Keeping You & Your Kids Sexually Pure: A How-To Guide for Parents, Pastors, Youth Workers and Teachers

By La Verne Tolbert Ph.D.

La Verne Tolbert, author of Keeping Your Kids Sexually Pure, offers solid advice and biblical wisdom for parents, youth workers, teachers, and church workers. In the midst of a society bombarded with sexual messages, Tolbert suggests that "we speak with one voice: sexual experimentation is unacceptable."

Dr. Tolbert has over 25 years experience as an abstinence educator, plus she and her husband have raised a daughter of their own. With lots of stories and examples, she writes in an honest, down-to-earth language every reader will appreciate. This book is a must for parents who long to protect their children.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jan 22, 2007
• ISBN: 9781462833412

La Verne Tolbert Ph.D.

La Verne Tolbert, Ph.D., recognized as a leader in the field of Christian education, Dr. La Verne Tolbert is president of Teaching Like Jesus Ministries, Inc. a parachurch ministry that equips teachers and leaders in the local church. She has extensive experience in local churches as a Christian education pastor/director and has conducted workshops and seminars for churches, denominations, and education ministries throughout the United States. Dr. Tolbert earned her Master of Arts in Christian Education and Ph.D. in Christian Education from Talbot School of Theology/Biola University, where she also taught as an assistant professor. Students twice nominated her for Who’s Who Among America’s Teachers. She was also an adjunct professor at Azusa Pacific and La Verne Universities. Tolbert’s writing career began in New York’s magazine publishing world as an editor-reporter for Family Circle and beauty and health editor of Bride’s Magazine. Her latest book, I Serve You Just As My Mother Did: The Woman Who Discipled A King (Xlibris) was born out of listening to Scripture during daily devotions. The answers she found revolutionized her appreciation of the Psalms. She is author of several books and curricula including her classic text, Teaching Like Jesus: A Practical Guide to Christian Education in Your Church (Zondervan), which is in its 18th printing and currently being updated. How to STUDY and Understand the Bible in 5 Simple Steps Without Learning Hebrew or Greek (etaworld.org) is said to be one of her best books yet! Dr. Tolbert is host of the YouTube Program, “Sunday School Made Simple,” where she teaches the upcoming Sunday School lesson to approximately 20,000 adults weekly. As Vice President of Editorial for UMI (Urban Ministries, Inc.), the Christian African American media company, which provides Christian education resources for the African American community world-wide, she is responsible for enhancing Bible study curriculum for more than 10,000 ecumenical congregations. In 2013, Biola University awarded Dr. Tolbert the Priscilla Ruby Award for excellence in teaching and mentoring during Biola’s celebration of National Women’s History Month. In 2019, she received the Distinguished Christian Educator Award from Presiding Bishop Emeritus Charles E. Blake, Sr., Pastor of the West Angeles Church Of God In Christ in Los Angeles for recognition as a professor, scholar, ministry mentor, teacher of teachers, and preacher of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Dr. Tolbert’s most cherished roles are wife, mother, and grandmother. Married to Elder Irving Tolbert, the couple has two daughters and six grandchildren.

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Copyright © 2007 by La Verne Tolbert, Ph.D.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise noted, are taken from the HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations marked AMPLIFIED are from the Amplified ® New Testament. Copyright © 1954, 1958, 1987 by the Lockman Foundation.

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Scripture quotations marked KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE ®. Copyright © The Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995. Used by permission.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.

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acknowledgments

Years in the field and years of research are combined in this book. Along the way, many have encouraged, educated, and inspired me, notably Dr. Stan Weed, who mentored me throughout the dissertation process; Dr. Michael Anthony, who insisted I find the answer to a simple question; Pat Ware, who suggested the topic for my research; and Lakita Garth who introduced us.

For an environment at Talbot School of Theology that embraced my study even though it may have been a bit outside of the norm, I extend a special thank you to Dr. Dennis Dirks, dean, and Dr. Klaus Issler, then chair of the doctoral program. For her encouragement throughout the dissertation process, a special thank you to my friend Dr. Shelly Cunningham. For assistance with finding the impossible, thank you to Gracie Hsu of the Family Research Council; Biola librarian Bob Krauss; and Cheryl Stabler of the Los Angeles Times. For the research grant, thank you to the North American Professors of Christian Education. Finally, thank you, Dr. Sherwood Lingenfelter, for ushering me into the doctoral program in the first place.

To those who read this book in various drafts, thank you for your critique and suggestions: Dr. Minnie Claiborne, my prayer partner who entreats heaven daily on my behalf; Dr. Angela Griffiths, for her insightful and invaluable editorial comments; Paulette Bowman, Alesia Brown, Ed Cunningham, Shawnee Fisher, Jerry Gramckow, Dr. Stella Ma, Sonja Schappert, and Forrest Turpin. To those who lent their personal stories whether named, pseudonymous, or anonymous, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability.

This book was originally published by Zondervan, and it is with special regard that I thank my former editor, Jim Ruark, for his courage in accepting this work and for his superb attention to editorial detail that polished a rock into a smooth stone. Thank you!

To Irving, my husband, lover, and friend, for being as excited as I am about the next project and actually believing that it can be done, please know that it can’t be done without you. Thank you for being the love of my life. Finally, to La Nej, thank you for your laughter, love, and obedience to our Lord. I’m so grateful for the gift that God gave me when he gave me you. Kiss, kiss, hug tight, never let go!

part 1

parents: the message begins at home

Love the Lord your Cod with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today Ore to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Deuteronomy 6:5-7

The chuhhy twelve-year-old standing in the middle of the room was demanding my attention. I had picked her up from school, served her a snack, and feeling my duties adequately met, gone back to writing at the computer. Obviously, having a child around was quite new to me.

Stop working. I’m home now! she demanded. I jerked around, a bit stunned at how clearly La Nej articulated her need and at a loss for any words that might couch a legitimate excuse for me to ignore it I thought of giving her a chore, of sending her to do homework, or of assigning her the ever necessary task of cleaning her room. But nothing came out of my mouth, for within me a deeper request resonated. My heart heard her unspoken words, I need time with you.

Loving God and applying the principles of God’s Word gives parents a head start in raising their children. Impressing godly principles upon our children is accomplished through the sacrificial gift of time. Once we’re with our children, teaching them God s commandments is simpler We talk with them while were sitting, walking, lying down, and getting up.

chapter 1

great expectations

Lift up a standard for the people.

Isaiah 62:10 KJV

M y daughter had two choices: Either she was going down the aisle a virgin or she was going down the aisle in a coffin.

This, of course, is hyperbole. Restated, it means that in our home the boundary lines for sexual purity were clear: Nothing less than virginity was acceptable.

I looked into the eyes of this child whom God had given me to raise, my twin sister’s daughter. When she was born, I suggested naming her La Nej, which loosely means snow and for me was symbolic of a fresh, new beginning.

Eleven years later La Nej was in a foster home on Long Island, New York. Through prayers, letters, and urgent calls to the Department of Social Services, I was able to assume custody and flew three thousand miles to get my niece. I would later marry, adopt her, and raise her as my own daughter.

When I drove to the facility in upstate New York, the Holy Spirit was my navigator. I had no idea where I was heading, but I was determined to get there. The paperwork that would grant me custody was not yet final, but La Nej was permitted to come to Los Angeles on an extended vacation.

The child was distraught when I arrived at the foster care facility. I later learned that her foster mother had taunted her, saying I wouldn’t come for her after all. The quiet panic in her eyes turned to relief when she, standing outdoors despite the wintry weather, finally saw me walking toward her. Kiss, kiss! Hug tight! Never let go! she said as she wrapped her little arms tightly around my neck. It was a phrase I would hear often, one that would become a precious signature of the commitment we had made to each other.

We gathered La Nej’s things, most of which I soon discarded. Her thick hair was braided in ugly little pigtails, and the striped woolen cap scrunched on her head looked third-hand. Since this was the day before her twelfth birthday, we had a wonderful excuse for a little pampering. I drove right to my favorite beauty salon in Manhattan and marveled at how different La Nej looked after a simple shampoo and set. Then we shopped till we dropped.

The world of beauty had been my career for more than ten years. A former magazine beauty and health editor, I had written two beauty books and in the process had relocated to Los Angeles, where I continued to write, travel, and consult. How would I juggle these responsibilities now that I was a single parent? I decided to think about it one day at a time, a lesson I had come to learn in my daily walk with God.

On the plane back to Los Angeles, the relief of finally getting La Nej out of the system gave way to the reality of my new responsibility. I realized that I had no idea how to raise a child. I thought about my own childhood and the emotional scars that had remained hidden for years, scars that resulted from being displaced from my parents at times, living with grandparents off and on, and occasionally in foster homes too. Perhaps I saw myself in La Nej. All I know is that I wanted her to make different choices than the ones I had made—poor decisions that resulted from raggedy self-esteem.

We sat down for our first serious talk immediately after breakfast while we were still in our bathrobes. Her eyes tried unsuccessfully to hide her surprise as I pulled out larger than life charts of the male and female reproductive organs, visuals I had used in public school classrooms during my volunteer years as a board member with Planned Parenthood.

These are the ovaries. The egg comes from here once a month, I said as I made a fist and placed it below my stomach. The lecture continued as I charted the course of what happens when the sperm meets the egg. The best way to keep the sperm from meeting the egg is to say no, I concluded.

Although I’m uncertain of how much she actually understood at that time, of this I am certain: La Nej knew that keeping herself sexually pure was of the utmost value. Later she would hear her options for going down the aisle repeated again and again and again and again… .

I had lectured with the best intentions. When I put the charts away, however, I vowed never to use them again with my or anyone else’s daughter. There had to be a better way.

Research demonstrates that when parents expect their children to be abstinent, they are more likely to abstain from sex. Studies also show that when boundary lines become fuzzy or mixed messages are conveyed, like handing out condoms while telling teens to just say no, kids are confused about what’s right and wrong.

All across America Christian parents are setting standards and raising the bar high. Like the mother on the antismoking billboard who says to an acquaintance who is puffing away on a cigarette, "Not in my house!" mothers and fathers everywhere are taking a stand. Children are expected to obey biblical guidelines that affirm sexual intercourse for marriage only. Period.

Messages from the media coupled with courses in the classroom present our children with a smorgasbord of options, including non-marital sex, samesex sex, group sex, Internet sex, and combinations thereof. Society urges us to teach our children to say no to drugs and alcohol but draws the line there. When it comes to their most precious possession—their bodies—our children are learning that they have the right to have sexual intercourse. And parents have the right to say, "Not in my house!"

Boundaries

Christian psychologists Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend teach that setting boundaries is necessary and positive. Simply put, boundaries are essential because they keep good things in and bad things out.

God defined the boundary for sexual intercourse, and that boundary is marriage between a man and a woman. Parents assume that their children understand this, but the vagueness that results from too little time together opens a Pandora’s box subject to each child’s individual interpretation.

One student said in a recent Time magazine article, Parents haven’t set boundaries, but they are expecting them. Children who want to discuss sexual ethics with their parents can’t get their attention long enough. Investing time to build relationships with our children cultivates healthy talking ground. Here is where boundaries are set, and parents who do so realize that children feel safer and more protected with adults who are not afraid to be proactive.

Our daughter’s friend Wendi was dressing for the prom with our daughter at our home. Wendi’s dad had given her permission to spend prom night at the hotel where some of her other classmates were attending the after-party. When my husband learned that she planned to go to the hotel with her date after the prom, he confronted her.

Since you’re getting dressed in our home, you are expected to return here. I don’t care what your father said. You may not spend the night at the hotel.

Wendi went home. An hour later she was knocking at our door, and when I opened it, she was standing there with a stack of clothes in her arms. I’m moving in, she announced. And she did. She knew that we really cared about her and started calling me, Mom, and Irving, Dad. She followed our rules and stayed the entire summer before going to college.

The goal of Christian parents is to foster a home environment where children fall in love with God and obey him. Jesus said, If you love me, you will obey what I command (John 14:15). We teach our children that God’s heart is broken when we disobey his commandments. God says:

O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children forever!

Deuteronomy 5:29 KJV

God is not trying to keep us from having fun. He is protecting us. The standard of sexual purity is high because the cost of disobedience is so great. If we want our children to have a good life, we need to raise them up—above the garbage, above confusion and chaos, and up to God’s standards.

When our children step outside the lines of safety, they fall prey to a host of unforeseen, unimaginable consequences. Forgiveness awaits the prodigal, but God does not wave a magic wand to erase the effects of sin. Nonmarital sexual intercourse is sin, and sin has its consequences. Shame, guilt, broken hearts, and shattered expectations are emotional scars that are immune to pills and ointments. And, no matter how much medicine is applied, many sexual diseases don’t heal at all. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 65 million Americans are currently living with an incurable sexually transmitted disease (STD). Each year approximately 15 million people become infected with one or more STD. A whopping 25 percent of these infections occur in sexually active teenagers.

The statistics for the deadliest STD, the human immunodeficiency virus/acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (HIV/AIDS), are even more alarming. Between 26 and 50 percent of those who contract the disease become infected in their teenage years or early twenties. And this is the result of heterosexual, not homosexual, activity.

In other words, nearly half of all HIV infections occur in children who are living at home, wearing clothes that their parents bought, eating food that their parents prepared, sleeping in beds and living under roofs provided by their parents. Some have luxury items—cars—to drive to school. For many, conscientious mothers and fathers will work two or three jobs to pay thousands of dollars for four or five years of college tuition.

These sexually active children are too young to vote. If they had a toothache, they could not go to the dentist without their parents. Parents would be arrested if they intentionally neglected to provide food, clothing, or housing. And parents are responsible for maintaining insurance to pay for their children’s medical care.

Where are these kids having sex? Sexually active teenagers admit that because they are in single-parent households or homes where both parents are working, they are left with many hours of unsupervised free time. Thus, they are having sex at home, sometimes in their parents’ bed.

Bombarded by a social environment where sex is portrayed as essential to obtain friends and maintain popularity, where sex sells yet condoms are free, where violent, sexually explicit music assaults the psyche, where cable television and indecent commercials parade around the mental landscape of the youngest imagination, we need to stop and ask ourselves, What on earth is happening?

An objective analysis would surmise that children in contemporary society are victims of sexual exploitation. Desensitized and immature, kids view sexual intercourse as no big deal. Parents should feel outraged that the children they struggle so hard to protect are constantly being violated.

With the emotional, psychological, and physical health of our children at stake, the time for feeling powerless is over. The wellbeing of our families and communities, and ultimately our country is on the line. Parents must take back the reins and declare to their children that sexual intercourse is for marriage only. This is not moralizing; nor is it preaching. It’s parenting.

Sex Is God’s Idea

We often forget that sex is God’s idea. He designed it, and like everything else God created, sex is good. But God confined the sexual act to a specific union, and the sign over that door reads, For husbands and wives only.

God protected humankind from the consequences of nonmarital sexual intercourse with the Old Testament law, You shall not commit adultery (Exod. 20:14). We see the benefits of fidelity to God through the example of Joseph, a handsome teenager who, when tempted, chose to run from sexual sin (Gen. 39:6-12). Because of Joseph’s obedience, God used him to deliver his people, which illustrates that individual choices of morality ultimately affect the community and therefore have social ramifications that span well beyond the walls of the bedroom.⁵

Proverbs is replete with reminders that the proper context for sexual intercourse is within the marriage union.

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.

Proverbs 5:15-18

The public disgrace of sexual immorality so vividly painted here by Solomon, King David’s son, was sketched from the