Choosing to Live: Enduring the Loss of a Loved One

By Jerry D. Campbell

When Jerry D. Campbell met his co-worker Veta, there was a policy that forbade employees from dating each other. Of course, they broke it and ended up being sweethearts for forty-seven years.

But when Veta died in April 2010, she left behind a husband devastated by grief. By forcing himself to work through it, he was able to deal with his loss while still enjoying life.

If youre dealing with the death of a loved one, you cant run away from it. In this guidebook to working through loss, youll learn how to:

develop a grief calendar that will help you cope with loss;

maintain a positive attitude as you work through new challenges;

continue to go about daily life even though you may be alone.

Youll also learn about the five stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kbler-Ross and why the author thinks its necessary to get to a sixth stage one he identifies as growth.

By knowing what to expect when a loved one dies and seeing what worked for the author, youll find it easier to work through your own loss by Choosing to Live.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Sep 19, 2014
• ISBN: 9781480810143

Jerry D. Campbell

Jerry D. Campbell is a retired United Methodist clergyman and former president of Claremont School of Theology. He is also founding president of Claremont Lincoln University, a graduate university dedicated to teaching individuals to lead and collaborate across the religious, cultural, and many other differences that separate individuals, communities, and nations.

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Copyright © 2014 Jerry D. Campbell.

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ISBN: 978-1-4808-1013-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1015-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4808-1014-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014914530

Archway Publishing rev. date: 08/15/2014

Contents

Preface

Chapter 1: What To Do When Loss Occurs

Chapter 2: Introducing Veta

Chapter 3: Encountering The Unthinkable

Chapter 4: Planning Grief

Chapter 5: Denial And The Choice

Chapter 6: Anger

Chapter 7: Bargaining

Chapter 8: Depression

Chapter 9: Acceptance

Chapter 10: Final Reflections

Preface

In going about our daily activities, we plan for life, not for death. It’s not that we are unaware that death can happen at any moment, but because we simply do not dwell on it. Until something happens that forces us to think otherwise, we take for granted that we will wake up in the morning and that those we love will do the same. When death comes to someone we love, therefore, we are often catapulted into deep, disconsolate grief.

This book is intended to help readers who have lost someone very close. It is based on my own experience after the unexpected death of my wife, Veta, in April of 2010. I began writing it after a friend suggested that telling others how I dealt with the process of grieving might be helpful to them. I could not know whether a process that worked for me would be useful to anyone else, but I decided to give the idea the benefit of a doubt.

In the book, I offer the viewpoint that knowing something about what to expect during grief and setting certain expectations immediately after loss occurs can help you get through grief with a healthier outcome. Faced with the shocking reality of Veta’s death, I immediately felt an urgency to find a method for guiding myself through the grief process in a way that would allow me both to grieve and to continue to function professionally. Since I did not know of such a method, I developed the simple approach described here. Though it may be far from perfect, I found that having a way to understand and manage grief was of immense help as I dealt with the loss of my wife, Veta.

The method described here made sense for me because of both my health history and my work history. My health history has required that I always be self-aware, and my work history has always put me at the mercy of a full and demanding calendar for the ordering of my days, weeks, and years. I am accustomed to being guided by a schedule. Thus, I created the grief calendar described in what follows, and it helped me make it through the traumatic experience. I have written this with the hope that it will be of help to you.

The book, therefore, is partly my suggestions about steps to deal with grief and partly about the description of my own grief experience. Because this mixes how-to suggestions with the story of my own grief, I have arranged it in a particular way. It would be most helpful, of course, for someone to read this well in advance of the loss of a loved one. In reality, however, I know that if it is consulted, it will most likely be after such a loss happens. So I have placed a summary of my suggestions early in the book for quick reference. Following that I have told my own story. Finally, I conclude with some observations of what I learned as a result of dealing with grief and subsequently writing about it.

Since this relates the story of my grief, it is fashioned around the circumstances of my life and work as they occurred during the period described. I want to emphasize, however, that such circumstances are different for each and every person and that the grief process will take place regardless of what your situation may be. Because I traveled extensively during my grief, largely as part of my work, I hope that the fact of my traveling will not be a distraction. A needed uplift from the natural world, for instance, can be experienced walking on a tree-lined street, in a park, or sitting in a secluded patio—anywhere you can see grass or trees, hear birds, or feel the wind. If you have children and are in need of some time alone, seek the help of a friend, neighbor, or family member. No matter what your circumstances may be, taking a deliberate approach to grieving can, I believe, help you get through it, and it can be done within the context of your own personal situation.

I am profoundly sorry if you are reading this because you have lost someone close. If such is the case, you are beginning one of the most challenging but common emotional experiences that humans undergo. Nonetheless, if you make up your mind now to deal with grief in a healthy and self-conscious manner, I am confident that you can find your way to a new and fulfilling next phase in your life.

Chapter 1: What To Do When Loss Occurs

When someone very close to you dies, you are faced with one of the greatest emotional challenges that we humans can know: dealing with death. It is not a challenge you were seeking, but one that is thrust upon you. Even if you have been expecting your loved one’s death, it requires an emotional adjustment.

Simply put, the challenge is getting through sometimes overwhelming grief in order to return to a healthy, fulfilling life. Though this challenge may be described as largely emotional in character, it can be severe enough to have serious implications for your physical well-being. For this reason, it is important for you to understand grieving and to exercise a degree of self-control as you grieve.

Though there probably will be unique aspects to the way you respond to the death of someone close, it is likely that you will also experience a number of emotional responses that humans share. Because emotional responses common to the human experience of loss have been described by others, it is possible for you to know in advance what you will most likely experience as you grieve. And knowing even in general terms what to expect provides you with the opportunity to be more deliberate and self-aware as you grieve. It also makes it more likely that you will meet the challenge of grieving and return to a healthy, fulfilling life.

When a Loved One Dies

Make the decision to live!

When someone close to you dies, make the decision that you will go on living.

Do this especially if the person you lost was your spouse, significant other, or a close family member. Suddenly confronted with the reality of being without the one you have lost, there is real danger that you may feel like your own life is no longer worth living. You may feel like just giving up and dying. It is urgent, therefore, that you focus on these feelings and make the decision to live within the first few days after your loved one dies.

Because this critical decision falls on you at precisely the time you are in shock, when you are feeling numb, find someone to talk with about this. Seek out a clergyperson, a counselor, a family member, a friend—someone who can help you focus on the positive value of going on with your life.

I cannot overemphasize the importance of consciously making the decision that you will go on living and setting yourself the goal of getting through your grief.

Get a sense, an understanding, of what you will be feeling.

Take time shortly after the loss of your loved one to learn how others have described the process of grief.

If possible, buy or borrow a copy of the book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (New York, Scribner, 2005), co-authored by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler (hereafter referred to simply as Grief).

Read the first chapter. It is only eighteen pages long, and you can easily read it in a short while. Learn about the five stages of loss so that you can understand better what you are already beginning to feel and why.

If possible, buy the book so that you can write on it and reread the descriptions of the stages as often as you need to.

Create your personal calendar for dealing with the stages of loss.

In spite of the fact that Grief helped me identify the stages I would be facing, I felt a clear, even desperate need for a tool or structure that would allow me to compartmentalize my personal life from my professional life to some degree so that I could give adequate attention to both. So I decided to build the five-stage grieving process into my schedule for the rest of the year. By doing so, I could insure that I fulfilled my professional responsibilities while also scheduling adequate time for each stage of the grief work. I found this technique extremely helpful, so I go into greater detail about how I did it in chapter 4. Here’s a brief summary:

Make a schedule for the next several months for how you will deal with each of the five stages of loss.

Put your schedule for progressing through the five stages on your calendar. If you are working, put it on your work calendar. My choice of eight months (through the end of the calendar year) was adequate, but it was also arbitrary. The point is to allow yourself as much time as needed to deal with a very difficult and emotionally exhausting process. The stages and my own brief description of them are:

• Denial: Feeling as if it just can’t be true; experiencing utter disbelief;

• Anger: Being mad at yourself and any other individuals or agencies related to the death of your loved one;

• Bargaining: Trying to make a deal with God or fate to make it not so;

• Depression: Slipping into a malaise characterized by loss of energy and focus;

• Acceptance: Coming to terms with the reality of loss in a way that allows you to move on.

Schedule time to focus attention on each stage described in Grief. Make sure that you have plenty of time scheduled outside of work to think about or to talk with a friend about each of the stages. Don’t avoid or skip dealing carefully and thoughtfully with any stage, even if it means reexamining your most fundamental beliefs, whether they derive from a religious tradition or from a secular viewpoint. In fact, rather than fearing a reexamination of your assumptions about what you believe, welcome it as a part of your inner work, because delving