“U” Set Her Up

By Xlibris US

J. Barnhart is a new Author hoping to unleash the silence of
various experience in her life. She is a College Graduate, married
with two children, a son and a daughter. She has four grand
daughters and one great granddaughter. She grew up in the South
Bronx and presently resides in New York. She has several stages of
employment basically centered in Family and Children Services.
Her specialty being Addition Services She has been a state and
nation wide Public Speaker on several forums regarding Addiction
and HIV/AIDS.During her years in College she was given honors
for Public Speaking and Advocacy. She was also mentioned in a
newsletter where she was named one of ten women most likely to
succeed. She also won fi rst place in a speaking competition for her
acknowledgement regarding Bi-Lingual Education no she is not Bi-
Lingual. Her motto is "Honesty Is Th e Best Policy. Her need to
honestly share her story is the number one motivating factor for
writing this book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781493112128

Book preview

CONTENTS

Chapter One      A Long Time Coming

Chapter Two      U Know Me

Chapter Three     Show Yourself Strong

Chapter Four      Live and Let Live

Chapter Five      On Our Way

Chapter Six        Let Them Live Anyway

Chapter Seven    Put Up or Shut Up

Chapter Eight     Stand Up During the Storm

Chapter Nine      It’s On Now

Chapter Ten        Say So Anyway

Chapter Eleven   Yes, They Will Be Uncomfortable

Chapter Twelve   We’re Almost There

Chapter Thirteen  Please Get Used to It, We Have Arrived

CHAPTER ONE

A Long Time Coming

From the beginning she felt set up. How did she end up leaving Central Park West in a safe space, where birds chirped in the morning to straight up confusion?

It was a three room apartment, only one bedroom, on Third Avenue and Saint. Paul Place, in The Bronx, and it was nothing saintly there. Eight persons to one bedroom, it was rat infested and smelled like filth. U set her up to believe that this was better. Soon she realized that U set her up so that apartment #3B was going to be the place where abuse would happen daily. Molestation and incest was a part of life. U set her up to witness her mom being beaten by a useless stepdad. She asked herself many times why he is in this house.

Only U knew that her mother was doing the best she could. She saw how U made it clear that her mother was a hardworking woman. U set her up to play mommy to her younger siblings. She was constantly confused what her role was because mommies and daddies were unable to play their role. Mommy worked all day and sometimes all night constantly running for her life. Daddy was beating here every chance he got. He was raping her girls and physically damaging her boys. U set her so that she and her siblings to despise both of their parents. Daily she waited to be abused knowing she was set up for this as a way of life. U set her up to believe that this is exactly how it was supposed to be. She began to feel that she was set up to be abused for the rest of her life.

U set her up to constantly hear the voices of her mother, grandmother and her great-grandmother, loud and clearly You stay with your man no matter what Be a mother to your children no matter what.

You were taught to walk around in the world like he is doing nothing wrong, no matter how wrong he is. Give him permission to beat, cheat and lie.

U taught her to turn a blind eye to everything that appeared are so wrong. While U were setting her up you also set her siblings up to be confuse and accept those lies. U made sure everything outside her home confirmed she was destined to be an abused and misused persons. Stuck in the situation there was no hope so she felt hopeless.

There was no one looking for anything better for them. She saw the inside a bottle as a place to hide. U set her up to be an alcoholic at the age of nine, Of course she had to prostitute, and turning tricks was the only way to pay for her blackouts. She drank herself into blackouts to forget who she was and where she lived. U set her up to believe that a man could drink all day and beat his wife, then at night rape his girls. She figured she should be able to abuse herself and others so she did.

Now she spent her nights in Fantasy land and her days wondering while in school where all she heard is this maybe rape night, incest time or more molestation. She heard nothing the teachers said. U set her up to know that her teachers knew something was happening and did nothing. She resented her teachers and all the staff that knew something but did nothing. U set her up to accept that no one was coming to save her and she finally ran for her life. They came for her and she ran again, again and again. They asked her what was going on and she figured why tell them because they already knew. She decided that no could ask her any questions they already had the answers for. When they spoke like they were ignorant she said nothing learning to not response no matter what. She would be silent and it would drive them crazy. U set her up to have a weapon she was good at which was keeping quite. U set her up to have secrets. She was set up to learn not to tell anyone what goes on in her home.

The night her step dad beat her mom beyond recognition the only one she could tell and ask for help was the neighborhood dope fiend who knew and always tried to help. She drank into her first blackout and after that she was willing to stay at night at home. U was setting her up to committed homicide and suicide. She was going to kill him and herself. U set her up to try to take her own life instead. U now wanted to set her up to be helped. She was no longer looking for help so U tried to force her to accept their concerns.

They all came to help her and they thought they could take her from mother and her siblings. Yes of course we went to the emergency room. Yes we lied about what happen and we always did. Never tell the doctors the truth we were taught. The pain was so great she tried to drink herself to death that night and every night afterwards. U set her to come home with valiums he pictures of violence in her home were nothing but nightmares. She had vivid images which created many long nights.

Eventually sex became a tool for destruction. U set her up to hate all men who cheat on their wives and she would make them sorry. For all the times he molested her and made her call him daddy, they all would pay. Confusing messages about what daddy should do and the role they play made her a walking time bomb. All the adults around her unable to behave like adults made her want out of this world continuously. She looked back to kindergarten and recall her teacher showing concern and more fearful to move into action. What good are all her concerns? Men became a vehicle for comfort.

Her first love showed a little bit of care and concern, so she moved in with him at 13 years old. Her trust for him was short lived. He eventually felt the need to share her with his family and friends sexually. She became his whore and the other woman for others. There was no man that could have her once and stay away. U set her up to learn how to be vengeful and make and friends pay. She gave him, his family and his friends a venereal disease that spread through the entire neighborhood and then she went to be treated and left him.

It scared her to know how harmful she could be. She was always excusing herself because of what he did. She now started to see how powerful sex was. She could have anything she wanted just by opening her legs. There was something special about her she actually fell in love with the men she wanted to hurt. She found out that she could not have sex without falling in love. U sent many to try to teach her how to hit it and quit it but it was useless. She wanted to be love and feel love if only for a minute. She accepted that a Little bit of love was better than none at all. Love was a foreign word in her home. You better not say it or feel it.

Her nights were filled with fear of going to sleep and days filled with the horror of going home. U made sure she excelled in school despite all. She had already acquired the gift of gab. She could talk to anyone and make them feel better after all that is what she had to do to console her siblings regularly. She could not only convince herself of anything but others also. She convinced herself that noting she did was wrong. U set her up to believe that drugs and alcohol use was not illegal. She convinced herself that she had the right to use and do it strongly. All those acts of prostitution had to be okay because the men who were paying her were good men, at least that’s what she told herself over and over again Parentified children was all over her neighborhood.

U set up all her friends to be comfortable growing up without a childhood. Her story was far from unique she found out later. Conformity was a requirement and she had to follow suit so she did. She did everything that everyone else did. U still made sure that she stood out of the crowd. She was always feeling different. Mostly she always felt less than others.

Finally U set her up for change and she was immediately uncomfortable with your ideas. There was a world she had not known in a long time. Her stepdad was not coming with her mother and her. U set it up so that they would leave hat one bedroom rat infested home and go to a Jewish neighborhood and a seven room apartment.

There were two beds in each room. Her bedroom had a bathroom in it. It was like stepping into a dream. She was being set up for a better way to live. She had no idea that the same person she was in that infested apartment she would bring with her. She did not change who she was she only masquerading as someone else. She knew how to be a fraud. That was something she and her siblings did to get out of themselves.

U set her up to be part of the only children in the building. This place was so different. There were ice cream parlors, a Chinese Laundromat. More whites lived there than she could count. There were famous people coming there often. She also was given the opportunity to make money as a domestic server, a so call slave for hire. She was often driven to work hard cleaning the home of the tenants. Many loved how hard she worked. They had no idea she was always slave driven by her home life. Her mom now treasured her ability to conform to all situations. Eventually her and her siblings began to appreciate what she had done.

Yes U set her up to witness her mom taking charge of her life and family. The first night her stepdad came home, drunk as usual. He started with her mom and a fight began. This time when he hit her mom she was no longer having it. She drew a pistol sent from south by grandma. She ran him into the hallway pleading for his life. She stood there remembering all the abuse he caused. She recalls the day he even tried to throw her out the window and her mom surrendered to another beating to save her life.

Now he was the victim and her mom shoot him in the arm aiming for his face. He fled and did not return. The night was scary and long. She doesn’t remember going to sleep. The next day her mom did not go to work. She thought she was afraid to. She kept them all at home. Her youngest brother was just a baby when she decided we were going away. That night her mother snatched all her children and fled to 174th Street and Macomb’s Road. Now as she stood in her bedroom she saw hoe her mother always had a plan and she had initiated her departure well.

She was able to sleep like the young girl she was. The nightmares did not stop and many days she hurt really badly. She so much felt guilty for hating her mother. U always knew what was going on even then U placed angels to help her mom. Those angels helped her mom to save her money secretly from her stepdad. They helped her to put furniture in every bedroom. There was color coded rooms. There was the Blue Room, The Pink Room and The Gold Room which was hers. Mom had the Front room connected to the Kitchen and Living with two door. Our home was fascinating and so warm.

Having her Caucasian neighbors ask her to scrub there floors did not bother her until one asked her to get on her knees. She instantly became belligerent. She had heard from her old neighborhood about racism and slavery. A song she heard said that we would rather die on our feet than keep living on our knees. She was going to die on her feet. U set her up to see color which her mom did not teach. She now saw that her color was not accepted well. The light skin kids thought they were not black. They separated themselves from her dark skin. She heard a lot of name calling that she found hard to hear. Many called him Black, "Spook—juice and midnight. She felt something inside that she could not name. She knew she was angry at something but did not know what. She turned her anger into ill behaviors.

However, U you set her up to have a loving and caring Caucasian teacher who would make going to school a happy time. He spent so much time encouraging her and telling her special she was. Her outside begin to look good as she focused UN his kindness and leaving the bullies to their plight.

It was so volatile in school because her siblings now made sure that no one would put their hands on her. Her sisters were very violent and many feared them. They had found a way to release their anger successfully through violence. All someone had to say was do you know who sister that is. Her values were material, no matter how she felt on the inside the outside was going to be attractive. She would dress up like the star she believed she was.

She would wear her mom’s clothing which now came from all over the world to school. U set her up to believe that being she was not good enough. She lost herself by pretending to be someone else.

Every day she welcomed life with a smile on her face. Many days she was that person they wanted to be with guys and the girls. She fell into the arms of her first true love and her best friend. U set her up to feel the love of friendship and genuine TLC. Her best friend moved in with her very large family. She went to school with her younger sister but hanged out with her and her older sister. Together they would play hooky from school and hang out in the pool room daily. Soon her neighborhood resembled the one she came from. There were shooting galleries coming up all over the place. She was not a part of another horrid life style. Eventually she and her friend separated.

U set her up to go back to sexual behaviors that were very harmful. She eventually was sent away. Her mother thought that she needed a geographical change. She left with resentful and anger. She took her behavior with here and got pregnant. She hid her pregnancy until grandma found out and was tired of all of her, sent her home to mom.

That baby would be aborted creating a need to get even with those who cause it. U set her up to get pregnant shortly after. For all the times she had denied others their rights to things she was now being denied. Low and behold she still wanted to deny others their rights to the things they worked for. She engaged in more criminal activity becoming a menace to society. She would work hard but only illegally. All the prizes she received in education were put away. She forgot she was in the college prep program at 12years old. She was pregnant and it felt really bad to go to school so she didn’t.

U set her up to reach the crossroads of her life and she always seems to take the wrong path. She felt like she was set up to fail anyway so why pay attention to the signs. Fit teen and pregnant she thought she was grown. Her mother was constantly telling her she was not. Her mother said there was only one adult in her house and it was her, so she left. She went to stay with her Baby Daddy and his mother. She was being very lazy and this was a hardworking family. Everyone went to work or school every day. U set her up to have to leave that home and roomed for a while. Most of her time she spent in the shooting gallery making money illegally. One thing for sugar the addicts treated her well all the time, at least that’s what she thought. She knew then people were on the right path and many wanted her there to. He baby’s father was one U set her up to be with and she did not know how to accept his love for her. Eventually he would leave and go on with his life. He was a very good man and was only going to be a great father.

She finally returned back home to her mother and tried to stay in a humble state. She stayed there and tried many times to reframe from a destructed path. She had her daughter and what a beautiful black, very dark skin child she was. When she returned home she was feeling overwhelmed. She could no longer do what she wants when she wanted. She tried to