From Victim to Survivor

By Nicole Harper

This vulnerable and intensely honest book is an account of a life full of traumas and struggles, such as sexual abuse, mental illness, substance abuse and a eating disorder. But with every dark turn, Nicole finds a profound way to use difficulty to better understand her true sense of being and purpose. She learns how to forgive herself and others and that instead of being a victim to others actions and her circumstances, she can take back the power over her life and continue on as a survivor.

The story of Nicoles journey out of darkness is unique yet familiar, tragic yet triumphant, heartbreaking yet heartwarming. Despite my decades of experience with these illnesses, I found my eyes brimming with tears as I pored over her words. Her recovery is compelling, not just because she is stunningly authentic and honest, but also because her experiences ring true for so many individuals struggling against these pernicious, life-threatening mental illnesses.

Dr. Kenneth Weiner, CEO of ERC

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Sep 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781491775622

Nicole Harper

Nicole currently lives in Colorado with her husband. Her son is deployed as a marine, and her daughter is in college and in military training to graduate as a marine officer. Nicole attended her first university on a swimming scholarship and went on to attain four degrees, one being a master’s. Her professional work with traumatized boys set the stage for her realization that she needed help as well. She and her husband relish the time they get to spend with their accomplished and honorable children. Her physical, emotional, and spiritual health have remained constant, and she is a survivor.

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Copyright © 2015 Nicole Harper.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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ISBN: 978-1-4917-7563-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4917-7562-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015913630

iUniverse rev. date: 08/28/2015

CONTENTS

Foreword

Acknowledgements (In No Particular Order)

Introduction

Chapter 1 As The Journey Started

Chapter 2 Family Sets The Tone

Chapter 3 Seeking A Sense Of Normalcy

Chapter 4 Going Round And Round

Chapter 5 Tools In Troubled Times

Chapter 6 Pain

Chapter 7 Course Unknown

Chapter 8 Still In Search Of Happiness

Chapter 9 A New Beginning—Again

Chapter 10 Try And Try Again

Chapter 11 Finding And Feeling Hope

Chapter 12 The Body Struggles

Chapter 13 Addicted To Starving

Chapter 14 Love And Hope Show Some Light

Chapter 15 Working Hard

Chapter 16 Another Piece Of Hell

Chapter 17 My First Comeback

Chapter 18 The Ferris Wheel

Chapter 19

Chapter 20 Effort Toward Health

Chapter 21 Facing Anorexia

Chapter 22 Learning From Family

Chapter 23 Not Too Late To Learn

Chapter 24 A Whole New Light

I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.

—William Penn

FOREWORD

A s a psychiatrist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders for over three decades, I have seen it all, so to speak. I have supported patients and families touched by these serious and devastating illnesses as they recount the pain, trauma, tragedy, triumph, and hope of their experiences. I remember every story, and there are so many. Each is special and important in its own right, and while some may be more compelling than others, there is a lesson in every outcome. The story of Nicole’s journey out of darkness is unique yet familiar, tragic yet triumphant, heartbreaking yet heartwarming. Despite my decades of experience with these illnesses, I found my eyes brimming with tears as I pored over her words. Her recovery is compelling, not just because she is stunningly authentic and honest but also because her experiences ring true for so many individuals struggling against these pernicious, life-threatening mental illnesses.

At its core, artistic expression can be a powerful and nonthreatening means for exploring thoughts and feelings related to traumatic experiences. The written word can be a particularly powerful recovery tool for someone overcoming an eating disorder, whose temperament tends to favor rigidity, black-and-white thinking, restriction, and control over the freeness and variability of art. In a sense, the borders of a sheet of paper offer symbolic containment of these traumatic feelings, allowing patients to safely experiment with a new way of thinking about feelings and emotions. Throughout her story, Nicole’s poignant, articulate insights are interspersed with beautiful original poetry. Her verses communicate a mastery of mindfulness, acknowledging that the past is done and that we should learn from it, and that the future is not here yet, so we should prepare for it. Nicole’s story speaks from lessons learned with careful evaluation of her experience as they pertain to where she is now and where she hopes to go. In another nod to the strength of her recovery, she is clearly putting into practice the mindful therapeutic philosophies of acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) that she embraced while in the recovery environment at Eating Recovery Center.

While every illness and recovery is unique, there are common aspects woven among the complex tapestry of eating disorder pathology. Nicole’s story involves many classic eating disorder themes and narratives.

The Ultimate Eating Disorder Paradox: The people suffering from eating disorders are often the best and brightest. Like Nicole, they are high achieving, ambitious, and perfectionistic, and as a result they often achieve great educational, professional, athletic, and personal success. From the outside, it looks like they have it all, but they have a very serious mental illness. They try desperately to conceal their pain, sadness, and maladaptive behaviors, but this facade is exhausting. Nicole’s story helps to dispel the myths that somehow these individuals are responsible for their illness or that an eating disorder is an illness of choice. No one chooses to have an eating disorder.

The Genetic Link: Eating disorders are biologically based mental illnesses with a strong genetic component, much like depression and addiction (common comorbid conditions alongside an eating disorder). Further substantiating that eating disorders are not an illness of choice, Nicole recounts the impact of her mother’s depression and her father’s alcoholism in