[Re]Marriage: Searching for Answers

By Kenneth Ussery

Marriage is hard, periodwhich explains the divorce trend. In subsequent marriages, the trend toward divorce increases even more. Dealing with the past, ex-spouses, and stepparenting can feel overwhelming to the point where divorce seems preferable. Giving up brings a sigh of relief. The problem is this relief is fleeting and results in even bigger problems. Even though resolving to save your marriage appears futile at times, the tenacity and commitment between you and your mate can develop into a rewarding and satisfying marriage. This book provides practical and spiritual tips to aid you in the decision to break the potential of a divorce cycle in your life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Mar 31, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490874128

Kenneth Ussery

Ken and Teri Ussery, along with their children, have been a blended family since 1997. They have a Yours, Mine and Ours story. In addition to personally experiencing the trials of combining families, Ken has a master’s degree in psychology with an emphasis in marriage and family counseling, and is a certified life coach, as well as a certified trainer for Leading from Your Strengths. Most recently the Ussery’s have launched a not-for-profit corporation called FAMILY [re]DESIGN, with the mission of helping [re]marriages and blending families succeed. Visit their website at familyredesign.org or find them on Facebook.

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Copyright © 2015 Kenneth Ussery.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-7411-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-7412-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015904270

WestBow Press rev. date: 03/31/2015

Contents

Acknowledgement

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 Setting the Stage

Chapter 2 Perspective and Response

Chapter 3 Be there

Chapter 4 The Language of Marriage

Chapter 5 Sex

Chapter 6 Step Parenting

Chapter 7 The Ex-Spouse

Chapter 8 Self-Health

Chapter 9 Breaking the Divorce Cycle

Endnotes

Acknowledgement

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank the Dowell-Ussery children: Brandon, Brett, Maegan, Lauren, and Joshua. You guys have been more than patient with Mom and me. Thank you for your willingness to persevere throughout all of our crazy ideas – like wearing a lanyard around your neck with the day’s schedule when we went to the State Fair. We love you dearly and are so proud of each of you.

Teri and I would also like to thank all of our

family [re]design donors. Without your faithful support we would not have been able to take this leap of faith. We have prayed over each donated dollar and trust God to multiply your investment through the healing and strengthening of marriages and families.

For Teri – to have you in my life has been worth all of yesterday’s heartaches, today’s challenges, and tomorrow’s uncertainties. Love isn’t easy, but when God gifts you with a mate uniquely suited for you, love concludes even when it doesn’t make sense. Thank you for being that gift, and for journeying with me in this life. I love you!

Preface

When Teri and I first married almost 20 years ago, resources for blending families were practically nonexistent. For us this was most unfortunate. We struggled daily, and longed for guidance. Several times we tried attending marriage seminars in hopes of finding answers to our blending family issues. We also bought several wonderful books, which to some degree were helpful, but still didn’t address our needs to the extent we sought.

The idea of another divorce was grim, but there were times I couldn’t see light at the end of our troubles. More than anything we both wanted relief. Teri confesses to keeping a packed suitcase stored under our bed in case the blending family labor pains became too great. Problem was there didn’t seem to be a doctor or hospital to call upon for help. We truly did feel all alone.

Before you dive into this book I want to be completely honest with you. The words in this book are based on what we wish we had done, especially in the early days of our marriage. Our mantra over the years has been blending by trial and error. In a desire to help others, we are transparent with our mistakes and confess to living our lives on a learning curve.

As Teri and I have approached, and even crossed over, the half-century mark, we find ourselves longing to help other families who are also attempting to blend their families following the aftermath of divorce or the death of a former spouse. In 2014 we launched a not-for-profit organization by the name of family [re]design. As the name indicates, blending families have a unique opportunity to redesign how we do family. This book is our initial resource to assist with ideas pertaining to [re]marriage, step parenting, ex-spouses, and more.

A few years after we married I returned to school to complete a master’s degree in Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Counseling. Teri, too, went back to school to finish her master’s in Theology. In addition, we both became certified by the International Coaching Foundation as Life Coaches, along with receiving our certification as Leading From Your Strengths trainers. The goal for each credential has been to give assistance and guidance to other couples desiring to blend their families successfully.

My encouragement is to take your time in reading this book. In fact, try reading this book one chapter at a time with your spouse. Following each section, or chapter, pause and talk about what you have read. Without taking offense, be open to genuinely hearing and discussing how each topic can strengthen your marriage and family. Don’t be afraid to try new ideas. Teri and I would love for you to join us in our trial and error efforts. Laugh along the way. Mistakes are not a license for life to shut down; rather, mistakes open the door for a new experience. We pray God will speak to you and your mate as your read this book.

Further noted, client’s names and the details of their stories have been modified in order to protect their identities.

Introduction

Blending families have many extraneous factors affecting our success. Prior marriages. Children from those prior marriages. Ex-spouses. Days of being a single parent. Step parenting. And so on.

All of these factors, in and of themselves, can be a challenge. Adding them together - times two when you combine your mate’s experiences with yours - can be more than a challenge. They can be overwhelming. No wonder the divorce rate increases with subsequent marriages.

In this book such extraneous sources will be discussed in detail. However, it is my belief that unless you and your spouse have a strong infrastructure in your marriage then topics like step parenting and ex-spouses will become wedges separating you. Therefore, the first half of this book is devoted to the health of your marriage, period.

Traditional marriage-book topics like commu-nication, sex, and trust are discussed, but with a strong consideration that this is not your first marriage. Hopefully you will find practical tools and tips that will deepen the intimacy between you and your spouse. Doing so will make the struggles related to step parenting, ex-spouses, and letting go of the past much easier.

To conclude we will look intently in the mirror. How are you doing, really? Your personal health emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually is key. Likewise, your mate’s health is equally important. No one likes taking a hard look at themselves, but there comes a time when self-examination is the best solution to breaking the divorce cycle. As you read the final two chapters be honest with yourself, and your mate. Be creative, and open-minded as you consider your future. There is much God has in store for you, your [re]marriage, and your blending family.

CHAPTER ONE

Setting the Stage

"How did I get here, wondered Julie. She remembered a time when life seemed normal – in a box, so to speak. Two children, a husband, a beautiful home, and even enjoying the flexibility of being a stay at home mom. Life couldn’t get better. That is…until the words I don’t love you anymore" echoed throughout the house. For months those crippling words haunted her. Had her life come to an end? Would she ever again feel that same sense of being settled she once felt? Even more crippling…would she ever be able to love and trust again?

Julie, like so many, has stood at this crossroad hoping to find the path that would lead them to a life rebuilt. Many times this hope-filled life is in the form of a [re]marriage, and comes with ideas that everything will change for the better once a new set of I do’s have been spoken. The truth of that belief is everything will most definitely change as a result of a new set of I do’s. However, [re]marriages can have surprise endings. Julie, for one, found this to be true.

Before going further, let it be said not all [re]marriages are destined for failure, nor are they ill-advised. At the same time, their success is contingent upon preparation and perspective; two tools that sound so simple, yet for some reason seem complicated in their application. Relationships are just hard at times, aren’t they? The cliché opposites attract sounds romantic. That is until those opposites actually move in together…and bring children with them. Often those romantic opposites become passionate opponents. Keep reading…there’s more on this topic to come.

To make sure we are on the same page with some of the terms used in this book, here are a few quick definitions. First of all, note the word blended is not used. Rather, blending. After nearly two decades of combining two families into one, it has been our experience that the joining of two non-biological groups of people into one family unit is a process that has no end. This is not something to try to overcome. It’s just a reality helpful to remember in the years ahead.

Much like in-law connotes a family distinction so does step. They are not terms to shy away from, they are just family identifiers used to explain the nature of those relationships. Also note that these identifiers are not in direct correlation with one’s affection. For example, I love my mother-in-law just as much as I love my own mother, depending on who I’m talking to. You get the point, right? It seems culture teaches the word step equals a diminished love. That is not necessarily true. Labels do not make or break a family. They are just labels.

Another important word to define is stepfamily or blending family. There are many configurations. What is commonly referred to as a simple stepfamily is when only one spouse brings one or more children into the newly formed family, adding the scenario of an ex into this [re]marriage. The ex could be an ex-spouse or simply a former relationship that resulted in a child. A complex stepfamily, on the other hand, is when two people marry and both bring one or more children into the newly formed family. It is also important to note that the level of conservatorship over the children does not determine whether a stepfamily is simple or complex. Provided everyone is aware of the children born to each parent in the stepfamily, the definition of simple or complex applies.

Let’s return to Julie. Questions asked earlier in this chapter about her situation were: Would she ever again feel that same sense of being settled she once felt? Even more crippling, would she ever be able to love and trust again? As you might expect, the answers come with explanation. Two years after her divorce, she met Craig and within weeks their relationship reached a level of love and intimacy neither of them expected. He, too, had children. They dated for six months, then booked the Chapel. And, that’s how they became a stepfamily.

The honeymoon was absolutely unbelievable. Everything was perfect. They laughed. They cried. They talked. They listened. They told stories of the past, giving opportunity to encourage and console on a level of intimacy they had never experienced before. Oh yeah…the sex. Well, what needs to be said? All cylinders fired.. They were living a dream once thought to be impossible.

So, to answer the second question about Julie, yes, she was able to