Painful Friends

By Pwaveno H. Bamaiyi

Life is like the electrocardiogram with wavelike spikes and dips that indicate a functional heart and a living person. If it shows a flat line, the person is dead. Like the electrocardiogram, our lives are filled with ups and downs. At the peak, were living optimally. And while a flat line doesnt mean were dead, were not making the most of whats available to us.

In his book Painful Friends, the author, Pwaveno Veno H. Bamaiyi, writes about the ups and downs in life that if handled properly, would make us better people. The phrase painful friends describes the difficult events, situations, circumstances, hardships, temptations, persecution, and especially trials that God allows us to pass through on our life journeys so we are better prepared to fulfill our divine destiny. Most of the inspirational stories of dealing with these special friends are real-life events and told the way they happened.

As Painful Friends shows, adverse challenges and circumstances can be very painful and destabilizing. But they can also be a beauty to behold. At the end of the day, we can come to realize the pains we passed through were actually the friends that brought us to the place of greatness in life, allowing us to be the best we can be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Partridge Publishing Singapore
• Release date: May 31, 2016
• ISBN: 9781482854718

Pwaveno H. Bamaiyi

Pwaveno H. Bamaiyi, a.k.a. Veno, holds a PhD in public health from the Universiti Putra Malaysia. He is a prolific scientific author in many local and international journals. He is also a gifted and successful minister of the gospel with vast experience in church planting and leadership for many years.

Book preview

Preface

Friends! Everybody needs a friend and everybody wants a true friend. Friends have a way of adding spice to our lives and beautifying it; especially when they are good friends. They make the world a place worth staying and living in. Friends are usually invited or allowed to come into our lives and certain circumstances make us to have friends. You must accept a person before he can be your friend; there is no force in friendship, it is by mutual consent. They are usually pleasant and fun to be with. They share our pains and if they can, they remove them. But there are these friends who come into our lives whether they are invited or not; whether accepted or not and instead of being pleasant, they inflict a lot of pain on us and sometimes leave their scars for generations. These friends, though causing us pain, at the end of the day, do us more good than we can imagine; and bring out the real person in us, showing us what stuff we are made of. In other words, these painful friends make us better people! Moreover we know that to those who love God, who are called according to his plan, everything that happens fits into a pattern for good. God, in his foreknowledge, chose them to bear the family likeness of his Son, that he might be the eldest of a family of many brothers. He chose them long ago; when the time came he called them, he made them righteous in his sight, and then lifted them to the splendour of life as his own sons. Romans 8:28-30 (Phillips). These painful friends are the tests, trials, and persecutions that come our way in this life, working out the plan and purpose of Jehovah in our lives. May we learn to embrace these painful friends in the light of time and eternity and in accordance with His word knowing that they will bring forth the best in us, just like the orange that brings forth its tasty juice when it is squeezed!

Many years ago as a Masters student at the Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, Nigeria I got inspired when we studied about Painful friends in one of our Bible studies in the Postgraduate Christian Fellowship of the Chapel of Redemption, Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria, Nigeria. The amazing thought that some events in my life may be painful but yet worth it, was an inspiration and blessing to me. As the years went by, I have come across many more of these painful friends in life and I feel inspired to write so that the Holy Spirit can inspire those experiencing painful friends to move forward in life and fulfill their divine destinies. As you read this book, I pray that you will experience the blessing of overcoming painful friends and successfully fulfill God’s purpose for your life.

Introduction

The metaphorical phrase painful friends (gotten from James 1:2-8 in Phillips version) describes the difficult events, situations, circumstances, hardships, temptations, persecution and especially trials that God allows us to pass through in this journey of life so we can be better prepared to fulfill our divine destiny. Some people call these painful friends by different names such as: quarry experience; valleys of life; challenges of life; under the Juniper tree and a host of other names or phrases. The children of Israel fought against the Arameans (Syrians) on the mountains and God delivered 32 kings and the host of the Arameans and allies into their hands (1Kings 20:1-34). But after this, the Arameans and allied forces thought God was a God of the hills only and so they decided to fight Israel the following year in the valley. King Ben-Hadad’s officers said to him, ‘The gods of Israel are mountain gods. We fought in a mountain area, so the Israelites won. If we fight them on level ground, we will win’1Kings 20:23 (ERV). This was like an insult to God to think that He was only God on the Mountains and not God in the Valleys or plains! God had to, sort of, redeem his image as perceived by the Arameans even though the then king of Israel, Ahab, was an ungodly man. Then came the word of the LORD through a Prophet: And there came a man of God, and spake unto the king of Israel, and said, Thus saith the LORD, Because the Syrians have said, The LORD is God of the hills, but he is not God of the valleys, therefore will I deliver all this great multitude into thine hand, and ye shall know that I am the LORD 1Kings 20:28 (KJV). The Arameans were defeated in the valley also because they thought God is only a God of the mountain; but He proved Himself that He is still Jehovah Sabaoth (LORD of hosts) even in the valley. A man of God came to the king of Israel with this message: The Lord said, ‘The people of Aram said that I, the Lord, am a god of the mountains and not a god of the valleys. So I will let you defeat this great army. Then all of you will know that I am the Lord, wherever you are!’ The armies were camped across from each other for seven days. On the seventh day the battle began. The Israelites killed 100,000 Aramean soldiers in one day. The survivors ran away to the city of Aphek. The wall of the city fell on 27,000 of those soldiers. Ben-Hadad also ran away to the city and hid in a room 1Kings 20:28-30 (ERV). Sometimes when believers in Christ are on the mountains of life they can shout Hallelujah but when they are in the valleys of life, they are not sure whether God is still God in the valley! But the God on the mountain is still God in the valley; God is God of all times! A song I love so much goes as follows:

For the God on the mountain is the God in the valley.

When things go wrong, He’ll make them right.

And the God of the good times

is still God in the bad times.

The God of the day, is still God in the night.

The God of the day, is still God in the night-Lynda Randle²

Divine destiny is what God created us to be and to do. The journey of life is from B(Birth) to D(Death) but in between B and D is something very important which is C(Choice). What we choose to do when trials come our way will determine the ultimate outcome! That is why the same trial that made others successful in life made others failures in life. Years ago, we were living in a condominium unit on the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. One fateful morning, a lady jumped from a high floor of the condominium to her death frustrated by the issues of life. In many parts of the world suicides are common ways people terminate their lives hoping it brings an end to the troubles of life. But they were tragically mistaken because man is an eternal being! Death is the beginning of an endless life for every human and anyone who destroyed life including his or her own is accountable to God. We have had cases of even Pastors all over the world committing suicide because of the pressures and troubles of life. But this ought not to be so as challenges of life should make us better people and not destroy us! Why not face the challenges of life and overcome instead of throwing in the towel? We are serving a God who controls the Mountains and Valleys of life and who is more than able to keep us and preserve us, no matter the storms of life. Eagles use the storm to soar high up in the sky. We are eagles and should use the storms of life to lift us higher up to the Mountaintop of our destinies. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint Isaiah 40:31 (KJV).

In most parts of this book when the word trials is used alone it also connotes tests and persecution inclusive. The stories contained in this book with names of people written in italics were for illustrative purposes and the names are not intended to refer to any person living or dead. Where, real life stories are used, the names, locations and other details in a few cases have been altered to protect the identities of the people involved. In some cases, stories have been written without details such as names and specific locations to also protect the identities of the people involved. However, most stories were real life events that happened and were written, the way they happened. Such stories and testimonies, the author was a witness, part of the event or they came from reliable sources. For all my personal life experiences and testimonies they are written just the way they happened! They are true stories and real life events.

As an intentional disrespect for satan, and a celebration of our authority and victory over him, even at the risk of grammatical error in this book, his name is spelled beginning with a small s.

The first chapter gives the meaning of whom or what these painful friends are in our lives so the reader is not left in doubt of what the author is writing about. As in most parts of this book, it begins with a story that clarifies what events in our lives can be considered painful friends. The second chapter describes the various forms and manifestations of painful friends in our lives. In whatever form they come, there is something common to them all and that is, they are painful or unpleasant experiences which we will ordinarily never wish to happen but surprisingly, they are good for us. The third Chapter sets out to explain the specific missions these painful friends achieve which ultimately lead us to the fulfillment of our great divine destinies in life. If Joseph had not endured all the pains in his life, he would not have become the Prime Minister of Egypt! The fourth chapter tells us what our attitude should be when we are passing through difficult times in our lives because our attitude determines the outcome of these painful friends of life. In the fifth Chapter, you will see what will give you the strength to thrive in the midst of these painful friends of life victoriously. Lest many confuse self-inflicted suffering and wrong choices we make in life with these painful friends, chapter six attempts to clarify this by pointing out the differences and explaining that many times believers put themselves in some situations they find themselves in and not necessarily because God intended it as a trial of their faith; but if they trust themselves into God’s hands He can still turn it around for their good. Everybody wants, after suffering, to be rewarded at the end of the day; chapter seven tells the reader about the different rewards that await the overcomers in this life and the hereafter. Chapter eight is a true life testimony of how a sister came back from the valley of the shadow of dead miraculously to continue the fulfillment of her divine destiny showing us that painful friends can bring a lot of praise and glory to God and help the fulfillment of our divine destiny in life. Chapter nine narrates a few of the remarkable events in my early days of Campus Ministry that were some of the defining moments of my life. It shows how God guides us and gives us victory as we trust in Him. Chapter ten is my personal experience of what happened years ago when we were to have a great gospel campaign and how satan tried hard to stop or influence it negatively but failed. The painful experience that turned to a joyous experience had helped me to see more of how great God was and is in all situations and circumstances, working out His purpose in us and through us. Chapter eleven is my encounter with the Kelantan yellow flood miracle. The flood was massive and confirmed by the National Security Council (NSC) of Malaysia to be the worst ever in the history of Kelantan state of Malaysia but God delivered us and taught us great lessons about His Love and care for us in the midst of adversity. Chapter Twelve is an admonition to all believers that as we are living in a dying world full of evil and wickedness, we must never allow ourselves to be influenced negatively. Light must always overcome darkness. The world and the lusts thereof will test our faith and even try to snuff out the life of God in us, but we must continue to be alive in a dying world by overcoming every trial, test and temptation that comes our way to the praise and glory of God. Chapter thirteen is a little bit of the story of my life and family summarizing a few encounters that were difficult but God gave us victory. The book ends with a powerful last chapter (chapter fourteen) that tells us weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. There is always a morning of joy for those who put their trust in the Lord and somebody’s morning of joy is beginning with this book!

Chapter One

Who are these painful friends?

"When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance. But let the process go on until that endurance is fully developed, and you will find you have become men of mature character with the right sort of independence. And if, in the process, any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God—who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty—and he may be quite sure that the necessary wisdom will be given him. But he must ask in sincere faith without secret doubts as to whether he really wants God’s help or not. The man who trusts God, but with inward reservations, is like a wave of the sea, carried forward by the wind one moment and driven back the next. That sort of man cannot hope to receive anything from God, and the life of a man of divided loyalty will reveal instability at every turn". James 1:2-8 (Phillips) {Bolded emphasis is mine}.

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it Hebrews 12:11(NIV).

Kate had a childhood friend called Lola, they hail from different parts of Nigeria: Kate from Umuahia in Abia State and Lola from Abeokuta, Ogun state. But both of them were born and brought up in Kaduna, Nigeria. As age mates, they have been together since they were babies, more so since their parents were next door neighbours. As they were growing up, they had cause to fight and quarrel several times as is common with little children right from their kindergarten days through their primary school days. Indeed there were times they threaten not to be friends again or talk to each other but failed to carry out their threats.

They later ended up in the same secondary school and in the same class again like they were in primary school. They continued as the best of friends they had always been and both ended up in the sciences. Kate was exceptionally good in all her subjects and especially Mathematics while Lola was an average student in all her subjects and very poor in Mathematics. Always being gingered to make it by her friend Kate, Lola was more interested in sports and was good at it. She had to spend time with Kate who taught her Mathematics again and again to be able to scale through right from their junior secondary school days to senior secondary school. Kate also coached Lola in other science subjects, hoping that with time Lola would rise above being an average student.

Three months to their senior secondary school certificate examinations (SSCE), amidst serious preparations they had a serious quarrel and fight that seemed to have parted them for good. Kate decided to go her way and so did Lola. Every attempt to reconcile them failed as Kate was especially adamant towards any attempt or effort at reconciliation. It was a most traumatic period, especially for Lola who literally depended on Kate to excel academically. How would she cope with her science subject especially the dreaded Mathematics without Kate’s help?

Kate drifted further and further from Lola while Lola kept retreating more and more into her shell avoiding any opportunity to make new friends even if it was just to help her academically. She remembered as a child she had vowed never to have any intimate friend apart from Kate. The wound caused by parting with her best friend was to say the least, painfully tearing her in pieces and making her wish she would wake up one day and discover it to be only a dream!

Lola pondered long about what she had to do to reconcile with Kate but Kate never seemed to express any interest at reconciliation as she seemed to have found another friend. Finally, Lola gave up any hope of reconciliation with the friend she had loved and cherished since childhood.

Three weeks to the exams, Lola decided that if Kate could make it and did not have two heads, she, too, could make it, by every possible legitimate means no matter the cost. By dogged determination, she threw herself into her books, night and day studying fervently remembering a statement once made by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and quoted in class by her teacher one day as an advice to them to prepare for their exams and become great in future: the heights by great men reached and kept were not attained by sudden flight, but they, while their companions slept, were toiling upward in the night.

Finally the exams came and she wrote all she could and religiously left the rest in God’s hands, like her mom had taught her, believing that He would graciously help her to come out with flying colours having played her own part. Parting with Kate had taught her many lessons especially not to rely on friends who may later forsake you and many times painfully so.

When the results came out, Lola had made it as she prayed and the following year she obtained admission to the university to study computer science for four years. She later graduated with a second class upper degree in computer science. During all these years in the university she never heard from her former friend or contacted her. During her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year after university, as required by the Federal Government of Nigeria, she was posted to Rivers state, Nigeria where she met to her greatest shock, her childhood friend Kate at the orientation camp. Kate had also been posted from a different university to serve in Rivers state, Nigeria and there the impossible happened. She reconciled successfully with her childhood friend Kate, amidst tears and weeping. They forgave each other for all that happened in the past.

Today, 10 years later, Lola is a born again Christian. She holds the position as the Director with a computer firm in Nigeria; a well-paid job in an established company. Over the years, the experience of painful estrangement from her friend had built in her strong will, courage, character and a determination to succeed against all odds. Yes! Her painful friend moments had unconsciously helped her greatly in life! It is just like someone said I am thankful to all those who said no to me. Because of them I did it myself (some attribute this statement to Albert Einstein and others to Wayne W. Dyer or someone else).

This also reminds me of the time I really needed to learn a certain software application for my research and the person who was supposed to teach me kept postponing and later declined. I had to learn it by myself by watching YouTube and sometimes sleeping off with YouTube on and still playing! Today, I teach others how to use the software. I am grateful to that individual for saying no to me. Because of that no I learned it better myself by the grace and mercies of God. Painful friends teach us in this life never to rely on the arm of flesh for the arm of flesh is likely to fail us. It is said you should never forget 3 types of people in your life:

People who helped you in your difficult times

People who left you in your difficult times

People who put you in difficult times

But whether people left you or put you in difficult times you must forgive them to be able to move forward with Divine acceleration in life.

Joseph in Genesis 37 had painful friends in the form of his 10 brothers who tried to kill him but later sold him to slavery into the land of Egypt. In Egypt he suffered many trials, tests and temptations but overcame them all. His trials led to him becoming the Prime Minister of Egypt, a position that did not exist before. It was created for a man of many trials who was separated from his brethren. If we can endure the trials of life successfully like Joseph without compromising on our faith, God will even create positions not in existence before as a blessing and reward us for our steadfastness. Towards the end of his life, Joseph could say to his brothers But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Genesis 50:20. (NKJV).

Painful friends are the tests and trials of our faith intended by God to bring out the best in us. What are tests, temptations and trials? Although these are similar and may be used interchangeably by some people, they are slightly different because tests are people, situations and circumstances allowed by God to come our way in order to prove the genuineness and quality of our faith, which if successfully handled will move us forward in every facet and dimension of our lives spiritually and otherwise. In other words tests are for promotion. If you are ready to get to the next level in life then get ready for a test! Temptations are people, situations and circumstances satan brings to destroy our faith. The devil can turn even tests and trials into temptations to destroy our faith if we allow him. Trials are difficult people, situations and circumstances allowed by God to prove the genuineness of our faith so the gold in us can show forth like Job said But he knoweth the way that I take; When he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold. Job 23:10 (ASV).

It is the will of God that we should not only be steadfast and unmoveable (1corinthians 15:58) in the midst of tests and trials, but that we see them and embrace them as friends. It is like that painful injection that a patient needs to be healed; the injection is quite painful but yet the patient is better after receiving it. It is like the seed that has to die in the ground but that death produces life. It is like the pains a mother endures in the labour room which gives birth to a bundle of joy. It is like the washing machine that turns, twists and knocks clothes and squeezes them but in the end they come out cleaner, fresher, brighter and better. Tests and trials of our faith are very painful when we are passing through them but like Lola in our story we will be the better for it at the end of the day! There is always a ray of light at the end of the tunnel of these painful friends that will take us to the greatest heights in destiny. If you don’t believe me, ask Abraham, who by passing the test of heaven became the father of many nations and a friend of God. If you still don’t believe me, ask Job, who through many trials became greater at the end of his life than the beginning. If you still don’t believe me, then ask Daniel; how he with his 3 friends overcame and gained prominence in Babylon. At the mouth of two or three witnesses the scripture says, every word shall be established (Deuteronomy 17:6; 19:15; 2corinthians 13:1). And so these three are mentioned as witnesses, in case these three witnesses are not enough, then ask the heroes of faith in Hebrews 11 who passed triumphantly through many tests, trials and temptations and have their names written in gold in heaven’s Faith Hall of Fame. Indeed great trials often precede great triumphs!

During the period of the burning of Churches in Malaysia which happened in December, 2009-January, 2010, Rev. Ong Sek Leang’s Metro Tabernacle building located at Desa