By an Addict, for an Addict: Or for Anyone Just Wanting to Understand

By Mark Andersch

This book is not just your typical story of one mans battle with his addictions but a comprehensive guide through the recovery process for addicts, the families of addicts, and the addicted loved ones in our lives.

With over twenty years of his life spent addicted to drugs, sex, self-mutilation, gambling, alcohol, and prescription pills, Mark has already earned his PhD in addiction psychology and addictive behaviors.

Assembled from a copious array of his own knowledge and life experiences, the wisdom and experiences of other addicts (both actively using and those in recovery), obtainable educational materials, countless hours of one-on-one, family, and group therapy sessions, and actual implementation throughout the last four years of his everyday life, Mark peels back the many layers of his addictions in an all-out attempt to wage war and win against the constant daily battles inside his head.

Fraught with countless failures, relapses, and mental setbacks, his heart bleeds onto these pages the emotional and psychological pain that addiction has brought into his life and the lives of those who love him, for addiction doesnt discriminate whom it tears apart!

With a fervent love of cinema and superheroes, an adoration of history spanning all eras of civilization, and an unquenchable desire for intellectual wealth and knowledge through the absorption of books, Mark projects a calming sense of reasoning and logic all without shying away from the exploration of his own vulnerabilities and of his own demons in a last-ditch attempt to break the cycle of addiction.

Join him on his journey of self-discoveryour journey of self-discovery! Learn from his life experiences living as an addict. Expand on what he has applied to his own life, and transform it into your own applications so that together we can finally begin to see that the battle to regain our self-worth and defeat our addictions or understand a loved one living in addiction is a winnable one after all!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Jul 30, 2016
• ISBN: 9781524501723

Book preview

Copyright © 2016 by Mark Andersch.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2016908115

ISBN:      Hardcover      978-1-5245-0209-6

                Softcover        978-1-5245-0208-9

                eBook             978-1-5245-0172-3

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Rev. date: 08/16/2016

Xlibris

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CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Foreword

Intro

Why

Stuck

Visualize

Big Al Jones

Shut Up And Listen

Hope And Trust

Keep Going

Triggers

Please Hear What I Am Not Saying

A Piece Of Gold/A Pile Of Mud

Hurting People Hurt Others

Pink Clouds

The Art Of War With Our Addictions

Sow

Revisualize

The Little Addict That Could

Paradox

Tick Tock, Tick Tock… Boom!

The Gas Tank

An Incarnation Of Immortality

Relapse/RENÉ

That Other Four-Letter Word

Focus, Daniel-San

Letting Go Of Friends

I Hurt Myself Today

F.E.A.R.

The S.I.D.’s Chain

Epistolography

My Ode To Leonardo

Four Life-Changing Tools

Oneirology

Addicted To Addiction

Super Munch

The Golden Apple Of Discord

Epilogue

About the author

References

THIS BOOK IS

DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH ADDICTION, AND ALL THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND!

This book was written by me solely for the educational purposes of how we as addicts, as well as the families and loved ones of addicts, can begin to develop an understanding of how addiction truly encompasses ALL our everyday lifestyles.

Through this understanding, we will begin to see how, when we apply the work we must do on ourselves, recovery is possible for us all!

For almost four years I have been working on my recovery. It has not been all sunshine and rainbows! However, I have come across many wonderfully enlightening books that have helped and still help me to this day.

Many ideas I have developed completely on my own while others I was fortunate enough to have discovered while doing the work on myself. I will show how we can apply these ideas as well as others that weren’t even conceived of in the specific dealings of addiction and recovery.

Through the application of my ideas, as well as the ideas of said authors and their works, I was able to not only expand my knowledge but also transform these basic fundamentals into extremely useful tools that amplified my recovery.

I encourage you to expand on my ideas and research the same ones that I have discovered. Through application, transform them into your own extraordinary tools to carry throughout your journey!

I by NO means have or have had all the answers! Shit, if I did I could have been successful in my recovery a long time ago and prevented countless relapses!

The more work I do on educating myself, the application of that education, and my own ideas and interpretations; I am beginning to see that I AM WORTH MORE THAN A LIFE OF ADDICTION! WE ALL ARE!

I completely and wholeheartedly credit all those authors whose ideas or scientific research helped me to educate myself throughout my continuing journey of recovery. To the best of my knowledge and free of any malice whatsoever, I try to strictly adhere to the US Copyright Act of 1976, the US Copyright Fair Use Index, and all their current amendments pertaining to Fair Use and Transformative Use codified by the doctrine of Fair Use.

At the back of my book, I have included all the books and their authors who were inspirational to me on my journey so that you may enlighten yourselves as I have. Read them, read me, expand on our ideas, and apply them in your lives! Keep working! Recovery is possible for us all!

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

EVERLASTING THANKS TO ARTHUR, FOR IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU, I WOULD HAVE NEVER BEGUN WRITING THIS BOOK!

EVERLASTING THANKS TO SARAH, FOR IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU, I WOULD HAVE NEVER FINISHED WRITING THIS BOOK!

"CAMINANTE, NO HAY CAMINO.

SE HACE CAMINO AL ANDAR"

-ANTONIO MACHADO

From his poem

Campos de Castilla

which translates in its original context as

"WANDERER, THERE IS NO ROAD,

THE ROAD IS MADE BY WALKING!"

FOREWORD

Hi, my name is Mark, and I’m a grateful recovering addict! I am thirty-four years old and have lived the last seventeen years of my life as an ADDICT! On April 1, 2012, I began the journey to live my life as a GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICT! LIVING A SOBER LIFE!

My life, with my addictions (which consisted of coke, sex, marijuana, pills, heroin, ecstasy, alcohol, and gambling), was not worse than or better off than anyone else’s. WE ARE ALL ADDICTS! What I am learning is that we can be GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICTS! We must realize that WE ARE WORTH IT! WE MUST WANT IT FOR OURSELVES! WE MUST FIGHT EVERY DAY!

I am putting in as much work as I did to ensure I got high, as I am now doing to ensure I GET AND STAY SOBER! I AM WORTH IT, AND SO ARE YOU!

Throughout my time in an intensive outpatient program, in NA (Narcotics Anonymous), educating myself, and in my own research and thoughts, I am beginning to peel back the layers of myself and understand my addictions. I am not a doctor by any means, in the medical definition of the word, but I AM A DOCTOR OF MY ADDICTIONS! WE ALL ARE! I HAVE A PHD IN HURTING MYSELF! WE ALL DO! I HAVE A PHD IN HURTING THOSE AROUND ME WHOM I LOVE THE MOST AND WHO LOVE ME! WE ALL DO! NOW, I’M TRYING FOR MY PHD AS A GRATEFUL RECOVERING ADDICT! WE ALL CAN!

Thanks to the experience, strength, and hope shared with me by other grateful recovering addicts; addicts still in the grip of their addictions; my thoughts, research, and listening to the wisdom available to me through NA meetings and literature; and authors, counselors, and doctors (who have written about or studied addiction, worked with addicts, recovery, and the brain), I am able to begin living my life WITH LOVE FOR MYSELF AND OTHERS! YOU MUST DO THE WORK! YOUR OWN HOMEWORK, EVERY DAY! FIND WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU! IT IS TRIAL AND ERROR! THERE WILL BE ERROR! BE PREPARED FOR THAT! Whether you have less than twenty-four hours or greater than twenty-four years sober, YOU HAVE TO OR HAVE HAD TO START SOMEWHERE! YOUR DAY 1! Every day, I must work to learn to grow and to give back. This can never end! But what a wonderful, never-ending, loving journey it will be!

In the back, I have listed books I have read so that you too can expand your own knowledge, and relate and apply it to YOUR INDIVIDUAL RECOVERY! Attend meetings, for there is a great abundance of acceptance, love, wisdom (far beyond books), experiences, and wonderful people forever present who want TO LIVE SOBER LIVES… AND TRULY LIVE!

It is ultimately about giving back to others, being grateful every day, and loving you! I will always give credit to those people whose ideas, theories, stories, knowledge, and wisdom (with anonymity when required) that were not my own. THEY GAVE TO ME FREELY SO THAT I CAN GRATEFULLY AND FREELY GIVE BACK TO YOU!

I HAVE BEEN IMPRESSED WITH THE URGENCY OF DOING. KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH; WE MUST APPLY. BEING WILLING IS NOT ENOUGH; WE MUST DO.

-LEONARDO DA VINCI

INTRO

One of my favorite bands, Linkin Park, has a perfect saying in their song In the End: THE JOURNEY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE END OR THE START!

A journey. What is a journey? As a noun, it is an act of traveling from one place to another. As a verb, to travel somewhere. We go on journeys countless times in our physical lives, but mentally there is only one! It begins when we are born and ends when we finish our time here on this earth. Throughout that period of time, there are many events that influence us on our journey. I say influence because as I am learning WE, in the end, ARE SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW WE ALLOW THESE INFLUENCES (positive or negative) TO SHAPE US AS HUMAN BEINGS!

A simple realization to state, yet a seemingly impossible one to truly accomplish. BUT ACCOMPLISH IT WE CAN! There is a wonderful saying in the NA meetings I attend and at the intensive outpatient program I completed:

IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT, SO WORK IT. YOU’RE WORTH IT AND LIVE!

In these initial six words hold the key to living a completely different, positive life in all areas! That’s what is so wonderful about that statement. Not only does it help us battle our addictions every day but in applying it we also begin to change our everyday lives!

I am thirty-four years old as these words went to paper and have been addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling and sex for over the last seventeen years. I have been extremely fortunate with legal issues stemming from my addictions, but somehow being fortunate in those areas has not derailed or even hindered my one-way path of destruction! Or even if I had, would it have! I have, however, lost a marriage, home, countless jobs, relationships with family members and lovers, a few hundred thousand dollars, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MY SELF-WORTH! Everyone with an addiction(s), no matter how fortunate or unfortunate, lucky or unlucky, better off or worse off than the next addict we are, WE ALL SUFFER FROM THIS DISEASE IN THE SAME WAY! IT CONSUMES ALL OF US UNTIL THERE IS NOTHING LEFT!

Stop and think for a second about the word DISEASE. Not in the medical sense of the word but in the psychological sense (referring to our addictions). A DIS-EASE is exactly what it’s stating. It is a DIS-EASE we have within ourselves! The problem the medical and treatment world are now realizing is that over time our DIS-EASE has had major ramifications in the healthy development of our brains! MRIs of addicted brains over periods of prolonged use show severe damage to the brain tissue itself. Almost, in most cases, to thinking of the brain as looking like a piece of Swiss cheese! The damage that has been done to areas of our brains cannot be magically undone! Areas that have been compromised, so to speak (because of our addictions), will drastically affect our recovery and ability to stay sober and enjoy a healthy quality of life!

DRUGS ARE A WASTE OF TIME. THEY DESTROY YOUR MEMORY AND SELF-RESPECT AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. THEY’RE NO GOOD AT ALL.

-KURT COBAIN

WHY

Cocaine is the king of all my addictions! It is always my number one! How many times have I found myself wanting to just stop using cocaine…

It was an early Saturday morning, summer 2001, around 3:00 a.m. I had been using heavily for the last eight hours and was extremely fucked up! My wife came home after work to me like this yet again. We stood face to face in the living room of our ranch-style house. I could still feel the coolness of the air as I close my eyes. This was because I had made it an igloo, my own living room igloo! I always ran hot when I was using and loved to drop the temperature as low as I possibly could. I am a heating and air-conditioning technician by trade, so I always could. Too bad I didn’t realize until later on in life that the reason I needed the coolness was because the coke was basically raising my internal body temperature, roasting me from the inside out! Funny thing with drug addiction was, even when I did understand what the coke was doing, it still never stopped me!

Well, anyway, back to the destruction of my marriage. She entered the room and just stared at me at first. I knew she wanted to hit me, a way for her to let out all her anger (it wouldn’t have been the first time nor would it have been the last, and that’s just her… there have been many others!) It’s like for a few seconds I was able to read her mind. The thoughts weren’t good:

AGAIN, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS HIGH!

AGAIN, THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS PUTTING DRUGS BEFORE OUR MARRIAGE!

The AGAINS could have probably gone on for a dozen more times easy. You see, this wasn’t our first rodeo. She tried to reach out to me countless times before, even going to my parents for help. But I was set on using and nothing would have stopped me… except for death! She seemed at that moment to have just given up. As she fell to her knees, running both her hands down my legs, she stopped at my feet and let out the most gut-wrenching WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY? I’ve ever heard in my life. She looked up at me, and with tears flowing down her face she said,

Why can’t you just stop?

She was twelve years my senior and as intelligent and articulate as they come. That was just a few of the many reasons why I had married her in the first place. However, over the five years together, my addiction had reduced her to the point she was at now. I emotionally ripped out her heart, threw it on the floor in front of her, stepped on it, and then placed it back inside her chest… only to rip it out once again. This, I realized later on, occurred numerous times. Just that this time, unbeknownst to me, would be our last!

I could hardly look her in the face, knowing what a piece of shit I was! Feeling this pain that I was causing someone who loved me so much just made me want to use more to escape it… and I did! Even a few days later when I swore I wouldn’t use again, I really didn’t want to… but I did! After another year, we finally separated. But we had died on that cold Saturday morning. The mourning took yet another year before we both moved on. Her to another relationship, eventually marrying again. Me, to more self-destruction, self-sabotage, and self-mutilation… staying in my addictions!

WHEN WE ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO CHANGE A SITUATION WE ARE CHALLENGED TO CHANGE OURSELVES.

-VIKTOR E. FRANK (BRAINY QUOTES)

STUCK

I was so stuck in my addictions I was in the eye of the hurricane. To me it seemed calm; I was in control, but reality was far from that. All that came in contact with me was uprooted. Spun round and round violently, as my addictions fed off the negative energy. Consuming all of it there was, I either threw it away or it got redirected out by smashing into others that were inside. They were both vicious and cruel ways to leave my life, but to be redirected out had to be the worst. They were still there. They wanted to be for whatever reason. Maybe they loved you, stupid! Maybe they wanted to help you, stupid! Or maybe they felt like they owed me or owed it to themselves? If I tossed them out, my addiction felt like they were of no more use to me. Who was I to decide that of another human being? Who was I to hold someone inside this violent vortex, this black hole, which was my life? I WAS AN ADDICT!

In NA, the first step is to admit that you are powerless over your addiction(s). It consumes all your thoughts and actions, CONSTANTLY! You finally surrender or tap out to the ever-mounting pain your addiction is causing you and everything and everyone around you! My life had become unmanageable because of my addictions. For addicts like me, this was the hardest concept to accept. I couldn’t see giving up the control I thought I had. When in reality I was never in control, MY ADDICTIONS WERE! Sure, if you asked me, I was in total control. But upon looking at what I really was in control of shocked even me! I was in control of getting high, stealing, manipulating, lying, hurting, and destroying all those that were in my life… including myself! For my own selfish reasons, I ran from my problems, justified my drug and alcohol use, and blamed others for my situations in life. Situations that I clearly put myself in or chose the very way in which I was going to respond! My life centered around chaos. And in that chaos I thought I found peace. I am a huge movie buff. It has always been something that I loved doing, even without drugs. I love movies, all kinds of movies. I kept thinking to myself what the Joker (played by Heath Ledger… RIP!) in The Dark Knight said to Harvey Dent (played by Aaron Eckhart) when Dent was laid up in Gotham General Hospital:

I’m an agent of chaos.

How fucking sick I was—that was my life!

I was a master at denial. ALL ADDICTS ARE! We have to be to stay in our addictions for so long. Deny it to the end—no matter what, deny it! Time after time, this behavior just incensed the people around me, and I was getting tired of it. Understand I wasn’t tired of the denial. I was tired of constantly being called on my bullshit I was trying to feed people. I then came down with a permanent case of the Fuck Its! For us addicts, the Fuck Its are our addiction’s perfect remedy for anything that ails us. And I do mean ANYTHING!

You don’t have the money for more drugs? Fuck it! Get it on credit anyway and you’ll figure a way out later.

You don’t feel like working today because you’ve been up all night? Fuck it! Call out of work and deal with the repercussions tomorrow.

You know that by continuing to use you will emotionally destroy those who love you? Fuck it! They will still love me tomorrow.

We see where this is going. This is who I believed I was. If you don’t like it or don’t want to be around me, then don’t! My rationalization for this behavior (which I would later learn at my outpatient program—indeed a paradoxical explanation) was the ever-strong paradox of denial. A paradox is a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd, but in reality expresses a possible truth. The paradox of denial states:

HOW CAN I ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM, IF I AM NOT THE WAY I SHOULD BE? YET, HOW DO I EFFECTIVELY CHANGE MYSELF WITHOUT ACCEPTING MYSELF AS I AM, AND WORKING FROM THAT?

Overthinking this idea will drive you FUCKIN’ NUTS! So don’t do it! LOL! As I would later learn, overthinking and rationalizing are major stumbling blocks in our recovery!

So, by admitting I was powerless over my addictions and surrendering, two wonderfully fundamental ideologies began to take shape in my brain. The first and most crucial was

I GOT THE FUCK OUTTA MY OWN WAY!

Second:

I STOPPED TRYING TO FIX THE PROBLEM AND STARTED TO GROW AND LEARN FROM THE PROCESS!

Back to getting the fuck out of my own way! LOL! Wow! I never realized how much I was impeding my own happiness! For the first time in my life, I truly had peace of mind. Not only that but it then opened the door for me to stop trying to fix the problem! I always believed I could fix the problem. I could stop using when I had to or control the situations I put myself in.

Trying to fix the problem was never the answer. I always created so many problems for myself; I was constantly finding myself having many different problems to fix. The problems were always addressed with the most severe ones first. While I would be doing this, I never realized that the most severe problems always had to do with my addictions. My addictions were in control. And what did my addictions want? They wanted to address the problems that would directly result in me being able to use more drugs and alcohol! Those became my important problems, no matter how insignificant they really were! The real major problems that were ever-present in my life got put on the backburner. Forever to come after the drugs, but they never materialized. My addictions wouldn’t allow them to!

What? You expect me to tell