I Shouldn't Be Here

By Ray Lee Gabriels

"It’s beautiful
Your life, the overwhelming happiness and excruciating pain
The disappointments and hurt you've hidden behind a battered heart
The beauty is that despite it all, you're still here"
- Ray Lee Gabriels

Are you or anyone you know currently in a dark cloud of depression?

Depression and suicide are conversations less discussed in social circles and is the cause
of thousands of deaths per year.

At times hope might seem far off and like you're the only one stuck in this rut of loneliness.

This book serves to show you how a young teenager made it out despite thoughts of suicide constantly plaguing his mind.

From the first poem to the last, you'll be embarking on a journey that spans over 16 years.

In this raw and transparent tour that begins in the pit of darkness and ends at the feet of light; you'll see how no one is immune to the smothering grip of depression, and how some make it out alive.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ray Lee Gabriels
• Release date: Jun 13, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005105341

Ray Lee Gabriels

Born and raised in Cape Town, South Africa. Called to profess Jesus Christ as the only means to eternal life. I am but a servant of the most high God fulfilling His will for my life by writing for His honor and glory alone.

Book preview

Acknowledgements

Firstly to the strong and wise woman who birthed and raised me, Jennifer Gabriels. Your guidance and words spoken to me have not fallen on deaf ears. Although in my youth I’ve caused more pain than joy; your words have not just been engraved into my mind but onto my heart. I must’ve been 9 years old when you read an article in the newspaper in silence as I played beside you. You looked at me while holding the newspaper and said, Do you know Ray… People who take their own lives are cowards.

Years later those words rung through my head and I however didn’t want to be a coward. Your only son at the age of 16 contemplated suicide. Those same words echoed through my mind as I was deciding between slitting my wrists or overdosing on pills. I didn’t want to be a coward. At that time I didn’t want to be like my dad who I’ve never met; to me, he was a coward, someone who ran away from responsibility.

You put us men to shame. I am yet to meet a man more strong-willed than you. Thank you for being a mother and so much more. I love and appreciate you, my beautiful mother.

To my late-night teacher Anita Hallgreen Pauli, you’ve cultivated the craft I now escape in. The late nights we spent dissecting poetry has shaped the way I approach each blank page. You removed the dust in my mind concerning Gods word and how I perceived it. You lead me to the Psalms of David; I was amazed how The Bible could hold such words and from such a man. He wrote about his despair, anger and love. I thought men of God were meant to be joyful no matter what they faced. You pointed out how similar he and I were. How human we all are. Thank you for reminding me that I’m only human. These words remind me to remain humble.

To my sister Tatum Faulkner, who’s inherited our mother’s fiery flame and selfless nature. You’ve not just inspired me but have shown me that the sky isn’t the limit. You’ve made the things that seemed impossible, possible. You’ve broadened the horizons I thought only revolved around the neighborhood we lived in. For this I thank you.

To my better half, Jade Gabriels my wife. Your smile keeps me smiling. Your kind heart and love for humanity has given me hope and made life even more beautiful. Thank you for standing with me through the storms that at times have made our house their home. You are my best friend and my love for you gets dwarfed in comparison to the love God had for me, when giving me you. I love and thank you.

To the rest of my family and friends who have tolerated me. You’ve given me reasons to aggressively pursue that which isn’t yet tangible. Whether directly or indirectly; you’ve fuelled this flame and I am grateful for that.

To the one who has made this possible, my God and saviour Jesus Christ. To you my redeemer I dedicate this book. You saw it fight to use someone as imperfect and flawed as me. Thank you for your mercy and grace that sustained me even through the days where I turned away from you. May your name forever be glorified, praised and lifted high my King.

Introduction to poems written in the dark

I have split the poetry I have written over the years into 4 different periods of my life. The poems that follow hereafter are the first poems I’ve written. This compilation of poetry I wrote from the age of 14 to 16. During the years from 2005 to 2007.

The poems you are about to read were written during a dark period of my life. Writing, was one of the few escapes I had while battling depression. The battle I had with thoughts of suicide echo throughout this time. 

These are my first attempts of writing poetry. The emotions and sometimes lack of emotions were too much to keep within a standard poetic structure. I’ve tried keeping the poems in their original form. For the sake of truth, I’ve to some extent stripped the vulgar words I used during this period of my life. I kept it mostly intake to not remove away from the emotion of the poems they’re used in.

Nonetheless, only truth can shed light in the darkness. I’ve done my best to keep it so.

Concrete Man

As I stand on my own two feet

A hand reaches out trying to lift me out from the concrete

Already hardened by this hardship when I was born 

Wounds from the outside not healing, for my inside has been torn

The concrete gets harder as the day gets colder

Reach out for my right hand as the world is leaning on that shoulder

Free me from this imprisonment my hands bound by chains

The one who rules this world seeks the blood in my veins

As I stand on my own two feet 

A hand reaches out trying to lift me out from the concrete

Words don’t count, since no one needs to hear

Within me I cry myself a river, outside I shed no tear

I shout, I spit and I scream

Someone wake me up for I am living an everlasting dream

Why don’t I smile, laugh or sing

No need to try for what joy does it bring 

There’s nothing I’ve found

Cannot spread my wings since my feet won’t leave the ground

As I stand on my own two feet 

A hand reaches out trying to lift me out from the concrete

I’m surrounded by darkness, I do not need my eyes

I have not shed a tear but yet you heard my cries

I’ve waited for you but you were always there

When I thought no one listened, no one cared

Fear made me feel like I was being shaken 

You’ve pulled me out of this concrete now the chains are breaking

As I stand on my own two feet 

A hand reached out and pulled me out of the concrete

Jenny Wren

Jenny Wren let us leave this place and fly away

Where war is on no one's mind, only peace we can find on the next day

Let’s leave behind tears sadness and death

To fly to a place where we can inhale fresh air and not run out of breath

Let’s go to a place where the streets are gold 

Because I’ve grown harder with no father and my heart is still cold

Let’s find better days, better ways of finding some sunshine 

A place where enemies don’t exist and no need to pull a tight fist or make as if we blind

Let’s find a place where people live and not make anyone else die

A place where children’s laughter fills the clean air and none of them cry

A place where fathers don’t run away from what they can’t handle 

And a place where people don’t cause trouble or scandal

Let’s go to a place where you don’t feel trapped like a bird in a cage

A place where everyone doesn’t die because of violence but only of old age

Let’s leave to a city where everyone passes and no one fails

A place where it says welcome and everyone prevails 

Jenny Wren lets fly to the end of time where everything is said and done

A place where we can live in peace and no need to have fear for a harmless gun

Dried up tears

If words could kill

How many people would be dead

How many people would die for the things I’ve said

I can’t cry, they’re all dried up tears

I’ve been trying to free myself from chains for all these years

Darkness getting to dark for me to see

It’s choking the light which is trying to free me

No warmth because my blood’s still cold

People pulling me down and there’s nothing on which to hold

So let me fall, I have nothing to live for

Save me from myself for this life is nothing worth living in anymore

Breaking point

The point I don’t want to reach because death one of the options

Trying to keep it in but it's ready to come out since murder one of the actions

That it’s forcing me to take, pages are not enough to write on

I wonder if they’ll notice when a shining star is gone?

Is rest in peace a promise just waiting to be broken?

My anger wants to speak, so shall I let its words be spoken?

I got no need for smiles, there’s no one to smile at

Will, there be peace if we can go to a place way back

So much anger inside that I want to get out

So many f*n tears waiting to break free, I wonder what it’s about

I think they should see, but who knows if this is me?

Who else could it be? I’m waiting for that point when it all comes in

So much hate trying to break in, trying to be hopeful I wonder what it brings

No good gifts