The Diary of a Recovering Addict

By Claudia Wahome

My name is Claudia Nduta Wahome and I am a recovering addict. I was 23 years old when I began writing this book. I have been to five recovery/rehabilitation centres, one of which I returned to and produced this book.

I became well acquainted with more narcotic substances than I can name, and have struggled with other addictions – but have recovered from them all. I have also attended multiple schools and have seen the drug world in four strangely similar different countries.

I am currently pursuing a Psychology Degree with the intention of helping other addicts find this freedom which we all deserve.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Claudia Wahome
• Release date: Jul 5, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005259174

Book preview

PREFACE

I wrote this book as a guideline to recovery thinking. We see recovery and get recovery from the outside, and only if we want it – by our will – is there a transformation of the mindset, which is effective from within. The aim of this book is for us to take in each daily message and expand it for ourselves, all the while looking at how it can relate to you.

When I speak of substances or subjects of addiction or drugs, it is all inclusive, and I could be referring to any drugs or narcotics, alcohol, pornography, sex, self-harm, etc. This book applies to the recovery from all types of addictions and would be an excellent book for groups (for addicts) to refer to. It has been written following my experiences and years spent in active addiction – the time when I actively indulged in taking substances I was addicted to.

The content of this book also makes good topics for discussion at meetings for addicts. I would have preferred, if resources had been available, to sell this book with a notepad and pen. It is an interactive book. The entire project can be linked together – on some days more than others – therefore, where any reference is made which should be relooked, then take note of it and return to it when needed and reread the message.

What comes out of ourselves, produced by our own minds, can be the most powerful message for our recovery. In your alone time, note your thoughts and later review them and watch the transformation. Watch the transformation as recovery becomes even more alive to you. This book expresses points I saw in myself, that were in need of correction and attention, and could also be of great assistance to others as well.

This book is also meant to assist addicts who have started their recovery and who are not using any substances to attack any blind spots, as well as to make sure the chances for a relapse are reduced.

To make the reader – who like myself may also be recovering from addiction – feel the support and unity in fighting addiction, the plural form is mostly used, e.g., us, and we. Furthermore, if the phrase using is used, it is in reference to taking the drug/substance of choice.

Join me in recovering from suffering. Enjoy!

Day

1

Why ignore the signs?

When a storm comes, we see the dark clouds draw nearer and nearer. What we should do is retreat and take cover. We should call out for help because two is better than one, and three is unbreakable.

Don’t ignore the signs because what is coming could end it all.

This is recovery. Take action.

Day

2

We were slaves. Slaves to our addiction. Addiction is about loss of control. Addiction forcefully held the remote that we were falsefully lured to give to it. Recovery is the fight to get the remote back so we can destroy it.

God has brought recovery to you. Recover to freedom. Active addiction is like sharply studded chains that hurt, but even though they hurt, we would rather stay in the chains because any movement hurts even more! Any effort to stand up and walk away is suicidal. That is an illusion! Recovery is the key to unlocking the chains. Recovery is the key to freedom.

Relapse means going back to look for the chains, finding them, painfully putting them back on, locking them and throwing the key out of reach – far enough away that you need help to get it back.

Day

3

We should not deny or separate ourselves from our histories of addiction or substance abuse. There is value in remembering, but not obsessing, over these events. These events – some of them tragedies – have shaped the people we are today. Our identities, which we need to know and shape and appreciate, are a result of these. These histories show us who we were, who we are now, and who we want to be. They play a crucial role in helping us avoid making the same mistakes.

Day

4

We need to get into the habit of finishing things. I am someone who would start something, do well at it, but then as the end approaches, I would scream CUT! and stop everything. I would sometimes be blessed with grace and be given the opportunity to give it a second try, but the problem of not finishing things would still win the round.

To overcome this we need to start somewhere. Start by finishing something. I went to a rehabilitation centre that had a one-year programme – but I left when I was about halfway through. I went back, was adamant to leave after three months, but I stuck at it and it was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

There will be days while writing this book when I will feel like putting the pen down, but I know that finishing this book will be another rewarding experience. Finishing things has rewards. Perseverance is immensely rewarding.

Day

5

Look at yourself and how far you have come, and regardless of how close it looks, make no comparisons. We should look at the people who have been in recovery as good examples of change that is possible. Transformation can be our reality, which means we should not look at our addiction, circumstances or what and who is around us like there is nothing that can be done about. If that is the case, then we might as well just let it go and give up. The fact that we are alive means no situation is hopeless.

If we think nothing can be done about it, that is the wrong mindset and the wrong attitude. Just the fact that it is possible, and seeing examples of it has an effect on us, that is hope. It starts to transform our mindset regarding recovery and gives us the needed energy to go on. Recovery from addiction is a war of the mind where we fight for the right to once again possess our mind.

Day

6

We all have questions. Some of us obsess over the questions and cannot separate ourselves and let go of looking for the answers. I believe we must search and find answers. However, it is a harsh reality that there are some things we will not find the answers to, and that is when we must be content to let it go and move on. In the meantime, search for things on the map, search for better things. Some of the answers are meant to find us and not vice versa.

Day

7

Some of us believe the source of our joy is either the people around us – or for many of us – the substances we are taking. Joy is something we choose to have regardless of what is happening around us or on the outside. Joy is inside. You can choose to have joy, to be happy. It’s all in you. Joy is not something we receive as a gift from someone. Joy is not something placed inside of us by a substance. Love, joy, peace are all decisions we either take or leave.

Day

8

Suicide – it is never the answer.

Hope, believing, just a little bit of faith, is always the answer. Suicide can never be undone. It will never be fixed or changed whereas the problem can be solved one way or another, sooner or later. If you have lost your way, you can still find your way back.

Day

9

Better days are yet to come. Goals will be achieved. What is challenging about turning goals into a reality is the time we waste regretting and wishing we could go back into the past to change things. It is only now that we have power over our future. We can decide to take action now and to stay on the road that goes to where we want to be tomorrow.

But what happens is sometimes we watch other people’s lives and their progress, achieving their goals. The fact is simple: when we are not putting something in, it means we will not get something out. Take action.

Day

10

I cannot overemphasise the importance of sustainable seclusion. This can be defined as needed and beneficial alone time. Some of us are not able to get alone time in active addiction, either voluntarily or otherwise. Take time to learn about that person who was hidden behind the substance. Know your past and become acquainted with your future plans, your likes and dislikes, your challenges and your talents. A problem we had before was that we could not manage to manoeuvre in this person, thus resulting in us using the substance. It was an illusion of a compass.

But once we know a place, we will then be able to know what leads to where something can be found.

Day

11

Today’s message is about just that: today! Today, for us, is not where it begins but where we restart. It is of importance to remember yesterday, but not to dwell there. The troubles of yesterday should be learnt from and reserved as lessons, but not carried into today.

We may be going through the worst time, the most painful time, what seems like an endless heart-breaking time, but the dawn is coming and it is always darkest before the dawn.

Stop looking at where you have come from but rather look at where you are going to. New beginnings are ours, for those who are willing to take them. The darkness will go – unless we stay in yesterday. In recovery the delusional joys of the substances leave us, and the joys of reality settle in. As addicts, one thing we should never run out of – although it may be more or less at times – is hope (not doubt). We must have hope that above everything, we can reach the status of being a recovered addict. By above everything, I mean no matter what happens in your life, what stays afloat is your recovery.

Stop making yesterday today. Leave it where it is, behind you, in the past.

Transformational growth happens to our recovery when we overcome any suffering we go through, as we fight the pull to take the substance we were addicted to, the heavy pull of addiction that loses more and more strength with time.

Day

12

People, places and things are such weighty topics of discussion so it’s best to tackle them individually, keeping in mind there are always two sides to a story, a good side and a bad side.

People: There are certain people who are able to easily get us to do bad or remain bad. Sometimes we do not focus on good people or give them the time of day, but it is often these relationships that are just what we need. Our addiction can cause us to neglect or ignore some people whereas they are the lifeline we need to grab hold of.

Places: I have found that different places fit in with different moments. Likewise, there are different places that are fit for different people. Once we choose to change the life we have lived, we can no longer be in the places we used to be in before. Do not test your strength or endurance. These tests are not meant to be set by us and neither will we know when and where we will be tested – but we need to always remain ready. To prepare our readiness, we need to go to places sustainable for our recovery, sustainable for our spiritual health, our mental health and our physical health.

Things: The lives we have lived before required things to assist us to get the substance of choice, which is also a thing in itself. Furthermore, there are certain rituals we would perform after taking substances – such as a playlist, a place or a person, habit, etc – and all of these things must change. We should not continue to take part in anything that is related to the substance, how we took it, or what we did when taking it, because it will keep the