One Foot over the Edge: A Canadian Soldier's Personal Account of The Rwandan Genocide

By Shane Mutlow

"The scars we show become lighthouses for those about to hit the same rock."
– ANONYMOUS.
A quote from the screenplay written by Katelyn Wells, adapted from the book ONE FOOT OVER THE EDGE.

A true story of a young Canadian Soldier returning home from a war-torn Rwanda, after witnessing the most horrific genocide since WWII.

Corporal Shane Mutlow was held at gunpoint for two days by local forces, not knowing whether or not he would live to see another day. Labelled "whereabouts unknown" twice and held against his will while on a major operation by Rwandan government officials, Corporal Mutlow was sent off-road every day into unknown territories deep within the Rwandan jungle.

The genocide in Rwanda left Canadian troops completely unprepared for the tragedies they would be subjected to, from the suicide of a brother-in-arms on Christmas Day to returning home from his deployment to a wife and children who would never know the horrors he had endured.

Just six months spent in the midst of the Rwanda genocide would change this young soldier's life forever.

My name is Shane Mutlow, and I bore witness to what the world wanted to ignore.
This is my story.

Portions of each sale of this book will be donated to Fortitude Farms, a facility which provides equine therapy for those who suffer with mental illness. This is the place Ginger calls home.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tellwell Talent
• Release date: Aug 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9780228859857

Shane Mutlow

Shane Mutlow is a veteran of the Canadian Armed Forces, where he spent time at 1 CDHSR as a radio operator, and at 3 RCR, where he served with a parachute company. Shane has been to many different countries while serving in the military. He was deployed on an UN tour, UNAMIR, in Rwanda, Africa, from 1994–1995, and witnessed the aftermath of the genocide caused by the civil war between the Hutu and Tutsi clans. He has had a successful career working at an engineering firm prior to his retirement in 2014. His story is twenty years in the making and is one that needs to be told.This is Shane's first book, but it will surely give the readers an insight into the horrors and setbacks that our Canadian soldiers and veterans struggle with when they arrive home after being in a theatre of operation. Shane continues to reside in Pembroke, ON, with his wife Justine and daughter Madison. His two boys, Nicolas and Zachary; his daughter, Addison; and his fiancée Avery live out west and frequently come to Pembroke for visits.

Book preview

One Foot

Over

the Edge

A Canadian Soldier’s Personal Account of The Rwandan Genocide

Shane Mutlow

One Foot Over the Edge

Copyright © 2021 by Shane Mutlow

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Tellwell Talent

www.tellwell.ca

ISBN

978-0-2288-5986-4 (Hardcover)

978-0-2288-5987-1 (Paperback)

978-0-2288-5985-7 (eBook)

Dedication

To my wife Justine, my children Nicolas, Zachary, Madison, my granddaughter Addison, my parents Gordon & Lila Mutlow, my in-laws Joe & Darlene Lafrance and to all the Soldiers who have made the ultimate sacrifice to defend our freedom.

Table of Contents

Introduction

1.Simple Life

2.The Journey Begins

3.Becoming A Rad OP

4.Bound for Africa

5.Becoming Numb

6.Border Issues

7.Money Troubles

8.Going Home

9.My Saviour

10.Reunion 2014

11.Back Into Darkness

12.Road To Recovery

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Glossary

About the Author

Parade at CFB Trenton prior to deploying to Africa, so much pride and honor to be serving my country.

Map of Rwanda and the surrounding areas

Canadian detachments that were spread throughout Rwanda during the UMAMIR operation.

Introduction

I would like to take this opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate that you have taken the time to show an interest in my book. It has taken me over twenty-five years to build up the courage and strength to talk about and share what I experienced while in Rwanda. I would like to clarify the effect it has had on me, my family and those whom I hold close to me. This happens to so many returning soldiers and it is not as uncommon as one might think. Please remember, these are just my experiences. I know that I’m not a professional writer, but these are my own words, my own emotions, not somebody else trying to find the correct way to convey them.

Had I the hindsight, I still would have made the same decision to join the military, despite what happens to me and the innocent people it will affect. By giving you some insight into my experience, I hope that this may help bring some clarity to the morale fight that our soldiers struggle with and the consequences we endure on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, we wholeheartedly know that at some point in our career may see conflict, we accept that with no reservations. What we don’t accept is to be forgotten about.

These are only a few of the events that I experienced as a Canadian UN Peacekeeper while serving in the aftermath of the Genocide that occurred in Rwanda, Africa, where more than 800,000 Rwandan people were massacred. I want the Canadian public to know the part our great Canadian Armed Forces played in trying to restore stability and humanitarian aid to the people who survived the Genocide. I only bring back from Rwanda the images of the inhumane atrocities, and the lasting, haunting images that still torment me today. There are a lot of unknowns to what happens to returning troops from a conflict operation; there are also families waiting at home for them and the turmoil and confusion that they go through. We need to fully grasp how much a soldier’s demons spread out to the families: spouses, children and loved ones. This read will not solve this issue, but it may help others to understand why soldiers become the way they are when they return.

I will go through three conflicts I encountered to show you that these events do have significant impact on our lives. Events like these or any similar traumatic events, create triggers that come out of nowhere; most of the time the reason is unknown to us, and they completely disrupt our daily living. Our injuries, even though they are not visible, they are still significant injuries with which we have to adapt our entire lives around to survive.

You see someone standing at the grocery store checkout with a full cart of food; then all of a sudden, they rush out without their food, or your spouse’s friends ask if you guys are still together because they never see the two of you together anymore. This person possibly has PTSD or a TBI, and you lean more towards, that person is odd, or what’s wrong with them? Because the injury isn’t visible, there is automatically a stereotype created about them without knowing the truth.

I hope that after reading this, you will get a clearer picture of what some Canadian soldiers may suffer through and the burdens they carry. You may then decide for yourself, he or she is a soldier who may have gone through something, so let’s show them a little support and have some patience with them. You may have one bad day a week, but our soldiers suffer from these traumas every hour of every single day. Even the smallest thing like getting out of bed could be a tremendous struggle for them, and I cannot put into words what it means to receive just the smallest gesture of support.

Remember, there are so many resources out there for you, that if you need it, ask for it; you deserve it. There’s no shame in it. They teach us in the military to work as a team, so call a brother in arms, call your parents, hell, even call me, and I promise I will take the time to meet or to just talk to you no matter what, any time of any day. If you trust anything, just remember,

WE ARE WARRIORS, NOT BECAUSE WE ALWAYS WIN, BUT BECAUSE WE ALWAYS FIGHT.

1

Simple Life

The hard aches that a man suffers in his lifetime do not define him. How he responds to these burdens will shape who he becomes. As a soldier, I am fully devoted to take on these burdens for the safety of my family and our country. Sometimes, though, these are too much for us, and we break. This doesn’t signify that we are flawed or weak; it just means we are human. I took up a profession that only few have the courage to do. Every fibre of my being has made me to do just one thing, and that is to be a Protector. Born simply to be that Sheepdog and I will never stop. Even after my time in the service is complete, that feeling of the responsibility to protect remains with me. So, how do you fix someone who has this Ethos, or do they even need to be fixed?

To fully understand who I am, I must go back to my upbringing and explain how it influenced me and developed these character traits I now have. I grew up in a small-town called Fort Saskatchewan, where, like the cliché, everybody knew everybody. We were a typical family during the ’70s and ’80s: we went to our grandparents every Sunday for lunch, played hockey in the wintertime. Every summer we would pack up our trailer and go to the lake for two weeks with all our other relatives. The summers were the most memorable for me because of the time I got to spend with all my cousins, fishing, water-skiing and having bonfires at the trailer. Both of my parents worked at the local Correctional Facility. My dad was the Warden, and my mom was a medical secretary.

As I stand out on the front road facing my childhood home, I see a typical bungalow. It is brown with a large window on the left side of it, looking into the living room, and two bedroom windows on the right side facing the street. There is a sidewalk in the middle of the front yard, made of grey patio stones. They head straight up to the front door. The grass on either side of the walkway is always well maintained and there is a large tree on the right side of the lawn.

My parents always take great pride in how their property looks, but it wasn’t that they were competing with the neighbors or anything, they just have a great sense of pride. They work so hard for what they have, and it shows by how they care for not just the house and property, but with everything they have.

These character traits are also reflected on the inside of the house. My parents are sticklers when it comes to where things go and cleanliness of their house. All of my mother’s cupboards are so organized that you would have thought you were looking at a display kitchen at Ikea. The entire house is organized this way. I could still use things; I just had to put it back where I got it from when done. These organizational skills even flowed through into my bedroom. You wouldn’t think I would have this level of self-respect about my surroundings, but at the time, I didn’t think of it that way; it was the way my parents want things done and I respect them. Even in my dad’s garage, every tool has its place. I really don’t understand the reasoning why my parents did things this way and I am completely oblivious to the fact that they are teaching me a valuable life lesson. This lesson continues to be a crucial part of my life today, especially with my PTSD. What they are trying to have me understand is that if you take care of the small things, then big things won’t develop. We can’t control everything that happens to us, but there are things in our control that we can do; it’s a way to minimize the amount of stress in our life.

This is not the only time my parents taught me a lesson that I was unaware of. My parents always took the approach of letting me do my own thing. I had no curfew; I am able to come and go as I please, but I need to respect their rules. I like to say that They are firm but fair. I know saying they are firm contradicts letting me do my stuff freely, but it’s firm in the sense that they let me know their position on something and I must be prepared to suffer the consequences. They let me make my own decisions, and if I did do something against my parents’ wishes where I needed to be reprimanded for it, they clearly explained their reasoning and after my punishment was finished, it was over.

My parents did not go on about the incident because I had done my punishment and learnt from it. It was the same as with the criminals that were in my dad’s prison: once their time was up, my dad treated them as any other person. If he met them downtown, he would say hello or even stop and have a conversation with them. He believes we all make mistakes, and if we accept the result with respect and ownership, we have paid our debt and can move on.

I remember the first time I learnt about suffering the consequences for my actions. I was playing catch with my friend in his backyard. The yards weren’t that big, maybe 150 feet wide by fifty feet long with eight-foot wooden fences on either side. The fence boards are vertical boards placed side by side. I was pitching and my friend was the catcher. I remember throwing a fastball that got away from me, and the ball flew wildly right and low, smack dab into a fence board. Suddenly there was a loud crack and we both started laughing as kids this age would. We continued to play for another half-hour and then I started making my way home as it is getting close to supper time.

When I got home, my dad asked me what I did that afternoon, so I proceeded to tell him that I was playing catch with my friend behind our house. Somehow in the conversation it