It's Your Fault My Life Is Not Working

By Ena Peace

All of my life I have been interested in helping people and animals. I am setting up a healing centre with a difference for people and animals alike where everyone will be welcome. I have taken many courses and attended various seminars to help me with this. I have dealt with tragedies in my own life and they have only made me stronger. I have always turned a negative into a positive. By writing this book I hope to help others to lessen their burdens by having a distinguished mindset, enjoying their lives and consequently making our world a better place for all. I have studied life coaching, nutrition and natural healing people can learn there is a balance and choice to conventional medicines. I hope this book helps people navigate through life successfully. We all have a choice, to make life work for us, or to work for life. I hope you enjoy my book.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Jun 5, 2015
• ISBN: 9781504938648

Ena Peace

Ena Peace is a first time author, who, in August 2008, started to write a short self-help book for her boyfriend, which was easy to read, with advice she had been given and things she had learnt in her life. There was only going to be one copy for her boyfriend, but having started the book, she realized it was generic and could help others. Her ex-husband had always said she should write about her mom’s mental health problems one day too. She has endeavored to have humor in her book. It helped her to write things down.   The author lives on her smallholding in England with her family.

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© 2015 Ena Peace. All rights reserved.

Interior Illustrations by: Susan Stone

Email address: http://susanstoneportfolio.webnode.com/

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/05/2015

ISBN: 978-1-5049-3864-8 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Introduction

Acknowledgements

Preface

Part One

The goldfish bowlt

Selling fish

Excess baggage

Labels

A Rucksack

Being a victim

Poor me / only one in the universe syndrome

Violin concerto’s/ Woe is me

Cotton wool society

Whipping post and dog poo

Where did my life go?

Excuses = Fear

Being a lemon, blamers and the blamed

Burying our heads in the sand or The La La La syndrome

Denial or avoiding the obvious

From peace in our heads to peace in our world

Balance the key to fulfilment

The best computer in the world

Peaks and troughs, magic and being grateful

The winner’s trophy

Love

Part Two

My life—A birds eye view

Part Three

An action plan to create the life you desire

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to Allan a true friend

INTRODUCTION

This book is about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. I hope you buy this book so I can make lots of money.

‘For things to change for you, you must change’

John Earl Shoaff

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I would like to thank all my lovely family and friends who have always been there for me, and to anyone else whose ear I have bent during my life.

PREFACE

In August 2008 I decided to write a short self help book that was easy to read with advice I had been given and things I had learnt in my life. There was only going to be one copy for my boyfriend. Having started the book I realised it was generic and could help others too. I have been lucky to have loving family and friends so I have written this book for people less fortunate. My ex-husband had always said I should write about my Mums mental health problems one day also.

When I had completed my original book which is part one, a friend said I needed to write about my life to show what experience I had to give advice and to do an action plan to help people move forward with their lives. I therefore added two more parts. Part two is some of my life experiences and people who have inspired me, names have been changed to protect the innocent. Part three is an action plan to help people achieve the life they desire. I have endeavoured to have humour in my book it helped me to write things down.

PART ONE

The goldfish bowlt

We are all born to unequal circumstance. In addition to being human the only thing we have in common is 24 hours every day.

We take our first breath on our own and our last. Some say we are born by chance, others say we choose who we are born to be and our circumstances to learn and that life is a journey. Some say life is a test, others an education. Nobody knows for sure. We are like goldfish some of us are born in a restrictive, polluted goldfish bowl. Others are born into a massive goldfish pond where all our needs are met including a net to stop the herons eating us.

There are two things certain in life we are born and we die. What we do with our lives in between, our attitudes towards ourselves and other people and our planet is up to us. At the simplest level it is LIVE or DIE. We are here and alive so better to embrace life and to really LIVE.

As children depending on our environment we are exposed to various types of experiences. Life is about survival so we quickly learn it is sink or swim.

In an ideal world we would be interdependent so we have our own space to develop and expand with the unselfish support of family and friends.

If our goldfish bowl is very small we are unable to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually, we can become shut down.

If we see the same face(s) at the goldfish bowl we learn and are influenced by the belief systems, values, limitations and opinions of that small environment.

If we are in a large pond protected and safe from harm we are able to expand and get a wide variety of experience and different viewpoints with freedom and support.

If we look at our hand up close to our face that is all we see. When we move our hand away we see a bigger picture and a BIG WORLD.

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Selling fish

For whatever reasons our parent(s), or whoever has that role, teach us their values and their beliefs. These are the things passed to them as children or it is the perspective they have put on their experiences from childhood.

Some of us believe our parent(s) or equivalents are God. Some parent(s) or equivalent act as if they are God and know everything. Others reason perhaps he/she or I do not know it all, and that people just do what they know and believe at the time

Some parents can be selfish. Some children can be selfish.

Depending whose side people are on some are only on their own side. Some people can have a blinkered view of life they do not think or care how others feel or about others needs as perhaps they are too busy thinking about themselves.

Perhaps we could STOP SELLING FISH.

It is natural to want peoples approval especially families. When it comes down to it the only one to look after you is YOU. YOU are your best asset.

Some of us have every fear known to man instilled in us, others are left to run wild and for others there is balance.

What we learn from childhood affects us for life. Whether we have good or bad experiences, it is how we choose to look at the experience that decides how long we carry our excess baggage for . . . .

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Excess baggage

Just as we pay heavily at an airport for excess baggage. Some of us carry bad experiences around with us 24 - 7 year in year out.

We take trips for other people with our excess baggage this is called guilt trips with the guilt trips comes duty particularly in some families or peer groups.

Unlike duty free at an airport which is the pleasurable kind, this sort of duty makes you feel bad if you do it and bad if you don’t. Duty free is the best choice for you and others in the wider scheme of things. Learn to say no and do things out of Love and if you want to.

With the excess baggage charge comes extra labels to the experiences we have labelled good or bad and to how we feel. We can feel overburdened and overwhelmed and make things bigger than they are and too complicated.

Instead of removing the hand from our face, standing back and looking at the flipside of the labels from all the places we have collected our baggage from, we keep the labels attaching them to new experiences and people too.

When our excess baggage becomes too heavy we can feel overwhelmed—it is OUR CHOICE to reduce our baggage to hand luggage so we can travel lighter or to stay as we are.

Labels

How we view the labels we have from our travels depends how we view and live our lives. To some life is a game, an adventure, a great party. To others life is seen as a sick joke, a disaster or chance.

On the other side of our labels, if we notice, is the opposite of excess baggage. If we turn our labels around our lives could turn around. Attitude changes everything.

A Rucksack

In order to travel light and enjoy life to the fullest we must learn not to pack so much for our journey to start with. Some of us learn quickly we can fit what we need in a rucksack. We just carry essential items such as an open mind and a sense of humour to view each situation as new and a learning opportunity.

Others still have a monkey on their back hiding in their rucksack. This monkey can be what someone else asked them to carry or that the person themselves’ did not want to let go of their own monkey as they were attached to the comfortable feeling it gave them . . . .

Being a victim

When we are victims we get attention from people sympathising with us—poor you.

However if we do not have responsibility for ourselves and actions, poor me only serves us temporarily.

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Poor me / only one in the universe syndrome

Being a poor me can get you a lot of company with other poor me’s and apologists.

It can become a mutual appreciation society and people can outdo each other on who is having the worst time.

Some poor me-s do not let others’ get the better of them. They are the over achievers of the victim mentality and develop the syndrome known as I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE UNIVERSE SYNDROME.

These people think they are the only ones in a rush and if it rains it only does so over their head, they complain and make demands wherever they go. Being a poor me and selling fish limits us just to see our own backyard and to forget that others have things worse. If we were not so wrapped up in cotton wool and our own needs, we could help others and reduce the time we spent worrying about me, me and ME.

Violin concerto’s/ Woe is me

To some extent we all play the violin for ourselves and hold our hand to our forehead at times saying woe is me. Without having any proper musical talent some people get to a very high level of violin playing. Misery loves company and we can get a fantastic violin concerto going depending on the company we keep. Some people prefer to go it alone with the violin as they do not want anyone sharing their attention seeking limelight. When other people get bored from listening to a solo violinist and start enjoying their life, moving away from the solo violinist, this person then progresses to the cello or double bass. The cello playing gets the focus back on them especially if played to the people they are close to and in the right notes. Whilst being good at playing real life string instruments is an asset, playing long term imaginary ones are a sign to get a life, let others have a life and to sell your shares in the cotton wool factory . . . .

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Cotton wool society

If we are never given space to experience life outside the goldfish bowl or pond, our every move being monitored, criticised or followed with be careful we can develop others’ insecurities.

Living in Red Tape City where the rules are the rules, being wrapped up in cotton wool and given plastic scissors in case we cut ourselves and hazard tape wrapped around us JUST IN CASE does not help us in the REAL WORLD.

Other peoples’ fears that they will be left out, left behind or that they are not enough could be the reason for them telling us to be careful.

We can all learn to be responsible to think and function for ourselves, learning from our experiences. We learn by making mistakes, overcoming problems dealing with life’s challenges as they arise and facing our fears. Life is an education. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. We can choose to be bitter or better people from our experiences of life.

Whipping post and dog poo

Sometimes we can blame other people or circumstances for our own inadequacies. It is often said that the faults we see in others can be in ourselves too. Blaming others only adds to our feeling of being inadequate and we do not get anything out of treating others badly or using them as a whipping post.

We can prevent ourselves enjoying our own lives and those of the people we love by analysing too much, discussing who said what and why someone has done this.

Analysis can be paralysis, if your dog or cat goes to the toilet in your back garden it is wise to pick it up at the time and is easier to deal with than if we leave it to stack up. Sometimes people stack their problems up, ignoring them rather than dealing with them at the time. Sometimes people analyse their dog or cats poo as if they have never seen it before and then they go on to check out what next doors pet has done. Many have group discussions about it, this is called gossip. After a while it is boring.

It is best to live your own life and not worry about what everyone else is worrying about.

Too much time for analysis means you should get a life, enjoy life and do not be too anal.

Where did my life go?

As a society we are taught in general to get on the hamster wheel of the more we earn the more we spend, we learn to value treasures such as material possessions. Advertisers encourage us to want what we don’t need, and fear rules us.

We are too busy on the hamster wheel of fear and working hard to pay bills, to realise we have options and choices and that we can design a life.

We fear change and life becomes a chore and not a joy. We resign ourselves to the hamster wheel, looking forward to our four weeks holiday a year or when we retire and then can enjoy our lives.

In thinking of tomorrow we must remember to enjoy today. The future never arrives, the past has gone, there is only NOW. We only have this life so why be scared and let the fear of anything stop us from enjoying life.

If we do not face fear-we settle for being in the apologist group’ making excuses why we cannot make money, have a fulfilling relationship, or generally do what we want to do. We forget that joy and happiness is the other side to pain and fear. We use the excuse that life is going too fast, when in fact WE are going too fast and never stop to smell the roses or realise the life we want. We arrive in our coffin with—I meant to, or if only or I will leave that for tomorrow . . . .

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Excuses = Fear

Our fears can be based on past experiences as far back as childhood; they can be rational and irrational.

The more we are scared of facing our fears, and so make excuses to avoid them, the worse they become in our heads and we blow things out of all proportion.

Fear is telling us to be prepared. While it is wise to be cautious about something and to look before we leap, if we spend too long looking before we leap we can jump the hedge last and get left behind.

Worry is a negative emotion, most of our worries and fears never happen. The fear of something in the majority of cases is worse than doing that which we are scared of. If our greatest fears do occur we can use our resourcefulness and initiative. We find the strength to deal with them at the time.

In facing our fears and pushing through fear we grow stronger and develop new skills, enabling us to enjoy our lives to the fullest. We can choose to see things as a problem and the down side of things, or what is good about a bad situation and what we can learn. A problem is a solution in disguise. There is no problem that cannot be solved.

Bad times help us to appreciate the good. The unknown can be viewed with anticipation and excitement instead of fear.

Once we face our problems and find solutions by taking positive action we get momentum and will not feel so fearful. When we do not face our fears we exist and do not really live.

The worse thing in life is not that we die it is that we never really live. If we allow ourselves to be paralysed by fear and to be a lemon all our lives we never experience the juice of life. We end up dying at 25 and being buried at 75. Our comfort zone becomes our uncomfortable zone.

Life is too short for unnecessary what ifs—there can be enough real obstacles in life without creating imaginary ones.

We can choose to develop a distinguished mindset to appreciate what we have got when we have it. We must make the best of what we have. We have a choice to get busy living or get busy whining.

It is our choice to be less talk and more do.

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Being a lemon, blamers and the blamed

Society and our parents can teach us and want us to be a lemon and not to take control of our own lives or get any juice out of life. Modern farming methods perhaps are to blame, giving us in the U.K lemons sometimes as big as 6ft tall which just sit there playing a violin all day. If you are a 6ft violin playing lemon and are not going to enter Britain’s got talent perhaps replace moaning about why you can’t have or do something with moving forward and thinking how you can. How you can turn things around. People are encouraged to act their shoe size and not their age. They can get away with not taking responsibility or accountability for their own thoughts, words, deeds and actions. They blame others for their own inadequacies and say if this hadn’t have happened or if he or she had done this, or had not done that.

Equally people who take the blame and/or responsibility for others feelings do not help the blamers by letting them dictate to them and/or pussyfooting around them, everyone ends up miserable.

By taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings and life we are indulging their insanity. We become mentally unhealthy ourselves. If someone keeps blaming you for why their life is not working, perhaps suggest they talk to a mirror so they can see face to face the one who has the power to take some positive action and make their life work for them.

Perhaps we could replace woe is me or why me with why not me and focus on what we have and not what we lack.

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Burying our heads in the sand or The La La La syndrome

If we have debts or problems or issues we must face them, not avoid or deny them and we must work out a plan to clear our debts. There are lots of organisations to help us if we help ourselves. If we ignore our problems we do not solve them and worry is a negative emotion, instead of worrying make a decision to take positive action to do something about the things that are on your mind.

Burying your head in the sand or refusing to hear the truth solves nothing.

At our lowest point in our lives we learn the most. You are your best asset so use your resourcefulness and never quit on something that you are scared of. Sometimes when something bad happens it can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

We could see the good in all situations and appreciate what we have got. Some of the most successful people have lost everything and rebuilt.

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Denial or avoiding the obvious

Said with a particular accent denial could be mistaken for a long river in Egypt.

However unlike The Nile which gets things moving, especially if you drink from it, denial keeps you in the same situation for as long as you deny its existence you run the same pattern doing the same things.

Denial is the reason there are health and safety signs around fires as some people keep putting their hand in the fire, doing the same thing and getting burned.

No Ph D in psychology is needed to recognize someone in denial. It is when you know someone has been avoiding an issue for a long time and they say it is not that bad, clearly any onlooker can see it is.

Just as when you stop drinking from the Nile you can improve your inner life, when you stop denying things and admit there is a problem you can improve your outer life.

From peace in our heads to peace in our world

Humans have battles within them as well as outside them. Do you constantly play catch up and spend time fire-fighting and appeasing people especially the ones who shout loudest? Are you like a cow’s tail always behind?

If you have an unorganised life on the outside and your home, office or bedroom looks as if NATO has redirected its arms at you, if your outside life is cluttered it is likely your head is cluttered too. Everything seems to be a demand and an added pressure, the positive things and people get left as you struggle to stay on top of things.

Do you promise people things then forget or not fulfil what you have promised them? Do you have frequent arguments in all areas of life? Do you get headaches and feel rundown?

If you feel like your head is going to explode and as if you have the Battle of Hastings going on in your head, if you feel overwhelmed and overburdened, it is time to take a deep breath and step back and take time for YOU.

If you want to stop the peoples of the world battling each other you first need to issue a ceasefire on the conflict and chaos in your head.

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Balance the key to fulfilment

The key to life is balance the absence of balance is life’s destruction.

To have balance in our lives we need to have an awareness of where we are at this moment emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.

Our basic body functions must be in balance at a cellular level to function for perfect health this is called homeostasis.

Everything in the universe is a component, we are all interconnected.

We are all important, sometimes we must step back from a situation, come out of the rat race and be in silence on our own, to assess if we are in balance.

In silence we can listen to our heart and our intuition to see what if anything is missing from our lives. When we realise what is missing it will not be missing anymore.

We live in a world of extremes, from battles within us to battles outside us. We can ignore things with work, work and work or through any other addiction, thinking an issue will go away when sometimes we just need to relax. If we are gentle with ourselves we can then see things clearly, if we are working too much we can balance work with the need to rest and play more and be in silence more. If we are on Facebook too much we can balance this with work especially when we are at work. If we have a career on benefits for too long perhaps we could decide on a career which involved working for the Government instead.

We must learn to communicate with ourselves first to find out why we are not fulfilled, and then we can communicate openly with others.

Just as some people wake up on their own in the morning other people need 20 alarm clocks and a wet flannel in their face to get up and still go back to sleep, we all have different levels of awareness. Many people live their lives in denial and ignoring things.

We must learn to use the resources we have and the best computer in the world-our brain.

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The best computer in the world

Life is all about mental management, if we think we can or cannot