Identity...

By Heather Mar-Gerrison

I was going to keep a low profile but to hell with that – I’ve been keeping a low profile for more than half of my life.
Houston and San Antonio kept bugging me to tell my story too – to give theirs some background, I guess – and to explain a little more about why they’d made the decisions they had throughout their lives.
So, after a lot of deliberation and soul-searching, I decided to tell you my story.
I’m not sure if you’ll have more sympathy with me or with my parents but that’s too bad.
I did what I did for the reasons I had at the time.
I guess it’s up to you to decide who was right and who was wrong.
Happily, I now have a decent enough relationship with my parents. I’m happily married to a wonderful man that I am completely and utterly in love with and I have a couple of adorable children, so, yeah – I think I did alright despite my many cock-ups... in the end.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Heather Mar-Gerrison
• Release date: Apr 3, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005303310

Heather Mar-Gerrison

I love to write M/M romance and as a sucker for a HEA, you're guaranteed one in my books. #happyheatherafters

Book preview

Prologue

Dallas

I was going to keep a low profile but to hell with that – I’ve been keeping a low profile for more than half of my life.

Houston and San Antonio kept bugging me to tell my story too – to give theirs some background, I guess – and to explain a little more about why they’d made the decisions they had throughout their lives.

So, after a lot of deliberation and soul-searching, I decided to tell you my story.

I’m not sure if you’ll have more sympathy with me or with my parents but that’s too bad.

I did what I did for the reasons I had at the time.

I guess it’s up to you to decide who was right and who was wrong.

Happily, I now have a decent enough relationship with my parents. I’m happily married to a wonderful man that I am completely and utterly in love with and I have a couple of adorable children, so, yeah – I think I did alright despite my many fuck-ups… in the end.

Chapter 1 – Three years ago….

Dallas

I won’t be in for dinner tonight, Mum. I panted as I dashed through the door of the kitchen and headed straight for the refrigerator for a carton of milk.

I downed it in one, tossing the empty carton on the kitchen table and then made for the stairs.

Where are you going? Mum shouted after me.

Shit. I’d been hoping to get away with that one… Um, I’m heading over to Nick’s house. I said, We’ve got a ton of homework to do and he’s got a study.

Mum smiled, And no doubt a PlayStation in there and two controllers?

I grinned, He might have. I said. Of course, he did. Nick had everything. His Mum and Dad made sure of it. He was their only son and the apple of their eye. Nothing could dull the shiny gold that was their wonderful Nick – except maybe the travesty of him falling in love with me…

We were so naïve. Neither of us saw our love as wrong – until both of our parents decided that it was the most terrible thing to happen to them – and then things turned ugly.

I came out first. I was so besotted with Nick that I couldn’t keep it on the downlow as much as he warned me that coming out would be a nightmare for the pair of us.

No one will understand, he said, the urgency in his voice should have been a clue to how he felt about it but I was adamant that we should tell our parents the way we felt, we live in a very conservative community, Dallas.

I sighed, "But if we just explain…"

He shook his head, Please. He begged me, Let’s just keep a lid on it until we can get out of this place and live our lives somewhere more accepting.

I was full of hopes and dreams at the time. My dad had promised me the earth if only I didn’t go off to university. He wanted me to run the family business with him and I’d never really expected to do anything else. I wanted to run the business with him – I wanted to be able to put my stamp on things. I’m not leaving, though. I pointed out, I have the marina to run with Dad.

Nick rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath that I didn’t catch. I just assumed he was a little jealous of how close me and my family were – because I knew he wasn’t jealous of our wealth. His Dad worked in London and earned shedloads of money. It made sense that he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and do a degree in economics or law or something – and it made sense to me at the time to do the same – to follow in my father’s footsteps…

To cut a long story short, telling the olds didn’t go down well and put an end to my plans of staying home after college and joining my father in running the marina on a more or less permanent basis. Instead I spent the rest of my college days chasing girls (yes, you heard me right. I was forbidden to have a boyfriend) and being as promiscuous as it was possible to be…

I’d been forbidden to see Nick again, not that it actually mattered, since he dumped me as soon as I told him I’d told my parents that we were involved. He clearly wasn’t as committed to our relationship as I was – and nowhere near admitting his sexuality to either his parents or even to himself.

I was heartbroken and angry. And it made me reckless.

I’m really sorry, Nick said, "But I warned you not to tell them. There’s no way I can see you anymore, now that you’ve done that."

I was stunned, What? I asked in horror, I’m not gonna take this shit lying down, Nick. I said, grabbing hold of his hand and gazing up into his eyes, "I love you. And I’m sure Dad didn’t really mean it – they’ll get over it. They’re going to have to accept that being with you is part of me – part of my identity." To be fair it was all a bit of bravado. Dad had just about punched my lights out and he’d looked at me like he was ready to murder me. If Mum hadn’t have intervened I’m not sure what would have happened… It was fair to say that it would take a fair amount of water under the bridge to put things right between us but I was prepared to sneak around for as long as it took before Nick and I could face the world together as a couple.

My parents would kick me out of the house… Nick whispered, a fearful look on his face, I just can’t... he pulled his hand away from me.

Don’t be daft. I said, They’ll just need to cool down about it, like my mum and dad. Come on, let’s go up to your room and…"

He shook his head, Your dad punched you in the mouth. He reminded me, and I had to agree. It still hurt a lot and my jaw was swollen, "He meant it, Dallas – he’s a homophobe. He won’t get over that in a hurry, no matter what you insist you identify as."

I nodded miserably. He was right. I just hadn’t wanted to admit to myself that my own father had beaten me for nothing other than being in love with another boy. It wasn’t fair.

And if I was going to be totally honest, he hadn’t just hit me in the mouth like I’d told Nick. He’d gone to town on me. I hurt all over. Tears began to pool in the corners of my eyes at the injustice of the whole thing. When Georgia brought her first boyfriend home they fawned all over him like he was some kind of prize bull. Austin was happily dating some pretty little thing he was completely mesmerised by and they loved that. Why couldn’t they just accept that I’d fallen in love with Nick? What was so wrong with that?

I think that, maybe we should call it a day. Nick said quietly, making my heart drop in my chest like a stone sinking in a pond, I don’t want you getting into any more trouble because of me. It’s not worth it – for either of us.

What wasn’t worth it? Hell, I’d thought he was worth coming out to my parents for. What isn’t worth it? I asked.

He looked at me as if I was completely stupid – and maybe I had been. Maybe I’d thought there was more to our relationship than there really was. Or maybe we didn’t really have a relationship as far as he was concerned. Or maybe he was in love with me too, but he really was too scared to come out. Or maybe this had just been fun to him and I’d taken it all too seriously. Story of my life… This. He said, ghosting his hand between us, Is over, Dallas. He said, tears filling his eyes, "I can’t lose everything I’ve got – my home and my parents’ love and respect and I’m not going to be the reason you lose your home and your parents’ love, either. Let’s just say we’ve had the time of our lives but it’s over…"

*

I went home and climbed up the staircase to the treehouse Dad and I had built for the younger kids. I went inside and threw myself down on the bean bags. Staring up at the ceiling, I thought about how my life had been turned upside down in the last twenty-four hours.

Right, I thought. You wanted a straight son. You’ve got one. I’ll date every fucking girl on the netball team. If you won’t accept that I identify as gay, I’ll identify as the worst sort of straight guy there is...

It would be easy, half of them had already asked me out. I was kind of pretty for a boy but that didn’t seem to bother any of them.

I’d go out with them. Sleep with them all and generally behave totally disgracefully. See how the olds liked a promiscuous straight son who nailed all the girls in high school, instead of one who was gay and happily committed to one person…

Fallon McQueen was the netball captain. She was pretty in a trashy sort of way. She loved to wear make-up and she applied it reasonably well. Her contouring could be better but I’d sort that out once we’d been dating a while. Her eyeliner was overdone too but again, we could get that right with a bit of practice. Generally, she was pleasing on the eye and most of the guys on the basketball team fancied themselves in love with her.

I wasn’t in love with her and I never would be. Her brother was more my type if I was going to be completely honest with myself – but I’d decided to lie to myself and everyone else about what really attracted me, instead.

Hey, Fallon. I grinned shyly at her. Reel her in slowly, Dallas.

She looked up at me in some surprise. Hey, Dallas. She said, smiling in that predatory way of hers, her eyes roving up and down my body and settling at my crotch before she finally met my eyes, What are you doing all the way over here?

I smiled again and gave a little shrug that I knew she wouldn’t be able to resist, Just wanted to say hello.

Her smile widened and she actually licked her lips. If I’d been my best mate, Donner, I’d have probably just come in my pants but I wasn’t Donner, I was Dallas – gay as a row of tents, as my dad loved to joke. Oh, not about me – about gay men in general. He didn’t find it at all amusing when I told him I was gay.

Don’t be so ridiculous, Dallas. Of course you’re not gay, he blustered, it’s just a phase you’re going through.

I’d been fooling around with Nick for the best part of six months and the sex was incredible. There was no way this was a phase that I was about to grow out of. I loved his dick. I loved the hard plains of his body. I was not into boobs and pussy or soft curves in any way, shape or form.

I’m not being ridiculous, Dad. I said, my heart thumping in my chest and my head feeling slightly light that I was actually telling him that I was gay. I’m gay.

And how do you know you’re gay? he insisted on challenging me on it.

Because I’ve got a boyfriend. I said as steadily as I could manage. I could see his face changing colour. He was really mad.

The punch came out of nowhere. I really didn’t expect it. We’d never been disciplined with anything other than a telling off and being grounded. No kid of mine is going to be gay. He shouted as he rained punches down on me wherever he could land one. I will not tolerate that sort of thing under my roof. If you’re going to insist on this debauchery, you can go and do it someplace else.

I stared at him in horror as my chin dripped with blood from my mouth and my whole body throbbed with pain. You know something, Dad? I said, wiping