A Chinese Liberation Army Man’s 1989

By Cai Zheng

A memoir of a Chinese Liberation Army Man. It tells the story of a Chinese soldiers' experience during June 4th, 1989 and after that. The author, a PLA soldier at the time, was caught by the PLA near Tiananman' Square on June 5th, 1989, was tortured at the scene and then put into custody and house arrest for 8 months. Later he was discharged from the army and sent back to his home village to struggle for his own survival.
This is the most unique book about Chinese society during and after 1989. It painted a vivid picture of the Chinese society at the time. The story is so dramatic and makes some think it is fictional, but it is a true story.

This memoir was published in Chinese by Mirror Books in 2009 and banned in China.

The Chinese version of this book is available in libraries of many top universities around the world. It is a required reading for some graduate students majored in Chinese modern history in many top universities.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Cai Zheng
• Release date: Aug 4, 2021
• ISBN: 9798201167615

Cai Zheng

蔡錚 1965年生於湖北紅安。 1981-1984年於黄冈师专英語專業學習，毕业后回老家务农。 1985年10月參軍，服役於北京空軍某部。 1990年退伍后于老家中学任教。 1991-1994年於華中師大歷史系攻讀碩士學位, 毕业后就职于北京图书馆。 1996-2000年於芝加哥伊利諾斯大學攻讀社會學博士學位。 著有 回忆录《一个解放军的1989》（明镜出版舍，2009）、 短篇小说集《种子》（长江文艺，2013）、 散文集《生命的走向》（长江文艺，2013） 小说集《黄安故事》（阅文集团，2020）、 实录《贩茶美国》（掌阅， 2020）。

Book preview

Being alive is not a fact;

It yet needs to be proven to be a fact.

Contents

––––––––

The Moment

The Rules of the Custody

Political Prisoners

Escape?

My Guards

Home

The Girl

Brothers

Landing

In the Dream

Bewilderment

The Life

Father

Brothers Are All Over the World

The Dawn

The Moment

At two o’clock on June 5th, 1989, I approached Tiananmen Square. I wanted to find out what had really happened there. The wall set up by the troops still blocked the street.  Civilians were shying away from it.  The big gun points of the awkward tanks raised up like turtles’ heads.  At the eastside of the wall, the whole street became an enclave for the army.  It was like an empty skating rink.  Only a few civilians entered it by showing a pass to an officer.  —I have a military pass.  Why not use that to enter the enclave?  My heart began to beat heavily. – I am entering the nest of the wolves.  I stepped out the line of the civilians, walked my bike across the empty ground between the military line and the civilians' line.  The civilians were staring at me; the soldiers turned guns at me.  I could not turn back.  I walked close to an officer.  I was so nervous that I did not know how to speak to him.  I just showed him my pass.  The officer was quite young.  He examined my pass, then stared at me, exclaimed: You are a soldier?  How dare you walk on the street?!  Come on in!  You had better change your clothes.  Not let anyone know you are a soldier! He let me through, pushed my bike in and said: Be extremely cautious!  Take care!

Thus I was in the forbidden area. 

—I must say something to those soldiers or I will die. The army were supposed to protect people—only the Japanese animals ever came to kill civilians!  They have ruined the image of the army; they have strangled the hope of the nation.  They were killing the people to protect a few mice of the nation!  ...... I walked my bike, looked around to find someone that I could speak to.  In the shadow of a tree, a few civilians were talking to some army men.  Maybe the civilians were complaining about the cruelty of the army. It would be an opportunity for me to tell them something that they did not know. I walked toward them.  It seemed that they were surprised to see me; all of them turned to stare at me. 

I am an army man myself.  I walked close to them, I am sorry to see our army firing at the people... 

What did you say? A red-eyed officer yelled at me.

I repeated myself, shaking my head, I am sorry to see that our army fired at the people. 

All of them were silent.  The civilians were trying to escape the scene.  The officer examined me from my head to foot and asked fiercely, Where are you from?  How did you get in?

I began to feel nervous. I am from the Air Force. I fumbled in my bag, got out my pass which was a piece of paper with the stamp of our army unit on it.  He examined it. You are from the Air Force, ah?  I think you are a spy!  I will deal with you later! He waved to a soldier, Take him to the other side.  Do not let him run away! Then he turned to talk to the civilians.  The civilians stealthily looked up at me, full of horror. A soldier with an automatic rifle came over to me.  Go!

I began to sweat.  All of my freedom was confiscated.  I had to move at gunpoint. I tried to be calm.  The donkey-faced guy might doubt that I was a soldier.  I could prove it by talking to him.  But on my identification there was no steel seal.  That might be a problem.  The real problem was the pamphlets in my bag – it was like carrying explosives!  I hoped that they would not open my bag.  No, they did not have the right to open my bag.  —If they found the pamphlets, I would be in hell.  I’d better get rid of them.  Maybe I could bribe the soldier, let him allow me to throw them in back of the trees by the wall?  The soldier guarding me looked like an idiot.  He dragged his feet.  His eyes could not open fully; his uniform was dirty.  If he were from my province, my home fellow would make a joke of this and let me do whatever I wanted.  Unfortunately this guy was from the Northwest.  If I threw the pamphlets in back of the trees without his approval, he would say that I was distributing counter-revolutionary pamphlets ... I had no idea what I should do. I got confused. I hoped that guy would only confirm that I was an army man and give me a stupid lesson of his own and let me go.

I was ordered to stand by the side of the street.  Many soldiers were leaning against the wall as if they were wounded.  I looked across the street; the officer was still talking to the civilians with his hand waving up and down.  Finally, the civilians left.  The donkey-faced guy walked toward me with a dozen soldiers.  They walked faster and faster and began running.  I secretly hoped that they were not running toward me.  But it soon became obvious that they were.

When the donkey-face came close to me, he yelled: Where are you from? I told him I was from the Air Force.  Where did you get this bike? I was sweating all over. I said I picked it up on the street.  You picked it up on the street!  You stole it!  You are one of the beating, breaking and looting bandits!  Tell us, who are you? I handed him my identification.  He examined it.  Our I.D. gets the steel seal. Are you trying to fool me?  Where is the steel seal? I said I had not sent my photo to the headquarters on time, so I did not have it yet.  My pass should be enough. Suddenly he shouted, You are a fake soldier!  —Attention!  I stood straight.  Look at him, does he look like a soldier? He kicked my feet.  All the soldiers around laughed.  He shouted again, At rest!  I parted my feet.  I felt a bitter taste in my mouth.  Attention! I stood straight again. You are not a soldier; if you are, you are a bad one!  —Where is your troop’s location?  I told him the location.  I never heard of that place. You may fool others but not me!  You are a spy!  You pretend to be a soldier!  —What did you say just now? he struck me on my chest, What did you say, en? another strike.  I tried to stand up straight.  He was not expecting any answer, so I just kept my silence to wait for his wave of anger to pass.  You know they have killed how many of our brothers?  Have you seen they burned our brothers and hung them on the bridge?  Do you know how many of our brothers they have burned alive in the tanks?  You are sorry, sorry for what?  Are you an animal? He got out his pistol and struck me with the muzzle on my chest.  Where did you get the uniform?  Did you peel it off one of our brothers?  How many of our brothers have you killed? He clenched his teeth, Search him! He waved his pistol at me, I will shoot you right here if you are a spy!

My Heaven!  Please, do not search my bag!  My Heaven!  —My sweat exploded. 

Several soldiers began to search my bag; two squatted down to feel my trousers.  The soldiers shouted out loudly when they found the pamphlets. Seizing the pamphlets, the donkey-face roared, You must be a spy! Your clothes must have been peeled off our murdered brothers.  He slapped me in my face, Tell me, who sent you here! My nose was broken; blood rushed out. Something horrible was going to happen.  I was stupefied.  I backed up, but the soldiers in the back struck me on my back.  I tried to turn to left; the soldiers on my left struck me with their fists and gun butts.  Beat him to death!  Revenge for our brothers! Suddenly one roared, sounding like a thunderstorm, Put him to death!  Revenge for our brothers!

Abruptly all of them jumped at me; they kicked me, slapped me and struck me, using their fists, their gun handles and their boots.  I was knocked to the ground.  I was buried in the fists, the boots and rifle butts.

Let us hang him to revenge our brothers!  I'll get the ropes! one soldier shouted.  Suddenly they stopped.  The donkey-face took a white plastic rope from a soldier and shouted,  Let’s hang the spy!  Revenge for our brothers! He made a loop with the rope; the soldiers gave way to let him to put the loop around my neck. 

My heart exploded.  The earth below my feet split, I was falling into the abyss.  I was kicked into a sitting position on the ground.  I tried to stand up; I was knocked down again. I crooked my head to avoid the loop.  I had my hands over my head, trying to block the rope loop from being wrapped around my neck.  I screamed with all my life: Help! I am a soldier! Please don't!  Please!—Once the loop falls over my neck, they will pull it and I will extend my tongue, turn out my white eyes in a few seconds!  Their craziness is being fanned!  They will hang me on the pole, burn me in the night!  Heaven, give me strength!  Help me! Help!  ...... I collected all my strength, stood up and pushed aside those in front of me; I ran out of the circle.

—Where should I run to?  If they shoot me, that will be it!  Fifty feet away came a colonel in decent dark yellow uniform.  I ran toward him, threw myself at his feet, knelt down and hugged his feet. Please help me, help me!  I am from the Air Force!  I said something wrong; they want to hang me!  Please!  Please call my unit to confirm that I am a soldier! The colonel stopped and looked down, his brow was twisted. There was a little sympathy in his eyes.  He ordered the soldiers and the donkey-face to stop. He said to me,  Stand up and tell me what’s the matter.  He was calm and serious.  The donkey-face came over, He pretended to be a soldier; he cursed the army, and was tying to distribute counter-revolutionary pamphlets. The colonel asked where I was from.  I told him the name of our academy. I cried, Please call our army unit immediately, or just call the Air Force, they will tell you about me.  He hesitated for a moment, then ordered, Stop!  Make an investigation.  I begged again, Please take me with you!  Please!  Please help me! -–If I was left on the street, those crazy soldiers would kill me. We will have an investigation.  OK? He turned to the donkey-face, Wait for my order. Take him away.  Two soldiers pulled me up and dropped by the red wall.

The donkey-face had the ropes; he kicked me down on the ground to tie my feet.  If it was not for the commissar, you would be in hell!  We can not kill you during the day.  I will cut you to pieces at night! He asked a soldier to pull the other end of the rope to let it cut into my bone.  He tied my two hands behind my back. We will finish you tonight when there is nobody around!  I will get some gas and burn you!  Just wait! the donkey-face said before he left. 

I sat by the red wall, sweating heavily. The soldiers constantly came over to beat me. One guy put the burning butt of his cigarette on my foot, I will let you try the taste of being burned! He thrust it there tightly.  The sharp pain pieced in, I could not help screaming.  He laughed like an ape.  When the fire of the cigarette had almost died out, in haste he smoked it, then used his finger to tip off the ash and planted it on my foot again.  Finally the cigarette reached its end, and the fire was out. He threw away the butt, spitting out the words: Wait!  We will burn you to ash tonight! 

A middle-aged guy with a light machine gun on his shoulder came near me.  His face was sharp with protruding bones.  His two eyes looked like two knives sticking out. His dress showed that he was someone with special power: he worn a thin civilian shirt and very expensive shining black sandals.  He walked toward me with the look of fatal enemy.  Aiming his gun at me, he clenched his teeth, Tell me, who sent you here!  If you dare to lie, I will give you a dozen bullets right now! His words were thrown at me like rocks.  He must have gotten the authority to kill me.  He had his fingers at the trigger.  All my muscles, strength and mind were pulled up to prepare to receive the bullets.  I was shivering inside.  My soul was on the bow of the arrow, ready to jump out of my body.  I had both my eyes focused on his finger at the trigger. In lightening speed, he gave me a powerful kick and another strike on my head with the steel butt: Tell me! The strike was so powerful; I was knocked over onto the ground.  The black gun barrel followed to aim at my eyes.  I could not sit up straight.  I told him that I was a soldier without identification.  They were investigating that to confirm I was a soldier.  I really want to give you a shower of bullets right now! He kicked me and gave me another strike, I leave you here for a while.  We will get rid of you at night.  I will kill you myself! He gave me another kick, then walked away.  I felt just like a train had rolled over me. My whole body turned to mud.

An officer, who had a black face, with his sleeves pushed up, searched my bag and found my diary.  After he read a page I had written on, he yelled scornfully, You think the universe is too small for you?  You want fresh air!  What a dirty bourgeoisie corrupted thought!  How rotten and immoral your thoughts are!  You are a soldier!  You are a shame to the army! He slapped my face with the book.  I was very lucky that I had not been keeping up with my diary writing those days. You are not satisfied with the great achievements of our great motherland?  This is the root of your counter-revolutionary behavior! I preferred being beaten than listening to his political lesson.

I feared seeing any soldier coming toward me. But all the pain caused by the beating was nothing comparing to the pain caused by the ropes and the sun. The ropes were like knives; they were squeezing in deeper and deeper into my bones.  The needles of pain pieced into my heart, and kept piecing in. The pain slapped at me like sea waves. I clenched my teeth to overcome the strong waves of pain caused by the ever-cutting ropes.  Sweat rushed out, one wave after another.  The sun was baking me.  It was as though I was in a stove.  After a while I ceased sweating.  My mouth was burning.  My heart was burning.  I saw darkness.  Smoke arose from my burned body.  My consciousness was leaving me like the smoke.  —No. I must keep my mind and body together.  I must!  I must be conscious to prepare to protect my life when someone comes to kill me.  I used all my energy to control my breath, trying to keep my soul and body together.  The strong waves of pain, thirst, heat kept striking me; I used all my life to try to keep my head above the fire and smoke, to keep myself breathing. 

The hot day finally ended.  Streetlights were turned on.  Soldiers with steel helmets and heavy boots began marching on the street, one array after another. Some had silver sticks held aright in their hands, like the leader of a marching band. Their boots clanked on the ground. They shouted: One!  Two!  Three!  Four!  The noise surpassed thunder. It was like a foreign army had just conquered the city.  They were showing their power to the people they had just conquered. In the dizzying evening light, their uniforms, their boots, their helmets and faces looked exactly the same.  The thunderous shouting, the thundering clank of their boots, the wooden appearances of the soldiers made me shiver. They were really powerful; they could crash the whole country.  —Those robots, good heavens! 

Just after the march ended, two baby-faced soldiers came by.  Hi, home fellow. the younger one said to me, Why are you here?! His voice was full of sorrow.  He said he was from a county next to mine.  What could I do for you, home fellow? They were so sincere.  I was dried up.  My throat was burning.  The blood in my brain was stuck.  Even if they did not kill me tonight, I would soon die of thirst.  Water would extend my life hours longer!  I said I needed some water.  He immediately opened his canteen, put the open toward my mouth, Drink slowly.  I drank and drank. How wonderful to have the sweet, cool water at such a moment!  Are you hungry? Sorry we have no food.  We have had no food since we came here.  We will have some tonight.  I finished all the water.  More? I nodded. He ran to a water fountain nearby.  In a moment he came back, he held the canteen toward my mouth again.  I finished another canteen of water.  I was so satisfied.  The split earth got wet, the withered leaves began to straighten up.  I whispered in our local dialect, May I say something to you? He looked at the guard,  OK, that guy is in my unit.  Please inform my girlfriend.  I told him Ling’s work address.  I must let her know that I was captured and killed here.  He said they were not allowed to do that now, but he would try after he finished his term in the army.  Just after he repeated Ling’s address, the soldier guarding me yelled at him, Haven't you had enough time?  Go away! He said: He needs some water.  I said, I do not know how to express my gratitude, home fellow.  He said, Home fellow, sorry, I have to go!  Our squad leader asked us not to stay too long.  He is also our home fellow.  He wants to come to see you later.  Take care! I said: Take care.  He left in a hurry. 

The streetlights were bluish.  I was slipping into hell.  I could not stop it.  I was tied up.  A guard with an earthly face holding his automatic rifle stood besides me.  —Could I persuade him to loosen the ropes a little bit or even better, to let me go?  He would get punishment, but no death penalty. He has a heart. If it was me, I would save the life of others for a little sacrifice of my own.  This might be the last chance for me to get out of the teeth of death. If my feet and hands were loosened, I could walk on the street like any other soldier.  I could pass the wall two hundred meters away, get out of this hell in one minute.  Why not have a try? 

Hello, where are you from? I asked the guard.  He did not respond.  I repeated the question.

None of your business! he said angrily. 

No hope. But I could at least ask him to relieve my pain a little bit. Could you loosen the ropes a little bit?

Shut up!  You should be glad we've kept you alive till now!

It was a waste to beg this dumb guy.  Just save my energy. 

In the evening, another two officers approached me.  One had a baby face; the other had an automatic rifle in his hand.  They squatted down by me.  The baby face took out the books of my poems, Are these counter-revolutionary pamphlets?  Poetry. I said.  The baby face picked up one and read a few lines, Where did you get these? I said I printed them.  Who wrote these?  I.  You? He waved a book at me, Can you understand these poems? I said calmly, I wrote them.  No, do not try to fool me! He shook his head.  Minutes later he changed his tone, What are you? I said I was an English instructor in a flying academy,  If you like, you can have them.  Both of them said nothing; the other officer took out a package of cigarettes and offered me one.  I shook my head.  I could not smoke it with hands tied behind my back.  After reading more of the poems, the baby face shook his head, It is too great a pity.  I am very sorry for you.  You are going to be handled tonight.  You should not have come here.  I could not have your books. Though I was pleased that he liked my poems, what he said threw me across the line.  I expected to hear from him that all the talk of the stupid soldiers was nonsense.  But he confirmed that they were going to kill me in the night.  He knew what they were going to do to me.  I am sorry.  He sighed, shook his head sadly, and took leave with the other officer. 

—Tomorrow I will not be able to walk from one place to another.  I will not be able to stand in front of other people, sit below a tree, lie on a piece of lawn with my feet extended, hands under my head.  Now I can extend my mind to land anywhere anytime in the future; I can walk on the road I used to walk on when I was a kid; I can accompany the kids yet to be born, walk among them; the same sunshine like lukewarm fire will be dancing around the road, one year later, one hundred years later, one thousand years later—as far as the road exits, as long as the grass along the road grows.  However, I will not be there.  This life of mine has been existing in the universe from the very beginning of the universe.  It had survived in a drop of water, it had existed in a particle of dust, it had existed in the life of a tiny creature; it had been living in my ancestors millions years ago.  My ancesters fought with other animals, struggled in snow storms, crawled into caves in showers, and wrapped me in their arms to protect me.  Father saved a peanut he picked up in the fields to bring to me; I got up at three o’clock in the morning to exercise to build stature, I read by the small lamp light in the cold night to enrich my soul ...... All my ancesters and I have done was just for me to be destroyed by a small bullet or a sharp knife by some insane soldiers and to become a string of smoke for a few words I had said? 

—What should I be sad for?  Sooner or later I will disappear from this world.  If my life ends today, that only shortens my stay in this world.  Does it make any difference if I live another seventy years or die today?  —Oh, my heaven, I have not prepared to die so abruptly, I am not ready!  My life, this body, this soul, the power and ability to think, to write and to act, has never been utilized!  The life I absorbed from others’ life has yet to be transformed.  I should be given enough time to store my life in something.  I have taken in life from the air, from water, from the sunlight, from all the existence of the nature; from the food I ate, from the clothes I wore, from the books I read, from all the substances created by human beings to form this life of mine; once it is formed, it should be stored in my work.—A farmer stores his life in the rice he produces, a musician stores his life in the music he creates, a singer stores his life in the songs he sings, a painter stores his life in the painting he paints, a poet stores his life in the poetry he writes.  There is life in the Egyptian sculpture created six thousand years ago; the lives of the carvers are dancing in it.  There is life in the Great Wall; the builders’ lives are twisting in it.  There is life in the Classics of Poetry; the poets’ lives are flying in it.  —Everything created by human beings carries the life of the creators. Every human should store their life horizontally in something they created and to store their life vertically in their children.  A few people in the world could store their unique life and keep it for the future.  Where would my life be stored?  I had dreamed of passing it on thousands of years later.  I have written poems.  Few of my poems could resist the erosion of time and penetrate the space to reach the souls existing in other space and time.  My life should be stored in my works; a thousand years later, another human being with soul, chewing the words I wrote, would tremble with me and shed tears with me.  He would know the unique soul of mine had existed in this universe at this time and this place.  But they will not give me time.  I can neither pass on my life horizontally or vertically.  My life will be cut short here!  Nobody will know that I, with such a shape, with such a soul, have struggled, loved, dreamed, and cried in this world!  My eyes will be gone, the blue sky, the bright sunshine and the beautiful landscape that often makes me thrill will no longer enter my mind.  This I, consisting of flesh, blood and bones will become black ash and green smoke, rise into the sky, disappear in the wind.  —At the moment when my body is smashed, will my soul jump out of it?  Will it become a little bird or a butterfly?  It must become something!  How could I, with such a strong body, such a vibrating soul end like this!  I must become something to fly to those I love, to land on the tree near them, sing a sad song or just wave wings to let them know that I am gone!  I must rise from the pile of my ashes in the form of a bird, a butterfly, or a small bug, to live on in this world!  I can not be gone only in the form of ash and smoke!  No. There is a soul in this body!  It must become something to exist in this world!  At the very least it should become a string of air that could control itself, fly into the sky in a unified cluster of air, fly above the clouds independently; it can get together, form different shapes, land at various places, appear in different colors.  ......

—If father knows I am dead, how will he survive? Brothers may think that I will manage to escape any disaster and even flee the country.  They will comfort themselves and their children in the belief that I will come back with great glory years later.  Just like father comforted us regarding my uncle: he might appear in front of the village on a white horse.  I had dreamed of my uncle since I was a kid.  He would stop by our house, pull me up to sit on the back of his horse to take me to heaven.  He was active in the late 20's in the revolution in my hometown.  Later many of his comrades became generals; one of them, Li Xiannian, had become the president and now the Chairman of Political Consulting; the other one, Qin Jiwei, is the Minister of Defense.  At the very moment, Chairman Li and Minister Qin are sleeping in beds inside the red wall behind me, maybe just a few hundred meters away from me.  When uncle disappeared, he was only 18 years old.  He was asked to attend a meeting; nobody knew what had really happened to him. Father said uncle often sang International Song like this: Raise up, let me put my penis in your mouth (Ji Ba Sai Zai Li Kou Li) .  (The first sentence of the song should be Raise up, Slaves living in hunger and cold! (Ji Han Jiao Po De Lu Li ) ) If somebody reported this to the authorities, definitely he would have begotten disaster at the time.  In the early 30’s, the Red Army killed hundreds of their own comrades to cleanse the army. At that time, they did not have enough bullets.  They chopped off people’s heads, hung people, stoned people to death or knocked people on the back of their heads with hoes.  How was uncle killed?  Did he die without much pain or experienced a lasting pain?  The sharp pain at the moment he was cut through by a sharp knife or knocked by a hoe only felt by himself.  Nobody could feel the horror and pain he experienced—except me at this moment. Now I was in ropes as uncle was sixty years ago.  I would get a better treatment; now, the army does not have to begrudge me a few bullets.  They have plenty of them.  —My heaven!  Should our family sacrifice two lives for the same unclear cause?

—I have yet to prove that I have been in this world!  This can not happen to me!  I must escape!  —How can I escape?  All around me are soldiers.  I even do not know whether my feet and hands are still mine.  I can not feel them.  If only I had the capability of a magician to get rid of the ropes and become invisible!  If only I could run faster than the bullet, and fly over the wall to the other side of the street!  —Is there a God? Is there a Buddha?  Who can rescue me?  How can my life be ending like this?! 

......

Gun shoots occasionally came from the west and the east.  In the bluish light, a few soldiers fully armed moved in line.  The bluish light on the soldiers’ yellowish clothes, the dark trees and the streets made the whole world around