It's Not You! It's Me: A Guide to Understanding The Complexities of Relationships

By Elita Hall

T'S NOT YOU! ITS ME! Is a  19 chapter guide to understanding the complexities of relationships, which cover well know stages of relationships such as the Romance Stage, The Power Struggle Stage, The Stability Stage, The Commitment Stage, The Co-Creation or Bliss Stage, and Endings.

IT'S NOT YOU! ITS ME! Is more than just ano

• Language: English
• Publisher: Think Doctor Publications
• Release date: Nov 27, 2016
• ISBN: 9781684180431

Book preview

About The Author

I work in adult mental health in a secondary care National Health Service (NHS) outpatient psychology service. I provide psychological therapy for adults with mental health problems who are referred by their general practitioner (GP) and other medical professionals. I work with a range of mental health problems including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder and social anxiety, including bereavement and divorce.

Table of Contents

About The Author

Table of Contents

Introduction

Looking For The Perfect One

Waiting to Meet Ms. Perfect?

Women on Dating - What Makes for a Perfect Guy

How To Know Mr Right

In The Beginning

Is There Really Someone for Everyone?

Opposites Attract

First Impressions

Tips For Dating On A Budget

Where To Go On Your First Date

Shy Dating - A Few Things To Know

What To Talk About On A Date

Deciding If You Click

The Courtship and Relationship Game

5 Stages of Relationships

5 Stages of Courtship

Four Cs of Fantastic Relationships

The Different Stages of a Relationship

The Pick Choose and Refuse Process

Love at First Sight – Is It Possible?

Relationship Aspects and Characteristics

Know Your Partners Values Beforehand

Compatibility Is Key To A Successful Relationship

Is My Boyfriend A Good Match For Me?

Rich Men Dating

Men Dating Taller Women - Success Tips

Personality Dating Tips and Advantages

Cross Cultural Relationships Avoiding The Pitfalls

Questions to Ask Potential Dating Partners

Tips For Dating A Woman With Kids

The Dating Game: Rules of Engagement

Dating Rules

Common Sense Dating Rules

When Is It Time To Define The Relationship?

When To Take The Next Step

Sex In A Relationship Early Or Later

Looking At Casual and Sexual Relationships

Online Faking and Dating

How To Be Successful With Online Dating Sites

Avoid The Perils Of Online Dating For Seniors

The Dos And Don’ts Of Computer Dating

Are Online Relationships Healthy?

Are Online Relationships Cheating?

Taking Online Dating Offline

The Risks of Online Dating

Online Dating Mistakes

Age is Just a Number Unless You’re Poor and Broke

Seniors Dating – Don’t Let Anxiety Stop You

Age Differences In Dating

7 Tips To Success With Senior Singles Dating

Successful Dating as You Grow Older

Why Are Older Men Dating Younger Women?

Why Are Older Men Dating Younger Women?

What You Need To Know About Dating Older Men

Advice For Men Dating Young Women

Women Dating Younger Men

"Till Divorce Do We Part

10 Secrets to Achieving Marital Harmony

10 Secrets To A Happy Marriage

Is Your Marriage in Crisis?

How to Keep Your Marriage Alive

Marriage Infidelity

Strategies for Saving a Marriage

How to Get Your Ex Wife Back in Four Steps

Don’t Fake It To Make it

10 Tips For a More Exciting Relationship

10 Ways to Recharge Your Romance

10 Incredibly Nice Things to Do For Him

How To Be A Better Girlfriend

How To Be Romantic With Your Girlfriend

How To Increase Chemistry In Relationships

Understand what chemistry is

Develop a rapport

Use humor

Adrenaline is your friend

Express yourself

Enhance the physical

How To Be More Affectionate With Your Girlfriend

Are You Sure You’re Just Friends?

Tips for Dealing with Jealousy - Get Real

Jealously Kills Relationships

How To Deal With Jealousy - and Not Kill Yourself

Dealing with a Possessive Partner

Is The Grass Greener on The Other Side?

Infidelity in Relationships

Monogamous Relationships Do They Work?

Dating Exclusively Is It For You?

Cheating In Relationships

How to Catch a Cheating Partner

Warning Signs Emotional Affair

Emotional Affair or Friendship

Think Before You Start An Affair!

The Truth About Romantic Friendships

Open Relationships and Marriages

Moving Past Betrayal

Relationship After Cheating - You Can Save It

Love On The Rocks

Is Your Relationship Is On the Rocks!

Identifying The Relationship Problem

Discuss The Problem With Your Significant Other.

Always Make Sure That Love Is Present.

7 Signs of Trouble in Dating Relationships

How To Recognize Warning Signs of a Breakup

Here are some of the most common warning signs of a breakup:

6 Signs of A Toxic Relationship

4 Tips For Avoiding A Bad Relationship

Power Struggles In Relationships

How to Fight Fairly

My Boyfriend Wants To Take A Break

Breaking Up is Hard To Do Sometimes

Common Reasons for Relationship Breakups

Dealing With A Relationship You Don’t Want

3 Top Reasons Men Dump Women

Is There a Right Way to End A Relationship?

The Worst Times to Break Up with Someone

When To End a Relationship

4 Stages of Emotions Following a Break Up

Emotional Stages of A Relationship Breakup

How The Road! How To Break Up With a Partner

Ending A Relationship - How To Stay Strong

Breaking Up With Your Boyfriend

Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend

How to Write Break Up Letters to Boyfriend

Break Up Help Advice

Your Relationship: Is It Dead or Alive?

Do I Need Relationship Help?

Is It Worth It To Enter Relationship Counselling

How To Stop A Relationship Breakup?

Making Up Before You Break Up

How Can I Stop My Divorce?

Communication Issues In Relationships

Heartaches Are Temporary Visitors Learn From The Past

How To Get Over Someone - Who Dumped You

He Dumped Me - Now What Do I Do

Hurting Over A Breakup Relationship Help

Surviving a Boyfriend Break Up

Getting Over a Guy Who Doesn't Love You Back

Best Way Men Coping With Being Dumped

Overcoming Rejection A Guide For Guys

Dealing With Break Up - From Top To Bottom

Dumped Boyfriend - You Aint Dead In The Water

Handling The Emotions of A Break Up

Relationship Breakups - How To Stay Friends

Taking Control and Moving On

Ex-Boyfriends and Future Relationships

Ex-Boyfriend Advice - Focus On Your Future

Relationship Breakups Before And After

Dating after Divorce Can Be Easy Or Difficult

From The Ex To The Next

How Soon Is Too Soon Or Not Soon Enough?

Rebound Relationships

Making The Rebound Relationship Work For You

Time To De-Clutter

Ex-Boyfriend Jewellery - Keep It Or Trash It

Ex-Boyfriend Pictures - Keep or Toss

I Want You Back

How Do I Get Back with My Ex After a Breakup

7 Ways NOT To Get Back Together With Ex

I’m Still In Love - My Ex Is Not

My Ex-Girlfriend Says She Needs Space

Getting The Ex Back Who Left For Someone Else

Dealing With A Stalking Ex-Boyfriend or Girlfriend

Ignore The Ex-Boyfriend Who Wants You Back

How To Get Your Ex Back In Five Stages

Is Getting Back With Your Ex a Good Idea?

The Exit: Moving On

Dumped Girlfriend – How to Move On

Assess Yourself So You Can Move On

Is You’re Moving On Break Up Tearing You Up

Getting Over The Break Up And Moving On Cycle

Bad Break Up - Hurts - But Can Be Positive

5 Lessons Learned From Previous Break Ups

5 Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship

Introduction

For most people, it’s important to have a really great relationship in their lives. This relationship needs to be solid as well as meaningful if it’s going to help you stay happy and successful. It’s this connection with that special someone that gives you comforts when you need it, intellectual and mental stimulation when you want it, and the return of the love that you offer. A good relationship lets you have your needs met and lets you meet the needs of your partner.

That’s why it’s so important that you have a nurturing relationship in your life. It goes a long way to keeping you psychologically well. The way you interact with your significant other can affect the amount of stress and anger you carry around with you. It can also affect how happy you are. It’s been proven that when you have a great relationship, the less likely you’ll be to develop depression.

Everyone needs someone special in their lives. When you develop a quality relationship, you feel prosperous.

The more you branch out to connect with someone in a meaningful way, the happier you’ll be. However, it must be the type of relationship that’s right for you. It’s important to know what you’re looking for in a relationship. Therefore, you need to examine what you want from your relationship.

Ask yourself some questions like: What are your relationship goals?

Do you want and need for the connection between you and your partner to become stronger in all areas?

Are you interested in being part of a couple that gets along well with others or do you feel that your time is better spent with quality people?

Do you want to be with someone that likes to expand your circle of friends for both business and personal reasons, and do you need help moving past your shyness?

If any of those are true, next you need to figure out why you want those things in your relationship. Do you just want to get more fun out of life? Are you trying to protect yourself from feeling lonely? Is it possible that you just want to build your personal confidence levels higher?

You can add your own questions to this list, but before you start adding to it, you should probably try figuring out the answers to these first. The more clear you are about what you expect from your relationship, the stronger your intentions will be to make these things happen for you. When all of these things flow together, you’ll know that you’ve got the best relationship for you. Now it’s time to sit back and make the decision of what you want to accomplish in your relationship and the reasons for that. All it takes is to choose a particular target to begin with. Then, decide how that will help you in strengthening the relationship that you need in your life. When you focus on a positive outcome, that’s what you’ll get in your relationship.

Looking For The Perfect One

Waiting to Meet Ms. Perfect?

It must be really tough. Do you think you are just a victim of bad luck and that’s the reason Ms. Perfect hasn’t appeared in your life yet? Or have you decided that maybe Ms. Perfect only exists on movie screens and not out here in the real world? BINGO! You’ve got it. She doesn’t exist anywhere except in your imagination and on movie screens.

The truth of the matter is that the reason Ms. Perfect hasn't appeared has nothing to do with your luck, good or bad, but everything to do with you and the fact that you are busy looking for a person that doesn't exist! You can't date with your eyes closed and some impossible dream in your head. You'll get so caught up in this whole exercise of dating that you forget to look for the qualities you seek! You haven't met the person of your dreams because you aren't looking for the things that will make them close enough to perfect for you.

You are so confident that every woman you have met could not give you what you wanted. But what was it that you wanted in the first place? Once you are sure of what you want, you will know exactly what to look for in your woman. What are the qualities that you feel are necessary in a person? What are the attributes you are willing to make a compromise on? Have you thought about all these?

Remember, that nobody on this earth is perfect. Everybody has faults…some are bigger faults than other faults. Some are faults you can overlook and some are faults that you couldn’t overlook on your best day and if she was the most beautiful, most sexy woman on the planet.

When you meet a woman, remember, however hard you try to impress others, you cannot control their thought processes. Instead, it’s far better to concentrate on your needs and desires, and how much of what you need would be fulfilled if you dated this woman.

Women on Dating - What Makes for a Perfect Guy

Men spend a lot of time trying to figure out what women want.  Often, women won’t come right out and tell you what she needs.  Instead, she sends out coy signals which she expects you to interpret.  So, here I’m going to be straight with you.  This is women on dating – what makes for a perfect boyfriend?

When talking to each other, women on dating say that it is important for a boyfriend to stick up for her.  While she doesn’t want to be smothered, a woman does like to be slightly protected.  One way you demonstrate this is to stick up for her when someone challenges her. 

Another thing women on dating talk about is whether a guy knows how to cheer her up.  Women are moody (you already knew that) and often fall into funks.  A man who knows how to return a woman to the sunny disposition that she wants to project is a godsend.

When talking about the men in their lives, women say that they like their guys to be affectionate in public.  This doesn’t mean pawing at them.  But, giving her a hug when you meet, holding her hand, and slipping your arm around her shoulders when she is with her friends are all physical signs that she belongs to you. 

One thing most women say they wish their boyfriends did more of is dance.  Many women are quite uninhibited on the dance floor and they want their guys to share this passion.  Unfortunately, many men shy away from this pursuit because they feel like they have two left feet.  But your girlfriend doesn’t care that you are not the smoothest man on the floor.  What she cares about is that you are out there with her.

Dancing is a great way to get a woman primed to go to bed with you as well.  When you demonstrate your moves on the floor, she is likely to welcome you into her bedroom.

Another thing, say women on dating, is that you should call more often.  Call her for no reason.  Call to say I miss you.  Call and let her chat.  Your picking up the phone lets her know that you think about her even when she isn’t around.

To that end, be the one who says I love you.  Women are often willing to say it earlier in the relationship than men.  Also, when guys love a woman, they express it with actions.  Some bring women gifts.  Others are affectionate.  But a woman needs to hear those three little words.

Another thing woman on dating say is that they like it when you are nice to your mom and female relatives.  Even if they are not looking at marriage or a long term relationship, women like to know that you would be a good husband. 

Finally, one of the things you can do to really capture a woman’s heart is to – occasionally – watch a chick flick.  She probably watches football with you from time to time.  You can reciprocate by watching a romantic comedy with her.  Know that doing this a couple of times a year is sufficient.  That’s four hours out of your life.  She’s worth it.

So, that is what women on dating say they want.

How To Know Mr Right

We all know that no one is perfect.  So, when you are one your search for Mr. Right, you can't expect someone who is perfect, but you can expect someone who is perfect...for you.  Do yourself a favour before you start your search, take some time on you.  Make sure you are a secure confidant woman who knows who she is and what she wants (though I don't mean an inflexible ice queen).  Once you're at that place you will find that you will attract an awful lot of great guys since 'like attracts like'.  Once you've met someone, here are some tips to follow to determine how to know Mr. Right.

1. What types of qualities are important to you?  Is honesty, humour, sensitivity, etc. what you'd want in a mate?  First you need to know what traits you would want in a man. That may sound obvious, but most people don't take the time to think about that.  Don't expect your Mr. Right to have all of these traits, but as long as he has most of them to some degree that is a good sign that you've found someone you could be happy with for the long term.

2.  One trait that probably wasn't on your Mr. Right wish list was manipulative.  If your new guy tries to control you, and you have to be careful since it can sometimes be very subtle, then my guess would be you wouldn't be happy with someone like that for the rest of your life.

3.  Most women think of Mr. Right as someone they would want to marry and start a family with.  You don't want to rush it, but at some point early in the relationship there is nothing wrong with asking him what he wants in his future.  When you ask that question don't make it about you or your relationship, but make it more generic.  For example, you could casually ask if he thinks he'll have kids someday.  That's not an unreasonable question to ask, though you should probably wait until you've dated a few times first. 

A Mr. Right type of guy would probably answer that question with something like: Sure, some day I'd love to get married and have kids, or something to that effect. 

If a guy gets overly sensitive or defensive to that simple question than more than likely he really isn't looking for that type of relationship with you and you might want to consider looking elsewhere.

Just remember that finding Mr. Right doesn't have to happen on some time frame, it will probably happen when you least expect it. But do yourself a favour, make sure you keep your eyes open and that you see what is really there and not just what you want to be there.  Too often women will settle for Mr. Wrong because they pretended he was Mr. Right.  Follow this advice and you will know how to know Mr. Right when you meet him!

In The Beginning

Is There Really Someone for Everyone?

Something that keeps many single people hopeful is the belief that there’s someone in the world for everyone.  This may or may not be true depending on the type of person you’re looking for and what you want to have with this person. So, in actuality, it’s this part that decides if there’s a match for everyone in the world that wants one. It all comes down to what you want to have with another person.

The easiest of all connections is the one night stand. Just about any decent looking person can score one of these. Usually, these happen just because a person has an itch that needs to be scratched. You get all dressed up and hit some of the more crowded and popular meet markets. That’s where you’ll find other people just like you that are looking for those few minutes or few hours of physical intimacy with someone else. This is pretty simple to make happen. The downside of it is that for many people it turns out to be less than fulfilling. In fact, it can actually only make that emptiness inside of you that much more lonely. For others, though, it does the trick until the next time the itch starts.

The next type of connection that may be the simplest to achieve is the person for dating and casual sex. This one is better than the one night stand but doesn’t require a commitment from either party. These are two people that like a lot of the same things and are attracted to each other sexually. While this may sound a lot like the beginning of a real relationship, it can actually be the result of a good friendship. This is all some people require to be happy.

Then, there’s the relationship where a couple are in love and live together with no intentions of getting married. These couples can be either monogamous or have an open style relationship. This type of relationship is becoming more popular in recent times for many reasons.

Then, there’s the traditional relationship where a couple is in love with each other and choose to follow the approach of actually getting married. This relationship is a lot more difficult to have than the other ones because it’s much more serious. In a marriage, two people are committing to each other and making some pretty strong promises to each other in the process. They’re promising not to be with anyone else and to stay together in good times and bad times until death parts them. This is the ultimate goal of many single people and is the hardest to attain, yet it CAN be done.

One last type of relationship, and not too common, is the trial relationship. A ceremony is conducted that binds a couple together for a certain time period, usually one year. If, at the end of that time, they want to enter into a traditional marriage, that’s what will happen. If they’ve decided it’s not what they wanted, they can part ways peacefully. So, all in all, there just may be someone for everyone in the world. It just comes down to what you’re looking for.

Opposites Attract

You may remember a song by singer, choreographer, and ex- American Idol judge, Paula Abdul, from several years ago called Opposites Attract. In that song, she was singing about all the aspects of her personality and that of her partner’s that were totally different. She was trying to get the point across that, although there were so many opposite things about her and her partner, that they still loved each other frantically. If you ever saw the video for that song, you will see just HOW different they really were.

Even though this was a song and not real life, the things that Paula sang about are totally true. Opposites can, and do, attract each other all the time. What happens after that depends on how well the couple meshes in other areas of their lives and relationships. They can be as different as night and day, but if the love is strong enough and there are SOME things that they have in common, these relationships work out all the time. Something to consider is that people who are completely opposite from each other can, many times, complement each other. They can make each other stronger and better as people. For instance, suppose there is a couple where one partner has a short fuse with a terrible temper and the other one is very laid back and rarely gets upset over anything.

The partner who is a bit too laid back can often help the partner with the terrible temper. That partner can introduce calmness and stability into the relationship. On the other hand, the partner who is so volatile can help the one who tends to let people walk all over him or her. This works out quite well all the time.

Another area where this can work is by trying out the tastes and interests of each other. If one of you hates action movies while the other one detests romantic comedies, you can certainly compromise once in a while and try out a highly acclaimed film in both categories. Who knows? It just may give you both a new area of interest to enjoy together.

The idea behind relationships between opposite people is that they will balance each other in positive ways. If the love is there, and the attraction is there, it is very possible for other aspects of these relationships to work out nicely. Obviously, it will take some cooperation on both parts, but that does not mean it cannot be done. Many of the greatest relationships in history have been between two people who were so opposite from each other that there should never have been a reason for the relationship to work. Yet, these did, and were very happy ones. 

In a relationship between opposite personalities, there are strengths and weaknesses. It is the meshing of these attributes that makes it all work. The weak become stronger and the stronger become a bit more mellow. In the end, what could be more perfect?

First Impressions

There has always been debate over whether or not a bad first impression completely destroys your chances with a member of the opposite sex.