The Toddler Book: How to enjoy your growing child

By Rachel Waddilove

A follow up to the hugely successful the Baby Book, The Toddler Book follows a child's development between the ages 12-36 months. Written in an informative yet friendly style, the book is essential for any parent, experienced or not, who wants to approach the terrible two's stage with confidence and a smile. Topics covered include: sleep, feeding, general care, potty training, illnesses, behaviour, development, play, family life, new baby in the family and the spiritual and emotional needs of a child.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lion Books
• Release date: Oct 21, 2011
• ISBN: 9780745958491

Rachel Waddilove

Rachel Waddilove has over 30 years' experience as a maternity nurse and nanny, working with families all over the world including celebrities, politicians and royalty. Rachel is also a mum and granny and runs a consultancy service from her home in Devon.

Book preview

CHAPTER 1

Introduction

Aims of This Book

When my publishers suggested I write another book, I wondered how different it might be from The Baby Book. As I have spent time thinking through what parents want to know when bringing up their children, I feel that parenting during the toddler years can be just as much a minefield as caring for a newborn baby.

During the first year of our baby’s life we will probably have had all sorts of ups and downs and coped pretty well, and we may think it is easy from now onwards. Once we pass into the second year of our child’s life, we may feel we have got it all worked out, and then friends say ‘Just wait and see, the terrible twos!’ Some parents have seen such awful behaviour in their friends’ children that they dread the toddler years, but it doesn’t need to be like that. In my experience each stage is precious and exciting as our children do new things, and despite the challenges of the toddler years they also seem to pass very quickly, especially when we look back.

I feel passionate about family life and enjoying our children and I do hope that this book will be a help to you in every way, particularly enabling you to enjoy the toddler years. We will be looking together at the practical aspects of parenting: helping your child to sleep well and eat well, potty training and general care. We will also look at the emotional and spiritual side of our child as he is growing up, and how we can show him love and care to help him to develop into a well-rounded child. I think this part of parenting is very important, particularly in today’s world, where everyone is in such a hurry and nobody has any time. Often a child’s physical needs are met but not his emotional ones.

I am a great believer in consistent and loving but firm discipline and I know that it is important to lay down good foundations and boundaries in the early years. Parenting in this way will help your toddler to grow up feeling loved and secure. In my view it is vital that our children feel wanted and affirmed. It is also important that our children have a strong sense of belonging and being part of a family, and of knowing that they are loved and cared for. When we show our children love we are teaching them to love others, and this foundation of love needs to be laid down in the early months and years of their life. We need to be open with our children, particularly as they get older and have a deeper understanding and awareness of what is going on around them. All these things will enable them to mature emotionally. One of my good friends has written about the importance of building good memories that children are able to draw on during difficult times of life. I have expanded on these themes in Chapter 13 (Your Toddler’s Spiritual and Emotional Needs).

I feel we should remember as parents that little girls are very different from little boys, whatever we may be told, and our approach may be slightly different in the way we parent them. You don’t have to spend very long with young children to see how obvious this difference is. Little girls often aspire to being a ‘princess’, enjoying dressing-up games, playing at mummies and daddies and getting married, whereas many little boys are ‘warriors’, fight battles, enjoy boisterous play and have an inbuilt desire to provide and protect. In this book I hope to help you as parents to nurture these differences but also to enable your children to socialize and play well with children of both genders.

I always say that we don’t get a trial run at parenting. We must do what we feel is right at the time and try not to look back and feel guilty over the mistakes that we are bound to make. There is no such thing as the perfect parent, so if you are struggling, take heart. Most other parents struggle too from time to time. Children are pretty tough and it is amazing how they develop and do well, even if we think we have not done a very good job.

My Background

As the eldest of six children, the youngest of whom is ten years my junior, I grew up in a home where there were always young children around. This is where my love of young children began. My parents had a private maternity nurse for their first four children, and I vividly remember this official-looking woman in a starched uniform coming when my two brothers were born. My father seemed terrified of her, and I certainly was! I remember not being allowed to go into my parents’ bedroom to see my mother and the new baby, and feeling very left out. This experience has made me very aware of the importance of including older brothers and sisters in family life when a new baby is born.

At seventeen I attended a Doctor Barnado’s residential nursery training college in Kent to train for my National Nursery Examining Board Diploma. My course involved working with many newborn babies and toddlers, which I loved. After completing my training, I went to London for my first job as a maternity nurse, looking after a premature baby. I then moved on to another family with three children under the age of three, where I worked until my marriage. I married a farmer, and we had three children of our own. During those years of bringing up our children, I would help and advise friends with their children. This confirmed my deep feeling that children need a loving routine and structure in their lives from an early age.

After moving to Devon, I returned to work as a nanny helping mums with newborns and young children. I have travelled around the UK and the world with my work over the past decade. Over the years I’ve had the privilege of going back to families as a maternity nurse for their second or subsequent children.

More recently I have set up a consultancy business in Devon. I offer daily home visits to couples expecting their first baby to prepare them for coming home from hospital with a newborn. We talk through any fears and issues that they may have. I also offer telephone advice to families with new babies and young children who are having sleeping or feeding problems.

I now have five grandchildren, and helping them has been a real joy to me; there’s nothing quite like working with your own family.

CHAPTER 2

Bringing Up Children in the Twenty-first Century

Just before I came to write this chapter, UNICEF, the United Nations Children’s Fund, published a report entitled An Overview of Child Wellbeing in Rich Countries, of which Britain is one. The report came up with some pretty serious findings. Children in Britain were found to be the unhappiest and loneliest in the developed world. British children were also less fulfilled than any other children in the developed world and had more behavioural problems and a sense of ‘not belonging’. So many families today have almost everything that money can buy and yet children still don’t feel loved. These statistics make me very sad and they have caused me to think deeply about where we are going wrong in bringing up our children today. I feel that there has been a general breakdown in family life over the past thirty years, and this has fuelled a deep unhappiness in a lot of our children and young people. This has made me realize again the importance of positive, loving, secure parenting.

As I’ve been writing my books and talking to family members from three generations, a number of themes have emerged which suggest that many people see that positive parenting and family life have been eroded. In this chapter, I hope to set the scene for the rest of the book by talking about some of the changes in parenting and family life that have taken place in society in recent years.

Changes in Society

Fearfulness of Discipline and Boundaries

Sadly, discipline has become an increasingly dirty word in parenting. Let’s take a look at its definition in the Oxford English Dictionary: ‘Training that produces orderliness, obedience and self-control’. I feel that most parents would agree that these are good things and qualities we would hope for in our children. However, many parents have been afraid of becoming a ‘disciplinarian’: someone who enforces rules with punishment and imposes rigid discipline. This is particularly true of parents who have had a very strict and rigid upbringing and want to ensure their child does not have the same.

From the 1960s onwards there was a swing in society away from discipline and boundaries for children. In many ways, we may be seeing two generations of children who have been brought up with little clear guidance about what is acceptable behaviour. I think this is one of the reasons there are so many alarming newspaper articles about teenagers’ behaviour, television programmes sending the ‘experts’ in to help families in crisis over ‘tearaway toddlers’ and reports from teachers of uncontrollable children. I don’t believe we should lay the blame upon parents for these changes in society, as many parents were brought up with few boundaries themselves and have been left with a legacy of uncertainty about how best to discipline their own children. But I believe the tide is turning and more and more parents are beginning to realize that having boundaries makes for happier family life.

Children are not born with a set of rules, although at times you may feel they are – usually different from your own! I always say when I am talking to parents that it is you who need to set the boundaries. I believe passionately in loving, affirming discipline, which all children need for their all-round development. My aim in this book is to help you to feel confident with your child, to enable you to understand how to lovingly discipline her and to help to put the responsibility of consistent parenting back into your hands. I hope to equip you with methods of positive parenting for the most common problem areas with toddlers: behaviour (Chapter 3), sleep (Chapter 4) and eating (Chapter 5).

Breakdown of Family Relationships

Sadly, there are many reasons why family breakdown occurs. One of the most common is financial pressure, such as worry over unemployment, debt and how to provide for a family. This can lead to arguments between parents, and children soon pick up on the tension in the family, even if they are still very young. Financial pressure can often lead to a burden of overwork for one or both parents. Parents may be working long hours each day and hardly see their children. This can make parents feel guilty, as many would love to spend more time with their children, but the ‘busyness’ of life just takes over. This sort of existence puts a huge strain on family relationships.

Many parents are continually tired, often due to a heavy workload and the fact that young children can be exhausting. However, this becomes much worse if you’re also having broken nights with children who don’t sleep well and are up and down all night. Sleep deprivation is most destructive, as you are always just too tired to talk things through. Lack of communication can happen easily, and very soon you feel you’re not discussing anything that really matters. When you don’t have time or energy to talk, lack of agreement between you as parents – especially on the emotive issues of parenting such as discipline or eating – can lead to problems within the family.

During the 1960s a new divorce law came in which made it much easier for people to get a divorce, and in time there was less stigma around divorce until now nearly half of all marriages in Britain end in divorce. I speak from experience, having gone through divorce myself, and I know the pain it brings not only to the couple but also to the children, whatever their ages. Many couples feel strongly about their marriage vows and believe that marriage is for life, so it is devastating when their marriage ends in the divorce courts. I felt like this and struggled to come to terms with being a single mum, even though my children were older and not all living at home. In my case my husband and I remarried and it has been wonderful to see the healing within our family as well as the wider family. However, I recognize that some marriages are deeply destructive both to parents and children, and divorce is the only way through.

I believe that children need both male and female role models in their lives as they are growing up. Our family relationships act as a role model for our children of how to manage their relationships in adult life. The key ingredients, I believe, are love and stability, giving our children quality time and being consistent. Also, a real sense of fun is important for family life so that we are able to laugh at our mistakes and laugh with our children too. These attributes apply just as much to single-parent families, step-families and parents who only see their children at weekends as to the ‘traditional’ nuclear family.

Being a mother and a granny, and having worked with numerous families over the years, I understand that family relationships are not always easy. Life is often not straightforward, and just as you think you have everything sorted out, something else happens and you feel you are back to square one. In Chapter 12 I will be giving some practical advice on how to build a strong, secure family life and suggesting ways to help you enjoy being a parent. I will also be talking about how we can show love to our children in Chapter 13, which focuses on the spiritual and emotional needs of your toddler.

Rising Consumerism

I believe our consumer culture puts huge pressure on families. We live in a society in which we often expect to have everything we want materially, and to have it instantly. For some parents there is also a perceived pressure to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. This sort of lifestyle can cause tensions in a relationship, and often both parents have to work to service debts or large mortgages.

Many of today’s parents were brought up in a relatively affluent society, in which toys and holidays didn’t need to be saved up for. Often their expectations for their own children’s standard of living are the same or higher. It can be hard to say ‘no’ to your children when their friends seem to have all the latest gadgets, toys and clothes. Sadly, many parents see gift-giving as the way to show love to their child, especially when parental relationships have broken down. You may be surprised to find how happy young children are with very simple things to play with, rather than expensive presents. What our children crave most of all is our time and love. Loving your child unconditionally and giving him time are the greatest gifts you can ever give him.

I do see positive signs of the pendulum swinging back, with some parents keen to have a ‘simpler’ childhood for their children and becoming more concerned about consumerism and its impact on the rest of the world. In Chapter 12 on family life, I hope to give you some practical tips on having great times together without spending a lot of money.

Pressures on Parents Today

Living Away from Extended Family

Many people live far away from their extended families today for all sorts of reasons, whereas fifty years ago most couples started married life near their parents. This means that when couples have babies and raise a family they don’t have the hands-on help and advice from wider family living nearby. So we don’t have a culture of know-how being handed down through the family, and many parents feel isolated. It may be difficult for you to call on grandparents to come in and help or babysit if they are living on the other side of the country or even abroad. The positive side of this is that friendships become very important to families. I believe strong and lasting friendships are built as you share with friends the ups and downs of having babies and bringing up young children.

Different Family Structures

Children are brought up in many different family settings today. Step-families often have their problems as parents try to bring children together in a family unit. This can often be difficult, especially for toddlers who may become unsettled in new surroundings and confused as they miss the other parent. There are many more single parents now and often these are mums, struggling to bring up children on their own in very tough circumstances. This can be because of separation, divorce or bereavement, and parenting can feel very lonely in these circumstances. In some families one parent will often only see the children at weekends and in the holidays. This is also difficult, often for both parties. It is important for parents to try to be civil to each other and not attempt to score off one another, and to try to put the children’s needs before their own. This can be particularly hard to do, especially when one party has walked out. Children suffer just as much as parents do through separation and divorce. Try to remember that it isn’t your child’s fault that you separated, as she can soon feel it was if you load on her your feelings of anguish. If you are struggling with any of these issues, try to get help and mediation.

Working Life for Parents

There has been an apparent culture shift towards a ‘work-life balance’, which I think is very welcome, but I am not sure that some companies are really that good on flexible working yet; there is still room for improvement! It is more accepted that women will work part-time, but in general it seems to be difficult for men to have this flexibility too. Many fathers work away from home all week and come home at weekends feeling absolutely shattered. This sort of lifestyle is becoming more common and can put pressure on a relationship, especially for the mother, who has been looking after the children on her own all week. It can be hard on dads too, as they come back into the family for short periods and then have to go away again. Many fathers work long hours, going off to work before the children are up in the mornings and coming back long after they are in bed. Long working hours are difficult to live with but the reality is that many have them, and the important thing to remember is to talk together about how you are both coping and to build time in for each other. If possible make weekends and holidays special family times, and remember that it does get easier as the children get older.

A Culture of Busyness

There is a danger, I think, of children’s lives being too busy and over-structured. There are so many activities on offer, from dancing classes to music to gym, and of course the endless round of play dates to be fitted into the social diary. These can be an added strain on family life, particularly if you have several children and are rushing round in circles trying to get them to their clubs and societies. This can hugely escalate with after-school activities, and it is becoming increasingly the case for toddlers too. Try to remember that children need time just to be and are often just as happy being at home with you, playing with their toys and spending time with you in an unhurried way.

Too Many Expert Opinions

Many parents say to me that they are given too many ‘expert opinions’, starting from the moment of conception! Mums especially can be overwhelmed with numerous instructions, such as what they should and shouldn’t eat, what type of exercise they should take, what they must buy for the nursery and so on. As I talk to parents I find a real sense of fear about what they should be doing with their child, whether it involves feeding, sleeping or potty training. Parents say that the advice keeps changing; in fact each time they have a baby the advice is different from before! There are huge concerns over food allergies today, for example, and I worry that these can be taken so far that we move away from a sensible and balanced approach to feeding our children.

Positive Changes for Parents Today

I seem to have talked a lot about negatives in the above paragraphs, and now I want to concentrate on the positive changes that are happening for parents today. Sometimes I wish I could start all over again and have my family for a second time when I see the opportunities that young families have nowadays.

Extended Family through Friendships

The way that friends support each other in the absence of the wider family is lovely to see. There has been a huge growth in National Childbirth Trust (NCT), toddler and preschool groups over the last few years. These all help new parents to get to know others with young babies and children and provide a place where you can share experiences, tips and problems. It is encouraging to know that you are not alone and that you are all going through similar experiences. Often at these groups someone who has had lots of experience with young children will visit and give advice too. Some of the friendships you make through these groups are long-lasting, as they form at a very special time in your life. There is also good Internet support for mums through websites such as Mumsnet (www.mumsnet.com) and chat rooms, helping you to know you are not on your own.

Involvement of Family, Especially Grandparents, in Childcare

When families do live near grandparents or other relatives, it is much more common nowadays for them to be involved in childcare and supporting parents in bringing up children. In fact, today you see more and more grandparents at the school gates collecting children from