Taking Back the Family

By Brenda Lancaster

Author Brenda Lancaster invites you to take a break from the chaos of everyday life and discover nine basic principles, that when applied, can revolutionize your life and family. Brenda says, "Women can't be all things to all people. I know. I tried and it never worked. But, when I discovered and applied these nine basic principles, the light of

• Language: English
• Publisher: Master Design Publishing
• Release date: May 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9781941512548

Brenda Lancaster

Feeling God's call to write, teach, and establish ZooKeepers Ministries in 2002, (now ZMI Family Ministries International) Brenda has witnessed God's transforming power restore thousands of families through the application of His principles. She, along with husband Tom and their team, travel on mission each year teaching in Brazil, Nicaragua, Honduras and The Do- minican Republic. The ministry is also growing in Kenya, and other countries where they have not yet traveled. Since 2008, thousands of books have been donated in mission countries where women cannot afford books. National leaders are trained to carry out the ministry throughout the year and to multiply groups throughout their countries.

Book preview

PART I

The Seasons of Life:

You can’t be everything to everybody all the time.

Idon’t know how it is for you, but for me, life is at times so totally chaotic that I feel like I am living in the middle of a zoo—a noisy, messy, smelly, commotion filled zoo. Most days are filled with such a panic-paced race of hullabaloo that day’s end finds me prostrate on the carpet with my tongue hanging out! Speaking of carpet, I can remember so many times through the years of my zoo-like existence that my little ones could graze through that carpet to find a snack. The precious mothers of our grandchildren tell me they understand that dilemma. I’ll bet you do too!

For years I anticipated the next season of life to be less complicated and chaotic than the last, but I’ve come to realize that every season of life has its own set of overwhelming challenges. Through it all, my brown hair has turned white (don’t tell my husband, he doesn’t know yet), and certain times it has just come out altogether, I guess from pulling it out! The cute little crinkle lines at the corners of my eyes and lips have grown into mini grand canyons and I have noticed that certain body parts are no longer where God put them, fallen south if you know what I mean. As time flies by, I can’t help but wonder when life is supposed to slow down, you know, get to the point when I finally have time to smell the roses. The way it’s going now my nose buds will be all smelled out by the time I get to use them.

What about you? Do frequent days of unending chaos make you just want to scream, Calgon, take me away! I’ve sure had days like that. Actually, this book has come about because of one such chaotic day in the summer of 1975.

I was a young mother of three little boys living in Florence, South Carolina. My hunk of a husband was attending college and working full time to provide for our family. He did what he could, but he had precious little time to help with the kiddies. (By the way, he still is a hunk and now he helps with the grand-kiddies!)

Life was a whirlwind. We had no relatives living nearby so my only source of help was a friend, another young mom who was in the same predicament as me. Cheryl and I became knitted in a friendship born out of necessity, but birthed by our Creator. We helped each other with everything. We are still close to this day.

For us, life seemed to be one big to do list that stretched the gamut of human endurance. Of course there were the everyday tasks—cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands to run, husbands to please (i.e. lovin’ to make), kids to chase, noses to blow, hineys to clean, emergency rooms to visit, cars to wash, ministries to conduct, clubs to meet, or little monkeys to educate—and that was a big one indeed!

In addition to all the above giggles of life, there were those hard times when the family budget yielded only twelve dollars to buy a two-week supply of groceries for five. The challenge then included a project to earn money, like making crafts, having a garage sale, or getting a job outside the home. (As if a mother of three didn’t have enough of a job inside the home.)

Amid the mundane, there were the monumental challenges, like the time Cheryl and Bill lost their precious little boy the same day he was born. How in the world do you get through those times when the zoo around you becomes one big blur and the pain is so deep you honestly don’t know how you will survive until the next day?

But, through it all Cheryl and I learned one important thing—we could survive, we could do what we had to do. You see, we had help we did not understand at the time. Understanding would only come later, but it would come in time for us to be able to pass it along to you.

I still remember with excruciating detail the day I began to learn that lesson.

It had been an extremely frustrating day. You know the kind. You are already exhausted by 10:00 A.M.

I had tried so hard to start the day off right with some quiet time, but the little ones woke up with a loud bang an hour early. I tried to roll with the punches. I sorted the laundry, half-made the beds, fed the kiddies breakfast and tried to get them to settle into some sort of activity that would keep them happy. It wasn’t easy being the mother of three little boys, all under seven years old. I had been raised an only child so my previous experience with little men (and that’s exactly what they are!) was limited to say the least.

I don’t remember exactly what caused all the rukus that day, but before lunchtime ever arrived, I found myself standing in the little kitchen of that one thousand square foot house, totally at my wit’s end. At my feet sat all three of those little rug rats, looking straight up at me — squalling to the top of their lungs! I felt so overwhelmed at that moment that I had no idea what to do.

Finally, in desperation, I did the only thing I knew to do at that moment—I started wailing right along with them! Instantly the boys stopped their tirade and looked at their mama with huge round eyes—dry ones I might add.

Their tantrum stopped in its tracks but their mama’s tantrum did not. I was very young and did not understand I wasn’t supposed to pitch a temper tantrum with God.

Lord, I cried out, I want to be the right kind of wife and mother, I just don’t know how! I don’t know what You want from me! I try—but I need help. I need somebody to teach me what you want from me and how to do whatever that is.

But then I upped that little tantrum a notch, stomped my foot and cried even louder And when I get to be an old woman don’t let me forget this, help me be willing to teach young women what no one will teach me now!

I can’t help but wonder where in the world that last statement came from.

In His love and mercy, the Lord didn’t send a lightening bolt to straighten me out, but gradually He did send the teachers I had cried out for. One day at a time, God saw that I was taught. He sent what I needed when I needed it.

I forgot all about that little tantrum, never thought about it again until September 2001 at our church ladies retreat. While praying and reading our personal devotional for the day, I thought I heard someone call me saying It’s time. I looked around and no one was there. I looked at my watch and thought it’s not time for the first session yet.

Again, as I started to pray I heard in my heart, It’s time... At that exact moment the scene from that little kitchen, 26 years earlier flashed before my eyes…in slow motion. I remembered every word I had uttered …every promise I had made—every stomp of my foot. Once again in my heart I heard the words; It’s time.

I was totally overwhelmed again, but this time absolute understanding of what I needed to do took the place of the sheer panic I had felt all those years ago. This time, even amid my feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy, I knew with absolute certainty it was time to share, to keep the promises I had made that fateful day.

That is what this book is all about. It is about sharing the answers God has so richly blessed me with since that day in the kitchen. As it turns out, God had the answers to every single one of those struggles I experienced in the zoo. Am I worthy to teach you? Absolutely not, but I can point you to One who is worthy. Am I qualified or equipped? Probably not by the world’s standards since I don’t have a long list of degrees after my name.

But I can tell you how I am qualified; I have been where you are, had most of the problems you now have, and have come through those challenges with abundant victory. How? The reason is simple: God was and is equipped to handle my zoo, and He is equipped to handle yours, too. I am a living testimony that God is real and that He intervenes in the lives of women. He can give you victory too if you want Him to. God met me in that kitchen; right where I was, temper tantrum and all.

That is exactly what He wants to do with you; meet you wherever you are right now, right this minute. This book is all about meeting you where you are, not where you or somebody else thinks you ought to be! Put behind you all the guilt, the fatigue, past failures, the busy-ness of life that robs you of joy.

Especially, put behind you all the I can’t’s and You can’t’s that haunt your mind and memory. All you need to remember is that You Can! Better still, understand that God can, and will give you the answers, the relief, the peace and joy you long for.

For those of you, who have never read a book where you are asked to look up Bible verses—relax! Don’t worry about it—just use the table of contents in front of every Bible to find your reference. Maybe you are a skeptic about the Bible. I only ask you to look it up so you can see for yourself where the Truth I learned came from, because that is where my victory came from. I assume victory is what you are looking for also. Be sure to participate in the Action Assignments because they are sure to add spice to your life! You and you husband are sure to enjoy the night life assignments in the sixth session. Are you ready to be set free? If not, then get ready! This book may make you laugh, it may make you cry, but you will certainly not be bored!

VOICES FROM THE SEASONS OF LIFE

ECCLESIASTES 3:1-8

1. Know what I want to be when I grow up? A doctor. No, a lawyer. I know, a teacher. Better yet–I’m going to be a movie star!

2. I can’t wait until I grow up! Then nobody can tell me what to do!

3. Boy, I’m on my own now, nobody to look out for but me! It’s about time!

4. Sure is kind of lonely. Mmm, who is that good-looking hunk of pure 100% man?

5. These wedding plans are about to drive me crazy! I can’t wait until this wedding is over!

6. The baby got up every two hours last night. I can’t wait until I can get a good night’s sleep

7. Breastfeeding! Sometimes I feel like nothing but a soup kitchen!

8. These diapers are expensive. I hope she’s potty-trained soon!

9. I wish these kids would stop making messes! I can’t wait until they are big enough to clean up their own spilled milk!

10. Homework! Don’t the teachers know that we don’t have two hours a night for this?

11. Little League Soccer. Baseball. Girl Scouts. Gymboree. Dance classes. All on the same day! I’m nothing but a taxi driver!

12. Fight. All these kids seem to do is fight! Can’t you guys act like adults once in awhile?

13. Teenagers! Loud music. What attitudes. How long will I have to put up with this?

14. The kids are gone. It’s just Bill and me now. What’ll we talk about?

15. Boy, this house is lonely. I sure do miss the mess, the noise, even the fights.

16. I wish the kids would call. I guess I’m not needed by anyone anymore.

17. Well, I’m really all alone now. Bill went home to be with the Lord without me. What will I do with my life now?

18. Who in the world would ever need an old woman like me?

DAY 1

LET’S START SLOW AND EASY, GIRLS

Read Ecclesiastes 3:1-13.

OK, ladies. Let’s make Day One an easy one.

We’ve all heard that old song, To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn. If you think about it, these verses in Ecclesiastes should be a tremendous encouragement to us every day of our lives, no matter what we are going through at the time.

God tells us in this passage that in this life, we are going to have different times or seasons .

To what do you think the word seasons refers?

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In some parts of the world, the weather remains the same all year around but in North Carolina we experience differences in every season. What visible and invisible changes do you notice when our weather changes seasons?

What do you like best about each season? Include some things you most enjoy doing in each season.

Spring:

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Summer:

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Autumn:

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Winter:

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Just as there are seasons in our weather, there are seasons in our life. We can always find something to enjoy in each season if we listen to God and learn what His higher purposes are. Notice also that we only experience one season at a time. Since we don’t get snow in the summertime, we don’t spend our time putting on snow boots and trying to shovel snow off the driveway. Yet sometimes we women put enormous pressure on ourselves trying to perform tasks for all the seasons of life at the same time.

Meditate on your life for a moment. Do you ever catch yourself getting all stressed out trying to be all things to all people? Do you feel that you just can’t do enough, no matter how hard you try? If so, give some examples.

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Spend time in prayer with God and ask His help as you try to discover those responsibilities that He has given you at this time in your life. What are they?

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Remember, to everything there is a season.

DAY 1 ACTION ASSIGNMENT

We can study God’s Word and pray for His help and direction in our lives but until we actively put into practice what we have learned, we will not grow in the Lord; we will only become fat with knowledge that will produce no real purpose. With that thought in mind, we will have a different action exercise each day. Some will be serious, some will be wild and zany, but all will be profitable for our growth in the Lord.

Find a corner somewhere in your home where you can set up a work-study area all your own. It doesn’t have to be big or fancy. It can even be a tall cardboard box with a tablecloth thrown over it. This spot is to be yours and yours alone. Nobody is allowed to touch this space but you. If the kids invade it, then it becomes your season to war! This is to be your place to run to throughout the day to grab snatches from God’s Word.

Ruth Graham once said this was the only way she was able to find Bible study time when her children were little. It worked in her life to keep her focused on God and His way throughout her hectic day.

It seems to have served her well. I think it will serve us well also, if we will actively pursue doing it.

Happy hunting!

DAY 2

GET READY FOR THE SAFARI!

Read Ecclesiastes 3:1-13 again.

The seasons Ecclesiastes speaks of are the different stages of life that we all go through and the tasks we are responsible for during each of these stages. Obviously a young married wife and mother has different tasks than those of a grandmother or great-grandmother. God is acknowledging that we are to focus our attention on those tasks that are related to the season of life we are presently experiencing.

There is a season when we as women are able to pursue a career, free from outside responsibilities, if we choose.

We all have a season to be a baby, then a child, a teenager, a young adult, and older adult. We have a season to plan to be married, a season to be married, and for some, a season to remember being married.

We have a season to bear children and a season when we can no longer bear them. There is a season to concentrate on training them and serve them just as our mothers did for us when we were little. Then comes the season when we must let them go out on their own, giving us a newly found freedom to seek what God has planned for us next. Be certain of this: God does not plan for our children to be our whole lives. Our time of caring and raising them is only a part of His grand plan for our lives.

There is a season when we or a close family member experience health problems, which may require a great deal of time and attention. During those times we need not feel guilty that we cannot do all those things we are accustomed to doing for other people. God knows our season. He has allowed it in our life and He has a purpose for it.

Can you think of a time when you have felt guilty for having to spend time on a situation in your life that was beyond your control?

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When the struggle was over, did you discover that God had somehow caused something good to come from it? Did you grow through the experience? If so, how?

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There are seasons when we will experience great joy and others when we will experience great pain and challenge. This passage warns us: don’t expect life to be a bowl of cherries. Expect the good and the bad. Also expect God to teach you some of life’s most beautiful lessons during those not-so-fun seasons. We also learn that no matter what happens, He will be with us through it all. He is in control through it all. If we are ever to find peace and happiness in this life, we must learn to relax with God, rely on Him, and deal with each season of our life as it comes.

DAY 2 ACTION ASSIGNMENT

Spend time in prayer now and ask God to show you what He wants you to learn through your current season of struggles. Write down what the Holy Spirit lays on your heart.

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DAY 3

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

Once again read Ecclesiastes 3, verses 9 and 10.

What question does Solomon ask in verse 9?

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When have you asked the same thing? ________________________

What’s the use? Nobody listens to me anyway!

What good does it do me to wash these dishes? The sink will be full again five minutes from now! This is useless!

Have you felt that way about anything lately? If so describe it?

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How do you act to others when you feel this way?

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According to verse 10, what is the source of our seasons of life?

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If God is the one who has given you the season and the task, then is it not reasonable to assume that is where He wants you to direct your attention?

Describe the season you feel that God has placed you in at this time.

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Have you ever given your child a task about which he proceeded to whine and try everything possible to avoid doing? How did you feel about his attitude? What was your response?

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How do you think God feels when we act like children over the responsibilities He has given us?

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To find peace and joy in our lives, we must quit whining about our God-given tasks and assume our responsibilities with a smile. We must concentrate on the tasks of the season we are in and not on the season that has passed or the season to come. We must learn to live one day at a time. We cannot allow the enemy to make us feel that we are responsible for tasks of all the seasons at the same time. That is the reason why so many people get discouraged and give up on relationships, marriages, child training, and any hope of serving God. We need balance in this area of our lives.

If we lose that balance, we end up stressed out.

That is why we often feel too snowed under to be on fire for God!

DAY 3 ACTION ASSIGNMENT

Spend some time in prayer and ask God to show you His desires for your growth. Tell your heavenly Father all about those frustrations that rob your joy. Write your impressions.

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DAY 4

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A USELESS TIME OF LIFE

Read Ecclesiastes 3:9-11 again.

How does verse 11 describe these various stages of life?

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God is saying that all the stages of life are beautiful in their own way . Each is different from the other; however, they are all profitable. They are all important. They all work together to make us into what God wants us to be. There is no such thing as a useless time of life; don’t let the enemy make you think