Moxie's Problem: Princess Moxie, #1

By Hank Quense

You won't find one more unusual or more humorous than Moxie's Problem. 

Moxie is an obnoxious, teenage princess who has led a sheltered life. Until now. She struggles to come to grips with reality. This fantasy comedy takes place against a backdrop of Camelot. But it's a Camelot in a parallel universe. 

In Moxie's Problem, Moxie, a teenage princess, leaves her father's castle for the first time to travel to her betroth's home. She is escorted by three Knights of the Round Table, Percivale, Gareth and Bors. Along the way Moxie is stunned by the real world, so different from life in the castle. For one thing, the knights ignore her demands and her commands. They expect her to sleep on the ground, get up at dawn and eat what they can catch or find. Moxie notices how independent they are. The knights do what has to be done whether it's deciding on a route or fighting brigands. Moxie realizes she hasn't been trained to do anything. She doesn't have a life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Hank Quense
• Release date: Aug 8, 2014
• ISBN: 9780985779160

Hank Quense

Hank Quense writes humorous and satiric sci-fi and fantasy stories. He also writes and lectures about fiction writing and self-publishing.  He and his wife Pat usually vacation in another galaxy or parallel universe. They also time travel occasionally when Hank is searching for new story ideas. Other books by Hank Quense Fiction: Gundarland Stories Tales From Gundarland Falstaff’s Big Gamble Wotan’s Dilemma The King Who Disappeared Princess Moxie Series Moxie’s Problem Moxie’s Decision Queen Moxie Zaftan Troubles Series Contact Confusion Combat Convolution Sam Klatze Gongeblazn Non-fiction: The Author Blueprint Series of books is written to assist writers and authors in getting the job done. Creating Stories: Book 1 How to Self-publish and Market a Book: Book 2 Book Marketing Fundamentals: Book 3 Business Basics for Authors: Book 4 Fiction Writing Workshops for Kids: Book 5 Writing Stories: Book 7 Publication date to be announced Links? You want links? Here you go: Hank’s website: http://hankquense.org Hank's Facebook fiction page: https://www.facebook.com/StrangeWorldsOnline?ref=hl Twitter: https://twitter.com/hanque99 LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/hanque/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/hankquense/ Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3002079.Hank_Quense Bookbub: https://www.bookbub.com/authors/hank-quense

Book preview

What others thought of Moxie’s Problem:

Well, let me tell you I have never ever laughed so hard while reading a book. It is a great spoof of all thing Camelot and king Arthur. Nothing is as it seems in this parallel universe. We have a princess who has never been out of the castle , a trendy king Artie and his knights of the round table. Patricia on Goodreads

The book had the most unique story ever written in the history. If you hate the usual stereotypes, then this book is written for you: A beautiful, humble princess? Nope, Moxie is plain, and extremely annoying, but in the same time extremely true. But there is something that remained in my heart. At some point Moxie understands that she wanted to be capable, and be the queen. Young girls are taught to make themselves look pretty, and find a good husband. But girls can achieve much more. I love it how Moxie understands slowly the importance of women in the society. Anita Hoxha on Goodreads

MOXIE’S PROBLEM

BY HANK QUENSE

© 2014

All Rights Reserved.

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or locales is entirely coincidental.

License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.  This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people.  If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.  If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy.  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

ISBN: 978-09857791-6-0

-

Published in the United States of America

Published by Strange World Publishing 2014

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

About the Author

A few words from the author:

My Camelot is different from the legendary Camelot.  This difference is easy to explain; my story describes what happened in Camelot in a different parallel universe.

Onto the story!  Remember, you have been warned!  Do not expect another retelling of the traditional Camelot legends.

PROLOGUE

Back to the Table of Contents

From the Chronicles of Bildas the Surly:

Circa 674 C.E.

After the Roman legions left Britain, years of lawlessness and strife ensued.  Bands of brigands roamed the land.  Gradually, a rash of petty kings established themselves.  They were little better than the brigands and in many cases were the brigands.  To pay their armies, the petty kings engaged in warfare with their neighbors.  This occurred every year from the time the crops were planted until it came time for the harvest.

It was during these times that the youth in East Anglia began kicking around a leather ball filled with rags.  It gradually spread beyond East Anglia and teams sprouted up through the land.  In some cases, its popularity was such that the petty kings turned to football matches instead of warfare.

Then came the invaders.  For many terrible summers, raiders descended upon the coast of Britain and caused great damage and loss of life.  Each year, more of the Angles, Jutes and Saxons, swarmed over our poor coast and went inland using the rivers.  Each year, the slaughter moved further south until, in 434, the invaders found the southeast corner of Britain.  Since it was so late in the season, the Saxons didn't venture along the southern coast, but all the kings knew the Saxons would go there next summer.  Everyone shuddered at that threat, because the southern shore was the most undefended part of the land.

~ ~ ~

December 435 C.E.

Caewlin, king of Glenvum, called the neighboring kings to a meeting to develop a strategy for the next season's warfare.

The meeting took place in his castle on the Severn River just before the new year.  All the kings traveled through heavy snow to attend, but the desperate straits of the country precluded any of them from making an excuse not to show up.  After the traditional feast, carousel and hangover recovery, the meeting took place in the second afternoon.  Caewlin made a few introductory remarks then asked, So what do we do about the southern shore?  We can't let the barbarians use it as an assembly point to march inland.  If that happens, I'll end up fighting a battle outside my walls.

All of the kings were middle-aged with husky builds and vicious expressions.

The obvious solution, Penda, the king of Isca, said, is to make someone the Count of the Southern Shore.  It will be his job to protect the area.

That's not a bad idea, King Bree from Ratae replied.  But what's he supposed to use for troops?

The only way for that plan to succeed is for all of us to contribute some warriors to help him defend the land, Caewlin replied

I can't give him many, Vertigen, king of Aqua Sulis, said.  I have to defend my own lands.

So, who gets the job? Bree asked.

I'll propose my nephew, Oswald, King of Venta said.  He's a pain in the ass, always nagging me to put him in charge of a squadron of knights and let him raid Saxon strongholds.

Isn't that Pendragon's kid, Arthur? Caewlin asked.

Yeah, that's him, Oswald replied.  Thinks he's God's gift to Britain.  Calls himself Artie.

Is he the one who's always kicking a leather ball around?  Vertigen asked.

Uh-huh.  He's always got one with him, Oswald replied.  Has it stuffed with rags.  All the young knights do it.  I don't know what's wrong kids these days.  When I was their age, all I was interested in was slaughter and rapine.

How old is he? Vertigen asked.  Has he been in battle?

He's seventeen now, Oswald replied.  I gave him a squad of knights in a battle against the Picts.  He did good.

Picts don't count, Vertigen said.  Saxons are bigger, heavier and stronger than Picts.

Any objections to making Arthur the Count of the Southern Shore? Caewlin asked.

No one raised any concerns or offered a different candidate.

Are we gonna tell him this is a suicide mission?  Vertigen raised an eyebrow.

No need to upset him, Bree said.  Besides, it may not be suicidal.  Especially if we give him some quality troops.

I'm not giving up my good men.  Penda scowled at Bree.  He'll get my dregs, my screw-ups and some rookies.

We can' t give him all dregs, Bree said.  He has to have some strong fighters to stiffen the rest of the warriors.

Right.  Penda gave out with a loud gaffaw.  I'll let him have my builder.  Makes a damn good outhouse.  He guffawed again.

He'll have a wizard with him, thank the fates, Oswald said.  He can have Merlin.  He drives everyone crazy asking questions like, 'Did you hate your father?' and, 'When were you potty trained?'  I'm not gonna to miss Merlin, I can tell you.

Who gives this Artie guy the good news? Penda asked.

I'll tell him when I get back home, Oswald said.  He's a bit naive and I don't like sending him out without any good troops.

He don't need many quality troops, Caewlin said.  All he has to do is slow down the Saxons and send a message to us.  We can move down to intercept the Saxons as they move inland.

If we don't have our own battles to fight, Penda replied.

PART ONE

April

450 C.E.

Chapter One

Back to the Table of Contents

Princess Moxie approached her father's apartment in a state bordering on an anxiety attack.  In a few minutes, she would hear news that could change her life for better or worse.  She sucked in a huge draught of air while the spear-wielding guard opened the door.  Once inside she stood in a large square room with a huge desk in the rear under the only window.  A few bearskin rugs were scattered about and several chairs sat in front of a fireplace that spewed smoke and sparks.

She smoothed her wrinkled, blue kirtle and sought her father.  Moxie knew she wasn't attractive, what with her short, barrel-shaped figure and plain features.  As a consequence, she didn't expect many marriage offers.

King Smedley wasn't in the room.  She signed and wondered how long she'd have to wait for him to show up.  The last time she could remember being in this apartment was just after her mother died thirteen years ago when she was three.  Before then, Moxie lived here with her mother and father.  After the funeral she was packed off to live elsewhere in the castle and was tended to by a squad of nurses and handmaidens.  She searched the room for some token of her mother, but found nothing.  It was as if the woman had never existed.

A door in the rear opened and Smedley came in.  Gaunt, slightly stooped with white beard and few strands of hair on his head, his brown eyes glared at Moxie.  She couldn't remember a time when the King didn't glare at her.  She felt her heart thumping in her bosom as Smedley went to the desk and picked up a scroll.  He sat down in a throne-like cushioned chair and pointed with the scroll to another chair.  Moxie sat down and asked, Do you have any answers yet?

Kings are supposed to speak first.  I've told you that hundreds of times.  After a brief additional glare, he added, Yes, I have a number of responses to your betrothal request.  The ones I haven't yet received I assume are being ignored and will never be answered.

Moxie bounced in her seat while trying to remain dignified.

Two nobles responded that their sons have taken religious vows to never get married.  Another three said their sons were on long quests and weren't expected back for years.  Two replied their sons were dead, but I know one lied.  That son was seen in a local tavern last week.  Four said their sons were already married or betrothed.

Moxie's shoulders sagged.  She was doomed to be a spinster.

But a Count Gamel accepted the proposal.

Moxie's head snapped up.  An acceptance!  She was getting married!  She would leave her father's prison!  The rush of excitement dropped as quickly as it had risen.  Count Who?

Gamel.

Never heard of him.  Who is he and where's he from?

Count Gamel has a stronghold in the northeast, near the Saxon lands.  His negotiator left here yesterday.  We agreed on your dowry and signed the necessary documents.

You did all this without asking me what I wanted to do?  I should have been involved in the negotiations.  Moxie stamped her foot.  It's my life and I'm entitled to have a say about it.

It's not a woman's place to negotiate.  Women do what men decide they should do.

Moxie remained silent for a few seconds to allow her anger to cool.  Now what happens?  Moxie beckoned with her hand.  She sensed her father wasn't telling her something.

I've sent to Camelot and requested three knights to escort you to Gamel.

Camelot?  You hate Camelot.

I hate King Artie, but the Knights of the Round Table are the best in the world.  Once the escorts get here, you'll be on your way to your new home.  Hopefully, I'll have a grandson to succeed me soon after that.  You may leave my presence.

Moxie choked back tears at her father's dictatorial manner and his brusk dismissal.  Whoever this Gamel was, living with him had to be better than living here with her father.

She fled the room.

Ten years ago, Smedley had requested the hand of Guinevere as his second wife. She was the daughter of Cywryd of Gwent.  Cywryd had instead given Guinevere to King Artie.  Smedley had never forgiven Cywryd and had been in a state of undeclared war with Gwent ever since.  He also had developed an intense hatred for King Artie because of Guinevere.  Although Smedley's kingdom of Uisc was located next to Camelot’s western boundary, Smedley refused to pay homage to the king.  Artie for his part ignored Smedley since his kingdom was too small to do any damage to Camelot.

~ ~ ~

Thirteen young men stood in a line facing a podium in the training grounds.  They were the graduating class from the Heroes Guild located two miles outside Camelot.  The only sounds came from birds squawking overhead and from the pennants snapping on the Guild's flagpoles.

Percivale, the shortest and the youngest of the group, anchored the left of the line.  He had spent the last two years of his life learning to wield weapons, defend himself, count loot, attack castles and mug dragons.  He also had studied drawing, both still-life and action.

His gut churned with nervousness at the approaching ceremony.  After it, his life would begin anew, and Percivale harbored a few nagging doubts about his ability to cope with the new responsibilities.

The door to the Guild hall opened and Harry the Murderer, their chief instructor, emerged.  Stand at attention, scum.  Harry had a shaved head and a full red beard.  None of ya are fit to graduate, he roared.  Ya gonna disgrace the Heroes Guild.  Out inna world, he jerked a thumb over his shoulder, they use real weapons, not practice ones.  None of ya will still be alive by midsummer.  I'm sure of it.

The graduating class ignored Harry's yelling.  They had grown accustomed to it over the years.

The door opened again and two Guild officials and an old man approached the podium.  Harry snapped to attention when he saw them.  The officials wore robes trimmed with ermine and dyed in the official colors of the Guild, black and blue.  They stopped at the podium.  The administrative assistant, Castrani, cleared his throat and said, This is Raefen.  He is the oldest living graduate of the Guild and will be the guest speaker today.  Perhaps, he will impart some words of wisdom to you.

Thibault, the chief administrator, said, Congratulations to all you fine young men as you begin the next phase of your lives.  After Raefen speaks, we will give each of you your first assignment.  It gladdens my heart to know that every one of you have been chosen to serve somewhere.  He grabbed Raefen by the arm and pulled him in front of the podium.  Address the graduates, if you will.

Raefen hocked up a glob of phlegm and spit it behind Castrani.  He wiped his mouth with the back of his wrist.  My fellow heroes.  Welcome to our small group of dedicated warriors.  The secret of livin' as long as I have is to get rich quick.  Then ya can be picky about wot adventures ya go on.  Ya can take on the easy ones wot don't have too much danger.  Iffen ya ain't rich, then ya gotta take every crappy job ya get offered.  That's how ya get kilt.  Why, I recollect one time —

Thibault pushed Raefen away from the podium.  Thank you for those astute words.  To continue the ceremony, all of you raise your right hands and recite together the Guild Code of Conduct.  Ready?  Begin.

Percivale and his mates chanted, We promise to live by the following rules.  One, to rescue and or protect everyone without regard to wealth or birth status.  Two, not to kill unnecessarily.  Three, loot is the right of conquest.  Percivale had trouble hiding a smile as he thought of the barracks version of the code.  'One, protecting the rich pays better than protecting the poor.  Two, don't kill unnecessarily because maiming and mutilating is more fun.  Three, loot is the right of the guy with better weapons.'

It is my pleasure, Thibault said, to welcome all of you into the ranks of the certified heroes.  Administrator Castrani will now give out the graduation assignments.  When he calls your name come forward.

Percivale almost bounced on his toes wondering where he would be assigned.

Castrani called out a name in his high-pitched voice.

The new hero took the few steps to the podium and saluted.

You have been assigned to the garrison at Aquae Sulis, Castrani said.  You may leave the field to pack your belongs and get on your way.

Percivale's anticipation increased as others were called and given posts.  Minutes later, only he and two others remained.  Thibualt and Castrani smiled at the three.

Heroes Gareth, Bors and Percivale!  Step forward.

Surprised at the command for three, Percivale stepped forward and was joined by the other two.  He held his breath.

You three have been accepted as apprentice Knights of the Round Table.  You have an appointment with Sir Lancelot tomorrow at noon.  He will give you your training assignments at that time.  Congratulations.

Percivale exhaled and grinned at the administrators.  He had been awarded the assignment he had hoped for.  He'd become a member of the most prestigious group of knights in the world.  Still, he was a bit nervous.  After all, he was just a farm boy, the youngest of eight children and the only boy.

Percivale had never been tested in a real fight.  Would he respond the way he had been trained?  Could he kill another man in a battle?  He was sure he'd find out quickly as an apprentice Knight of the Round Table.

Then there was the question that intrigued all the trainees: did a hero's success come from luck, from skill with weapons or from superior planning?  Or was it because of something entirely different?

~ ~ ~

Arthur, known as Artie, by the grace of God and/or the Lady of the Lake, King of Camelot, Count of the Southern Shore, Defender of Britain, Scourge of the Saxons and Founder of the Knights of the Round Table, sat in the solarium in Camelot with Merlin.

Outside, rain and sleet threatened to postpone the arrival of Spring. 

The thirty-two year old Artie wore a blue linen shirt, tan trews and boots.  He took a pull on a pipe filled with shredded hemp.  That produced a goofy smile on his face as he held the smoke for a few seconds.

Merlin sat nearby with a similar pipe and blew shapes made of colored smoke.  The wizard sent the pyramids, cones and cubes soaring around the room.  His gray hooded wizard's robe had astrological symbols sewn into the wool material.

Both had horns of mead to hand recently refilled from a pitcher which sat on a tall chest of drawers. 

Merlin, the acknowledged Smoke Master of Britain, took another hit and blew a green and gold tetrahedron and wafted it towards Artie's mead horn.

Artie smirked and watched the smoke figure float nearer.  Before it reached him, he heard heavy footsteps outside the door.  His smirk turned to a frown.  Here comes a problem.

Someone shouted, Where's the King?  I bring news.

Artie sighed and took another quick drag before his peaceful day came to a halt.

The door swung open and a castle guard announced, Sire, a messenger.

A mud-splattered, dripping wet man squished across the room and handed Artie a leather pouch.

Artie took the pouch and said, Tell me what it says.

Hengist has taken the field and attacked the Londinium garrison.

So early? Merlin asked.

Artie raised an eyebrow.  The score?

Londinium lost eleven nil.

What!  Merlin jumped out of his chair.  Londinium has the best striker in all of Britain and their goalkeeper was rookie of the year last season.

How did they beat the Londinium squad so badly? Artie asked.  This portends trouble.  I know it does.  It's that damned Hengist.  He's determined to beat my knights.

The foul Saxons used three wizards, the messenger said.  Two are on the sidelines and they use a third wizard in goal.

They're serious this time, aren't they?  Artie shook his head.  Where did they go afterwards?

Venta Belgarum.

Thank you, Artie said to the messenger.  Have the kitchen give you food and dry clothes.

After the messenger left, Merlin said, Three wizards!  I need help, Artie.  During games, Merlin cast healing spells on injured knights.  All the teams used a sideline wizard in this manner.  If the Saxons had two on their sideline, one could handle the healing magic while the second attacked Merlin.  With Merlin forced to defend himself, he wouldn't be able to tend to the players.

So, get some local wizards to help.

Bah!  The locals are a bunch of fakes.  I need a powerful ally.

Like who?

Perhaps, the Lady of the Lake will help, Merlin replied.  I can send her a scryer message straightaway and ask for an acolyte to help me out.

Yes, you better contact her.  If she agrees, I'll send a horse and an honor guard to fetch the acolyte.  We have to start preparations.  It's only a matter of time until Hengist leads his Saxons to Camelot.  By the gods, Hengist won't win this time, either.

~ ~ ~

At midday, a hungover Percivale, Bors and Gareth approached the gate in Camelot's walls.  All three had spent time earlier cleaning their clothes to remove the worst of the ravages from last night's boisterous graduation party.

Percivale flexed his sore right arm.  During the night, he had gotten a tattoo.  It showed the initials of the Heroes Guild, HG, over a battle ax, his preferred weapon.  Gareth's tattoo read 'Kiss the Cook' over a spatula and Bors had an abacus tattooed on his arm.  None of them remembered getting the tattoos.

A guard allowed them into Camelot after they showed the passes Thibault had given them.

Inside the walls, they looked around open-mouthed.  Camelot, the palace, stood in the rear of the walled-in complex.  Its white marble exterior reflected the sun and it hurt the eyes to stare at the three-story structure.  In front of the castle, smaller buildings held kitchens, stables and workshops.  The guard had directed them to a second, smaller castle used by the knights.  It consisted of a five-story keep and it flew many different colored pennants, one for each knight currently in residence.

At the steps of the keep, another guard directed them to the room where they could meet the great Lancelot.  The open door to the room held a sign engraved with the letters KRT.  Percivale peeped in.  A huge oblong table dominated most of the room.  In the rear were several small rectangular tables and chairs.  At the front end of the large table, a group of men lounged around drinking and smoking pipes.  Others played dice further away.  Still another man sat away from the table plunking at lute strings and moaning.

One of the knights pointed his pipe stem at them.  Got some visitors.  He

Reviews for Moxie's Problem

[denisewoodruffpa · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I read it to my grandson. He loves it. I had to give him the book it's not really my type I read but I love reading to my grandson and this is the best one I have read yet

[croknot1 · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

A delightfully silly book! I love Moxie, and all her trials and tribulations. I much prefer this Camelot to the nal one!origi

[rinkas-1 · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I enjoyed this book, full of humor and also suspense. This is a book I can see as a movie in the same genre as " Knights Tale". Refreshing book to enjoy for young and old with no x rated scenes.