Maturation Through Marriage: And the Enticement of Divorce

By Lowell Lueck

At first look, it seems logical Christian maturity and preparation for eternity would go hand in hand with marriage. But when one delves deeper and takes a look at statistics, it does not always work that way.

Maturation through Marriage: And the Enticement of Divorce takes an honest look at author Lowell Luecks theological and spiritual reflection on the texture and contours of the fabric of his married life. It does not shy away from honestly portraying his sins but balances those statements of shortcoming with equally powerful reminders of the consolation and guidance from the Scriptures. Lueck found faulty applications or fundamental violations of Biblical principles by Christian spouses and the Christian church have allowed the tragic destruction of families. Lack of adaptation to no-fault divorce statutes; frustration of trying to apply biblical principles to our twenty-first-century Western worldview of love, dating, and marriage; and the unwillingness of the church to uphold Godly encouragement and accountability are some of the issues Lueck addresses. As a Christian marriage and family therapist with two failed marriages, he writes from an insiders perspective and with a willingness to share his shame of these experiences and also his deliverance from the false guilt that he had carried.

Written in an easy-to-understand manner, Maturation through Marriage: And the Enticement of Divorce is not just theory. Based upon the authors firsthand experience, this book can help you deal with the same or similar issues.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Sep 16, 2015
• ISBN: 9781480819504

Lowell Lueck

Lowell Lueck earned an MS from California State University, Bakersfield, and a ThD from Summit Bible College. He has done postgraduate work at Dallas Theological Seminary and served two years with Campus Crusade for Christ, International. Lueck is a board certified Marriage and Family Counselor. He is the father of two children and has five grandchildren, living in Bakersfield, California. Lueck can be contacted at www.psychologytoday.com or [e-mail].

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Copyright © 2015 Lowell Lueck.

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-1948-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1949-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1950-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015947445

Archway Publishing rev. date: 9/14/2015

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgments

Preface

Chapter I My Personal Pain of Divorce

Chapter II Bringing the Issue of Divorce off the Back Burner. Why Me Lord?

Chapter III Marriage, the Path to Transformation into Christ’s Image

Chapter IV The Enticement of Divorce

Chapter V Historical and Cultural Factors That Magnify The Enticement of Divorce

Chapter VI The Fault with No Fault Divorce

Chapter VII Emotional or Verbal Abuse

Chapter VIII Irreconcilable Differences for Ministers of Reconciliation and God’s Way Out of a Bad Marriage

Chapter IX Genuine Biblical Accountability - Does the Bible Really Say This?

Chapter X Other Means of Help from Churches for Marriages

Endnotes

DEDICATION

To Dana, my deceased ex-wife and mother of my children, Jayme and Joel. It was the words of Dana that were expressed years ago that have just recently been used by God to confirm His healing of the pain of that divorce. At the time these words were stated, I was in so much pain, hurt, frustration and anger that the words were not interpreted as words of comfort, but now I accept those words as words of God’s assurance of deliverance to me. When Dana decided to leave me and our marriage, she told me, You have not changed. You are basically the same person that I married 14 years ago, but I have changed. She also assured me that there was no offense for which an apology would cause her to change her mind regarding her decision to file for divorce. It is rare for a Christian, in the midst of pursuing actions to dissolve a Christian marriage, to absolve their partner of culpability for ending the marriage.

For 40 years these words of assurance that I had not changed were buried under the conclusions, assumptions, and accusations of Christian friends and family that held me at least equally responsible for the dissolution of our marriage. I remember going with Dana’s parents to get counsel from their pastor, a highly regarded (even by me) man of God, and hearing him tell me that certainly I must have done something to cause Dana to decide to file for divorce. It is the healing of the anguish that I felt from hearing that statement that God has used to enlighten me to the difference between marital fault and divorce fault and the appropriate Godly response required by both. Accurate accountability in this area can deliver tens of thousands of divorcees from their shame and guilt and provide means toward Christian maturation through marriage.

To Judy, a devoted servant of the Lord that encouraged me to write this book. After speaking at a counseling conference, I lingered in the room and my curiosity was aroused by the next speaker’s address on Prophetic Ministry. The speaker had little to say to me specifically, but when comments were encouraged from the attendees, Judy, being somewhat familiar with my ministry, stated that she viewed me as a Tree Shaker. Living in California and being somewhat familiar with almond orchards, the possibility of being a tree shaker for the Church resonated with my spirit, especially after recently filling out a questionnaire for my home church and discovering that my most likely spiritual gift was prophet as in the New Testament. Watching a tree shaker at work is not a pleasant sight. It is messy and quite violent and I am sure that if the almond tree could talk it would not always express happiness with the work of the tree shaker. Tree shakers are not the teddy bears of the Church and have a ministry that can be exercised prematurely if not in submission to the Holy Spirit; also, if the tree shaker is not adjusted properly it may be more aggressive than it needs to be, and, consequently, can damage the tree and the fruit. It is my hope and prayer that I will not be trying to shake fruit off the tree before it is ripe. I certainly have no illusions of being prophetic in the fashion of the renown prophets of the Old Testament; nevertheless, I do feel the burden of having a prophetic message to give to the Church that, to my knowledge, no one else is telling; in the fashion of the unnamed prophets of the New Testament (Eph.4:11-12) This is a message that I pray God may use to shake some fruit from the tree that is ripe for our time.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To my children, Jayme and Joel, who have endured the loss and agonizing emotional pain of their parents’ divorce and premature death of their mother and come through it all victoriously and are now living for the Lord and raising Christian families of their own.

To my editor Sheila, who patiently endured the consequences of my procrastination, delays and ineptitude in matters of the computer age, provided helpful editorial advice and gave insights from the female perspective.

PREFACE

I t is my belief that no institution can be used more effectively by God to conform Christians into the image of Christ than marriage. Because of this, the immediate beneficiaries of implementation of the principles in this book will be husbands and wives. In addition, and probably equally important, countless children will be spared the devastating effects of divorces for which they are not responsible, as Mom and Dad are empowered and held more accountable to honor their marriage vows. Marriages sanctioned by the Christian Church should be examples to the world of love and commitment to the highest ideals of marriage as taught by God the Father, Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul. I believe this can happen if we take a fresh look at the Scriptures and apply Biblical principles to our present culture. I would like to challenge the reader to read this book with an open mind because there are Biblical principles mentioned herein, that to my knowledge, have never been applied to frustrated husbands and wives who are being tempted to abandon their marriage vows and miss out on the maturation derived through Godly commitment to these vows.

I endured many years of guilt and shame believing that I was somehow responsible for two tragic divorces that never should have happened and occurred completely and contrarily to my will. These experiences were like riding in a train inevitably destined to crash and being completely powerless to stop it. This book is the story of my deliverance from shame and guilt through appropriate confession and repentance. It is my prayer and hope that my story will help thousands of families who suffer from the painful consequences of divorce every year.

You will be disappointed reading this book if you are in a long term marriage that has been blessed by God and do not realize that your marriage has thrived solely because of the grace of God. The Apostle Paul reminds us in Philippians 2:12b that we are to live our Christian life with an attitude of gratitude and humility.

¹²So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling; ¹³for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.¹

As we can see here, both the willing and the working is a manifestation of God who is working in us. Also in 1 Corinthians 15:9–10 we read:

⁹For I am the least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.¹⁰But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain; but I labored even more than all of them, yet not I, but the grace of God with me.

As Jeff Harkin emphasizes in his book, Grace Plus Nothing, God’s grace is the only empowerment that the Christian has to live the Christian life.²

Christians are commanded to have an attitude that releases God’s grace to us for certainly, GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE (James 4:6) (emphasis mine). Having said this, I am not unaware that some Christians are more faithful in embracing this attitude of humility than others and thereby availing themselves of God’s grace. Bill Gothard has reminded me that humility is, Recognizing that it is actually God and others who are responsible for the spiritual success in my life.³

This book emphasizes the importance of confession, repentance, and acceptance of God’s forgiveness for both the perpetrator of the divorce (divorce fault) and even the victim of the divorce (marital fault) as they examine themselves correctly (1 Cor. 11:27-29) These behaviors result in deliverance from guilt, shame and obtaining God’s forgiveness and restoration.

You will also be disappointed reading this book if you believe that a 21st century Western world view of love, dating and marriage is intrinsically superior to the Biblical New Testament World view of these issues. I am not suggesting that we turn back the clock and return to cultural mores and a lifestyle of the first century. This will never happen, nor do I believe that God needs this to occur in order for Godly commitment and Biblical accountability to be reintroduced into Christian marriages of today. I do, however, believe that the Christian Church is commanded by God to boldly apply immutable Biblical principles to married life and hold husbands and wives accountable to these principles. If this is done, I am convinced that the divorce rate could be dramatically reduced and Christian maturity would be enhanced for husbands and wives. Indeed, I am doubtful that either of my two divorces would have occurred if the Biblical principles advocated in this book had been implemented. As explained later in this book, this is not to infer that this Biblical accountability will ever be able to stop all divorces.

Several years ago I customarily ate lunch in a hospital cafeteria. Frequently, I would engage in conversations with medical doctors from India. My profession as a marriage counselor, frequently stimulated conversations about marriage and one observation from one of these doctors remains memorable to me: You Americans have strange marriage customs. First you date and court each other. Then you live together. Then you get married. Then you get divorced. What a sad commentary about a pattern that is far too common in our culture and certainly too common within the Christian Church. This is not mentioned to encourage a return to arranged marriages of the first century, but to reveal the comparative high divorce rate of Western marriages; especially, in spite of our premarital counseling, Christian matchmaking websites, Christian books on marriage and all of our Biblical preaching.

George Barna, who directed a study, noted that Americans have grown comfortable with divorce as a natural part of life.

There no longer seems to be much of a stigma attached to divorce; it is now seen as an unavoidable rite of passage, the researcher indicated. Interviews with young adults suggest that they want their initial marriage to last, but are not particularly optimistic about that possibility. There is also evidence that many young people are moving toward embracing the idea of serial marriage, in which a person gets married two or three times, seeking a different partner for each phase of their adult life.⁴

It is quite obvious that our best efforts have not been very effective in helping couples to remain committed to their marriage vows. I am convinced we could do better and, in the process, help husbands and wives grow in Christian maturity.

CHAPTER I

MY PERSONAL PAIN OF DIVORCE

If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8-9

W hen I decided to write this book, one of my biggest concerns was that my motives might be misinterpreted. What could the reasons be for a twice divorced Christian marriage counselor to openly expose my shame of two failed marriages except to blame the failures of these marriages on my ex-wives? This certainly is not my intention; in fact, I knew that an essential part of this book would be the confession of my sinful contributions to two marriages that eventually ended in divorce. I have decided to deal with my sin up front lest some readers be tempted to discard this book prematurely. These readers could have a valid point in doing this because unless I am willing to confess my sin, what validity would there be in any lessons I have