Daddy, I Love You to Death

By Janis R. Scott

It began in the warm darkness before birth. The fetus flinched and curled and fought against the fists that beat at it, daily- the fists of its mother who tried to beat it out of existence so she could deny it, so she could cover her own shame, humiliation and abandonment, her own mistake. The horses her mother rode jogging her fetus furiously, sourrounded by wild agitation. The damage from the turpentine ingestion that was of the emryotic fluid in which she swam that was supposed to abort her and she wondered what else she endured for she had no names to fit the crimes. The crime of attempted murder before she was born. And born she was!

4 1/2 pounds with a twisted left foot and refusing mother's milk, unable to hold down a formula, losing weight. Once there, there could be no denying her. Her baby picture was cute, she was bunkled in knitted fluff, a copy was sent to him, the seed donner. He still didn't want her. Her picture was an offering, a save face offering.

How much rejection could she endure. The cost was great, the circuit was endless. No one was the survivor. She was named Roberta he was Robert. Roberta wanted a what was hers. She wanted what she was denied. Her name, her birthday and him. She wanted to wipe away the rejection and she wanted the love she was due.

She was willing to buy it with her soul, he paid for it with his. Her mother couldn't face the ultimate deception. No one won.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: May 9, 2021
• ISBN: 9781665516556

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© 2021 Janis R. Scott. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/06/2021

ISBN: 978-1-6655-1650-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-1655-6 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedicated to:

The real Bob, Poor Devil, who gave

me so much rope I hung myself.

We both had our own separate stories- before we met.

We needed time and experience, which we didn’t take, too bad for me.

I hope it went well for you, for you were in the end, my only love.

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Roberta stood before Colonel Harkins, her right hand upraised, taking the oath.

She had promises from her recruiter- she knew where she wanted her career in the Air Force to take her.

She had a goal- a goal no one could have ever suspected.

She was driven.

She had done her research and despite the sudden rush of fear she was determined to go through with her plan.

It was as though in a dream that she felt her hand being shaken.

She was ‘welcomed’ into the Air Force.

She had taken her first step toward entering his world.

Her destiny was sealed and at that moment, so was his.

The wages of sin is death. she said. But my sin was greater. Why not me?

She knew, of course, why she lived. Death was too easy a price to pay.

Living was to be her punishment- living with the full knowledge of her guilt.

She couldn’t escape her thoughts and memories wouldn’t die- neither the good ones nor the bad ones.

Her brain held it all, the bitter sweet, the cruel ending, all of it her doing.

She could and did blame her parents as well. In their ignorance her die was cast. Her hunger for love, her desire for revenge all started there.

They sinned against her in ignorance.

She sinned against them in revenge.

To the day she died it would be part of her and her a part of them. There was no escape.

Last night she’d curled herself into a tight knot, as the lay alone on the big bed.

She felt so small and lost.

The child she’d been and still was cried inside her.

She’d briefly stilled its tears but at such a terrible price.

Now it cried again and the woman it had become cried with it.

They were both lost.

She let her mind trace its way back through her life to try and understand how it started.

How early? she asked. Was it in the womb?

She remembered the pain she’d felt when her Aunt told her that her Mother had tried to abort her. She drank turpentine, her Aunt had said.

She knew her Mother had ridden horses while she was pregnant with her. She imagined or did she actually know the rest? She questioned herself. Did her Mother’s fists beat her stomach with her inside? Why did she think they did? What was done to her in her fetal stages? Did her Mother hate her just because she was BORN? Because she came out into the world alive in spite of her Mother trying to kill her as a fetus?

It had happened in January. The weather was bitter. She was premature and blue with cold. She was very small and thin- and unwanted.

Her Mother had kept her. She wondered why. Did she think that when she sent the little picture of her to him he would come running for her? That he would send for her? Well, he didn’t.

She married someone else when Roberta was four months old. She was given her stepfather’s name but no one adopted her. They changed her birth date so she wouldn’t find out about herself.

They raised her under a name that wasn’t hers. They stole both her birthday and her name and no one told her until she was eighteen and leaving home.

Her Aunt decided to ‘let the cat out of the bag’ only in this case it was letting the ‘bastard’ out of the bag.

She had been a shy girl back then and already very confused. She couldn’t tell them she knew. She just got away the only way she could- she married.

No one had ever beaten her until that marriage. No one had ever hugged her either as she grew up in that home.

The hugs and kisses had seduced her into the marriage. She hungered for them. They validated her. They made her worthwhile.

She had always been expected to be ‘perfect.’ She wasn’t a person- she was a possession. Her Mother criticized, but there was never praise. Praise was the lack of criticism, she thought.

There was no real joy in the home they shared with Daddy V’s parents. She loved her grandparents. She had no idea they weren’t really hers.

She had a brother when she was a little over a year and a half old and she worshipped him. Her Mother seemed to like him very much.

Her brother grew up in the same dour household.

Daddy V liked to joke. He was kind and worked hard to support them. Her Mother got a job and worked hard, also.

She always felt guilty that their parents had to work so hard to take care of them.

When she was in the first grade she realized they were ‘poor.’ She became ashamed of their unpainted frame house. The kids she went to school with, from ‘town’ seemed to have painted house and living room sets. They had indoor toilets and didn’t have to use the camber pot or squat down behind the smokehouse and go onto the ground like they did.

She remembered bending over and watching her feces come from her little body. It was crawling with pinworms. Who did she tell? No one.

When she liked a little boy at school her Mother ridiculed her. You look like having a BOYFRIEND! she said sarcastically with her mouth pulled down disapprovingly. She was ashamed.

She learned quickly to hide her feelings for boys. She couldn’t wait to become a teenager so she could date. When she did become a teen she, wasn’t allowed to date. The other girls in her classroom dated but not her.

She begged to be like the other girls.

Finally, at seventeen she was allowed to go to Saturday afternoon ball games and occasionally a Saturday matinee with a boy her Mother liked. He was boring and she only went so she could go somewhere. He looked like a boy her Mother once dated (not her paternal Father). Her Mother still had the boy’s picture in her album.

It was from the same album that Roberta pulled a picture loose from the sheet it was pasted to and read the writing on the picture’s back. The picture gave her a clue as to how to contact her paternal Father. The picture was of his Mother and stepfather. Her Mother had spoken of these people as being friends and acquaintances. When she found out his name she knew they were his family. She had seen a picture of him, also. It was twenty some years old, a small faded snapshot in black and white faded to sepia.

When she’d taken the photograph from the family album she was no longer living at home and no longer married to the man she’s ran off to marry at eighteen.

She kept the information on the photo for a long time before she got the courage to call.

His Mother, her Grandmother, answered the phone. They both cried. He had married and had a mall child. Her paternal Grandmother didn’t even like his wife.

He was overseas in the military. He never contacted her nor she him.

Her twenty-fifth birthday was some sort of a turning point for her. She was as lost as she had ever been- maybe even more so.

She had waited so long hoping he would contact her. She was too proud to contact him. His lack of interest wounded her and the wound festered.

She felt battle scarred by just living by the time she decided on the goal. She had no idea of who or what she was. The fairy tale didn’t happen.

Her goal was to find him and make him pay for deserting her.

She joined the military.

She was jealous of his wife and child. He was HERS.

She never told anyone about locating the ‘other’ side of her family.

Her Mother was delighted to have her unmarried and in the military.

Basic training in the hottest part of the summer in San Antonio, Texas was hell, but she maneuvered herself into the same career field he was in.

When she finished tech school she was broken hearted to get assigned to a base on the opposite side of the country. She hated her recruiter who made her so many promises. Then she found out that one of the other WAF’s had wanted her base for it was close to her home and boyfriend. She managed to get the assignments swapped.

Her ‘real’ Grandmother didn’t know she was in the military. She thought she was a floral designer. She had a friend mail her letters to her Grandmother and she called her often never letting her know where she called from. She kept up with news of him through his Mother.

Her assignment got her to his base. Her career field got her to his unit and her determination got her to his squadron and office.

It had all taken time but she had been single minded in her efforts.

They were stationed in Washington State.

The day she met him had been cool. The daffodils were peeking out everywhere. Grass was spring green with tender shoots.

Winter had gone and spring just begun and young people’s fancies turned to love.

She dressed carefully that day. Her uniform was straight from the cleaners. She’d had her long hair wound up in curls at the back of her head. Her hat sat jauntily atop the curls. Her fingernails were freshly lacquered a soft-shell pink and the small amount of makeup she wore was perfect.

Her heart raced until she felt faint. Her newly polished heels tapped down the hallway toward his office. She could feel her heart beat in her throat.

She took a deep breath and stepped in the doorway. She looked around.

Several desks were in the large room and a number of people; both male and female, in uniforms were occupied throughout the room.

Her eyes searched the room.

A tall, dark blonde man turned and their eyes met.

She felt as though she turned to stone. It was as though she looked into her own eyes.

She hadn’t been prepared for their striking resemblance. The tiny snapshot had been faded and only a general resemblance had been apparent.

She was terrified as she recognized their resemblance and was afraid he’d see it too.

She had dyed her hair auburn to change her coloring from dark blonde- the same dark blonde that his hair was. She had thought of herself as being ‘dishwater’ blonde. She thought it washed her out. She loved the way it sparked in the sunlight. Of course, her Mother had criticized the change in her hair color for it wasn’t the color ‘God gave her’. Looking at Robert showed her clearly who the god was who’d given her the dishwater blonde hair! On him it looked gorgeous. The auburn hair made her eyes look greenish. His eyes were a bluish green. His mouth, nose, chin, and hairline were identical to hers. She was glad she’d cut thick fluffy bangs.

He looked younger than she’d expected. His uniform was as immaculate as hers was. He looked trim and neat.

She realized she was staring at him as she stood just inside the door holding her manila folder tight against her chest.

He excused himself from the man he was talking to and came toward her.

Her knees felt like water.

He stood before her with a smile on his face. She felt faint.

Are you looking for me? he asked. His voice was strong, yet soft with a southern accent much like her own.

Yes, she said her voice barely audible. Even before she knew about him she knew she had always been searching for him.

He reached out his hand and she thought he was going to take her hand. Instead he reached for her folder.

Their fingers touched briefly and she felt a flash of warmth travel over her body.

He glanced inside the folder and said, Come with me.

She followed him into a small cluttered office.

He motioned for her to sit down as he placed her folder in front of him on a stack of jumbled papers.

He looked down at the folder and smiled. Our names are very similar. You’re Roberta Scott and I’m Captain Robert Scott.

Her heart did a flip and she felt the color drain from her face. She looked down at her hands, which she had clenched together on her lap.

Roberta, you seem to be scared. Don’t be. I won’t bite, he joked.

She swallowed hard and spoke quietly. I suppose I AM frightened. This is all so new to me.

In a few days you’ll know everyone and it will get better. If you have any questions or any problems you can always come to me. I have an open-door policy here. Of course, you’re to be my secretary some of the time so you’ll get used to me quickly. When I get desperate to get the mess here sorted out I usually get someone to get me back on track. Tim usually does it. You’ll be training with him.

She could only nod. Her eyes feasted themselves on his face. He was very handsome; somehow, she hadn’t expected that.

He spoke to her about the base and his function there. He explained her job to her briefly and she listened responding only when she had to.

Now, we’ll get you acquainted with the office staff, he said and she rose to go outside into the large room with him.

He guided her about the room and she knew she’d never remember the names of the people she was meeting. When they were through he said, You need to get your gear stowed away and get acquainted with your quarters. I understand you’ve just arrived a few hours ago.

She nodded, Yes.

Be back here at nine in the morning and I’ll help you get into your routine, he said.

She had smiled and walked away- then she wondered if she was supposed to have saluted him and decided not. She was so raw and he had a whole career behind him.

Roberta looked back as she stepped out the door. He stood in the doorway of his office watching her.

She smiled at him and turned to walk down the hall.

Her head was spinning. She had worked so hard for this and now she was scared to death. Her mind was made up and she’d let nothing stop her.

After she saw him her longing increased ten folds. His face filled her heart. They were so alike physically. She was molded from his loins. She wondered if they were also alike mentally, intellectually? She didn’t know his birthday. There were so many things about him to be discovered.

Thank God, Roberta thought, that I never got around to sending that picture of me to his Mother- my Grandmother! She’d have had to live in fear of it surfacing if she had sent it.

The next morning Roberta stayed in the shower a long time. She hadn’t slept well. The strange place and noises had been a part of it but her anticipation of the day to come had kept her awake. She was both anxious to see him again- in fact hungry to see him again- and scared.

She’d leaned back letting the water pepper her face. She was tired, almost drained of strength. She ran her hands over her body. Except for the female genitals and breast, she knew it could be his body as well. He was taller and heavier but their bone structure and clear skin were the same. A shiver went over her body.

The hallway seemed even longer than it did yesterday as her heels tapped their way to the office door.

He was in a large room bending over the desk of an airman. They seemed to be discussing a sheaf of papers the younger man held in his hands.

Several people looked toward her. One man said, Hello. Robert looked up, meeting her wide, scared eyes. He said something to the airman and motioned her over.

Roberta, welcome aboard, he smiled as she drew near. You remember Tim here, don’t you?

She nodded, Yes.

I’ve asked him to help you get acquainted with your duties which are much the same as his. I’ll leave you with him now and will speak with you later in the day.

She watched him walk away.

Tim smiled up at her. Take that chair beside mine and we’ll begin by going over this report. It has to be completed by Monday every week. Captain Scott was just going over it with me.

Time had close-cropped thick curly hair of some mousey brown color. Freckles scattered over his tipped-up nose and he had the biggest blue eyes Roberta had ever seen. He looked like both an angelic boy and a mischievous one. Shallow dimples sank into his cheeks when he smiled.

You can put your purse in this drawer, he said, sliding open a large lower drawer of the gray metal desk.

She and Tim worked until noon, taking one small break in between when he showed her to the snack bar and sat talking to her over cokes. A couple of airmen joined them and she relaxed in the easy company.

The work wasn’t terribly interesting- mostly a routine she needed to get used to.

She caught glimpses of Captain Scott several times that morning but he seemed to have disappeared for the rest of the day. She was disappointed.

Tim and a couple of his buddies asked her to stop by the airman’s club with them after work. She would have liked to go along but she reminded herself of her goal.

She didn’t need to be involved with anyone. She needed to be free.

The next morning, she dressed carefully. Of course, the uniform was always the same with several versions of dress, casual and fatigues. She kept her clothes pressed, her blouses starched and crisp, her shoes gleamed and every hair on her head was in place.

She realized she was holding her breath as she opened the door to the office.

She stood in the doorway, quickly scanning the large room.

He wasn’t there. His office door was closed and she could see through the glass panel that his lights were off.

She was disappointed as she walked over to her desk that she shared with Tim.

Tim looked up. His dimples sank into his cheeks. How’s it going? he asked.

Great! she smiled.

Tim looked up at her. You know, you keep reminding me of someone, he said.

Whoever? she asked, as her heart was pounding.

That’s just it! I can’t think of who it is! He turned to point to a chair. I stole this for you. It’s more comfortable than the one you had.

Roberta’s laugh was a little shaky. So, is someone going to come claim it? she asked.

I don’t think so- a friend got it for me- actually it’s like this one that he got for me. He patted the arm of his chair.

Roberta sat down. It was much more comfortable than the straight hard metal chair with the plastic seat she’s used the day before. Her new chair had springs and rolled around easily.

She gave a little bounce and smiled at Time. This is wonderful! She laughed. They worked until break time. During the break in the snack bar she laughed with Tim and his friends as they told her about their night at the club. They invited her to join them at the club after work. She made excuses again.

She worked hard and Tim teased her about wanting to learn everything in a day’s time. She knew she was motivated. She was going to be the BEST. She HAD to be the best. She had put everything she had into getting to where she was but that only meant the effort had just begun. She had goals. She had half formed plans and nothing was going to stop her.

She thought of the marriage that she’d jumped into to escape the trap she had been born and raised in. She thought of the gallons of tears she’s cried because she had been raised to be helpless, to have no confidence, no training for the outside world. She had had no foundation to hold her up in her times of crisis. She floundered. She’d never been allowed to speak as a human being about anything. She was dominated, criticized, her dreams scorned- the dreams of her Mother had run herd on her life. She had been expected to ‘be something’, to excel and to do it alone without a mate- without love- and it was love that she craved. LOVE was a word never used in their home.

She thought of the many pets she’d had. They would disappear, get killed or something usually happened to them. They were considered ‘dirty’ or ‘nasty’ and she shouldn’t let them wallow all over her. They could never be allowed in the house so they were on their own like her. She loved her animals. Her Mother had no use for animals.

She thought of the man she’d married. She had no way to really know him before they were married.

He was in the Air Force and stationed many states away.

She left the day after she finished high school to go to him.

The bus trip was frightening. She’d never been anywhere alone in her life.

She was scared to death until she got to South Carolina when a boy named Charles sat beside her. She still had to get as far a Maryland and he was going even further.

Charles was thin and taller than she was. He had pimples, laughed a lot and was nice to her. He played harmonica. He and some of his buddies who got on the bus with him were going overseas. They were in the military.

Roberta felt safe after Charles got on the bus. She wasn’t afraid she’d miss the bus every time it stopped at a station and the passengers went into the bus station for a break.

That night on the bus was one she’d never forget. It was her first night of freedom.

Charles played the harmonica and his buddies sang softly. The lights on the bus dimmed.

She leaned her head back against the seat and fell asleep listening to the sound of the music and of the bus taking her to freedom.

Roberta woke up once during the night. Charles’ arm was around her and she slept peacefully on his shoulder. She stirred and looked up. He opened his eyes and looked down at her and slowly leaned over to kiss her. They kissed for a long time.

He was married. His wife’s name was Pearl. She was on her way to be married but he was sweet and she was hungry.

When she left the bus station in Baltimore he said, He’d better take care of you! She had no way of knowing she was stepping off the bus and into a living hell that would last for a year and four months and scar her forever. A year and four months that changed her from what she was, into something else. She endured the agony for as long as she could, believing she had nowhere else to go- except back home. She would have died before she’d have admitted defeat and gone back- she would have and almost did.

She was eighteen and in no way was prepared to function as an independent human being. She’d never been anywhere before, alone. She’d never cooked, and she’d never shopped. She knew the price of nothing and to just walk alone into a grocery store terrified her.

She had just a few weeks before leaving home found out the man she’d called her Daddy all of her life wasn’t her biological father. Of course, she had never even heard the word, ‘biological parent’. She’d found out she had another birthday other than the one she’d been told. Her sainted Mother, who preached against boys and was such a ‘Christian’ had tried to abort her and had given birth to a ‘bastard’- namely her. She was confused, she was scared but she was free! She ran to her fiancée for he was her lifeline- he was her escape. They could kiss, hug, spend endless hours making loving and her Mother couldn’t say a word about it, for they’d be married.

Charles saw her off the bus. G was waiting. She ran into his arms.

By the end of the week Roberta was dejected. She’d only caught a few glimpses of Robert. Only once did he even notice her.

She and Tim had sat hunched over a stack of requisitions and as though by radar she turned to see him walking over toward their desk.

Her hand trembled as she put down the page she had been holding.

Their eye met. She had that scared feeling she always had when he noticed her.

Something seemed to pass between them. She saw his smile falter as their eyes held.

He stood beside their desk.

Tim spoke to him.

She felt dizzy.

So, how is Airman Scott coming along? She heard him ask. He was smiling again. She had torn her gaze from his, as he’d come closer.

Tim sang her praises as she looked down toward the pile of papers on their desk.

Well keep up the good work, Roberta, Robert said kindly. Next week I may need some help with some of the work that’s piled up in my office. I’ll probably have you and Tim see what you can do to get it under control. They’ve had me out flying all week and I can’t seem to be in two places at once!

Roberta’s heart beat quickened. She wanted to be in his office- there among his things and close to him.

She worked hard all that week. She was determined that she and Tim would have no excuse not to be able to work in Robert’s office.

Tim teased her about being a ‘slave driver’.

Monday seemed so far away when Roberta left the office Friday after work.

Tim and his friends, again, urged her to go to the airman’s club with them but she made excuses.

That weekend she met a friend.

She was bored and restless. She tried to read in her room but she kept putting down the book to pace back and forth in the small room and look out her equally small window to the barracks next door. Finally, she took the book and went downstairs to the main dayroom.

Several girls sat in groups of two and threes in the large, sunny room. They looked up as she passed them, then continued with their chatter. One girl sat alone at the end of the room. Her fingers ran softly over the keys of the battered piano. She sang in a low husky voice to her music.

Roberta walked over to stand beside her. She felt somewhat drawn.

The girl looked up and smiled. Want to join me? she asked, as she slid over on the piano bench.

I can’t sing and I can’t play, Roberta apologized. She had always been told she was tone deaf. Her Mother had discouraged her to try to sing. She’d say, You’re like me- you can’t sing. Roberta had believed her to the extent that she had frozen up in church. She’d open her mouth to quietly join in the singing. She knew the words, but she’d freeze, fearful that someone would hear her. She noticed that not being able to sing didn’t stop her Mother from joining in. She’d go home after church devastated. Then she’d pray to God to let her open her mouth and be able to sing the next Sunday. She’d often convince herself that God had answered her prayers- then as she stood with the congregation, songbook in hand, she’d become terrified to make a sound. She’d be embarrassed because she was standing with the hymnbook in her hand and everyone but her was singing. Her friends would sometimes nudge her and whisper, sing. Her face would flush with embarrassment. She was extremely shy as a young child and a teen, then as a young confused adult.

The girl at the piano took her back to those times. She patted the seat again. Then just sit. I’ll sing for you, she said.

Roberta sat down. The girl was black and also beautiful. She seemed so confident.

Roberta had never had a black friend. There had been no blacks in her school or her community. She had been raised to ‘be nice to niggers, but don’t mix.’

The girl sang her a beautiful love song. Her graceful hands caressed the keyboard and her voice caressed its’ melody into Roberta’s heart.

As the song ended and the music died away they sat side by side in silence, then the girl turned to Roberta and asked, What’s your name, Chicken? They both laughed and Roberta replied, Roberta or Robbie if you like.

The girl gave a roughish grin and said, Okay Chicken. My name is Evvie.

Roberta stood up. You sing so beautifully, she said.

Thanks, Evvie smiled. I’m sung out and thirsty- want to go to the club for a coke?

Roberta hesitated then realized that yes, she did want to go to the club with Evvie. I’ll run upstairs and get my purse, she said, then asked, Am I dressed okay?

You’re fine, Evvie assured her. Everyone goes casual.

Evvie had a car- not new but in good condition. It was small and blue.

I’d like to get a car someday, Roberta said, but I don’t make enough money.

It took me awhile, Evvie said.

The two girls got acquainted on the way to the club.

Roberta wondered if it was wise of her to go in with the black girl. It was contrary to all she’d known. She liked Evvie- she was so savvy- so confident. Somehow Roberta felt more confident with her.

The club was fun. Evvie had a lot of friends. Color wasn’t a factor. Roberta was happy to find out how popular her friend was.

Tim was there and he came over and slipped his arm around her waist. Well, look who’s here! he teased her. He said hi,’ to Evvie and she laughed. I practically had to drag her here!" Roberta blushed.

They sat at a table with Tim and some of his friends and shared pitchers of beer.

After they consumed several pitchers, Roberta leaned over to ask Evvie, Where’s the ladies room?

Evvie laughed, You’ll get mobbed on the way. I’d better come with you.

As they were leaving the ladies room Roberta said, Evvie, I’m getting a little tipsy. Would it be too much if I asked you to drive me back?

Of course not, Chicken, Evvie said. I’ve had too much myself- here, she took Roberta’s arm and steered her around a group of pool players. Let’s duck out this way.

They started back towards the barracks. The sun had just set and a soft dusk was settling in.

Evvie reached over and turned on some music. She fiddled for awhile with the radio’s knob and found some really mellow jazz. Want to ride around for a while? she asked.

Sure, Roberta agreed. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. The jazz pumped into her blood.

She heard Evvie light a cigarette and soon became aware of an aroma she’d never smelled before. She looked over to see Evvie smiling at her. She held a skinny ready roll between her slender coffee colored fingers.

Evvie held out the cigarette, Want a drag? she asked.

I don’t know how to smoke, Roberta answered. I’d get choked.

Chicken, what DO you know how to do? You can’t play music, you can’t sing, you can’t smoke- can you DANCE? Evvie laughed softly.

Roberta felt shyness envelope her. She’d been feeling so good.

Evvie must have realized she’s embarrassed her for she reached over and touched her hand.

Roberta saw the soft dusk of Evvie’s hand upon her own paleness. The effect was fascinating.

Roberta smiled and Evvie reached out her hand with the cigarette. Just pull the smoke in easy. Let it hang in your mouth and just sort of creep down your throat. Don’t gasp it in, that’s what chokes you. She put the cigarette to Roberta’s lips.

Roberta opened her lips, eased some of the pungent smoke into her mouth. She was determined not to choke.

Evvie laughed, now see how easy that was?

Evvie took a few more puffs and held the cigarette to Roberta’s lips again.

Roberta was soon giggling. The butt had become too short for her to puff.

Evvie fixed the cigarette to a clip and drew in a deep breath. She offered it to Roberta.

No! I’d get burned! Roberta laughed.

Evvie pulled the car over to a curb. Dark trees towered on each side of the narrow lane.

Do this then, Evvie said, take my smoke. She took a deep drag and leaned toward Roberta.

Roberta opened her mouth in surprise as Evvie’s lips pressed to hers. Smoke surged into Roberta’s mouth. She let it ease down her throat and felt Evvie take her mouth away.

The jazz was no longer mellow. It was hot. Roberta’s body throbbed with the music. She knew Evvie had turned her on, but she didn’t think Evvie meant to. She began to giggle and soon she and Evvie were both laughing.

Evvie got her to sing a silly little song with her as they drove back to the barracks.

Evvie parked the car and walked toward the barracks with a still giggly Roberta. She shushed her as they went in the side door and up the stairs. Their rooms were several doors away from each other.

Evvie helped Roberta to her room.

Wow! Roberta laughed. I didn’t know I was getting so drunk on beer!

Evvie smiled. Robbie, it wasn’t beer it was the cigarette.

Roberta fell across her bed. What was it? It didn’t smell like tobacco.

Evvie leaned over and hugged her. You’re a PRIZE, Chicken! Why don’t you go to sleep? We’ll talk tomorrow.

Roberta fell asleep. She woke up at some point during the night and changed into her pajamas. She felt light and relaxed. She pulled back her overs and lay back down.

She thought of the strange drive she’d taken with Evvie. It had a dream-like quality. She still felt strange excitement as the though of Evvie’s soft, puffy lips pressing against hers.

The next morning was Sunday and Roberta slept in. She went to the chow hall for lunch. She’d skipped breakfast.

Tim was already seated at a table in the chow hall. He waved her over after she’d maneuvered her tray down the line.

She walked over to share his table. She was happy to see him. It was always hard for her to come in alone and stand looking for a table.

So, where did you disappear to? He asked her when she sat down.

Roberta laughed. I drank too much. I’m not used to it. Evvie drove me back.

After lunch Tim walked her back to her barracks. Coming to the club later? he asked.

No, I’ve got letter writing and things to do, she answered.

She walked through the dayroom. The lid on the piano was down. Several girls said ‘Hi’ and she answered back with ‘Hi’.

She went upstairs and walked down the hallway to her room.

Evvie’s door was open. She sat on the floor sorting out a stack of records. Hi, Chicken! she called out to Roberta.

Hi! Roberta smiled and continued on to her room. Sometime later she heard a soft tap at her door and when she opened it, Evvie stood there.

Want to come to my room and listen to some music? she asked.

Roberta put down her book. Sure, she said and followed Evvie to her room.

Evvie closed her door and said, Just curl up on the bed. I don’t have room for chairs. She had a large stereo, a rack of records and more records stacked on the floor. She also had a small television.

Evvie put on some lonely sounding music and they lay back listening. It was a long time before Evvie spoke. You really never smoked before? she asked.

Not really, Roberta answered.

That was marijuana, Chicken. I thought you knew until you made that remark about drinking too much beer! I want to apologize.

Roberta laughed. You don’t have to apologize. How would you know I’d never seen any before? Isn’t it against the law or something? She asked.

Something like that. Evvie smiled and Roberta watched the shallow dimples play on her cheeks. Does that bother you? Evvie asked.

Roberta thought for a moment. Not really, she smiled back, I just wouldn’t want to do it that often.

Evvie laughed. I don’t do it often, either. That was a special occasion.

Roberta felt herself blush. She remembered the way Evvie’s lips had felt on hers and the hot wailing jazz.

Roberta woke up before the alarm went off Monday morning. She had washed her hair the night before and had braided it up wet.

She sat brushing the long shimmering waves and wondered if she and Tim would be working in Robert’s office.

Roberta went down the hallway and got chocolate milk and a Zero bar from the vending machine. She didn’t want to go to breakfast. She had butterflies in her stomach in anticipation.

She fixed her hair carefully. It’s too bad I have to wear my hair up above my collar, she thought, wishing she could wear it long and rippling down her back.

It was finally time to leave for the office. She couldn’t wait.

Her heart beat with the rapid click of her polished black heels as she hurried down the long hallway toward the office.

She opened the door and stood there quickly scanning the room. Robert’s light was on in his office.

As she passed his door he looked up. They both smiled. She waved to Tim and walked across the room to the water cooler.

She drank a small amount of the cool water and walked back. He was studying some papers and didn’t see her as she passed.

So, did you get your letters all written? Tim asked.

Some of them. She answered.

Were you writing to a boyfriend somewhere? he asked.

No, I don’t have any boyfriend, she answered.

Want one? Tim smiled.

Not yet, she said. There was someone and I’m not ready to try it again.

I could mend your broken heart, he teased.

And I could break yours, she joked back.

They were busy finished their daily logs when her strange radar alerted her to Robert’s presence. She thought she had actually FELT him walking toward them in the large noisy room.

She looked up and their eyes met. Something passed between them. Roberta felt herself blush and she looked down.

Robert came to stand beside them.

Do you have anything pressing going on here? he asked.

Just finishing the logs, sir Tim replied.

Then when you’re through maybe the two of you could assist me. I’m overwhelmed in there, he laughed.

Roberta was ecstatic. She wanted to help him. She wanted to be near him.

That night, Evvie was already at a table in the chow hall when Roberta came in. Tim and another airman she met at the club sat with her. They waved Roberta over.

So, how was your day? Evvie asked.

Tim and I worked with Captain Scott in his office, Roberta answered.

Tim laughed, We’re nowhere near through.

Half the WAF on the base have the hots for him, Evvie said. I’d like to get locked in that office with him!

Roberta was shocked. Evvie! He’s married!

Evvie laughed. VERY, she sighed, but a girl can still dream!

Roberta smiled. Yeah, she agreed.

By the end of the week Tim and Roberta had Captain Scott’s office immaculate.

Roberta had been disappointed to find he’d not been in the office with them very much. He spends a lot of his time flying and over on the flight line, Tim said.

The few times they had all been there in the office had been times when Roberta was somehow glad Tim was there, too.

Once Robert had been walking past her and she’d turned to hand Tim a stack of papers. She felt Robert’s hand touch her arm as he tried to avoid colliding with her.

The papers had scattered at her feet and they both squatted down to pick them up. They found themselves face to face and only inches apart. Their eyes met and both of them looked away.

Robert handed Tim his stack of papers.

She stood holding hers for a moment. Her heart thudded. Tim reached for the papers in her hand and she gave them to him.

Sorry I upset your apple cart, Robert joked.

It’s okay- not important, she’d answered quietly. She felt her cheeks redden.

Once again, Roberta faced a long weekend.

That night she sat in the chow hall with Tim, his friend Tony (who ogled her bashfully), and Evvie.

Tim mentioned they’d finished with Captain Scott’s office.

Evvie rolled her eyes. Isn’t he gorgeous? she asked Roberta.

Roberta took the opportunity to ask about his family. Evvie! she chided. His poor wife! Have you seen her? Is she gorgeous, too?

I’ve never seen her, Evvie said.

I have- several times, Tim said.

So-? Evvie questioned.

She’s okay, kinda’ dumpy and last time I saw her, she’d put on a little weight. She was at Dunkin’ Donuts with their little girl.

How old is the little girl? Roberta asked.

Probably eight or so- maybe ten, Tim said. It’s hard to tell about kids.

Is she cute? Roberta asked. The little girl, I mean?

She looks a lot like him so I guess you girls would think so, Tim laughed.

Then she’s gonna grow up to be some hot momma! Evvie laughed.

Roberta blushed.

It was later that evening when Evvie knocked on Roberta’s door.

Would you like to go to the club? she asked.

No, Roberta answered, I don’t feel up to all that noise.

I don’t either, Evvie said, I’m just restless.

I know, Roberta said. I’m restless, too.

Then how about a movie? ‘Ole Yellow’ is playing and my buddy at the theatre lets me in free, Evvie suggested.

‘Sarge’ not only let them in free, but he brought them paper cups half full of Cutty Sark. It was the first time Roberta had tasted scotch. She hated it. She thought, This tastes like stump water smells. She didn’t want Evvie to know she had never had scotch before, so she sipped it occasionally, placing the cup on the floor beside her, between sips. Each time he set the cup down she contrived to spill a small amount of the hateful liquid. She didn’t dare empty it all, for she was afraid they’d fill it up again.

She and Evvie both cried throughout the movie.

When the movie was over they dried their eyes and prepared to leave. Sarge wanted them to stay until the theatre closed so the three of them could go out.

Evvie glanced at Roberta and she shook her head, ‘no’.

Sarge didn’t see Roberta and she let Evvie make the excuses for their departure- ‘a test’ she told him.

Roberta thanked Evvie for the movie and went to her room. Evvie lingered in the dayroom talking to some of the girls.

Roberta sprawled across her bed thinking of Robert. She wondered if he had a good marriage. Her Grandmother had a lot of criticism for his wife and didn’t like her, but he didn’t seem to be an unhappy man.

Her thoughts turned to her marriage. She mentally traveled through her nightmares and wondered how she could even plan the things she was planning.

When she’d left home, taken the bus trip alone and cut herself off from everything she thought she wanted to flee from and rushed into G’s arms she had really expected her life to become that of a very loved and cherished housewife. She thought they’d have either three or four children. They’d even picked out names for these children.

She didn’t know that her uterus had never matured in size and was severely tipped. If she did ovulate her eggs never reached their nesting place in the uterus. Every month when she’d had her menstrual period had been a bitter disappointment to her. Now she knew it had been a blessing that she and G had never had children.

It had never occurred to her that he’d be unfaithful, or that she’d do the same out of spite and her insatiable hunger for love.

Roberta had been one of the smarter kids at school, but she was totally ignorant of life outside the smothering cocoon of the home she’d been raised in.

G had taken her to his sergeant’s apartment from the bus station. She would be staying with him, his wife, and their two children in their one-bedroom apartment until they found an apartment and got married.

The apartment had a small living room, bedroom, bath and kitchen. Roberta thought it was beautiful.

The year was 1955. It was summer. She got off the bus wearing a green flower sprigged nylon dress with a billowing skirt over a cloud of ruffled nylon petticoat. Her Mother had made the dress for her. She had several by the same pattern and so did her cousin who was like a sister to her. The skirt of the dress gathered with yards of fabric. It filled her out. She wore a Renee’ brassiere which she had re-sewn the cups into perfect points. Her cousin had let her wear her foam rubber falsies and they filled the cup of the brassiere- the little rubble nipples fitting into the points.