Small Space

By Gloria Hall

When Gloria Hall was five years old, her mother died, leaving her daddy to raise six small children alone. He soon remarried, and Gloria and her brothers endured both physical and mental abuse at the hands of her stepmother. For years Gloria and her two younger brothers lived in constant fear of the next beating, which were sometimes severe enou

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rushmore Press LLC
• Release date: Jan 14, 2021
• ISBN: 9781954345263

Gloria Hall

As a person who enjoys being in the kitchen, I don't need much motivation to whip up a favorite casserole or a plate of scrumptious cookies for family or friends. Sometimes holidays prompt fancy or seldom used recipes to be dusted off to be celebrated again.

Book preview

Preface

Too many adults today are harboring insecurities and hidden pains. They find it difficult trying to maneuver in a difficult world. My book addresses the abuse I endured at the hands of my stepmother. I lived a life full of fear, remorse, and suffering, tinged with self-blame.

I would like to use my experience to assure others who have been victims of mental or physical abuse that they can be free to live without further torment and shame. They are special, worthy, and loved by God; and only He can satisfy their spiritual hunger.

My book reveals how God guided and directed me to forgive by simply being obedient to Him and how He has aided me in understanding and realizing that He has a purpose and a plan for all of us.

Introduction

When I was five years old, my mother died, leaving my daddy to raise six small children alone. He soon remarried. My brothers and I endured physical and mental abuse at the hands of my stepmother who constantly told us that we were no good and would never amount to anything.

My two younger brothers and I lived in constant fear of the next beating, sometimes severe enough to keep us from school activities.

Although I excelled in spelling and public speaking, in general, school was difficult for me. My homelife kept me so mentally bound that I was unable to concentrate. I dreaded being beaten for bad report cards. For years, I had to deal with a low self-image.

Finally, upon running away from home, I joined the army and met and married my husband. The marriage was short-lived, and I was left to raise a young son on my own. I had no sense of security. As a consequence, I endured extreme loneliness and suffered severe financial and personal struggles.

I began praying and seeking God until one day, I realized He was my answer. He changed my whole outlook on life and made me feel I was worth something.

I discovered that God doesn’t look down on us—we look down on ourselves.

1

My Last Night with Mama

Positioning my small frame comfortably on Mama’s lap, I snuggled my head into the crook of her arm. It’s nap time, and Mama and I were about to embark on our daily adventure. As we both turned the pages of the big Mother Goose nursery rhymes book, Mama read to me. But I couldn’t fall asleep until she read my favorite rhyme, Hickory Dickory Dock.

As the frisky little, brown mouse scampered up the side of the grandfather clock, I knew this one so well.

Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, we read it together. The clock struck one, the mouse ran down. Hickory-dickory dock.

The book was closed now. Mama couldn’t read to me anymore. She was gone. I stood by the casket, barely able to see her, while Tommy, my oldest brother, was kneeling at a bench.

Why is he crying so? I wondered. Mama is just sleeping, but I wish she would wake up. Is she taking a nap too?

So much confusion and sadness surrounded the day; I didn’t understand it all. I wished somebody would tell me what was wrong with Mama and why she wasn’t coming home with us. At five years old, this was all very puzzling to me.

An aneurysm at the age of thirty-six had snatched Mama from us, leaving Daddy with six small children to raise alone. Daddy had often rushed her to the hospital because of the crippling headaches that occasionally gripped her and left her sick and weak.

One morning after suffering from one such horrific headache that had lasted through the night, Daddy carried Mama downstairs, gently placed her in the passenger side of the car, and hurriedly drove to the hospital. It wasn’t long before he came home—this time, alone. Gathering us kids together, Daddy spoke in a soft, trembling voice that belied his grief:

Mama’s gone, boys.

No longer would Mama and I read nursery rhymes together. No longer would Mama hold me and rock me to sleep. No longer would I feel her warm, protective hand holding on to mine. No longer would I snuggle in her lap. No longer would I feel safe and secure. Mama’s gone.

On the night of the funeral, I lay in bed, unable to sleep, staring into the darkness, thinking back over the day. All of a sudden, illuminated by the soft moonlight from the window across from my bed, Mama quietly and gently appeared in the closet entrance, beautifully dressed in purple, looking very much like she was on her way to church.

Surprised but delighted, I whispered, Mama.

I sat up in bed to see her better and to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. It was definitely my Mama. I wanted to run to her. I had so many unanswered questions. But fearing she might disappear, I didn’t move. I just lay there, returning her gaze while we silently loved each other in the soft light.

Several seconds later, she was gone.

Even though my brothers were in bed at the time, I was sure they were asleep and hadn’t seen her. I lay back down, feeling loved and closer to her than ever. I slept peacefully all night.

I told no one of the incident, but I could hardly wait until bedtime the next night. Finally in bed after an interminably long day, I lay again in the dark, hugging the covers up to my chin, peering over at the dark closet, anxiously waiting. My thoughts of the previous night were so vivid, I had every hope Mama would return.

If I don’t breathe too hard, maybe she’ll come, I thought. If I’m real still and don’t make any noise, she’ll come.

Before long, as I had hoped, Mama appeared. How I wanted to bury my face in that beautiful dress and feel her warm embrace. But I just lay still, watching her as I had the night before.

Night after night for two weeks, she came to me. She never spoke, but oh how I enjoyed our short, sweet visits. Then one night, as soon as she appeared in the doorway, my whole body stiffened in fear. When I could gather enough nerve, I quickly reached down and grabbed the covers from the foot of the bed and yanked them up over my head. Seconds later, I peeked, out and she was gone.

Chagrined, I lay there wondering what had happened. Not one of those nights had I been afraid. Not one of those nights had I questioned whether it was really her.

Why was I so afraid now? I mused. Did I scare her away?

Puzzled and confused, I finally drifted off to sleep with the covers still over my head.

I waited for her every night after that for months, but she never returned. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about her or hearing a sound that I thought was her. I craned my neck at the slightest noise I heard, hoping.

Now I wanted to see her just so I could tell her I wasn’t afraid anymore. But would she ever come back?

How does a child grieve? I don’t know. I don’t remember grieving for Mama; unless intensely missing her could be interpreted as grieving. I don’t even remember crying at the funeral.

For a very long time, I refused to believe that Mama had just died and left us. She wouldn’t do that—not on purpose, anyway. I kept looking for her to walk in the front door or be downstairs when we got up in the morning. The closet she had appeared in didn’t have a door on it, so sometimes I sat and stared into it, as if staring at it would bring her back. I felt as if some cruel joke had been played on us.

The street we lived on was quiet and serene, with trees standing like great giants in each yard, each tree quietly standing guard in front of the house it protected.

Most of the houses on our block were white, with the exception of Miss Flowers’s house across the street. It stood out from all the others around it. Painted a bright yellow—her house was dotted with colorful, dainty flowers that adorned the front yard, the edge of the driveway, and the sidewalk. The lawn was always immaculate, nicely cut, and beautifully green. Even in the winter when the flowers died, I still thought her house was the prettiest.

Miss Flowers hung her clothes on the clothesline in her front yard, as did all the rest of the mothers. Nobody had clothes dryers. I suppose they had been invented, but they hadn’t reached our neighborhood yet. Backyards were reserved for kids to play in.

We lived in one of the few two-story houses on the block. Our house was equipped with a kitchen, living room, and a utility room downstairs. I don’t think they even make utility rooms anymore. The giant furnace that practically dominated the utility room, we kept cold and banked with ashes in the summer. In the wintertime, we shoveled it full of coal from the coal bin to heat the house. The heavy rumble of the pipes could be heard upstairs as the furnace did its work to heat up all the rooms.

Upstairs was the bathroom; right across the top of the stairs, Mama and Daddy’s bedroom; and our bedroom where my brothers and I slept, me in the small bed and they in the larger two. Now that Mama was gone, our big, happy house seemed strangely quiet.

It must have been tough for Daddy to handle us and his own grief. He must have thought he couldn’t care for us on his own or maybe he was afraid relatives would try and split us up. I do remember a relative there at the house after the funeral staring at me as if she wanted to snatch me. She never talked to me, but her eyes followed me everywhere I went. I tried not to get too close to her.

Daddy married again soon after Mama died. Our new stepmother, Joe, seemed to be on the defensive the day she moved into the house. She frowned most of the time and barked out orders rather than talking to us in civil tones. Already I didn’t like her.

She rarely had a pleasant thing to say to anybody, and she certainly wasn’t pretty like Mama. She was just the opposite from Daddy, who was a lot like the street we lived on—quiet and unassuming, soft-spoken, gentle, always the same. To me, they just didn’t fit together.

She didn’t allow any of us to talk about Mama. In fact, she tried to make us forget her altogether. Soon after she came, Daddy came home from work one day to find all of Mama’s pictures cut up. I could hear them arguing in the living room. He was so mad at her.

He was able to salvage a few pictures she hadn’t found, plus Mama’s watch that Daddy gave me when I became a teenager. Even though my stepmother knew I had it, I kept it hidden so she wouldn’t take it from me. It was my only link to Mama, aside from a photo of her that looks a lot like me.

Obviously to establish some disciplinary boundaries among us kids, Daddy eventually told her, You take care of the little ones, and I’ll take care of the big ones.

The big ones were my three older brothers. We little ones soon started getting yelled at on a regular basis. We learned quickly not to cross her. The more she yelled at us, the more I missed Mama.

Bedtime became my retreat time. I couldn’t talk about Mama in the daytime or even call her name, but I could talk to her at night. I couldn’t avoid my stepmother’s wrath in the daytime, but at night in my bed, I felt safe. My thoughts and dreams were my own.

After Mama stopped coming to me at night, I missed her even more. Sometimes lying in bed, I could hear her softly reading to me.

Let’s turn the pages and read together, Mama, I’d say to the empty space. Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock. The clock struck one, the mouse ran down. Hickory dickory dock.

Then I’d bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep.

My stepmother could cut up pictures, but she couldn’t take away memories. I can still smell the wonderful homemade donuts Mama used to make for us. She covered the big wooden table in the kitchen from one end to the other with the floured cutout goodies, ready to fry soon as the grease was hot.

She was expert at mixing the dough, rolling it out just right with the rolling pin, cutting out the plump round shapes with the biscuit cutter, and dropping them one by one in hot oil. They smelled so good frying in the heavy black skillet. The aroma would waft past my nose through the house to the outside, making my mouth water. We could hardly wait for them to get done. Then when they cooled slightly, she dipped each one in cinnamon sugar or powdered sugar. It was impossible to choose which kind was best.

Mama sang or hummed while she cooked, and the kitchen was always a cozy and happy place to be. Even in the hot summertime, I liked being in the kitchen when Mama was cooking. I could feel her love even when she wasn’t looking at me. How I missed that love. How I thrived on it. How I needed it now.

My stepmother’s full name was Hazel Joseph, and everybody who knew her called her Joe. We called her Joe too.

She hadn’t been with us very long when Daddy said to us little kids, Hazel’s been here long enough now. It’s time you kids started calling her Mama instead of Joe. She feels bad that you’re not already doing it. After all, she is your new mama.

My mouth felt dry and dirty every time I called her Mama. I felt like I was betraying my real mama. It was a very difficult thing to do, but we had to because she saw to it that we did. But when she began beating me, I rebelled and reverted back to calling her Joe. I felt like a yo-yo going back and forth.

Don’t be mad, Mama, I whispered. I’m not doing this because I want to. You’re my real mama, and she’ll never make me forget you.

Within just a few weeks of her arrival, my stepmother began to slap me often. But I was determined not to be weak. I would have to learn to turn off my emotions and be tough. As time went on, loneliness was slowly being replaced by anger and, eventually, bitter hatred for her. Though I dared not let it show, I found myself wishing she would leave or die. I didn’t care which.

Every time she and Daddy got into an argument, Donnie, Al, and I would exchange glances. And when we were sure she wasn’t in earshot, one of us would whisper, I hope she leaves.

The other two would chime in, Yeah, us too.

And if the argument got really heated, our hopes would rise, especially when she yelled at Daddy, I’m getting out of here. I don’t have to stay here and take care of you and your kids. I can do better than this.

I never knew what the arguments were about. They argued so much, I never really listened. She packed her suitcase several times. We crossed our fingers, each time ever more hopeful. But she always later calmed down and unpacked. I don’t think she had any real intentions of leaving. I just think she was trying to scare Daddy.

Tommy, Bob, and Richard were young teenagers when Mama died. I was too young to know how her death affected them since we weren’t allowed to talk about her. But I imagined they talked