Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting: A Framework for a Functional Family

By Michael Cannon Loehrer

Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting presents a unique way of instructing parents in story form how to successfully raise children, even in a corrupt culture.

Mike Loehrer harvested a lifetime of learning and listening to the heart of God to pen his latest book. This combat veteran fully fathoms mans inhumanity to man yet forsakes bitterness by continually asking the Lord Jesus Christ to guard his heart. The result is that countless numbers of us feel safe with him, trusting that what he writes and teaches is truth empowered by the Word of God and prayer. Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting spans the felt needs of generations, providing a valuable resource for all who struggle with family relationships and who doesnt?

Mrs. Ted (Jo) Stone, Family Life Resources, Tehachapi, CA

Porch Talk with Gramps on Parenting is tightly written in brief chapters for todays busy parents. It is an unusual instructional book, reducing timeless truths to proverbial principles with everyday imagery. All parents need to know how to create a supportive atmosphere at home where children welcome parental training.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Feb 18, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490869834

Michael Cannon Loehrer

Michael Cannon Loehrer (pastor, author, and educator) holds degrees in History, Theology, and Education. He and his wife Paula have been married over fifty years. They have ten children and sixteen grandchildren.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

To Parent or not to Parent

The Setting for the Story

I ’m old now. I don’t get out much anymore. Funny, now that I finally have something worthwhile to share, I’m pretty much confined to my porch. I had hoped my life would count for something. I guess everyone does. While I can’t get out anymore or make the world come to me, I can influence a few to take my thoughts with them. I just pray that I will speak the truth graciously ¹ when I have a chance.

My situation here is pretty decent. The screened in porch is nice—lets me see out and others see in; it faces southeast toward the street, capturing the early sun to warm my bones, then later shields me with shade; shrubs guard the ends from encroaching weather. People can stop and visit whenever they want. I keep it swept and clean. Passersby frequently wave, but few stop to talk. So I have plenty of time to ponder life’s problems, especially those relating to the family.

I find my rocking chair most satisfying, even though the squeak occasionally drives me nuts, though I tolerate the noise for the gratification of rocking…most of the time. Occasionally I quit rocking to stop the squeak. I don’t fix the problem because I have absolutely no idea how to repair squeaky joints. Nevertheless, rocking brings movement, which relieves my longing for greater mobility.

Those who enjoy the experience of parenting

must also endure exasperating problems.

Aren’t rocking chairs like parenting? Those who enjoy the experience must endure exasperating problems. Some refuse rockers and some reject parenting, but most welcome both, though many have no idea how to face the problems of parenting any more than they know how to fix a rocking chair. For those who choose parenting, this often means years of finagling the family to the point of utter frustration.

If I had the knowledge and the ability to fix this failing rocking chair—I don’t have the energy anymore either—but, if I did, maybe I would tear apart the chair, rework the joints, then put it back together again. Imagine—no more noise! What if I could take apart the dysfunctional inner workings of the family? What if I could show you how to reset family relationships and restore functionality to your home? Just visualize peace in your home.

Do you suppose parents are doomed to endure irritating problems as part of the process of raising children? Perhaps so, but maybe parenting problems can be fixed. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal for the young and the faithful. Since I’m far from youthful years, only faith in God delivers me from cynicism. Negativity sometimes leaks through my words like water through freshly-fixed plumbing.

Pessimism and perfectionism carry over into how we treat others.

I never was an optimist, a realist, maybe, in my better moments. Pessimism seems to temper my perfectionism, though perfectionism often drags along resignation. I want to be perfect but realize it’s impossible. Sometimes my pessimism taunts my perfectionism. I want to do well, but I shame myself when I don’t. What’s worse, pessimism and perfectionism affect how I treat others.

Below are some basics I wish I could tell all parents. Many parents want to give up on marriage and family; you know, quit rocking to stop the squeak. They need patient endurance. They need to keep going, see things through, overcome, and finish the course.² But I really don’t want to pummel parents with timeless truths. Most are battle weary already. They just need a little encouragement.

Believing God is foundational to parental wisdom.

True love takes root spiritually in believing parents.

It grows and flowers patiently in believing children.

It bears fruit peacefully in believing grandchildren.

God designed marriage to raise godly offspring.

Difficult relationships are far better than divorce.

Faithful assessment and adjustments nurture hope.

Hope fulfilled brings lasting love to relationships.

Strengthening faith inspires hopeful commitment.

Gracious truthfulness restores sanity to family life.

Sacrifice turns helpless children into helpful adults.

Joyful child-rearing produces lasting relationships.

Stay with it!

Every day that I come out to the porch—and I don’t always come (sometimes it’s too cold, sometimes I’m sick, sometimes I’m just too tired),—I fill the cooler with drinks and the electrical teapot with water to ready myself for the ever-changing weather, time of day, and whoever may come. I try to have a little something for everyone. Kids like root beer. I like coffee. God’s favorite is water. What about you?

Then I sweep off the porch, but I wet the straws of the broom first. Dust gives me fits. Next I decide where to position the rocker and the folding chairs for the day. I usually only open two folding chairs, one for either side of the rocker. The rest remain in the corner until needed. Sometimes I change the storage corner from one side to the other so I can shoo the spiders away; but I kill black widows—yes siree bob!

One day, when I was five or six, I was playing on my front porch with a friend who was a couple of years older than me. Something black and round caught my eye. I started to reach for it when my friend slapped my hand away and scolded me for my ignorance. A black widow spider clung to the corner, stupefied from sucking the life out of some creature. To this day I recall how danger can appear fascinating and harmless. My grandchildren play on my porch.

Virtue willingly faces a bad situation fearlessly,

doing what is right when confronted with evil.

Allowing evil to remain around, even in ignorance, can be deadly. If we pick it up because we allow it around, we shouldn’t be surprised if it poisons us. My friend stomped that spider. I have done so ever since. Stomping involves alertness, caution, and a willingness to fearlessly face a bad situation and do what is right when confronted with evil. Back in the old days we called this willingness virtue.

Once in a while, I wet the broom and sweep down the screens. Like the porch, they get dusty, but not as often. I reach the cobwebs when I do. Periodically, I’m tempted to hose down the whole porch, but then I’d have to move everything out and cover the electrical outlet to keep it from getting wet—that’s more of a mess than I care to handle. I guess I just tolerate some things. I’ll see if I can warm up to the idea.

Take a moment and join me on the porch, dear reader. I’m ready for company. After you choose your beverage, I’ll give you an overview of my thoughts. I hope to be concise, since people seem to chase away leisure time by crowding their days with endless activities. I wish everyone could appreciate how leisure helps learning. So before you run off, let me share some parenting questions and answers I have been pondering. I hope you find them helpful.

How can parents be successful?

Successful parenting is a long process

Allowing parents to create an atmosphere

Where children welcome parental instruction:³

An atmosphere of gracious truthfulness.

How can parents create such an atmosphere?

Three keys unlock the door to

A gracious atmosphere at home:

Respect, influence, and forgiveness.

Respect establishes harmony.

Influence secures authority.

Forgiveness produces resiliency.

How can parents get their children to listen?

When reciprocal respect establishes harmony at home,

When increasing influence secures parental power,

When fostering forgiveness produces resilient relationships,

Children will receive and respond to parental instruction.

What should parents say when they get a teachable moment?

Parental instruction,

set in today’s terms,

must fix its focus on

the battle of boredom.

How can children win the battle of boredom?

Children can win the battle of boredom by

choosing enthusiasm for the things of God⁴

over exhilaration from passing pleasures.⁵

That, in a nutshell, is what I’ve been pondering, and trying to put into practice, all of my parenting years. Now that my kids are grown and gone, I’ve had a while to work through the issues of parenting. I think I’ve reduced things down to the lowest common denominator. There is a lot more to say, but this gives you an idea of the direction I’m heading. Pray for insight.⁶ Rejoice in trials.⁷ Always be grateful.⁸

"…choosing rather to suffer affliction with the people of God

than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin…"⁹

Points to Ponder:

1. Believing God is foundational to parental wisdom.

2. Difficult relationships are far better than divorce.

3. Virtue fearlessly faces evil and fights for what is right.

Questions to Consider:

1. What does it mean to speak the truth graciously, and what impact does it have?

2. What are some of the dysfunctional inner workings of the family?

3. How does respect produce peaceful relationships?

PART ONE

Reciprocal Respect

The Key to Harmony at Home

CHAPTER 1

Wrestling with Respect

Definition of Terms

I t’s chilly on the porch this morning. Can you feel it? I’m plugging in the teapot right now; water heats up rapidly, but cools off a little slower—just as human emotions do. Instant coffee suddenly froths and fumes when I teaspoon it into the water in my mug. Likewise, foolish comments directly change the atmosphere at home into something dark and churning. Have you experienced such changes?

Ever wonder why the froth of old fools doesn’t readily subside? They continually reject the truth. Fools start simple¹⁰ and become stubborn because they increasingly refuse to repent¹¹ when challenged by the truth. First, the truth bombards their consciences, and then they bump into the consequences of their bad behavior. Nevertheless, I respect them, even though they live pathetic lives.

I also respect young simpletons, even though they live pitiful lives. They too carry foolish notions because they reject the truth, but they have hardly begun to get beat up for it. I respect fools and simpletons because Jesus did. Case in point, Judas¹² and the disciples.¹³ Fools and simpletons live pathetic and pitiable lives, but a heart of compassion overrides contemptuous treatment.¹⁴

Fools and simpletons live pathetic and pitiful lives, but

a heart of compassion trumps contemptuous treatment.

Not all old people are senseless. Not all young people are silly. Yet I respect them all, not because of what they try to become or how hard they try to perform, but because of who I am and what I choose to do for them. These days I look at respect differently than when I was young. I no longer dole out respect only to those I deem worthy of it; it’s something I show to everyone because of who I am in Christ.¹⁵

People wonder how I can respect foolish people. I make a distinction between who they are and how they behave. I had you consider the froth of fools because foolishness is never respectable. While I reject foolish behavior, I respect foolish people, and if I can respect a fool, I can respect anyone. If you can’t respect foolish people, you will drive away your children. Children find foolishness compelling.¹⁶

Foolishness is an unspiritual response to an event in life. It is football with me as quarterback and God on the bench. A child’s heart looks for ways to express foolishness. That is why children must be regulated. For regulation to be meaningful, it must be reinforced with appropriate consequences. An appropriate response to foolish behavior is painful punishment,¹⁷ because folly produces pain in others.

Painful punishment is an appropriate response to foolish behavior.

Respect has to do with how we treat people. Harmony happens when each person respects the rest. Reciprocal respect cannot be controlled by judges who hold everyone in contempt of court, so to speak. Heavy-handed attempts to regulate relationships inevitably break down, and we invariably need wisdom from above to be tender-hearted and truly gracious.¹⁸

Unwise people assess worthiness of respect by such things as appearance, possessions, prominence, or performance.¹⁹ Once people assess others, they naturally treat them accordingly. Hence, humans define respect—in a working way—as something people must earn according to how well they measure up. Consequently, we dole out respect in differing degrees to those we judge worthy of it.

However, it’s worth asking, do we have the sensitivity, objectivity, and discernment to judge in the first place?²⁰ Judgmental parents even hold obedient children in contempt for their feeble attempts to please their ever-growing expectations. If we believe respect is something we earn, we typically dispense it only to those who please us, according to how much they please us.

Such natural notions of respect

Stem from a desire to scrutinize

Features and qualities of others

And mistreat them accordingly.²¹

Such natural notions of respect

Form the basis of our affections

Involving elements of inequity,

Discrimination, and intolerance.

Such natural notions of respect

Harden parents in hatefulness,

Crush children with criticism,²²

And fracture the family with strife.

Spiritual respect is not something Christians show only to those who deserve it. Spiritual respect grows from a Scriptural understanding of how Jesus would treat people as the Spirit of God trains us by His grace.²³ Children also catch a lot by way of example. If parents are disrespectful, children will catch it like a cold. If parents are gracious, children will bask in it like the beach on a sunny day.

"…but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy,

always being prepared to make a defense to anyone

who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you;

yet do it with gentleness and respect…"²⁴

Points to Ponder:

1. Choices govern how we express respect better than feelings.

2. Compassion yields insight into the struggles of the senseless as well as the silly.

3. Judgmental attitudes and contemptuous treatment cancel respectfulness.

Questions to Consider:

1. What makes it so hard to respect foolish people while rejecting foolish behavior?

2. Why do children find foolishness so compelling?

3. Why were Jesus and children so drawn to each other?

CHAPTER 2

Broad Brush Painting

Natural Notions about Respect

T he morning sun warms the porch. It feels good. A raven preens itself on a telephone pole down the way pausing to noisily voice its displeasure about something. In doing so, the raven calls more attention to itself than whatever bothers it. Like the raven, those who hastily take offense with others often tell you more about themselves than they do about those they disrespect.

The vocal ones mimic the raven’s annoyance when others fail to meet their expectations. Harsh and rude, they loudly caw-caw at those they disrespect. What’s more, they strongly influence others to behave badly. Most of us fail to realize how society creates a collective complaint that, when expressed publicly, wounds so many. We carry natural notions about respect that are anything but respectful.

Subconscious attitudes about respect involve intense emotions that are difficult to detect and describe because they often grow out of pain. Painful experiences immediately generate an emotional response. We naturally prefer peace and pleasure over pain. It’s hard for us to pity those who cause pain. We want the pain to stop, whatever the cost, and we often inflict pain in return to make the pain stop.

Painful experiences immediately generate an emotional response.

My feet propel the rocker as I tilt my head back. Resting my eyes, I ponder prayerfully how society accepts attitudes. Frequently, the lone voice of a raven defines respect for the rest. If I’m not careful, I can caw like a raven when I pass along to others what I want to say.²⁵ Some might admire me for such brash ways, but I betray my Savior when I behave badly, regardless of what the crowd approves.

Standards for disrespect in society are formed by commonly held ideas largely influenced by a single loud complaint. We adjust how we are going to treat people based on fluctuating societal viewpoints. Attitudes motivating the way we treat people are not fixed—they fluctuate. Society’s ravens influence us to adjust our responses and cruelly make people pay for what displeases them.

My neighbor is setting up a ladder—looks like painting day. Ever notice how painters usually stay with a single color and brush until they are finished? Switching back and forth is more trouble than it’s worth. Anyone can paint a wall with a broad brush, but it takes patience and skill to paint trim with a tiny brush. Beyond that, only a few can paint pictures in detail with water colors or oils.

Words have a profound impact on people,

especially praise and disapproval.

Critical people often paint others with a broad black brush; everything is dark and gloomy. Their enemies can’t do anything right. Eulogizers admire others painting them with a broad white brush; their friends can do no wrong. Ironically, some broad brush painters, against reason, immediately switch colors once friends become foes, assuming they have the right to commend and condemn at will.

Those who don’t often criticize typically don’t often compliment either. The complexities of life and the weight of words keep many from flattering or ridiculing others. Characterizing people with broad sweeping strokes is rarely accurate and often hurtful. A broad brush is fine for whitewashing over something or blacking out something. Words have a profound impact on people, especially praise and disapproval.

We usually evaluate others by a changing list of laws and treat them accordingly—acting as prosecutor, judge, and jury—often with little or no evidence. Then we apply a penalty, often harsher than the offense. Natural notions of respect kill people inside, forcing them to live under the kind of tyranny that instantly jumps to conclusions and hastily sentences them as criminals worthy of cruel treatment.

How we define respect in our minds

Affects how it plays out in our lives.

Natural notions of respect involve me

Pressuring others to perform for me.

We naturally think we have the right

To treat someone however we wish,

If they mistreat us or those we love.

But that’s begrudging and vengeful.

It hurts our hearts to harbor hatred.

God will repay in His time and way

With firm justice and tender mercy

What we cannot fathom to perform.

Children paint best with a broad brush, and we tolerate that from them. When it comes to encouragement and correction, however, parents have to do the delicate detail work. Respect is detail work; it takes time to do it well. The impressionable lives of children deserve more than the fumbling attempts of self-absorbed parents. Nurturing parents develop the souls of their children to reflect the glory of God by painting with a fine brush.

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.²⁶

Points to Ponder:

1. Those who refrain from ridicule often refuse to flatter.

2. Those who freely ridicule often freely flatter.

3. Those insecure from ridicule often chase those who flatter.

Questions to Consider:

1. How do the vocal few cause society to voice a collective complaint?

2. Which motivates you more, praise or disapproval—why?

3. Why do children crave acceptance and approval?

CHAPTER 3

Slippery Spirituality

Spiritual Notions about Respect

W hen I was preparing to come out to the porch this morning, I took a couple of bottles from the icebox and set them on the counter. Then I remembered to get the laundry going. When I returned, condensation made the bottles slippery and I dropped one of them. It broke, splattering tea and glass everywhere. Spiritual concepts of respect are slippery. If you don’t grasp them securely, they easily slip from your hand.

With spiritual concepts of respect, we look past the way people hurt us. We process pain with understanding. We consider the heart of those who hurt us and discern that something must have hurt them. We dismiss the impact of pain on our souls. We realize our natural tendency to hurt others when we feel hurt, and we intentionally choose to stop the cycle of passing along pain by absorbing it ourselves.

Grasping spiritual truths can be like trying to catch tadpoles in a murky pond. These little froglets are slippery and illusive and quickly vanish. Spiritual ideas of respect elude us like polliwogs evade children because true concepts of respect are very wiggly and other-worldly. Since we can’t see or sense them, they get away from us before we can fully fathom their form and how they function.

We often train people to perform for us by treating them badly.

Christians find a fixed standard of respect in the person of Christ. We adjust how we treat others by how He treated people. We refuse to shift our thinking away from Jesus. He hates punishing people to make them pay for what displeases Him. He would rather die for us when we are in the wrong.²⁷ Yet He reserves for Himself the right of retribution for unbelievers who ultimately reject Him.²⁸

Let’s face it: humans don’t like the fact that God plans retribution for those who refuse His gracious offer of forgiveness through Jesus. To fix in time a reckoning day seems harsh and unyielding to those who refuse the one and only Savior of the World. Yet, believe it or not, some would rather endure a fiery hell forever than enjoy the presence of a holy God throughout eternity.²⁹

Regarding respect, either we train people to perform for us by treating them badly, or we feel compelled by Christ to treat kindly those we find offensive, regardless of how they treat us. Such is the difference between the natural and spiritual notions of respect. Spiritual respect absorbs pain by turning the other cheek,³⁰ weeps over tragedy,³¹ prays for enemies,³² and rejoices when God rescues people from ruin.³³

The human heart finds peace impossible

Just as it finds communication confusing

With those who hold others in contempt.

The explosive emotions of the natural man

Hinge the batwing doors of love and hate,

Which so loosely confine barroom brawls.

Disrespect corrupts the character required

For healthy and meaningful relationships.

Spiritual respect lifts human relationships.

Respectful parents suffer sacrificially to reach their children; but they require respect from their children in return. They establish a gracious atmosphere at home, patiently praying that God would work inside their children’s hearts; yet they reject negligence and laxity that results in indulgence. They refuse to manipulate their children with unrealistic expectations or arrogant anger; yet they establish and enforce boundaries through caring discipline. They consistently allow their children to experience the consequences for disobedience; yet they devote themselves to graciously train children humbled by repentance.

"[God] seeks godly offspring [from marriage].

Therefore take heed to your spirit [not to divorce]…"³⁴

Points to Ponder:

1. Those who process pain properly realize someone hurt those who hurt them.

2. We train people to perform for us by treating them badly.

3. Disrespect corrupts the character required for healthy and meaningful relationships.

Questions to Consider:

1. Why do we retaliate when someone hurts us?

2. How can we absorb pain without retaliating against those who hurt us?

3. In what ways do we manipulate our children with unrealistic expectations?

CHAPTER 4

Home is for Family and Friends

The Basis of Respect

H ere comes my grandson Billy and one of his friends wearing their little league baseball uniforms. Look at the smiles. My goodness, so full of life and laughter. They must have won their game.

Howdy, boys. What was the score?

Hi, Gramps. We won, nine to nuthin’!

Yeah, his lanky friend chimed in, Billy mowed ‘em down like weeds.

How about some soda pop, boys? I have root beer.

You betcha. Billy dashed to the cooler. We’re very thirsty.

Who’s your friend?

This here’s Lance, Gramps.

Nice to know you. I said, reaching for his hand. Hmmm, firm grip. Looks me square in the eyes—guilt-free and guileless. Sweet. Billy attracts good friends.

I gaze at them as they guzzle their drinks. The tall, freckle-faced Lance suddenly chokes. He smiles through a coughing fit, glancing sideways at Billy.

Down the wrong hatch?

No, backed up my nose. Lance sputters.

I’ve done that before. Burns like the dickens. Billy sympathizes, never one to mock or ridicule. Quite a remarkable youngster; good upbringing—and the grace of God in his life—make him admirable even at an early age.

Respect cultivates an atmosphere of acceptance,

Which forms the foundation for harmony at home.

Billy involves friends in whatever he does and frequently brings them home. He seems to choose good friends, too. They like to be around him and feel comfortable at his home. Kids keenly sense hostility in a home, and quickly go elsewhere whenever they detect unfriendliness. If children sense acceptance from their parents, they not only enjoy home life, they feel free to have their friends over.

Some homes are like mortuaries: few living people, furniture placed just so, somber atmosphere, smiles measured or contrived or nonexistent, behavior stilted and subdued, and visitors anxious to leave as soon as possible, all the while careful not to disturb the order. The mood of a mortuary, though respectful, is not receptive. What makes homes like mortuaries? Let’s see: forced respect that accommodates death where vitality seems out of place, detached pleasantries or casual interest or utter disinterest,