A Walk Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death: Test to an Apostle

By AWESOME

This is about a story of a child who comes from a dysfunctional family. His discipline was so extreme and with no real help, even from the God this kid depended on. So with that being the issue in order for this child to find peace and safety for his own life he took to the streets. This child had no idea that the streets were filled with snakes and rat. He was living as if he was burning his own self at the stake; you guessed it was a self sacrifice if you would call-it.
In this book you will find this child in numerous occasions where you might wish you were there to give him some help. But the whole time this child has recognized a force that was present with him, but yet unseen. Through the chapters of this book you may find some inserts of theological attempts to explain some of the phenomenal events. However it was done with the greatest attempts not to be religiously hypocritical.
The story into this kids life will take you to places and reveal some truths often not spoken of about what goes on behind the wall in juvenile incarceration. The mind of the streets and the betrayal of friends or so called friends. It also sheds light on how being free regardless of the situation can be peaceful to some. Last but not least, youll get to take a novice look at life beyond the vial of what is seen and spoken of by many. All the lies told by the media and other false idea of thing that some only assume and have no real facts or life experience to prove it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: May 30, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483676104

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Copyright © 2015 by AWESOME.

Library of Congress Control Number:      2013913598

ISBN:         Softcover            978-1-4836-7609-8

                  eBook                 978-1-4836-7610-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Rev. date: 05/28/2015

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Contents

Chapter 1 The Road Before The Damascus Experience

Chapter 2 Continuing On The Road

Chapter 3 Three Out Of The Furnace And Into The Fire

Chapter 4 One Man’s Hell Is Another Man’s Heaven

Chapter 5 It Is Still Good To Be Alive Today

Chapter 6 On To The Road To Being Productive

Chapter 7 The Discovery Of A Life I Never Knew

Chapter 8 The Life Of Sin Is An Illusion Of Pleasure

In life we all go through a little something but most of us count it as life. Now this is normal for us all, but when you take a kid who comes from what America would call a good life and believes he doesn’t go through something you’re wrong. I was a military brat as they would call it, but this is only from the outside looking in. Everything is not what it seems like when all you gauge it by is ones economic status. When people do this they tend to be blinded to the possibilities that there is a great dysfunction involved. When I was incarcerated there were guys there that would say I have no business being here. They couldn’t really understand that there are other circumstances other than the common urban struggle. There aren’t any cocaine plants or heroin plants in the urban community, but they are still flooded with drugs. Society is quick to label the urban community evil and unsafe promoting fear to foreigners and even our own people. Which makes it easy to call an all out assault on the urban community? I could never understand why a people could have so much hatred toward a certain race and focus their attention on creating an image of them that even many of them believe themselves. Out of all the troubles of a people many don’t find it strange as to why God has never stepped in on our behalf. For years I had been puzzled about this and I believe in God to the fullest, and it has lead me to a journey in which there is now no return. The one thing that is strange is I had no control over the journey it was a force beyond my control. Everything I went through all the pain the suffering and the trials are all part of Gods grand scheme on having me diligently seeking him. The right way and not the religious way today I understand the bible like no other man I have yet to meet till this day and it is written so plain and simple. I once heard a minister I knew personally once say God is not looking for a secret agent. Today I understand what he meant in fact I think he might have not himself known the full impact of that statement. This is my story of how I chose to take my chances in the streets, than to live in a house that would control and kill my soul. I went through a lot of things that left a lot of counselors wondering how I still could be sane. My life was often unexplainable and I felt like I was on the outside of myself watching and living through what we say is a cold world. With that in mind I hated this world and I often asked God, but never got any immediate answers so I took it upon myself to create a solution to my ills. This was all caused by Gods lack of intervention at a time so crucial, I have trusted God to save me from all the things I was going through and I believe he failed me. Today I see it all as a testing ground to a path that leads to God at the end of the path God taught me to truly understand his word and it is so different from what has been taught worldwide, but it is written all through the bible word for word. I hate to say it but you must wait till God inspires me to write the book, because this is so real that I can now see why the apostles were killed and it was more than just preaching Jesus is Lord. The one thing that is for sure is to whom much is given much is required and God has placed treasures in earthen vessels. At the age of eight, you may and you may not understand my reasoning. So God never gave me any answers and that use to fuel my madness. God and I had plenty of talks as to why, and to be honest it was always a one-sided conversation. I uses to hear all these people talk about God and what he said and done for them. So where was this guy or should I say God. I only did what other kids did that acted out, but most of the time the punishment didn’t fit the crime. My house was so messed up that I grew in a state of paranoia always in my mind worrying on what I might have done to receive a vicious punishment, I ‘am a free spirit and was born like that and if anyone would try or do anything that would take my freedom I learned to run like hell, because God has not done all those miraculous things for me like I uses to hear all the people in the church talk about when my mom use to take me. This God in the beginning sounded like just who I needed to help stop the abuse. So one Sunday I went to the alter to get saved and I really believed that if I go to God all this would stop in one day. In my thoughts it was like I might not be a match for my Dad but this God would be able to out match him. This high and confidence only worked from Sunday to Tuesday and the abuse and paranoia started all over again. So I kept trying every Sunday at least about 4 to 7 times and it was always the same. One Sunday I went up to the alter which was my heart-breaking moment. The preacher was like son you don’t have to keep coming up to the alter every Sunday your already saved. At that time in my mind I must have been like when and how? He really screwed me up with that one, I was told lately that it is said the preacher failed me, he was suppose to ask my mother what is going on that this kid comes up to this alter every week, I guess as long as he gets his tides he could have cared less I think. The funny thing is today he has nothing nice to say about me and he doesn’t even realize I came to him first. This is what often leaves a question in my mind as to who gave him the authority to become a messenger of God. I have noticed by my research that most preachers go to seminars to become ministers and then teach a traditional way in which none of the disciples ever had to do. So God never took control over the situation and now it was left up to me.

After all that I took the next logical step, yea! For those that know I went to the police. The unfortunate fact that the era I lived in, they secretly had no compassion or empathy for a black child. The last time I was picked up for running away I told the police officer the story and showed him evidence, and said I can’t go back it is getting worse. I asked him, do he have anywhere else they could send me he said yes we got a place all you got to do is commit crime. I ‘am not going to ruin some of my story right now because the situation takes time to explain. And if I do it now it would take away from the dramatically content of the episodes. I ‘am AWESOME and as a child I have been there and done that before I was 16, sometime experiences is ones best teacher and many people my age can only judge that which they don’t understand. I have done a lot of criminal things, but I’ am no criminal and I hope you understand how a person who commits crimes isn’t always criminal. This is my first encounter with the realism of racism and its impact in my life. Being brought up on military base housing taught me how to not see colors; in the outside world of civilians the color is so important. Now if there is a possibility of this it only added to my confusion in this world and increased my dissatisfaction for even living. I have seen a lot of things in my past that gives evidence that there is some kind of force of great magnitude in our atmosphere. I have yet to give it any certain name such as religion does and still doing till this day. This book would not be possible had it not been for my latest findings in my search for this force. The deal I made with myself is, if I could prove God to not exist I would give up on life and this world as I know it. Through research my finding turned out to be shocking and inspired me to continue on in this world with a great purpose. Need I not go any further in detail, but one thing for sure if I come out with my findings it could change the face of religion as we know it. It is my plan in the near future to go public with my finds and this is going to be uncut and quite revealing on subjects of religion and what it really is about. So keep an eye out because I know many will enjoy it and be enlightened to new levels of understanding. Many I know will have a problem with what is the real interpretation of scripture and how many are being mislead by a system designed at the hands of some theologians who seek to keep the people blind and deceived. They have been using a religious form of mind control that will weaken society by incorporating a belief that has the power to govern their behavior. Many nations and people have received a lot of drama at the hands of a people that have misinterpreted scripture to fit their own conquest. Now let us move on to the subject at hand which is my story you may find vulgar language in some places which some may say it is cursing and that is not so. Cursing is when you speak of some kind of ill will towards another with the expectation of hoping it comes to pass, remember that.

This is about a story of a child who comes from a dysfunctional family. His discipline was so extreme and with no real help, even from the God this kid depended on. So with that being the issue in order for this child to find peace and safety for his own life he took to the streets. This child had no idea that the streets were filled with snakes and rat. He was living as if he was burning his own self at the stake; you guessed it was a self sacrifice if you would call-it.

In this book you will find this child in numerous occasions where you might wish you were there to give him some help. But the whole time this child has recognized a force that was present with him, but yet unseen. Through the chapters of this book you may find some inserts of theological attempts to explain some of the phenomenal events. However it was done with the greatest attempts not to be religiously hypocritical.

The story into this kid’s life will take you to places and reveal some truths often not spoken of about what goes on behind the wall in juvenile incarceration. The mind of the streets and the betrayal of friends or so called friends. It also sheds light on how being free regardless of the situation can be peaceful to some. Last but not least, you’ll get to take a novice look at life beyond the vial of what is seen and spoken of by many. All the lies told by the media and other false idea of thing that some only assume and have no real facts or life experience to prove it.

As I sit in this prison behind the walls once again, the light in my head finally clicks on. Now I realize that I have been defeated in battle, I know I may lose a few battles but I will not lose the war. During this time I was compelled to write this book to you, knowing this is Gods way of introducing me to the world. While I was in there I would fast and pray to God on a regular basis. My fasting was intense and at times I would go three days without food or water till the point I would almost faint. Plus I spent many hours on my knees till the point that I would have scabs on my knees. Then it began to happen, God begins to reveal himself and his word to me, with many resources I began to study the bible. Story by story, word by word and thought by thought using dictionaries, Greek and Hebrew translation books I also had commentaries and a giant encyclopedia on Christian theology. Each day for at least six hours a day for the last six and a half years I studied scripture and then I begin to understand why God allowed me to go through so much and then I cried tears of joy. God had a plan for me through all this madness and Satan tried his best to stop me, which made so much sense. I owe all my thanks to God, and I find it now a privilege to reveal some of the things God has shown me. I thought for a long-time that there is nothing special about my story, until I spoke to many believers in Christ. It was my belief that God shows things to everybody, but as I come to find out is that my experience with the Lord is unique.

This book is not intended to be religious only because my level of awareness into the spiritual world. I come to understand that many of these so call preachers go to schools and seminary school to be license to speak the word of God. I have not much trust in many of them, because if you have seen some of the things the spirit of God has shown me. You will seek for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and not think you as a believer are saved at the act of just a simple confession and a weekly ritual this concept is not biblical. After you hear my story you will know that you must, seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness.

When the enemy comes in like a flood, God will raise a standard up against him. According to the disciples Satan offered Jesus all the kingdoms of the world. So in this world Satan has rule, now here is a question if Satan has rule over the kingdoms of the world. Do you think he would authorize any organization or group to be license to tear down his kingdom? This is why the apostles remained out of the main frame of church and kept it moving. After the last disciple died, why was there a long period of silence from the spiritual world and in 400 AD? Now religion starts to blossom. Don’t take it from me research it for yourself and see that I’ am right. Roman and Greek theologians took it upon themselves to create a form of religion by manipulating which scriptures can be read in public and which ones are to be kept for initiates on their secret order. Why is it that the Jerusalem bible has books that the King James Bible don’t have? Why is the Catholic bible different from an original king James? Why does the Hebrew bible have books that other versions don’t? This is also true with the Ethiopian bible too; it has books that aren’t recognized by all as scripture. This is all the subjects that I shall explain in my next book, but for now please read and enjoy this story I’m about to tell you.

Chapter 1

The Road Before

The Damascus Experience

When I was a child my Grandma uses to tell all her church members that I’m going to be the second Apostle Paul. My Grandma was a very influential person, when it comes to the things of God. She once was on Good morning America and was nominated Philadelphia’s most influential female evangelist. I never had no idea that the person I’m today was even possible with my track record, and now even in jail I have rest, thank you Jesus!!, Some people who keep the name Jesus on their tongues and can still bust hell wide open, beware, salvation did not start with a church made with hand.

So Grandma believes I will be an apostle, and I looked it up. Apostle is said to be a specially commissioned messenger of the Lord Jesus Christ. Apostles are granted by God a special status and powers and delegated stratospheric principalities over which they rule. Apostles serve as Christ’s stratospheric warriors and servants in the earth. Sounds deep don’t it and I wonder how this fits me an apostle more or less a second. A stratospheric warrior, stratosphere has to do with the immediate space above the earth and just beneath its higher heavens. Originally it meant the sphere and abodes of the invisible terrestrial hosts guarding and governing the earth. That is far beyond my belief that I would be able to fill the title of apostle. Let’s move on to see if I can even qualify as a runner-up.

I will begin by saying; I’m a military brat as the world would call it. My first understanding of my father was given to me by my mother and not experience. As a military man he was hardly home. The first interpretation was he is a man of fierce countenance that was to be feared, I never heard love nor was love ever spoken of in our house. Let’s look at fear for a moment. Fear is various degrees of anxious dread or terror, generally experienced in the face of danger or the suspicion thereof. In the most basic sense, fear arises from threats posed by human gentry. So it is obvious as a child of God I was living in a condition contrary to my intended purpose. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but power, love and a sound mind.

As a child one thing I can say is my mom kept me in church programs early. I loved to sing in the church and at times. I could remember singing church songs while riding my bike and with my imagination when-ever I would sing one of my favorite songs while riding. I would have a super power to ride even faster than normal, at least as my mind had me to think. When I think about those days it brought and still brings a smile to my face. Many of you will read this book and know what I’m talking about, you know some of the wacky things we have done when we think no one is watching and it’s cool! As long as it was harmless and made us feel good at that time, this is all that really mattered.

So being in a house captivated by fear, everyday was an act. I could never be free in the house to be myself, this was forbidden. Everything was yes sir, no sir, yes mam, no mam, with no contest or dispute allowed. I believe that out of all that going to church, Jesus had already saved me in the process. Any chance I had to be myself I was taking it. My sister wasn’t going for it and every chance she got to turn me in, she did. I found her to be so cruel and lacked the compassion to be a loving sister. I use to have to beg her not to tell every little thing, because all it took was a little fuel to set my father’s flames a blaze. She uses to do little things like hide notes to make me think she didn’t tell. I would be up all night trying to find the notes, some nights I was successful, and some night I would miss the mark. One night I found a note on the mirror in my parent’s bathroom, boy was she determined. I realize that she was leaving notes when I use to get a beating when my parents got home at night.

After a while of doing this she would use this as a form of blackmail, to get me to wash the dishes for her on her turn or some other chore. Now I was learning that I wasn’t safe even when dad wasn’t even home. Now I know why there is a saying daddy’s little girl. I never understood the motives she had in acting like this, all I know is it played a strong part in my acting out in school. I became a real problem in school too, and I learned to conceal my schemes.

In kindergarten the teacher called home and told my parent that each time at recess I would always get the same toy. I still remember that toy it was the biggest wooden truck in the toy box. I use to love to run while leaning on it and it was just so cool! She not only told on the truck, but she would also reveal the fact that I was always first in line. I believe the teacher thought I was bullying the kids. I never bullied none of the kids there, I just paid attention to the clock and knew when thing like recess was called. I just was quick on my feet and when it was time to move I was on it. If we had to line up, I would throw something in the trash by the door or sharpen a pencil. So when she called no one ask me what happened, or why was what the teacher told them, what was going on. I just got a beating as if I really did something wrong I had no voice in the matter after the beating I knew my favorite truck was forbidden and I can’t always be first in line. Beatings like that only left me confused and to believe that teachers are bad. When I look back at these incidents, I see that I only did things that normal kids have done. The only difference is whenever I did something unacceptable it went with a beating, no reason why I shouldn’t, only if I do wrong in dads eye there is pain. Most of the wrong I did was nothing really major in the beginning.

My first lesson is there is always one kid in every crowd that wants a reward for being good. In other words, there is always someone who is going to tell if they know. How unfortunate the way I learned it, one day in class in first grade I push the intercom button as a joke. Sure enough someone snitched, and you know the teacher called home. This is one of the times I believed that the beating was justified. That’s right no explanation needed. I was wrong; I did not need anyone to explain that to me. To me I believe that living in a house that is so tight, when I get away from home it gets to be a thrill just to get loose for a moment or two.

I was compelled every time I wasn’t at home and away from my siblings, who would tell any chance they get. An obsession to do anything I couldn’t get away with at home drove me to act out. It is like a dog that has been chained up in the yard for months on in. The moment that dog gets loose he is off to the races and it is hard to get him back.

Now just think about this for a moment, and I don’t want to sound delusional, nor do I think I’m the Apostle Paul reincarnated. But I was also raised in Rome too! Rome New York that is. By the time we get through a multitude of events and get to the root you will know why this book is called what it’s called. So with no more delay shall we carry-on.

I was in Rome NY for about 8 years and it seem like almost yesterday since I left, only because my memory is so clear when it comes to my life. It is as if my brain is part of a windows program from Microsoft. Plus as I told you my life appear to be lived like I’m on the outside of myself somewhere just looking down upon me.

Well you heard most of the kindergarten and first grade stories. Now when I was in second grade, I don’t still to today know why I do so much dumb stuff, then again I do, but I don’t want to blow the story before the book is finished. So in second grade I put a tack in the teacher’s seat, the teacher came in and he popped-up like a piece of toast in a toaster. One of the kids in class could not resist being the hero and told. I forget at the end of the year that the kids got an Oscar or a Grammy, only joking! I got a beating for that I knew I was wrong, so that beating I know I could accept.

My childhood was like one big football game. Whenever there was an opening I went right through. Almost like in the series The Wild Wild West, with James West and Artimis Gordon. James West could pull almost anything off and that always inspired me.

We lived in a trailer park once in New York, and boy I can remember I cut a damn fool. We use to all have to catch a bus to school at one place in the trailer park. This was by the mail boxes for all the trailers. Times were really different back then in the late 60s early 70s. No one really had locks on their mail boxes they had doors on them, but behind them looked like a bunch of open shelves. I still don’t know what compelled me to do it, but as most of the kids played games and didn’t pay attention to their lunches, I would get them.

Most kids put their lunches in their house mailbox and as they played, I got paid. Yea! That’s right; I was a Twinkie, Susie Q and bologna sandwich bandit. I don’t believe how well that went, none of those kids either was wise enough to figure out how the food disappeared from their house front door till lunch-time. I did it so regularly that sometimes. I would alternate from hitting the same kids. Of course you know I never told any of my brothers or my sister. Because I learned they would tell everything to dad and I really got tire of the beatings for dumb stuff. My dad use to curse like a drunken sailor in the house with no reserve, but if he heard any of us, bingo! Most of my sister’s telling on me was for saying bad words. The only time we would agree not to tell, was if we all are involved. One day my mom and dad went out somewhere at night and boy did we wild out that night. We got to playing dodge ball in the living room with one of our moms Styrofoam wig holders. You know the one that looks like a person’s head.

Well as we kept playing, we were having a great time. No one was going to tell this time. Suddenly someone threw the wig holder and it broke the nose off. The fun stopped immediately, now we are in trouble! We had to think of a plan, so Antonio my oldest brother said lets glue the nose back on. Antonio use to build model cars so he had model glue. Antonio goes and gets the glue and puts it on the back of the nose and sticks it on. We put it back in the place we found it and an hour later we checked on it. Boy was we in trouble now! The acetone ate through the Styrofoam and left a big hole where the nose uses to be. We all got a beating that night; I guess mom must have worn the wig for that head that night.

I love to tell the part of my life growing-up at home when it’s not all about me. It seems like the only time no one would tell was if you concealed the matter or we all had a part in it. I use to get suckered a lot into that one though, I use to think I could get something started and when I did, someone would kill the moment and say, I’m going to tell dad my sister and brother use to love to hear me beg. Because they knew they could control whether I got a beating or not. It’s sad but true they used my dad like a doomsday devise. In which most of the time I remained on the course of his wrath.

Back to the lunches in the mail box, that was a sweet deal for months on in, and then we moved to a place called Woodhaven. It was base housing and the front and back yard was nice. It also had a big park in it and I had a place to hide-out by myself without my sister and brothers. Then as I look back at how they were, that remind me of the Sadducees and the Pharisee. They was always on Jesus back, oh they picked corn on the Sabbath. Hey did the people just eat without washing their hands around Jesus. I know Jesus didn’t say what we think he said. Well this park was like my mount Olivet where I can go to be alone.

One thing I can say is that the place was nice though. It also had a chapel and a Sunday school program. Our mom use to send us there almost every Sunday. They had a choir I was never on it, but they use to give us the music list so we in the Pew could sing along. I loved to sing those songs. This is where I was when I told you earlier about how singing church songs made me feel like I could ride my bike faster. The church there was multiracial so the church was not hooked on the traditional songs like most denominational churches are today. It was just Jesus and the bible. There was no service guide on what hour we do this or that, I loved it.

This is one thing I can say is, I believe Jesus early! I knew he was for real, but changed my ways later, as most of us in the Lord do. Eventually it was school time and you already know some of my history with school. The school was huge and it still was on military grounds or most of the kids there was military brats also. I can’t remember a lot of deep details, but as you know I have some episodes that I will never forget. Like this girl named Marjorie that I liked that was so pretty. I use to chase her home every day when she got off the bus after school. I don’t know what I would have done if I caught her. The one thing I do remember was she let me chase her one time and she was making it seem like I almost caught her, until she got to her front door and her mom came out and grabbed me. Marjorie’s mom had me by the collar and took me all the way home and told my mother. My dad was gone on base then, but I knew when he got home I would get it. Sometime he would be gone so long and I would have piles of issues built up on me. I use to be so scared of my dad. With all his drinking and yelling when he was home, I could not sleep when he was home. He was so unpredictable you never knew when he would snap!

I hate to say it but some nights I use to pray that something would happen on his way home, especially the days we knew he was coming home. I would pray for the worst because I had allot of things piled up against me that would take at least a week worth of beatings day for day.

The incident with the girl wasn’t all. I was cutting-up hard a couple of times they had to get my sister to take me to the principle because the teachers were scared to touch me. I believe the teachers didn’t care what I did as long as I didn’t disturb her class. I use to take long trips to the bathroom till a kid from my class would say the teacher wants you back. One time to avoid that happening I took the pass and hid inside my locker in the hallway. You would not believe what I discovered in my locker. I found out that all the way in the back of my locker I could reach into the neighbor’s locker. When I first figured it out I looked for his lunch I found it and ate the twinkles and his bologna sandwiches and they never knew what hit them. Eventually I started going for the empty lockers next to the full lockers and getting the goods out of lockers at random. It was almost like it was with the mail boxes I just had to make sure no one was coming down the hall when I went in them.

Sometimes I question myself what would make me want to do all those things that I was doing. I really wasn’t a bad kid, but I got a thrill out of doing bad things. I have been taken to doctors and mental doctors to see if there is something wrong but when home is a wreck most kids act out. I believe at this time, behavior specialist wasn’t even on that page then. As I look back at a lot of my past life it seem like I lived on a whole different Planet, but this wasn’t it I had always been tempted by Satan who would capitalize on my mind through the ill circumstances I lived in. His plan for me was to create a history in my life that could cancel my future success and any purpose God may have ordained for righteousness.

Of course I also concealed the deal with the lunches in the locker and I never told anyone but you about it because they would be the first to tell.

Now we are nearing closer to the conclusion to a chapter that deals with the early years of my life. I guarantee you that by the time I finish taking you through the roads I traveled you will see why I might be able to hold the title of an Apostle.

So in this chapter we review a couple of episodes of my life which many were not favorable, but the parts I may have found favorable are devious in nature I have no explanation how a kid raise in a military family. Where all of the kids were suppose to be straight and didn’t get into trouble. Had a father who was a little too extreme