I Don’t Know If I Can Call Myself a Mom

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The first walk I took by myself after my baby died was just to my neighborhood coffee shop a block away, but it felt like a mile. I had a heavy pad in my underwear because I was still actively bleeding, a belly band velcroed tightly above my C-section scar, and nipple covers tucked into my nursing bra to soak up the last of my milk.

Many new mothers have done this walk. But they generally have a baby in their Ergo carrier or nestled into a stroller. They get loving glances from strangers, who coo at their newborn or joke about lack of sleep. But no one on that walk—not the cashier I ordered from, nor the young couple walking their dog—knew I was a mom. I had no idea either.

I’ve asked many questions since my daughter, Lucy, was born in the fall of 2022 and died four days later in the neonatal ICU. A lot