Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Parent

By Lynda Cheldelin Fell and Heather Wallace Rey

Patti was 14 when her father died suddenly of a heart attack. Mary was 26 when her father died from a fall. Vicki was 5 when her mother died in a freak car accident. They all have one thing in common: a journey of intense heartache and a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from sadness and disbelief to seeking understanding, healing, and hope.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AlyBlue Media
• Release date: Dec 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781944328207

Lynda Cheldelin Fell

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL is an educator, speaker, author of over 30 books including the award-winning Grief Diaries, and founder of the International Grief Institute. Visit www.LyndaFell.com.

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SURVIVING LOSS OF A PARENT

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CONTENTS

SURVIVING LOSS OF A PARENT

TESTIMONIALS

DEDICATION

FOREWORD

PREFACE

1. THE BEGINNING

2. THE AFTERMATH

3. THE FUNERAL

4. THE TRANSITION

5. THE QUESTION

6. THE DATES

7. THE HOLIDAYS

8. THE BELONGINGS

9. THE DARKNESS

10. THE FRIENDS

11. THE RELATIONSHIPS

12. THE FAITH

13. OUR HEALTH

14. THE QUIET

15. OUR FEAR

16. OUR COMFORT

17. OUR SILVER LINING

18. OUR HOPE

19. OUR JOURNEY

20. FINDING THE SUNRISE

MEET THE WRITERS

THANK YOU

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

ABOUT THE SERIES

ALYBLUE MEDIA TITLES

Grief Diaries

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SURVIVING LOSS OF A PARENT

True stories about

finding healing and hope

after losing a parent

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

WITH

HEATHER WALLACE-REY

FOREWORD BY CHRISTINE DUMINIAK

Radio Co-Host, Author &

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

A portion of proceeds from the sale of this book is donated to

Save the Children Federation, a nonprofit organization investing in children in times of crisis. For more information, visit www.savethechildren.org.

Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Parent – 1st ed.

True stories about ordinary people surviving loss of a parent.

Lynda Cheldelin Fell/Heather Wallace-Rey

Grief Diaries www.GriefDiaries.com

Cover Design by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Interior Design by AlyBlue Media LLC

Published by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Copyright © 2015 by AlyBlue Media All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-1-944328-07-8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015918117

AlyBlue Media, LLC

Ferndale, WA 98248

www.AlyBlueMedia.com

This book is a collection of stories designed to provide narrations only to readers. It is sold with the understanding that the writers, authors, nor publisher is not engaged to render any type of psychological, legal, or any other kind of professional advice. The content is the sole expression and opinion of the writers. No warranties or guarantees are expressed or implied by the choice to include any of the content in this book. Neither the publisher nor the author or writers shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential or other damages. Our views and rights are the same: You are responsible for your own choices, actions and results.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

GRIEF DIARIES

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TESTIMONIALS

CRITICALLY IMPORTANT . . . I want to say to Lynda that what you are doing is so critically important. –DR. BERNICE A. KING, Daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King

DEEPLY INTIMATE . . . Grief Diaries is a deeply intimate, authentic collection of narratives that speak to the powerful, often ambiguous, and wide spectrum of emotions that arise from loss. I so appreciate the vulnerability and truth embedded in these stories, which honor and bear witness to the many forms of bereavement that arise in the aftermath of death.  

-DR. ERICA GOLDBLATT HYATT, Chair of Psychology, Bryn Athyn College

MOVING . . . We learn from stories throughout life. In Grief Diaries, the stories are not only moving but often provide a rich background for any mourner to find a gem of insight that can be used in coping with loss. Reread each story with pen in hand and you will find many that are just right for you.

-DR. LOUIS LAGRAND, Author of Healing Grief, Finding Peace

STUNNING . . . Grief Diaries treats the reader to a rare combination of candor and fragility through the eyes of the bereaved. Delving into the deepest recesses of the heartbroken, the reader easily identifies with the diverse collection of stories and richly colored threads of profound love that create a stunning read full of comfort and hope. -DR. GLORIA HORSLEY, President, Open to Hope Foundation

A FORCE . . .The writers of this project, the Grief Diaries anthology series, are a force to be reckoned with. I'm betting we will be agents of great change.

-MARY LEE ROBINSON, Author and Founder of Set an Extra Plate initiative

WONDERFUL . . .Grief Diaries is a wonderful computation of stories written by the best of experts, the bereaved themselves. Thank you for building awareness about a topic so near and dear to my heart. -DR. HEIDI HORSLEY, Adjunct Professor, School of Social Work, Columbia University, Author, Co-Founder of Open to Hope Organization

"OUTSTANDING . . .Lynda and her team did an outstanding job of moving all contributors through the process in a gentle, yet efficient way. Most importantly, the project team set up questions for contributors that were fashioned to elicit thoughtful and insightful answers.

-MARY LEE ROBINSON, Author, The Widow or Widower Next Door

HOPE AND HEALING . . . You are a pioneer in this field and you are breaking the trail for others to find hope and healing.

-KRISTI SMITH, Bestselling Author & International Speaker

AMAZING . . . This is so amazing that after all these years of dealing with all the issues I’ve had in my life, I’m finally feeling like I’m not alone in all this.

-DEBBIE PFIFFNER, Contributor to Grief Diaries:  Grieving for the Living

"GLOBAL . . .One of The Five Facets of Healing mantras is together we can heal a world of hurt. This anthology series is testimony to the power we have as global neighbors to do just that."

-ANNAH ELIZABETH, Founder of The Five Facets of Healing 

GRATEFUL . . .This journey, while the intent has been to guide and encourage others through this path of darkness, has provided invaluable insights into my feelings, allowing validation of those feelings by the person who matters most -- me!  I am grateful for this opportunity. -NANCY HAMMINK REDMOND, participant in Loss of a Spouse & Loss by Homicide

HEALING . . . This was one of the hardest journeys I have led myself on and yet I would do it all over again. Healing is a hard process, of so many emotions but there is no time frame on how long it will take and through this project I have come closer to feeling healed. -TERESA BROWN, participant in Loss of a Parent & Grieving for the Living

REWARDING . . .This experience has been very rewarding for me. Just being able to talk with others who have walked this road.  

-MONICA MIRKES, participant in Surviving Loss of a Child

POWERFUL . . .I'm so glad that I have been a part of something so powerful. -MARY SUTHERLAND, participant in Grieving for the Living

INCREDIBLE . . .Thank you so much for doing this project, it’s absolutely incredible! -JULIE MJELVE, Founder, Grieving Together 

SURVIVING LOSS OF A PARENT

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DEDICATION

To our loved ones:

Moments are fleeting,

memories are permanent,

love is forever.

Charles Adkins

Alfred Comlin

Dianne Franklin

Bonnie Handy

Shirley Martin

JoAnne Ninni

Doris Osborne

Ann Rugel

Marc Von Utter

John Witt Wallace

David Watkins

BY CHRISTINE DUMINIAK

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FOREWORD

What is a parent? And why is it so devastating to lose one? Whether a child has been blessed with parents who are loving, kind, nourishing, supportive, and superlative role models, or whether one has been unfortunate enough to experience the polar opposite, parents play a life-long role in the self-worth and character development of their children from birth.

Our mothers are the first person we see when we come out of the womb and into the world. Because our parents bear the immense responsibility for giving us life, and are expected to lovingly guide and nourish us until we can take care of ourselves, a parent’s role is the most important and essential one given to them. Every dependent child is aware of this. They are always looking toward the parent for their physical needs, as well as feelings of love, acceptance, and security.

Whether it is a love-love, love-hate, or hate-hate relationship, our interpersonal experiences or lack of them with our parent(s) shape who we are for the rest of our lives. The good, the bad and the ugly. Over the years I have noticed that no matter how much turmoil or dysfunction may occur in the child-parent relationship, children who are grown adults will continually refer to their parents’ virtues and vices, and how it has affected them. Their experiences with their parents are so intertwined in their minds, hearts, memories, personalities and values, that the child who is now a grown adult will always feel a bond and a link, whether or not they want to. They can’t escape this connection. It is seems to be almost interwoven into their DNA.

When a parent is still alive, there is always the hope that sharing the good times, the significant events, and the treasured moments will continue on forever. There is always the hope that the grown child, who did not feel loved or wanted, will suddenly discover from their parent that the child had been mistaken; that they were indeed loved and wanted after all. There is always the hope that there can be a reconciliation if one is needed. When the parent is no longer alive, those particular hopes and dreams are crushed and ended. And these are some of the reasons why it is so devastating to lose a parent.

What Lynda Cheldelin Fell has made possible in her poignant Grief Diaries anthologies, is to give the writer the therapeutic opportunity to express their feelings. It gives the reader the precious gift of community and comfort. The knowledge they are not alone. That their very emotional feelings do not mean that they are crazy. They are just grieving. The Grief Diaries series help to educate the public on why bereavement is such a gut-wrenching soul issue that affects the very core of every griever, and what we can do to help ourselves and others who are suffering. Thank you, Lynda, for your gift to the bereavement community.

I believe the moving stories in Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Parent will touch your heart and give you the hope that there is healing to come and you too can and will experience it.

God bless you.

CHRISTINE DUMINIAK

Certified Grief Recovery Specialist

Radio Co-Host, Speaker, & Author

BY LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

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PREFACE

One night in 2007, I had one of those dreams, the vivid kind you can’t shake. In the dream, I was the front seat passenger in a car and my daughter Aly was sitting behind the driver. Suddenly, the car missed a curve in the road and sailed into a lake. The driver and I escaped the sinking car, but Aly did not. My beloved daughter was gone. The only evidence left behind was a book floating in the water where she disappeared.

Two years later, on August 5, 2009, that horrible nightmare became reality when Aly died as a back seat passenger in a car accident. Returning home from a swim meet, the car carrying Aly and two of her teammates was T-boned by a father coming home from work. My beautiful fifteen-year-old daughter took the brunt of the impact, and died instantly. She was the only fatality.

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any worse, it did. My dear sweet hubby buried his head—and grief—in the sand. He escaped into eighty-hour work weeks, more wine, more food, and less talking. His blood pressure shot up, his cholesterol went off the chart, and the perfect storm arrived on June 4, 2012. In an instant, my husband felt a strange warmth spread inside his head. He began drooling, and couldn’t speak. My 46-years-young soulmate was having a major stroke.

My husband survived the stroke, but couldn’t speak, read, or write, and his right side was paralyzed. He needed assistance just to sit up in bed. He needed full-time care. Still reeling from the loss of our daughter, I found myself again thrust into a fog of grief so thick, I couldn’t see through the storm. Adrenaline and autopilot resumed their familiar place at the helm.

In the aftermath of losing Aly and my husband’s stroke, I eventually discovered that helping others was a powerful way to heal my own heart. The Grief Diaries series was born and built on this belief. By writing books narrating our journeys through life’s challenges and hardships, our written words become a portable support group for others. When we swap stories, we feel less alone. It is comforting to know someone else understands the shoes we walk in, and the challenges we face along the way.

Which brings us to this book, Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Parent. Whether losing a parent happens as a result of the natural order of life, or occurs much earlier than expected, the aftermath can take our breath away. Further, you might encounter people who don’t understand your emotions. This is where the Grief Diaries series can help. Helen Keller once said, Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light. This is especially true in the aftermath of a life-changing experience. If you have a brain injury, or love someone who lives with one, the following true stories are written by courageous people who know exactly how you feel, for they’ve been in your shoes and walked the same path. Perhaps the shoes are a different size or style, but may you find comfort in these stories and the understanding that you aren’t truly alone on the journey. For we walk ahead, behind, and right beside you.

Wishing you healing, and hope from the Grief Diaries village.

Warm regards,

Lynda Cheldelin Fell

CHAPTER ONE

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THE BEGINNING

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

-F. ALEXANDER MAGOUN

Grief and sorrow is as unique to each individual as his or her fingerprints. In order to fully appreciate one’s perspective, it is helpful to understand one’s journey. In this chapter each writer shares that moment when they lost their parent to help you understand when life as they knew it ended, and a new one began.

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SOPHIE BLOWERS

Sophie was 50 when her mother Amy

died at age 79 of internal bleeding

How do I describe my mom? She was a bundle of contradictions, especially toward the end of her life. Amy, my mother, was born to a very poor farming family in upstate New York. She was the kid who literally got one pair of shoes a year and put cardboard in the bottom when the soles wore out. This led her to be determined that her children would never be without the desires of their hearts. She was generous with those she loved to a fault. I used to say that I had to watch her finances because she would be the little old lady eating cat food while she paid for her children to dine on filet mignon.

My father worked for the United States Government. We, my parents and four siblings, traveled the world and got to experience things that many dream of. I watched my mom entertain ambassadors and foreign dignitaries with an ease that would have put the finest event planner to shame. She always reminded me of Jackie Kennedy Onassis. She dressed like her, had amazing poise and seemed to be flawless in her ability to make everything look easy. Memories of fine china and white linen are as ingrained in my childhood recollections as Barbies and Match Box cars. Mom was simply magnificent when she was in her element.

My father died in 2001 from pharyngeal cancer. It was slow and ugly. My oldest sister and I made a pact during that time. Our motto was no regrets. Looking back, I have none. I was there constantly for my dad; my world stopped that year. When it was time to say goodbye, I was holding his hand and there was no doubt in my mind or in his how deep our love for the other was. In retrospect, I was afforded that luxury because Mom was once again doing her Jackie Onassis impression and keeping everything running flawlessly. We supported her and dad, but she was definitely the backbone. I hated what happened that year, but I have no regrets. I wish I could say the same for my mom’s passing.

People loved mom, but she never fully trusted their loyalty. She was always sure that she was not up to the standards of others. Her self-confidence was frighteningly low. She masked it well most of her life, but toward the end, as her filters began to fade, I saw how the fear of what she perceived others’ opinions to be had removed much of the joy from her life. It was a shame because it was all self-induced. As I said, people loved her; she just did not allow herself to be vulnerable enough to be fully loved. In June 2014, I received a call from my oldest sister saying she thought mom had had a stroke. I threw some clothes into a suitcase and immediately began the twelve-hour drive to my mom’s house, while my sister began her nine-hour drive. It was the beginning of the longest seven months of my life. Mom had indeed had a stroke and would require extended hospital and post-hospital therapy to recover. Again, my sister and I made a pact, no regrets.

I can honestly say that from that point on, Mom was not alone for one single day until she died on January 21, 2015. We battled through stroke recovery, which is a story unto itself. One must experience it firsthand to even begin to understand the trials that accompany stroke recovery. We were two weeks away from Mom being able to live independently when she took a small fall. Due to the blood thinners she was on, we went to the hospital for a precautionary check-up. They found lung cancer.

After consulting with specialists, looking at Mom’s overall health and mental state, we decided to go with an intense five-day radiation plan known as CyberKnife. Mom did fantastic. Although we would not be sure of the results for six months, we felt very confident and went into the holiday season with high hopes for the future.

Thanksgiving and Christmas went by with no glitches. We were happy and had a house full of children and grandchildren. It was a happy time. My sister came to my home to stay with Mom so I could go on my annual family vacation between the week of Christmas and New Year’s. We wanted Mom to go with us, but she was just not prepared for the