Houlihans and Horse Sense

By Vernon Schmid

This collection of popular newspaper and magazine columns by Vernon Schmid is gleaned from hundreds of published pieces over the years in newspapers and magazines. His work regularly reaches tens of thousands readers. A prize-winning poet and newspaper editor, he is also a novelist and playwright. Filled with humor, wit and wisdom, these pieces offer insight into the always odd and illuminating activities of humanity, albeit from a unusual point of view. Whether a rancher, farmer, stable owner, racehorse aficionado, or casual reader, these columns will tickle your funny bone and sometimes bring a tear to your eye.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Mar 14, 2004
• ISBN: 9781477163986

Vernon Schmid

Vernon Schmid is a native of the west. He has been a ranch hand, horse trainer, trail guide, wrangler, rough stock rodeo rider, disc jockey, radio and newspaper journalist. A prize winning poet and syndicated columnist, he is a retired pastor whose published work includes the novels Showdown at Chalk Creek and Seven Days of the Dog and a dozen poetry collections including Kissing Moctezuma’s Serpent. His work has appeared in nearly a hundred periodicals. He and his wife, Susan, live in rural northeast Maryland where they spend time with their horses and he teaches at Cecil Community College.

Book preview

Copyright © 2004 by Vernon Schmid.

Cover art by Joe Prater

Library of Congress Number:                       2003195043

ISBN:          Softcover                                 1-4134-4468-7

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4771-6398-6

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and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the

copyright owner.

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Houlihan

Why?

Garthed!

Brushing Up Against Fame

The Beginning of the End

Alternatives

Jack and Me

Charlie

Cowboy Church

Good Old Days Revisited

The Best Christmas Ever

The Day Ol’ Rick Bucked Off a Hayloft

Who Benefits from

Farm Policies

The Hat

Happy Anniversary, Darlin’

The Truth of the Matter

Waylon, Willie,

George and Me

Wranglers

Getting Hitched

Dude Horses

Mother’s Day Memories

Cowboy Story:

A Found Poem

Good Guys and Bad Guys

Horse Mumbling

How Many Are There?

Language Lessons

My Old Mare

Nielson Family

Old Age and Treachery

Political Wisdom

Running is a Matter of Survival

The Brown Bomber

The Incredible Shrinking

Cows and Horses

Prejudice

Just a Simple Handshake

God Dogs

Conversation with

My Old Mare

Joe and Me and the Band

A Memorable Christmas

The Summer of Our Sorrow

A Singing Fool

Cowboy Boots

Backyard Creation Story

Cowboy Cures

Cowboy Time

Cowboy Insults

Educashun

Excuses, Excuses

Family Ties

Good Eatin’

Good Old Days Revisited

The Black Mare and

the Cowboy

The Red Mule

War Horses

The Most Important Meal

of the Day

The Truth about Tools

The Sight

California Chili:

A Found Poem

Beef—It’s What’s

for Dinner

Advance and Retreat

Geezers

The Rockefeller Center Incident

Summertime and the

Living are Sweating

Ute Trail

The Poor Boy and

the Mud Ponies

The Daddy of ’Em All

For my uncles,

John and Bert Amrine.

Like me, all they ever wanted to be was a cowboy,

and for all the others who dreamed the cowboy dream.

Acknowledgements

All of the columns, articles, and poems contained in this collection were published in their original form in the Rising Sun (MD) Herald, the Herald County Times, the National Foundation Quarter Horse Journal, and the Christian Century. We are grateful for permission to reprint them.

Also by Vernon Schmid

Poetry

Kissing Moctezuma’s Serpent

Hog Killers and Other Poems

Sleeping with Zapata

Testament

Canonical Hours

As Tentative as Flight (co-author)

Of the Heart and the Bread (editor)

The Desert and the Dance

Pilgrims

Poets and Priests and Madmen

Aspen Groves

Prose

Showdown at Chalk Creek

Seven Days of the Dog

Media and Methods for Your Church

War and Peace in the Land of Saints and Scholars

Drama

Five Who Knew Jesus

One Night in Daylight

A Hare with Many Friends

Between Eleven and Thursday

Houlihan

A form of roping wherein the roper throws a backhanded loop in a perpendicular way so that the animal runs into the loop and is caught, sort of like these columns.

"Every man has wanted to be a cowboy.

Why play Wall Street and die young

when you can play cowboy and never die?"

Will Rogers, July 10, 1931

Why?

They couldn’t believe it in the emergency room when I told them the wound in my arm was caused by a horse bite, Joe said. They took 26 stitches and I think they still thought I was lying." Then, he went on to describe a broken foot and other injuries he incurred as a trainer.

Tommy gives a crooked little grin as he talks about having reconstructive surgery on his face after being hit by a horse. And my rancher buddy Rick leans a little forward as he walks. That is the result of too many years riding broncs. My neighbor Jan has had her back broken in four places. She walks a little funny, too.

My own aches and pains accumulate with the years, as well. One knee was a bashed up by a two year old filly back in ’49 on a ranch in Colorado and reinjured in ‘53 by a bucking horse who trapped me in a chute at a rodeo at Altamont, Kansas.

A few years ago, I got bucked off while working a neighbor’s horse. I had to have a little wrist surgery after that incident. The first time that has happened in forty years. It took me a lot longer to recuperate from that little mishap. I am also a little deaf in one ear.

Specialists tell me it is the result of a concussion I incurred when a horse reared up and slammed me above the ear with one of its front hooves in a parade in St. Paul, Kansas.

Sitting around with friends talking about our experiences with horses it becomes brutally clear that we have collectively suffered all kinds of injuries. Many of those injuries plague us more and more as age slips up and pats us on the shoulder.

One thing we all agree on is that most of our injuries were our own fault or just simple accidents. Most horses do not set out to hurt folks. It’s just one of those things that happen when you are working with horses. Then comes the question from folks outside the horse world, Why? Why do something inherently dangerous?

Well, either you love horses or you don’t. I personally do not believe you can be taught to care for horses the way some of us do. It’s kind of like the old question, When did you decide to be a cowboy? The answer is You don’t choose to be cowboy. You are born that way.

The same holds true for horse folk. You can learn a lot about horses but the real horse people are just born that way. Stiff joints, aching knees, recurring pains, and funny ways of walking are just part of the joy.

And the first question asked of the doctor after one of these injuries is, How soon can I ride.

Garthed!

When I was a boy, my daddy and my uncle both had dairy herds. Somewhere along the way, some researcher, probably with a federal grant, discovered that if you played classical music while milking cows gave more milk. Well, its years later and some folks are telling horse people that horses are more relaxed if they hear country music while in their stalls.

Some friends of ours have a very nice stable with prize winning performance Quarter Horses and whenever you visit the barn, you hear country music being played in the background. So, being curious, we placed a small radio in our little barn and turned it to our local country music station so our two mares can listen to country music day and night when they are in their stalls.

The other morning I came into the house after doing my outside chores and began my inside chores: writing this column and preparing to teach at the local community college. As I worked, I found myself humming a country tune. I hummed it and half sang it to myself, over and over and over again.

I still have trouble getting it out of my mind. In fact, I heard it again this morning while in the barn and it’s off and running through my head again. I asked Miss Susan, my wife, why can’t I get this song out of my head?

Her response was quick and to the point.

You’ve been Garthed!"

I never thought I would see the day when I would be afflicted by that particular malady. You see, I am a country music fan. However, my favorites go back a few years and include Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, Bobby Bare, Waylon Jennings, Willie Nelson, Chris LeDoux, and Don Williams. Most of whom I’ve seen in concert thanks to generous gifts from my daughters. I am also too much of a penny pincher to buy concert tickets. The newest singer I really like to listen to is George Strait. However, that makes sense. George is a noted Texas Quarter Horse breeder, so he has some special marks to the good. But, new country has never done much for me.

Oh, I know Garth Brooks is from Yukon, Oklahoma. He knows the right way