors. My assignment was to call every emergency ward and morgue in the city to describe Mary and to find out whether such a person had been admitted dead or alive. Then I was to call relatives and family friends to check whether she had been seen. My office turned into an operations and command center, and I was the chief of the operations, taking orders from an incensed and impatient operations commander. Stated in military fashion, my mission was to make phone calls and to locate Mary dead or alive. And that is what I did, putting aside my other assignment.

I will never forget the power and the passion of this obsessed lover, worried that his only woman could have innocently fallen into a trap set by people whom she blindly trusted. This was the man I had always known as a gentle brother in Christ, but that evening I feared he was ready and willing to hurt anyone causing the disappearance of his wife or doing her harm. There was also a hint that he was not alone. My suspicions were confirmed when on our way out I saw that he had a squad of soldiers waiting outside in his official Jeep. He also told me that matatu touts responsible for Mary’s fuzzy travel arrangements in an unknown vehicle with a male driver had been locked up in Narok police cells.

As I made call after call, the animated soldier could not stand still, but kept pacing the floor and breathing heavily. Most see such stories only in wild-west movies or in romance novels. Crazed with love for a woman who has vanished mysteriously, an armed lover is set to burn down towns, start wars, and destroy everything in his wrath. I saw this live in my office when I found myself with a soldier searching for his missing woman. Unfortunately, that evening we did not find any helpful leads, adding to the mystery, but that was not the end, only the beginning.

I later learned that the following day Wilfred moved to a strategic spot on the Rift Valley escarpment, a narrow section of the main highway to his hometown, and set up a roadblock. He and his soldiers then stopped every matatu (public transport vehicle) coming into and out of Narok to inquire about and check for Mary. This was a surprise to matatu operators, who were unfamiliar with military roadblocks.

It was here on the third day that Wilfred finally found his Mary in the back seat of a matatu, returning home from her retreat in Nairobi. She was surprised to see him but not afraid because to her he was not a soldier but a loving husband who never hurt or threatened her or raised his voice at her no matter what. But to see him looking ragged, fatigued, and worried for her made Mary feel sorry that it had to come to this. When their eyes met as she sat calmly in the back of the vehicle, Wilfred briefly became emotional but quickly regained his composure. He walked back slowly to where she sat and without saying anything, lovingly and gently reached out and took her hand like a child’s and hugged her. Then, hand in hand, they slowly left the vehicle to the amazement of the passengers and the driver. Wilfred helped Mary into a waiting Jeep, and off they went straight back to the Gilgil barracks more than fifty miles away.

Wilfred’s driver and the rest of the soldiers were surprised that there was no bitter exchange between the couple. At Gilgil, in the privacy of their military mansion, Mary opened up to her husband about the emotional, spiritual, and physical stress that the Narok project had placed on her and about her need for quiet prayer. She had no way of reaching him while away in the field.

That was the beginning of the end of the couple’s interest in Narok, their dream project, the Crystal Mall, and any involvements that would separate them. Because Major Nkoyo would often be assigned duties in the field, away from his family, he took early retirement from the military in 1988.

I have found it prudent to share this story and what decades of close fellowship brought me to know about the Nkoyos to illustrate a loving commitment between a husband and a wife. They never allowed material gain, social status, ill health, valleys, or mountains to separate them until death did indeed part them after thirty-five years of marriage. Revelation 2:10 reminds us to be faithful to the end. The Nkoyos were an exemplary story of enduring faithfulness and affinity for each other. It is no wonder that this love-obsessed soldier would act so crazy when his woman could not be found.

Love is contagious, growing and multiplying, and Mary was herself obsessed with love for her husband. The woman had a strong attachment to him that started in their years of courtship. After they got married, she was always sitting by his side. This explains why that brief glitch, when Mary momentarily went off of his radar, caused Wilfred such anxiety and frenzy. I am proud and privileged to share this story and with my late husband and our children to have been associated with such a loving couple, who also loved the brethren.

—Mary Gathunguri, Baltimore, Maryland, USA

Preface

This book is dedicated to you, my beloved children, Caroline and Armstrong, to your wonderful spouses, and to the greatest gift God has added to me: my adorable grandchildren Tumaini and John and all others who will come after them. I love you all and always will. Each of you means the world to me. In this book I will remind you how to live in harmony with one another, to love one another, and to respect others who may be different from you, a secret to winning and influencing people for the kingdom of God and one by which your mother and I lived. My central message is this: discover entities who will give purpose to your marriage commitment and enhance it.

Though neither your blood sister nor your blood brother, from my experience, your spouse is closer than either and should always come first, ahead of every other person in your life including your mother, your father, and even your children. None of these should come between you and your spouse because in the end when they are gone from your life only your spouse will remain standing by you. And when the storms of life arrive, your best ally should be your spouse. That was the case in my life with your mother from the day we got married. Only God, the creator of each of you, should come before your spouse. He comes to unite and not to divide you. God will never be a competitor in your marriage relationship. He wants to enhance your union.

I write this at a time when many couples are choosing divorce as the easy way out of normal family challenges or after allowing outside forces, including relatives and friends, to take control and to influence their lives, thus undermining their unions. I said normal challenges because in every family there will always be crises, and these are normal. But today many couples walk away from each other over petty issues rather than work on them, hoping they can escape life’s realities by finding someone else who may be less problematic and may be wealthier, prettier, healthier, or more easygoing. All these are temporal fantasies, but when the shaking comes, only the permanent will remain. Your spouse is and should be your permanent ally and confidant.

In sharing some of our marriage experiences, both highs and lows, I hope that you will learn lessons that will help you find meaning and purpose to keep your marriage commitment strong in times of crises. And as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, crises will come. That shaking must happen at some point in your marriage. My objective is to help you identify entities that will give purpose and define clearly why you must remain true to your marriage commitment after everything and everybody have gone. That discovery energized me, making me determined