Tire Patch Cookies Are Good for the Soul

By Janet McCanless

I don't think there is any sound more wonderful than the sound of laughter, and humor, to me, is what makes the world spin. As I said in my last compilation, I tried being downcast and depressed once, it didn't work for me, and if we try hard enough, we can find humor in any situation.
Once, during one of my humor presentations, I tried some self deprecating humor, and found it quite to my liking. Not that there isn't anything funny about me anyway, I just have this quirky way of looking at things, and when you laugh, the world laughs with you, when you cry, you only have to blow your nose! Besides, I have funny relatives.
So, here we are, warts and all, the funny stuff, the touching stuff, the weird and stupid stuff, it all makes for a funny readtrust me on this.
I hope you enjoy this compilation, a lot of it stories are from my own experiences and acquaintances, and, not only that, most of it is true!!! If you do enjoy it, tell somebody else and maybe they'll buy the book too. Whatever you do, NEVER lend this book to anyone; I make no money off of loaned books!!!!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Oct 18, 2013
• ISBN: 9781493114153

Janet McCanless

Janet (Jan) McCanless is a retired school teacher, and has been a freelance writer and columnist for over 20 years. Her first compilation of writings won the Mother Vine Award for best short stories of 2013, and she has recaptured that magic in this volume of collected stories and humorous writings that covers a 10 year period, Tire Patch Cookies are Good for the Soul. She has written a 6 volume mystery series of Beryl's Cove books, and is presently working on a new series, with her first volume due in early 2014. Considered one of the premier Southern Humorists, she resides in rural North Carolina with her husband of 48 years, and is the mother of 3, and grandmother of 9. Don't hold that against her though, and come along for an enjoyable visit with Jan, her assorted relatives and life experiences.

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Copyright © 2013 by Janet McCanless.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4931-1414-6

                Ebook            978-1-4931-1415-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 10/14/2013

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Contents

Foreword

Part I

Is it just me, or am I right?

At Last, and Finally: Goodbye Dreary Winter

Where’s Matt Dillon When You Need Him?

What Do I Look Like, a Bird?

My Life Would Make a Bad Reality Show

The Designer Gym Bag is Not My Style

I Yam What I Yam!!

I Remember When…

In My Olympics, I’d Take the Tin Medal!!!

What this Country Needs is a National Delete Button!!!!

It Seems Like the Hurrier I Go, the Behinder I Get

Where’s a Segway When You Need It???

When Did Spaghetti Turn into Pasta????

The Revolt of the Machines

If I’m THAT Predictable, Maybe I Need a Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So C’mon Already, Get Springtime!!!!!!

A Request for Bi-Partisanship

If I’d Known Then, What I Know Now, Well, I Probably Would Have Done it All Again

My 15 Minutes of Fame Was Over in About 30 Seconds

Forget the Nursing Home, I’m Goin’ to the Holiday Inn!!!!!

That Old Kewpie Doll of Mine

The Good Life is Alive and Well in North Carolina

With Ice on my Daffodils, can Spring be far Behind?

Square Peg in a Round Hold, and, Liking It!!!!

What I’ll Not Do this Year!!!

How I See It

Only the Short Girls Got Good Valentine’s

Growing Older Ain’t for Sissies

It’s no Fun not Getting no Respect

I Remember

If You’re as Old as You Look, I’m Done For

Check Out My Web Page

Ford Isn’t the Only One with a Better Idea!

A Good Idea is a Beautiful Thing

New and Improved, My Eye!!!!

Time Flies Whether You’re Having Fun or Not

Liquid Sunshine!

Those Were the Days!!

You Call This a Movie Star?

Haven’t You Ever Wondered?

Senior Citizen.Com

Publisher’s Clearing House, Where are You?

United We Stand, Divided, There’s no Hope at All

It’s the old North vs. South thing All over Again

Is it that Time Already?

It’s a Lovely Day in the Neighborhood

Out With the Old, in With the Old

Gone, but Not Forgotten

Haven’t You Ever Wondered… ?

Part II

Fiction that I Love and Quotable Quotes

Ode to Plurals

Summer

My New Year Thoughts

Favorite Quote

Mom

The Farmer’s Wife

Part III

Holidays We Know and Love

New Year’s Once Again

The Winter Blues and Blahs

Sentimental, Silly Old Me!!

Punxsutawney Phil Ain’t No Dummy!!!!!

This Valentine’s Day, My Heart’s Definitely in the Right Place

Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

Valentine’s Wrapped Up With Love

My Favorite Things

That’s What I Love about the Springtime!!

Easter, God’s Proof that He Loves Us

Mother’s Day Ain’t for the Faint of Heart

Mothers Are People Too

Back When the 4th of July Was Really the 4th of July

4th of July, Our Own, and Best Celebration

‘Tis the Season for 4th of July and Blackberries Too!!!

Our Flag, Love it or Leave it!!!

Smell the Pumpkin in the Air!!

One of My Favorite Things

Thanksgiving, the Forgotten Holiday

One Holiday that Don’t Get no Respect

If You’re Born on Thanksgiving, Does that Make You a Turkey?

Christmas Remembrances

Memories

A Light in the Christmas Sky

For We Need a Little Christmas

In Spite of Everything, Christmas Will Come

Part IV

Boy, That Was a Trip!

No Screaming Fireball of Doom for Me, I’ll Take the Train

A Locked Door Never Hurt Anybody

Here comes the Brides and Summer!

That Carolina Blue Sky Never Looked So Good!

There’s a Mile in Every Smile!

Big Easy Memories

Part V

I Ain’t Proud, But They’re Kin!

Where Did All

the Bargains Go?

What is Wrong with this Picture?

4th of July, Time for the Christmas Catalogs

If Heaven Doesn’t Have a Hardware Store, I’m Not Going!!

I Don’t Do High Fashion Well

It’s Autumn, it Must Be Time for Pot Roast!!!

A Month in the Country

Where Have all the Orange Crates Gone?

Ok, Hand Over the Remote, and, No One Gets Hurt!

How Sweet it is to be a Grandma!!

Remembrances of Times Past

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Your is Negotiable!!!

It’s a Guy Thing

Just When I Get It All Figured Out, They Change the Rules on Me

Aunt Florence’s Sleeping Porch

Cats Are Great People

Birthday, Smirthday, What’s So Good about Growing Older?

It’s that Time of Year Again

Animals are just Little People with Fur on Them

It’s All in How You Look at It

In Search of Uncle George

That Ain’t Noise, It’s My Grandson

Southern Comforts

Cross Pollination, or Why Does Your Kid Look Like Me?

Stuff a Turkey with Candles, and Blow Out the Pumpkin, It’s that Time of Year Again!

What’s In a Name?

Tire Patch Cookies are Good for the Soul

Part VI

Fascinatin’ Folks

Uno Is Number One in My Book!!!

Sometimes Wonderful Stuff Does Happen!!!!

Spur of the Moment Fun, Is the Most Fun of All!!

Help, I’ve Been Googled, and, I Can’t Get Up!!!

The Duchess and Old Thing

Who Needs Clooney When There’s Pat Boone?

I Could Stay Young Forever, If It Weren’t for Missing the Good Stuff

Growing Old Ain’t for Anyone!

I May Not Run with the Big Dogs Anymore, But, I Can Still Have Fun

Don’t Let the Good Stuff Get by You

Melancholy Baby, Where are You?

Life Can be Funny Sometimes

The Boys of Summer

Biker Babe in Orthopedic Shoes

If You Really Want to Feel Good About Yourself, Don’t Eat Breakfast with this Man!

As Red Buttons Used to Say, Straaaaaaange Things are Happening!

6 Degrees of Separation

Who’s the Guy in the Skirt?

The Greatest Patriot

The Best Love Story I Ever Heard

Dedication

To all the people cited in this book, especially my family,

as without their lovable escapades a lot of these stories

could not have been written, I love you all.

To the stranger I may have encountered, whose chance meeting

gave me the inspiration for a story, and particularly my good friends

who have allowed me to write about them, you know who you are,

and I thank you.

A special thank you to Genevieve Lambert

for preparing this manuscript for publication.

Finally, to Bob, my light at the end of the tunnel,

my love and affection… always.

Foreword

I don’t think there is any sound more wonderful than the sound of laughter, and humor, to me, is what makes the world spin. As I said in my last compilation, I tried being downcast and depressed once, it didn’t work for me, and if we try hard enough, we can find humor in any situation.

Once, during one of my humor presentations, I tried some self deprecating humor, and found it quite to my liking. Not that there isn’t anything funny about me anyway, I just have this quirky way of looking at things, and when you laugh, the world laughs with you, when you cry, you only have to blow your nose! Besides, I have funny relatives.

So, here we are, warts and all, the funny stuff, the touching stuff, the weird and stupid stuff, it all makes for a funny read… trust me on this.

I hope you enjoy this compilation, a lot of the stories are from my own experiences and acquaintances, and, not only that, most of it is true!!! If you do enjoy it, tell somebody else and maybe they’ll buy the book too. Whatever you do, NEVER lend this book to anyone; I make no money off of loaned books!!!!

Part I

Is it just me, or am I right?

At Last, and Finally:

Goodbye Dreary Winter

All I can say is, thank goodness the worst of winter is over! Not that we had that bad a season of it, it was just so dreary and windy and not very pretty at all. The constant warm, cold and back to cold again was not the very best of winter, I don’t think. Anyway, I’m glad it’s over, and I never thought spring would ever get here.

Hooray for spring!

Have you noticed all the gorgeous trees that are now blooming around the county, not to mention the very pretty jonquils that are still out and about?

Actually, I love spring, not just for the foliage and warmer weather, but for a lot of good stuff that happens in April and May. There was always spring break, if you remember, Easter, Mother’s Day, income tax time… well, maybe that isn’t a good example, but I can remember in school being so happy when spring arrived because I knew the end of the school year would not be that far away.

The kids today are so lucky to have so many days off from school, and nice field trips. When I was in school, a field trip meant walking as a class around the block!

I can recall when I was in the third grade, and we made one of about three field trips in my school career, my class went to the city jail to have a look around. The officers showed us the jail cell, and I can remember, as if yesterday, an officer telling us to walk inside and look if we wanted to, but do not close the door.

He was emphatic when he said it too, so being the dutiful little school girl I was, I walked inside and promptly shut the cell door, and it closed with a loud clang, too.

Scared me half to death.

Well, what do you suppose happened?

That’s right, I couldn’t get out, and while the rest of my classmates were wandering around the building. I suddenly found myself alone, locked in a jail cell, and only 7 years old. Good thing it didn’t go on my record!

After yelling and banging on the cell door, the jailer came and unlocked the door, gave me a stern look and directed me towards the rest of my class.

The good news is, I got to walk at the head of my class as we went back to school, holding the teacher’s hand yet.

Then, there was my senior year in high school, when the graduating class got to take a tour bus ride to Ida Casson Calloway Gardens in Georgia, for a day of fun in the sun. At the lake there, yours truly fell asleep while sunbathing, getting a blistering burn that kept me up at night for several days! It was soon after that when the entire class got food poisoning at our senior luncheon, and almost had graduation cancelled because of it.

Despite all these fond memories, I still love spring, and we here in North Carolina seem to do it so well. Once the first warm, beautiful day arrives, I instantly take back all the unkind things I say about winter, and I really hold it over the heads of all my northern relatives. While they are enjoying a break in the ice on Lake Michigan, I am tooling around the county admiring the flowering trees, blooming flowers, Bar-B-Que, Cheerwine, all that stuff.

Life just doesn’t get any better!

Where’s Matt Dillon

When You Need Him?

Some of the news headlines today are scary. One has to wonder where all the manners went, what happened to neighborliness. I guess the Golden Rule went out the door! When I was a kid we just did not have all this violence and destruction. For one thing, it was right after WWII, and it seemed everyone was so happy just to get that over with and see what all they could do to help their neighbor that love thy neighbor and friendliness just went hand in hand. The exception of course, seems to be the folks out in the Midwest who have suffered through these tornadoes. They are being given a helping hand, and when Salisbury experiences some tragedy, the likes of Lyerly Funeral Home burning down, the good folks of Rowan County always reach out.

My children are always the first to slap hand to forehead and roll those big brown eyes every time I get on a reminiscing jag, but there’s a reason why they call them the good old days! I have really enjoyed reading the articles about the early days of Piedmont Players, for instance.

I was part of those days, and the first play I worked on was The Glass Menagerie. We performed it at Knox Junior High School, and I think Bob Hill was the director. It was done without benefit of curtain, and I was in charge of the props, so every time the stage went dark we would scoot out there wearing all black and move the props around for the next scene. Man, it was a great time!

Another thing I enjoyed was reading about Sidney Blackmer. I was a lab technician at the old Rowan Memorial Hospital back when Sidney used to come in for his checkups or whatever he was having done at the time. Sidney liked to be on, so we had to call his room and notify him when we were headed up to do blood work on him, to give him time to prepare himself for our visit.

There were a lot of interesting things going on in the so called good old days, but what I used to love was listening to the radio. I remember the Christmas I got a nice radio and I would be in my room at night or on weekends listening to all the good shows. If we closed our eyes, we could really visualize all the action taking place in that small, square box next to the bed.

My favorites were always the westerns, The Lone Ranger, Hopalong Cassidy and the like. Years later these programs transferred to black and white television, and for 15 minutes, I was carried away to the old Wild West, where men like Wyatt Earp and Matt Dillon held sway on Gunsmoke. Occasionally I still catch one of the Gunsmoke shows on TV Land, and I realize all over again why is has been my favorite. It’s a classic. The violence was minimal, nobody blowing up anything, no far-out characters from outer space; they were simply good shows.

We have no heroes anymore. No men on white horses come to save the whole town from a gang of bloodthirsty outlaws and no true action shows where your imagination has to do most of the work. What a shame that is, too. The best part of childhood was following characters like Superman, Batman, and The Green Hornet; they were simply the most wonderful folks in the world. Who would not admire their altruistic lifestyle and their bravery? Well, time moves on, and we now have to look for new heroes, I guess.

Television and movies have come a long way, I know, but I still have fun remembering the past and those old TV sets. TV came late to our house, so I used to watch it at my Aunt Florence’s house. She had one of the first console sets, an old Muntz. It has a 6-inch screen, set into 4 feet of cabinet! You could get the news on it, Milton Berle every Tuesday night, maybe a drama or two, and wrestling, which my Uncle simply loved. He’d eat a bowl of corn flakes, drink a soft drink and watch wrestlers like Gorgeous George. When the match went off, the Star-Spangled Banner was played, and we went to bed. Don’t recall as many folks getting into trouble back then either, keeping those hours.

Oh I know, I have slipped from reminiscing to old fogeydom, but who cares? The memories are almost as good as the real thing was! Just wish we had a real life Matt Dillon out there now; we could really use him!

What Do I Look Like, a Bird?

You, my readers, know that a lot of things tick me off, and the older I get, the more some things irritate me. For instance, I am forever being asked if I am on social media, you know, Facebook and all that mess. No, and I’ll tell you why; there is quite enough information about me on the Internet, I have no idea who put it there or how it gets added to, but, it’s there, so, why should I do anymore? I don’t want to do anymore, I think there should be some air of mystery to everyone, don’t just lay it all out there, I mean, what would be the point of trying to get to know another person, if you can look on the Internet and find out what they ate for breakfast that day?

I have decided too, that the next person who asks me if I tweet, I will look them in the eye and say no, do I look like a bird????

I’ve mentioned my genius cousins, Jim and Rick, before. They’re always ragging on me to come into the 21st Century, and that Rick, he can make a computer stand up and dance, so just to appease them one day, I attempted to write a blog. Now, I am not the smartest person, electronically speaking, but, I thought, how hard could it be? So, I googled the instructions on blogging, and much to my surprise, they were clear and concise—the only problem being, I did not have the buttons, slots or what have you, on my computer to complete the job. Soooo, I emailed back to my kinfolk that I couldn’t do it, and I know, I just know, they are still laughing hysterically at me.

When, as a child, I would attend family dinners, I was always put on the end, by myself, because being left handed; they didn’t want me punching anyone while we ate. For years I longed to sit in the middle of the table, join in the conversation, and be able to pass the mashed potatoes to my left, or right, or across the thing, but no, there I was in dining Siberia, nodding and smiling just as though I knew what was going on! I come from a huge family, lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, and there is just my Uncle Al, God rest his soul, me, and 2 of my grandchildren who are possessed of left handedness, and, I read somewhere that lefties are smarter than the right handed folks, because, we primarily use the right side of our brains, and everybody and their dog knows that the right side is dominant. I have taken that knowledge to heart, and sit here secretly smirking that all of you computer geeks and electronic wizards are really not as bright as me. Supposedly, we are craftier, play better baseball, write better books (hey, that sounds familiar), sing prettier songs, and dance better than the rest of you!!! We can also do more tricks with a yoyo than you righties.

Well, I’ll take what I can get, and as I sit here smugly pondering my superior intelligence, I will also tell you I don’t have a digital camera either—so there!!! If it ever warms up, I will go out to my patio, gaze upon my gorgeous flowers and feel sorry for all you people sitting in front of a square screen all day. Smarter, indeed!!

My Life Would Make

a Bad Reality Show

I am truly amazed at the huge number of reality shows on the television these days, everything from following drug addicts around as they are confronted by family members, to watching amateur fixit people as they mangle thumbs and nails trying their own home improvement projects. It is unreal, the reality shows.

You’ve got to wonder at the gray matter these producers have as they ponder the next group of individuals to be exploited by the all seeing camera, don’t you. I mean in one night, you have a choice of watching either a bounty hunter on the loose, a drug addict being confronted by their family for intervention, or, some wealthy no life bachelor as he makes his selection from a group of crazed, money hungry nubile singles, all vying for that diamond ring he will offer at the end of the series.

I am in no way belittling the people who watch this drivel, but, I do think it rather sad that the TV watching public actually gives some sort of credence to these episodes. Me? I’d much rather curl up with a good book.

TV has never held much of a fascination for me, even in its infancy. I can remember seeing a few shows in my early youth, but, quite honestly, we didn’t even own a television set on a full time basis until 1961—believe it or not. The grands are always asking me what I looked at before Sponge Bob came on the scene. Well, I do recall going over to my Aunt Florence’s house on Tuesday evenings to look at Milton Berle on her 9" screen. Then, there were the early westerns, 15 minute shorts with Hopalong Cassidy and The Cisco Kid in them. Some of the early morning talk shows were good, as well as newsy. The nightly news with Frank Reynolds or Huntley Brinkley started out as a mere 15 minute newscast. In that short length of time, we could only watch the really big stories, nothing of a trivial nature in them, and the anchors were stars in their own right—Walter Conkrite, Frank Reynolds, Chet and David.

I was into the variety shows, such as Nat King Cole and Perry Como for awhile, as well as a brief TV fan of the Mickey Mouse Club. I don’t think the idea of a reality show was even a gleam in the eye of the most prolific producer at that time. I do remember doing a lot of reading, as well as lengthy phone conversations with friends, and driving down to the local drive in, such as the Varsity in downtown Atlanta at night. No, we were too busy living our lives, studying, and doing our after school jobs to mess around with much television.

We were the radio generation. The closest we came to the reality shows were the radio soaps, One Man’s Family comes to mind; my mother never missed an episode, which means the whole family listened to it as well. The adventures of Kitty Foyle was another one she was faithful to as I recall. In the early days of television, it went off after the late news, with the Star-Spangled Banner being played, then, everyone went to bed and we stayed out of trouble. When the TV changed and went to 24/7 broadcasting, and the stores began staying open around the clock, that’s when we started to get into mischief and when family togetherness went by the wayside.