More Funny Stuff: By the Author of the Original Funny Stuff, a New and Witty Compendium of Comic Verses to Jostle Your Chuckle-Bone

By Robert Gardiner

With just a hint of Ogden Nash, this volume of light verse takes a sly, quirky look at the human scene, and finds in most of it a readily available source of mirth. For example. Foibles: Reflections of a Gossip. Aging: Just too Old to be a Good Liar. Naughty: On Julias Clothes. Strange predilections: The Dung Beetle. Critters: How to Make a Cow Eco-friendly. Vittles: Last Words to a Lobster. The joys of medicine: Ode to a Colonoscopy. Cheerful Nonsense: Ode to a Pair of Missing Pants. These poems are just a few of the 125 that comprise this new and witty compendium, designed, in the words of the sub-title, to jostle your chuckle-bone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493159161

Book preview

Copyright © 2014 by Robert Gardiner.

ISBN:      Softcover      978-1-4931-5915-4

                eBook         978-1-4931-5916-1

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Rev. date: 01/22/2014

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris LLC

1-888-795-4274

www.Xlibris.com

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138784

Contents

Introduction

FOLLIES AND FOIBLES

If I Were A Scoundrel

He Never Disobeys A Rule. But…

A Cynic’s Advice To A Liar

When I Was Young, They Called It Lying

Thou Shalt Forgive

Hard Work

Night Owl*

The Testimony of a very Unusual Man*

Reflections of a Gossip*

Ambition

In a Pinch, any Excuse will Do

Know-It-All!

Mr Perfect

Old Habits Die Hard

A Slight Maladjustment

To His Beloved

This Fellow Needs A Logic Pill!

An Ode To The One-Third Of My Life That Was Comatose

Black Friday

The Mess On My Desk

The Glorious Egress Of Midas Jack

One More Apocalypse Bites The Dust

A Parable Revisited*

THOSE NUTTY POETS

Writer’s Block

The Poet

A Humble Poet’s Tribute To His Wife

In Dead Of Night, The Muse Will Strike

Down To Basics

GEEZERHOOD

Nevertheless

I Don’t Do That Any More

Those Little Pills!

Just Too Old To Be A Good Liar

An Ode To My Failing Memory

Two Seniors By The Sea

A (Very) Senior Citizen To His Wife

Grateful For Small Favors

Hooray For The Golden Years!

Muscles: An Epitaph Of Sorts

My Fiftieth Reunion

CUPID’S CAPERS

On Julia’s Clothes

Viagra

Surprise!

What We Didn’t Know About Watermelons

Hormones

Renewing Your Vows: A Light Touch

The Trouble With Kissing

A Youg Man Faces A Sad Parting Of The Ways

CRITTERS

To The Bird That Pecks My Chimney Pipe Every Morning

The Cicadas’ Song

How To Make A Cow Eco-Friendly

DNA Makes Strange Bedfellows or You Don’t Have To Love Your Relatives

The Dung Beetle

Why I Do Not Like Mosquitoes

Poo Power

Dogs Will Be Dogs

Six Little Critters

The Quahog: His True End

To A Mosquito

Rabbits, Rabbits!

Squirrel At The Bird Feeder

The Warthog or Love Among The Uglies

A Short Elegy For A Tick

Grass Seed: A Bird’s Eye View

The Family Cat Considers The New Baby

Evolution

Ode To A Cat

To A Flea

Early Birds

A Lobster Tale

The What & Where & How & Why Of Platypus & Platypi

VITTLES

Bran!

Last Words To A Lobster

The Inside Of A Cantaloupe

Entomophagy

Thanksgiving

Butterscotch

Five Limericks About Food

The Fountain Of Youth?

Prayer At His Last Meal Before Going On A Diet

THOSE DIRTY FATES

‘Daffodils’ Revisited

The Great Leveler

Four Seasons

Evolution’s Big Mistake*

Some Days You Just Can’t Win

A Sportive Bargain

A Cheerful Invitation To Optimism When Everything Is Going To Pot

The Return Of The Prodigal Son

In Line At The Supermarket

A Klutz’s Complaint

On The Dreadful Unfairness Of Things

An Elderly Environmentalist Looks At The Ocean

I Do Not Want The Sun To Rise…

Inflation

ODDS AND ENDS; MOSTLY ODDS

Ode To A Colonoscopy

On The Beach, A Century Ago

Yard Work

We Are Not Amused (She Said)

Dermatologist On The Beach

How I Love The City

The Bigger They Are…

The New Toy

This Is Progress (Or: The Dangerous Chamber Pot)

Kerplop!

CHEERFUL NONSENSE

Ode To A Pair Of Missing Pants

If Only…

The Hospital Gown

Side Effects

I Like The Skin

A Tale Of Two Lions

The Scent Of A Dream

Ode To The Ears

Puzzle Piece

Always Be Happy!

Shorts

A Tongue-In-Cheek Ode To Summer

Weeds

To Be Or Not To Be or Time Travelers, Beware!

The Best Advice

NUTS TO THE GRIM REAPER

She Did What?!

The Obit Page

An Old Bedtime Prayer

Defiance

What Goes Around Comes Around

My Life—The Final Day

The Last Big Bargain

Introduction

Five years ago (2008)) I published my first book of light, comic verse—FUNNY STUFF.

It was, as it happens, my first major project upon retiring from the ranks of clergydom: after forty years of sermonizing, I turned my talents, such as they were, to poetizing, and the result was FUNNY STUFF, as I said above. Poets, it is said, cannot be happy unless they are writing. It’s true. I was happy writing FUNNY STUFF, so as soon as that book hit the streets, I decided to make myself happy again writing another one.

Of course I had qualms. Agewise I was pushing the mid-70’s. Would I live long enough to get it done? If I did, would my aged brain succumb to creeping (or galloping) dimentia? You can guess the answer: I’m still here. And, as I’ve been reassured, more or less of sound mind. In any case, I took a chance, went ahead, and wrote that other book.

That is the book you now hold in your hands—a hundred twenty-five poems, all designed, as the sub-title says, to jostle your chuckle-bone. They jostled mine, writing; I hope they will jostle yours,