Do Not Try HIM At Home

By Sandra ten Hoope

Sandra ten Hoope is a successful Corporate Lawyer.

Like many professional women in toxic relationships, she spent years hiding the extent of her double life. 

When she left the office for the day, she was abused, emotionally, physically and financially, by three men; The Womaniser, The&nbs

• Language: English
• Publisher: Quiet Rebel Bureau
• Release date: Sep 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781838163419

Book preview

Contents

A note to you, the reader

Introduction

HIM number 1 - The womaniser

HIM number 2 - The abuser

HIM number 3 - The addict

Life after HIM

Resources

About the author

Do Not Try HIM at Home

Sandra ten Hoope

Copyright © 2020 Sandra ten Hoope

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

First edition.

ISBN: 978-1-8381634-0-2

Ebook: 978-1-8381634-1-9

Published by the Quiet Rebel Bureau

Cover and Interior design by Lyn Thurman at the Quiet Rebel Bureau

https://quietrebelbureau.com

For Michiel and Jolanda,

Friendship beyond dimensions.

Do Not Try HIM At Home

A note to you, the reader

HIM OR HE = HER OR SHE

This book is titled: Do not Try HIM at Home.

It describes my experiences as a heterosexual woman with heterosexual men who abused me in several ways: emotionally, physically, and financially.

Abuse, however, is gender neutral.

Men and women abuse. Men and women fall victim to abuse.

The ‘him’ or ‘he’ could also be read as a ‘she’ or ‘her’.

Abuse is not restricted to male-female relationships.

It occurs in male-male, female-female, and all other kinds of relationships.

Abuse can hit you – literally – no matter where you were born, the colour of your skin, where you live or what you do for a living. Professional women and men also fall prey to abusers. Which adds an extra layer of shame – you, of all people, being abused?

View my story as a tale in which the ‘I’ could be anybody. It could be you; it could be someone you know. Whenever you get triggered by any of the stories, go to the resources chapter towards the end of the book. There, you will find an overview of help services in various countries around the globe.

Introduction

Call me a storyteller, strategist, conscious catalyst, focus facilitator, awareness advocate, clarity counsellor, or transformation aide. My sole purpose is to provide women with the tools and solutions that allow them to be themselves again.

I am a certified Master at Law with over 25 years of experience. Some of the wealthiest people on the planet entrust me with their assets.

And yet, there was a time when I didn’t entrust me… with relationships.

On the outside, I looked like I was in control. High achieving, professional woman. Behind closed doors? Well, that’s a different story. It is my story. This I am glad that I’m able to share it with you and I hope that it helps you in some way.

Born and raised in Amsterdam, my childhood was shaped by a combination of factors, firstly being an unexpected arrival in my family alongside brothers aged 16 and 18. Predictably, this led to a major shift in family-dynamics, resulting in my parents splitting up when I was four.

Growing up, I was a shy, insecure, highly-sensitive, and intelligent child – otherwise known as an easy target at school. My escape was reading and learning and by the age of eight, I had already decided that I wanted to study law. So, when I finished school, I started to work as a secretary at a law firm whilst studying part-time.

After a few relationships, some more successful than others (including the one with the first HIM in this book), I landed myself a great, trustworthy, loving guy, yet I still could not settle. I was married at 26, then divorced at 30. Living abroad in the wonderful Caribbean Island of Curaçao, I discovered and relished a new part of myself – the passionate, energetic, dance-crazy part. One of my dance-partners, the second HIM in this book, tried to domesticate me. There are certainly spiritual advantages to a near-death experience caused by strangulation. My recommendation is, however, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

Once I had recovered mentally and physically (or so I thought) from this emotionally charged period of my life, I fell in love again with a man who seemed attentive and caring – the third HIM you will encounter in this book. We were soon married and celebrated the arrival of my wonderful son. Yet, when my son was 18-months old, my husband left us. There I was – divorced again at 41.

I now had choices to make as it was no longer ‘just me’ – I had my son to consider. I could fester, I could wallow, or I could I pick myself up and remember who I was and that I was enough. I could finally dare to heal.

It took a lot of learning, primarily learning to love and appreciate myself for who I really was. I read voraciously and worked on my chakras. Then I realised that during my corporate career, as well as my ‘real job’, I had spent approximately 45,000 hours coaching team members or colleagues. I coached them on group dynamics, transformation processes, personal choices – life in general. Surely, I could use those skills to be a voice, to raise awareness on toxic relationships, to be a lighthouse for other women who had escaped?

This wasn’t planned – it was just a natural development. A reflection of who I was, who I have become, the sum of every step of my journey. My mistakes, my successes, my learnings, my acceptance of my imperfections all placed me in a unique position where I could help others.

And now here I am! I took the plunge and started to write this book, aptly named Do not Try HIM at Home. Writing this book has been a challenging yet also a healing journey. Through writing, I discovered my true purpose: to help fellow professional women who have survived toxic relationships. I want to help them rewrite their stories. To rewrite the scripts of their lives.

This book may make you laugh, cry, think, wonder, shiver – it is all good. You are not alone.

HIM number 1

THE WOMANISER

Rock the Casbah

A regular Saturday night in November 1991. Out on the town with a friend. Food, drinks and hey, why not go for a little dance? We headed to a disco (yup, we called clubs ‘discos’ in those days) situated in a beautiful building on an Amsterdam canal. Lots of people, lots of laughter, lots of drinks. Who spotted who, I can’t recall. But there he was. Handsome fellow. British. Northern accent. Would I like to dance? Sure. The first song we danced to was Rock the Casbah, by the Clash. A prediction from above if ever I saw one... for he sold me a sweet story, like they do in a casbah. A place you are lured into. Many shiny objects. Slick talk. A hint of hidden treasures. Sultry whispers. Your mind says, Be aware, this is what the travel guide (aka your mom) has warned you about — if it looks too good to be true ... But you want to believe. Kismet. Kiss whilst you have only just met. Another dance. It seemed like a fairy-tale. 1001 Arabian Nights. We did not last that long though — the inevitable clash had already been written in the stars.

Fall and rise

My friend was staying with me that night. That blocked a potential after-party. We kissed and said our goodbyes. Would I like to have dinner the next evening? For sure. We met in a pizzeria. A rainy Sunday evening. We did not stay there for too long. He took me to the room he was renting (or so I thought), just around the corner. Reginald Perrin was on the telly. Oh universe, I know... that series was called The Fall and Rise. I rose to the occasion, feeling desired. I fell flat on my face soon though —