Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Loved One

By Lynda Cheldelin Fell, Kasi Cheldelin and Mary Lee Claflin

Kasi’s cousin died in a car accident in 2009. Mary Lee’s grandson died of carbon monoxide poisoning in 1998. Kayla’s uncle died by suicide in 2001.

Part of the award-winning Grief Diaries series, Surviving Loss of a Loved One shares the poignant stories of people who have all lost someone close

• Language: English
• Publisher: AlyBlue Media
• Release date: Dec 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781944328221

Lynda Cheldelin Fell

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL is an educator, speaker, author of over 30 books including the award-winning Grief Diaries, and founder of the International Grief Institute. Visit www.LyndaFell.com.

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SURVIVING LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

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CONTENTS

SURVIVING LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

TESTIMONIALS

DEDICATION

FOREWORD

PREFACE

1. THE BEGINNING

2. THE AFTERMATH

3. THE FUNERAL

4. THE TRANSITION

5. THE QUESTION

6. THE DATES

7. THE HOLIDAYS

8. THE BELONGINGS

9. THE DARKNESS

10. THE FRIENDS

11. THE RELATIONSHIPS

12. THE FAITH

13. OUR HEALTH

14. THE QUIET

15. OUR FEAR

16. OUR COMFORT

17. OUR SILVER LINING

18. OUR HOPE

19. OUR JOURNEY

20. FINDING THE SUNRISE

MEET THE WRITERS

THANK YOU

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

ABOUT THE SERIES

ALYBLUE MEDIA TITLES

HEALING TOGETHER PROGRAM

Grief Diaries

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SURVIVING LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

True stories of surviving loss

of a best friend, uncle, niece,

grandchild and more

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

with

MARY LEE CLAFLIN

KASI CHELDELIN

FOREWORD BY MARYELLEN ROACH

Grief Diaries

Surviving Loss of a Loved One – 1st ed.

True stories of surviving loss of a best friend, uncle, niece, grandchild and more

Lynda Cheldelin Fell/Mary Lee Claflin/Kasi Cheldelin

Grief Diaries www.GriefDiaries.com

Cover Design by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Interior Design by AlyBlue Media LLC

Published by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Copyright © 2015 by AlyBlue Media All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-1-944328-13-9

Library of Congress Catalog Number: 2015916912 

AlyBlue Media, LLC

Ferndale, WA 98248

www.AlyBlueMedia.com

This book is designed to provide informative narrations to readers. It is sold with the understanding that the writers or publisher is not engaged to render any type of psychological, legal, or any other kind of professional advice. The content is the sole expression and opinion of the authors and writers. No warranties or guarantees are expressed or implied by the choice to include any of the content in this book. Neither the publisher nor the author or writers shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential or other damages. Our views and rights are the same: You are responsible for your own choices, actions and results.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

GRIEF DIARIES

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TESTIMONIALS

"CRITICALLY IMPORTANT . . . I want to say to Lynda that what you are doing is so critically important."

–DR. BERNICE A. KING, Daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King

"INSPIRATIONAL . . . Grief Diaries: Loss by Impaired Driving is the result of heartfelt testimonials from a dedicated and loving group of people. By sharing their stories, the reader will learn the true devastation that impaired driving causes, and perhaps find inspiration and a renewed sense of comfort as they move through their own journey." -CANDACE LIGHTNER, Founder of Mothers Against Drunk Driving

"DEEPLY INTIMATE . . . Loss of a Parent is a deeply intimate, authentic collection of narratives that speak to the powerful, often ambiguous, and wide spectrum of emotions that arise from the loss of one's mother or father. I so appreciate the vulnerability and truth embedded in these stories, which honor and bear witness to the many forms of bereavement that arise in the aftermath of parental death."  

-DR. ERICA GOLDBLATT HYATT, Chair of Psychology, Bryn Athyn College

"MOVING . . . We learn from stories throughout life. In Grief Diaries: Loss of a Parent the stories are not only moving but often provide a rich background for any mourner to find a gem of insight that can be used in coping with loss.  Reread each story with pen in hand and you will find many that are just right for you." -DR. LOUIS LAGRAND, Author of Healing Grief, Finding Peace

"STUNNING . . . Grief Diaries treats the reader to a rare combination of candor and fragility through the eyes of the bereaved. Delving into the deepest recesses of the heartbroken, the reader easily identifies with the diverse collection of stories and richly colored threads of profound love that create a stunning read full of comfort and hope." -DR. GLORIA HORSLEY, President of Open to Hope Foundation

"WONDERFUL . . .Loss of a Sibling is a wonderful computation of stories written by the best of experts, bereaved siblings' themselves. Although this bond is one of life’s longest and most unique relationships, sibling loss is often minimized and unacknowledged. Thank you for building awareness about a topic so near and dear to my heart." -DR. HEIDI HORSLEY, Adjunct Professor, School of Social Work, Columbia University, Grief Expert, Author, and Co-Founder of Open to Hope Organization

"CAPTIVATING . . . Grieving for the Living is an inside look at the secret feelings we all experience as we navigate fragile relationships. The narrations are captivating, and will surely resonate deep within the hearts of those who face similar challenges." -DEANA L. MARTIN, Certified Grief Coach, Author, & Vice President of Cry for Me, No More

"HOPE AND HEALING . . . You are a pioneer in this field and you are breaking the trail for others to find hope and healing."

-KRISTI SMITH, Bestselling Author & International Speaker

"INCREDIBLE . . . Thank you so much for doing this project. it’s absolutely incredible!" -JULIE MJELVE, Founder, Grieving Together  

"A FORCE . . .The writers of this project, the Grief Diaries anthology series, are a force to be reckoned with. I'm betting we will be agents of great change."

-MARY LEE ROBINSON, Author and Founder of Set an Extra Plate initiative

"GLOBAL . . .One of The Five Facets of Healing mantras is together we can heal a world of hurt. This anthology series is testimony to the power we have as global neighbors to do just that."

-ANNAH ELIZABETH, Founder of The Five Facets of Healing 

"REWARDING . . . This experience has been very rewarding for me. Just being able to talk with others who have walked this road."  -MONICA MIRKES, participant in Surviving Loss of a Child

"SUPPORTED . . .The project was very organized. The expectations were clear. The secret groups kept us all informed, and is where we all supported one another. I must say that I have been a part of very few things that were run this well!  I have already signed up to be a part of one of the books in the next batch. And I look forward to being a part of that and any books that I qualify to be a part of in the future." -CHRISTINE BASTONE, author and writer

SURVIVING LOSS OF A LOVED ONE

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DEDICATION

To our loved ones:

Moments are fleeting,

memories are permanent,

love is forever.

Timothy John Cole

Alyssa Victoria Yvonne Fell

Hannah Elizabeth Flanery

Joy Ruth Frownfelter

Joanna Larson Hammink

Lane Edward Lawson

Lillian Rose Lee

Vivian Yvonne Lee

John Kirby Reilly

Sara Marie Rollins

BY MARYELLEN ROACH

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FOREWORD

I never realized what grief from losing a close loved one was like until July 26, 2012, when my older sister and two young nieces were in a fatal car accident. That’s when my crash course in grief began. I wish I had known more about what to expect, because it's a very scary journey. When someone who is a big part of your life and heart physically dies, the hurt is truly indescribable. Feelings in general are hard to describe and, after a loss, ten million emotions are rolled into one word: grief. Loss of a close loved one is life-changing, and the grief can consume your every thought. No matter how badly you want life, yourself, and everything else to go back to normal, it won't. Things will never be the same. Grief is widely misunderstood, and therefore can be extremely isolating. In this book you will find firsthand, raw accounts from individuals who have experienced loss and the difficult, life-long journey that follows. This book will also prove that no one is alone in their grief because others do understand the daily struggle it brings to our life. Whether you have experienced a life-changing loss or you want to learn about grief, this book will explain the different, yet similar feelings and perspectives associated with grief journeys. If you have not yet experienced a life-changing loss, this book may help you prepare and understand what the journey of grief is like. 

MARYELLEN ROACH

BY LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

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PREFACE

Losing someone we love is a heartbreak unlike any other experience. Because love comes in many forms, Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Loved One is dedicated to sharing the stories of losing cousins, uncles, nieces, grandchildren, best friends, partners, and more. Why do we share our losses? Because when we swap stories, it makes us feel less alone. Sharing our journeys is like a portable support group, and it’s comforting to know others understand the shoes we walk in.

In Chapter One, each writer shares the moment when their familiar lives disappeared along with their loved one’s last breath. The writers were then presented with intimate questions pertaining to their loss, and their responses are compiled within the individual chapters. These narrations are unabridged, as every voice is unique. But no matter the age, the circumstances, or the number of days since the passing of their loved one, the stories contained within are a treasured reminder that none of us walk this journey alone. And that is what this book is all about.

Welcome to the Grief Diaries village, where grief transcends all differences and unites us in our sorrow. Welcome, my bereaved friend, to company, comfort and hope.

Lynda Cheldelin Fell

CHAPTER ONE

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THE BEGINNING

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery.

-F. ALEXANDER MAGOUN

Grief and sorrow is as unique to each individual as his or her fingerprint. In order to fully appreciate one’s perspective, it is helpful to understand one’s journey. In this chapter each writer shares that moment when they lost their loved one to help you understand when life as they knew it ended, and a new one began.

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KAYLA ARNOLD

Kayla’s 34-year-old uncle Tim

died by suicide in 2001

My uncle and aunt had gotten into an argument. It was such a minor argument, but my uncle told my aunt to leave. He had the gun in his hand, and when my aunt went into the backyard and called 911, while she was on the phone with dispatchers my uncle put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.

They lived in a very little town named Homer. So when the gunshot happened while my aunt was on the phone with dispatchers, they tried to make it to my uncle as quickly as they could. When they got there only minutes later, it was too late. The single gunshot killed him instantly. There wasn’t even an ounce of hope; he was gone in a matter of seconds. His precious, valuable life was gone!

That is the story of how it happened, but here is what I relive over and over again. I was twelve years old. I came downstairs to go to the bathroom. I saw my mom on the phone and she seemed really upset. She told me to go back to bed, that everything was okay. I felt uneasy about it, but did as she asked. A little while later I woke up and needed to go to the bathroom again. So I walked downstairs only to find my grandma sitting in the living room watching TV. She told me to come sit with her. I remember thinking that this was very odd because it was a school night, but I sat next to her and together we watched the first ever finale of Survivor. And then the phone rang. I never would have guessed that phone call would forever change my life.

I remember my grandma answering, and it was my dad calling. He asked Grandma if anyone had awakened. My grandma said I was awake, and he asked to talk to me. I took the phone from my grandma and my dad asked me how I was. I said I was okay. He said, I have some bad news, honey. At this point I didn’t know what to think. I heard the sadness in my dad’s voice and I heard his voice crack a little bit. He said, Honey, I’m sorry, but Uncle Tim is not with us anymore.

I remember being so confused and in shock. What did he mean? Tears were streaming down my face. My dad said, Uncle Tim died tonight, baby. I am SO sorry! And at this point all I remember is crying; I couldn’t do anything but cry! My grandma hugged me and I sat there crying with her until my parents got home. And then I cried with them.

When my parents arrived home, they explained to me that my uncle had killed himself, that he took his gun and shot himself in the head. They did everything they could to try to calm me down, because I was so upset! I lay on the couch to try to sleep the rest of the night, because I didn’t want to wake my sisters up if I cried in the bedroom. When morning came and my sisters woke up, my world shattered a little more as they were told the painful news. I watched their hearts shatter just like mine had just hours before! I saw the same confusion and shock that I was feeling! I felt horrible, because I didn’t know how to make it better for them when I couldn’t even make it better for myself!

On May 3, 2001, we lost one of the most important people in our lives. I can honestly say that our lives have never been the same.

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EMILY BARNHARDT

Emily’s 20-year-old friend/roommate

Hannah died by suicide in 2014

There is a certain type of person who, when he or she walks into a room, the atmosphere changes. It suddenly becomes more vibrant and exciting. It’s the type of person you know you can count on - the type of person who makes you feel deeply loved, and the type of person whose energy and laugh are contagious. That was Hannah.

She was one of my best friends and also my roommate. We met each other in south Florida and quickly connected, so moving into an apartment together was the perfect fit. Everyone’s initial response to seeing a picture of Hannah was how beautiful she was. She was incredibly beautiful, yes, but the most beautiful thing about her was her heart. She lived passionately, loved deeply and had a lively spirit. We always had fun together, and I have precious memories of our many spontaneous adventures.

The deep authenticity in our friendship was what meant the most to me. We did life together. Neither of us had any family in Florida, so we were each other’s family. Hannah was a truly loyal and supportive friend and made me feel so important and loved. She embodied confidence and joy.

What most people didn’t know, however, was how much Hannah struggled with insecurity over her potential, her personality, her worth, her relationships and her future. I never understood why she felt so self-conscious; she was such a lovable, smart, fun and valuable girl. I’ll never be able to understand exactly how it felt to be in her head, but from talks we had, I knew Hannah was struggling to feel hopeful about her ability to overcome the internal battles in her mind and to succeed at all the dreams she had for her life. Hannah had been going through a particularly rough patch when she took her life. Her insecurities were affecting her relationships, she doubted her potential in pursuing a career in nursing, and she felt stressed out handling the responsibilities of life on top of her emotional battles.

A few days before her death, Hannah came home crying and told me she had been fired from the job she loved. Other events of that weekend had been extremely tough as well. On the evening of May 5, I was sitting at a restaurant when I got a call from her mother, who lives in a different state. She was concerned about Hannah’s well-being and asked if I had talked to Hannah that day. I hadn’t been home and hadn’t talked to her, so when I got off the phone with her mom, I called her. Hannah was crying and obviously in distress when she answered, so I told her I would meet up with her and help her figure out how to get through whatever was going on. I needed to close my check at the restaurant, so I told Hannah I would call her right back to figure out where we should meet. But when I called back shortly after, she didn’t answer.

You know that bad gut feeling you sometimes get in a certain situation? I felt that, so I went looking for her. I drove around for hours, looking everywhere I could think of where Hannah might be, but had no luck. When it got late and I ran out of ideas, I finally had to return to our apartment for the night. I hoped maybe Hannah had fallen asleep at a coworker’s house or somewhere similar.

The next morning, her mother called me at 8 a.m. to tell me that Hannah had taken her life that night. It happened shortly after I’d spoken to her. She was at her boyfriend’s apartment and was found that night by his roommate. The police contacted Hannah’s parents in Tennessee shortly after. I’ll never forget that phone call from her mother. I’ll never forget the way my phone slipped out of my hand as I leaned on a chair for support, shaking and struggling to breathe. My thoughts were racing, yet the only thought that was clear was, This isn’t real. This can’t be happening. I remember laying on the floor at one point, because the solidity of the floor was the only sense of stability I could find in that moment. I remember the gut-wrenching sobs, sometimes so deep that there were moments no sound even came out of my mouth. 

Losing someone to suicide forever alters your life and who you are. Hannah’s death has changed my perspective on life, my priorities, my relationships, my routine, and my heart. Some changes are good, while some have felt damaging. I have hope that the changes that currently feel negative will be redeemed and healed as my journey continues.  Because Hannah was part of my daily life and one of my best friends, I think I took too many moments with her for granted, because I assumed we had a lifetime of moments ahead of us. I didn’t realize just how deeply my life was intertwined with hers until she was ripped away from it, and I found myself left with the sharp, jagged edges around a crater where her presence once was. I was forced to start a new chapter in life, even though I hadn’t finished writing the one before. I’ve stood on wobbly feet the past year, looking at a new chapter I wasn’t prepared for and didn’t want, trying to figure out exactly how it has changed me and how to find solid ground again. I’ve grappled with the concept of closure and wondered if it’s even possible.

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KASI CHELDELIN

Kasi’s 15-year-old cousin Aly

died in a car accident in 2009

I met my cousin, Aly, when she was still in diapers. We were about four years apart in age, but we were just like brother and sister, minus all the fighting most siblings go through. Aly spent a lot of time at my house during summer vacations, and on my trips home from college we spent a lot of time talking with Aly's mom, my Aunt Lynda, about college. Before the accident, Lynda sent me a link to Aly's school website, where Aly had created a full page about me as her Very Important Person. Aly never even told me about this, but it sure meant a lot to me, especially when one of her teachers brought it up at her memorial service. This just proves how close our bond was, and still is. Aly was a