Soundtrack of My Soul: A Look Into the Life, Death and Rebirth of a Schizoaffective Man

By Michael Ferrer

Soundtrack of My Soul: A Look Into the Life, Death and Rebirth of a Schizoaffective Man is an in depth look into the life of Michael A. Ferrer, a man who suffers from a mental disorder called Schizoaffective Disorder. Michael takes you through his journey, exposing you to traumatic events that caused his mental issues from his abandonment, to his molestation at 14, to the loss of his daughters to DHS. In this book, you will see and feel how different the world and all of its challenges are through his eyes, as he uses musicians and music such as, Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue and Sixx AM, Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, Nahko and the Medicine for the People, with the goal of bringing a personal awareness and perspectives of the many problems and challenges that people like him go through on a daily basis and the hopes to inspire those with similar disorders to rise up and not allow their disorders to define them.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Michael Ferrer
• Release date: Nov 24, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370395545

Michael Ferrer

My name is Michael A. Ferrer. I was born in Brooklyn, NY. But I was raised in Aguadilla, Puerto Rico. I have a mental disability called Schizoaffective Disorder, but I do not let it define me.

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Soundtrack of My Soul:

A Look Into the Life, Death and Rebirth of a Schizoaffective Man

Copyright 2017 Michael A. Ferrer

Published by Michael A. Ferrer at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Soundtrack of My Soul

A Look into the Life, Death and Rebirth

of a

Schizoaffective Man

Michael A. Ferrer

Dedication:

I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife, Sebrina, and all of my kids, Vanora Jane, Lilyana Morgaine, Jacob, KalebKaleb and Rayvin.

I also dedicate this book to all of those people who suffer from mental disorders and feel the judgment coming from those whom do not understand us. You are not alone.

Table of Contents

Introduction: The Journey Begins

Chapter 1: Brief Rundown

Chapter 2: Beginning of My Dark Road

Chapter 3: Two Sided Arrow

Chapter 4: Continued Journey on the Black Road

Chapter 5: The Solar Eclipse/Change

Chapter 6: The Phoenix Burns (Faithful Deception)

Chapter 7: Sudden Change

Chapter 8: This is WAR

Chapter 9: Beware of…

Chapter 10: A New Addition

Chapter 11: Center of the Universe

Chapter 12: God is a Myth

Chapter 13: Hitting Fast Forward

Chapter 14: The Day My Spirit Died

Chapter 15: Distractions

Chapter 16: Sober (Why Can We Not Be Sober?)

Chapter 17: Deathly Composition

Chapter 18: Taken

Chapter 19: Vyktor Wolf Erikson

Chapter 20: Why?

Chapter 21: Playing Chicken

Chapter 22: Clarification

Chapter 23: Kidnapped

Chapter 24: Am I Insane?

Chapter 25: Will You?

Chapter 26: Birth or Rebirth

Chapter 27: Boriken Bella

Chapter 28: Oubao Moin (Island of Blood)

Chapter 29: Full Circle

Chapter 30: Hamilton (The Boricua Version)

Chapter 31: Broken Love

Chapter 32: The Inevitable

Chapter 33: Don’t Pray For Me

Chapter 34: Immigrants (We Get the Job Done)

Chapter 35: **Disclaimer**

Chapter 36: Regrets

Chapter 37: Rise Up

Chapter 38: My Dark Place Alone

Chapter 39: Black As Night, Red As Blood

Chapter 40: Weak and Powerless

Chapter 41: Phoenix Rising

Chapter 42: Directions

Chapter 43: This Is Gonna Hurt

Chapter 44: Life is Beautiful

Chapter 45: Nothing to Lose

Chapter 46: Love Conquers All

Epilogue: One Last Eulogy

Appendix A: Poems and Songs

Appendix B: Photographs

About the Author

Connect With Me

Schizoaffective disorder is a chronic mental health condition characterized primarily by symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations or delusions, and symptoms of a mood disorder, such as mania and depression.

Introduction: The Journey Begins

Thank you Great Spirit for causing my heart to stir and begin this journey of placing my past and present on these pages. Thank you to my Ancestors, my Spirit Guides, the two-legged, four-legged, winged, finned, crawling, trees, plants, stones and all in between for being here with me as I begin this journey.

Great Spirit, make me into a hollow bone and flow through me as I write these pages in order to serve and help those that need it. Bless them as they read and if they find any part that helps them as they journey through life. May my ego be at bay, as this is not for me but for our community of We.

Guide me as I write that which you want in these pages. Ancestors and Spiritual Guides be with me and guide me.

Jan jan catu! (Yes, let it be!)

Welcome my relatives!

Before I begin, I must warn you that what I am about to write is not planned or even thought out. Last night, as I read my Brother and Uncle's Jim Graywolf Petruzzi's book Walking with the Earth Mother, I felt in my heart that I needed to write. This book may become one of both teachings for you and I, as well as completely bipolar in its moods. It will not be an easy one to read nor one to write for me since I will be diving into the abyss of my past and come out with the hope of rising up from the ashes of the present, like the phoenix.

These things that I write may come in different forms, such as poems or songs. It all depends on what Great Spirit leads me to write. As I said, I have no idea what will be in these pages. I am just the vessel that Great Spirit can flow through. I don't even have the title yet. I believe that he will guide my fingers to write and the strength of the Buffalo, Wolf and Bear, and the knowledge of both the Spirit and Earth realm from Crow, all of them revealing themselves as my Relatives and Spirit Guides throughout my 37 years of life on this beautiful Earth, Our Mother.

So, with this I ask that you join me as my Brothers and Sisters as I begin this journey of remembrance and of renewal into this Red Road that I am on. And I ask Great Spirit and Earth Mother to bless you and all of the world.

Seneko Kakona! (Many Blessings)

Michael Kaobanna Guariboki Ferrer

Chapter 1: Brief Rundown

I was born on April 29th, 1980. The oldest of four children, three of which had not been even a thought. Though now I think about them a ton. But that is for later. My parents, Juanita Colon Rodriguez and Albert Ferrer, raised me as best as they could with the limited knowledge that they had about parenting. Now I know how that is, being the father of three girls and three boys. I often apologized for how I was due to this fact. One never knows what parents mean when they say wait until you have your own kids; they are going to be just like you. But I digress.

We lived my first twelve years in a small apartment on 4th Ave and 61st St in Brooklyn, N.Y. I don't remember much of my younger years in New York, though they have been coming back slowly lately. My dad was an avid baseball fan and we would walk across the street to the baseball field to watch him play. He was drafted to the N.Y. Mets when he was younger, but could not play because he got stabbed with an ice pick. He an amazing player. His job was a bus driver for the MTA. I never really knew what my mom did, other than that she worked for the Board of Education. They both worked all the time. My mom during the day and my dad overnights. It was rough.

My school life was that of the normal, nerdy kid, who got picked on everyday and who had a very hard time. I wore those huge glasses and goofy smile. I was always afraid of what the kids would do to me. And so I took drastic measures to either avoid school altogether or at the very least get out early. These were not my proudest moments because I ended up becoming a professional liar before the 5th grade. Let me give a few examples. One day, I found out that the school bully wanted to really hurt me. Let's call him Freddy. I was deathly afraid to see him. So, I began spreading a rumor throughout the school that I had contracted AIDS. This was at the height of the HIV epidemic in the 80's, so my saying this was a huge deal. Fortunately for me, Freddy heard about it and refused to be near me. In fact, no one did. UNFORTUNATELY, my school principle called my mom to confirm this. Needless to say, I barely could sit for days.

I suddenly feel the need, as I do when I tell this story, to call my mom and dad in order to apologize. Again. I put them through some hell in my 37 years of being on Earth. Sometimes I wish that I could take it all back. But then I would not be the man that I am today. I probably would not be writing this today if it weren't for the way I was then and the way my parents (and Grandmother) raised me. Both the positive and negative. I am now thankful for it all. Thankful because, though they were quite extreme at times, they were and are lessons from Great Spirit to give strength and wisdom. Now, back to the story.

Another example of my profession was the time where I threw myself down three flights of stairs just because I was bored and didn't want to be in school. You read right. I sacrificed myself for the sake of having something to do. I laid there for 30 minutes, until someone found me. I then acted like I couldn't walk very well. They took me to the nurses station and called my mom. I was excited that my plan worked. That is until we were leaving the school. You see, I was limping with my left leg before and when my mom arrived. But in my excitement as we left, I began limping with my right leg. BUSTED! My mom took notice and to this day I do not remember what she and my dad did to me.

Let me explain something about my mom and dad. As I said before, they did what they thought was right. But their punishments were sometimes very severe. The list of what they did is extensive ranging from spankings, slaps, kneeling on the floor on a bed of raw rice, among many others. I am not saying this about them to get a rise out of you or to badmouth my parents. In fact, it is the total opposite. I am saying this because I feel that Great Spirit is reaching out to those of you whom have been affected by the treatment and abuse of your own parents. And that there is a way out of the hatred and fear that haunts us daily from these abuses. It is called love and forgiveness. One cannot go without the other. You can't forgive and remain hateful, just like you cannot love and be vengeful. It just doesn't work. And you will see this in my life as we journey into my first dark time of the soul. Whether it is your parent, your sibling, your spouse or your own children, remember that we are all human and that we are all related. (More on this later)

Chapter 2: Beginning of My Dark Road

After I finished 5th grade, my mother, brother and I took a trip to Boriken (Puerto Rico) to see my abuela, aunts and uncles. It was a fun summer. Especially because the beach was very much involved and I loved being in the water. In fact, if I could've lived in the water, nobody would be able to get me out.

My abuela lived in a town called Aguadilla, on the west side of the island. She lived less than five minutes from Crash Boat Beach, Benito Cerezo High School and La Milagrosa Catholic Church. Downtown Aguadilla was roughly 20 minutes away and Ramey Base, the old Air Force Base now airport, was about 30 minutes away. If you were to drive or even walk around Aguadilla, you would be enamored with the environment. Most houses were surrounded by plants, mango trees, avocado trees and all sorts of things. And during the Christmas season, you would not be able to find one house that wasn't completely lit up with lights. It was a sight.

But, if you dug deeper you would find an oasis of tropical heaven. One example was the Ruinas Beach. Mother Nature took over an old Spanish Fort with different plants, animals and trees. It is a wonder to walk through, as I had done countless times. One can become one with our Great Mother and Great Spirit in locations like this. And they are all over Boriken.

Now that I have given you a small taste and a huge reason to go to my home country, let's return to the story.

As our time on the island was coming to an end, I began packing my bag. I had many reasons to be excited to go back to New York. One being that I had a girlfriend in elementary school. The other reason was that I was about to start Middle School. Both of these were extremely important in my young life. But the excitement came to an abrupt stop as we got to the airport. My mother looked at me and told me to leave my bags because I was staying with my Abuela and Aunts. Pow! The first blow that felt like a punch to the gut. I stood by the terminal (Yes. You were able to go all the way to the gate to say goodbye), waving goodbye and watching them fly away.

I did not realize it then, but this sort of abandonment would haunt me and open me up to so many rebellious acts. I just didn't see it as abandonment. I really didn't think that she would just leave me here. But that she did and that anger built up until, with everything else that would end up happening, I exploded into a fiery rage. And it all began with this one moment.

If you don't mind me asking you, my Relatives, how many have felt this or any sort of abandonment? I ask because I have come to realize that abandonment or the feeling of being abandoned is, in a lot of ways, the precursor to what we call mental disorders. Now, I am not a psychiatrist or counselor or doctor, but if you look at how our Ancestors lived 500 years and beyond, they lived in communities where nobody was abandoned. They did everything in community and treated each other as Mitakuye Oyasin or WE ARE ALL RELATED as the Lakota Tribes say. This included the Plant people, Standing people (Trees), the Four-legged, Winged, Insects, Finned and even Stone People. If you think about it, abandonment was a non-existent notion as was mental illness in many ways.

Fast forward to today, everything has a classification for mental disorders, fathers abandon their children over anything, mothers look for men/women to fit the role of fathers, elders are treated like liabilities and hassles, our kids learn from watching YouTube and, dare I say, Pornhub for advice on life and sex, and how our relationship with Earth Mother has gone from treating her with respect and honor and love, to taking advantage of her gifts to us, tearing at her flesh and bleeding her dry with our greed like she was trash. The question that comes to my mind right now, as I sit here waiting for my Sebrina to come out of my kids room, is what would, no scratch the would, what do our Ancestors think about our lifestyles now? And all I picture is all of them shaking their heads in sadness.

I think that I will end this chapter on this note. I do not want to send you out with an assignment. Whether you do it or not is not my concern, though I do believe that you will do it. Close your eyes and think of when you felt the most abandoned. The moment you see it, write it down in a journal or a piece of paper. Then close your eyes again and picture in your mind and heart how you can let go of that abandonment. It can be as simple as writing a letter to whomever abandoned you or to yourself saying, I forgive you for abandoning me. I let this anger go. You can make an offering of Sacred Tobacco and/or sage/sweet grass to Great Spirit or to whomever you wish. The important thing is to let it go. It will not happen over night, but