MY LIFE: FROM TRAGEDY TO DESTINY

By TWANA LAWLER

MY LIFE (From Tragedy to Destiny), a contemporary, literary non fiction, a story of Twana Denise Lawler known to some as Niecy, a proud, intelligent woman whom over the years has added poet, playwright and author to her BIO.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ashanti Publishing Group
• Release date: Dec 27, 2014
• ISBN: 9780990983071

Book preview

My Life

From Tragedy to Destiny

Twana Lawler

Ashanti Publishing Group

Palmdale, California

Copyright © 2013 by Twana Lawler.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher, addressed Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address below.

Antonio Moses/Ashanti Publishing Group

809 Vandal Way

Palmdale, CA 93551

www.ashantipublishinggroup.com

Publisher’s Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are a product of the author’s imagination. Locales and public names are sometimes used for atmospheric purposes. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or to businesses, companies, events, institutions, or locales is completely coincidental.

Book Layout ©2014 Ashanti Publishing Group

Ordering Information:

Quantity sales. Special discounts are available on quantity purchases by corporations, associations, and others. For details, contact the Special Sales Department at the address above.

My Life/ Twana Lawler. -- 1st ed.

ISBN 978-0-9909830-7-1

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to the Lord first and foremost. I also dedicate this to my family for believing in my gift from God. I also thank you all for not shunning me when you found out about the disease. To my daughter LaTonya and her daughter Charity thank a bunch. We are the three musketeers. Thanks to the three daughters that were with me doing my time of need.  Thanks to my eight hearts, Shanquelle, Bryneisha, Mi-Mi, Charity, Destiny, and Chytez. C’Zariah and Desaray.

Thanks Keesha, Tonya and Daynl. You all made sure that mommy did not die.

To my mother Joyce Lawler for praying for me every single day and to my three brothers, I also dedicate this book.

Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift.

2nd Corinthians 9:15

―QUOTATION SOURCE

The Raindrop Song

Like raindrops falling in slow motion

Each strike represents her beauty, her style and her grace

As we look upon her youthful face

Her childish giggle is like music to our ears

Aging is something that she does not fear

Each raindrop circles her with a vivacious dance

Leaving all that she comes in contact with in a revitalizing trance.

The raindrop touches the pistil of her every being

A woman of strength is whom we are seeing. Flowers bloom at the touch of her silky smooth hand. With the touch of her feet grass grow greener with each and every strand. Her days will be full. Her life will be long

As she sings that lovely raindrop song

Words inspired by the Holy Spirit, written by Twana Lawler

Chapter One

In The Beginning

I

t was December 18th, 1974. Alfred Lee Lawler Sr. committed suicide. The event was one of the most horrible points in my life. You may be wondering who this man she speaks about could be. This man was everything to me. Yet, this soft spoken man was my Dad. I was only twelve years old; my oldest brother was eleven, the one under him was ten and the youngest was nine. Words cannot explain how this affected us. Our Dad's demons followed us for many years, but I truly believe that I am the main target.

I have been living a life of hell for most of my life after his death. I never could comprehend what would depress him so much that he would do this to his children, to his family and friends. But later I considered doing the same.

My name is Twana, and this is my story. My brothers and I became fatherless children on December 18th, 1974. It was when my life turned for the worse, spiraling downhill. My lifestyle was in question for a very long time, from teen pregnancy to much more.  I was burdened with a lot of unanswered questions for a very long time. I did not know about God; we went to church when my dad was alive. As a child, I was baptized, but I didn't know God as I do now. Then suddenly we stopped going. It took me many years to open my heart to God. Until I completely opened my heart to Him, the Lord almighty, I always had questions, but no answers. I realized that the answer was salvation. It took many years, but I finally got the answers I needed from God, not from a man. After the death of my Dad, my life was full of nothing but hell. I was in abusive relations one after another. Years of turmoil and pain followed me wherever I went, with each and every stride I took. I got worse news than I had ever heard in my life. I wanted to do what my Dad did; I wanted to commit suicide. I was diagnosed with a chronic illness, many years later. When I was younger, my mom was with this man. I didn't trust from the beginning because he moved in the same day my mother left my Dad. This man was nothing but evil. My mother was in the hospital and he asked us if we wanted to go see her. We were so excited until he pulled up in front of the hospital, pointed and said, There she is and drove off. When my mother got out of the hospital was when things really changed, not for better, but for worse. I wanted out, and this is when I made the plan to leave.

My mother was working second shift and was in need of a babysitter. Sometimes my grandmother would do it and sometimes my aunt, but this particular day the boys were very bad and my aunt left; she said she quit. My mother’s boyfriend was to watch us, but he did not. He was the man who moves in the same day my Dad committed suicide. She would watch me take the birth control pills. I did not like that. One day I made a decision to put the birth control pill up under my tongue and when she left I spit it out. I had no one, my father was dead. He was the best person to talk to and he was not here. I would cry myself to sleep, missing him. Why did he do this? Why? I would cry every night. Losing my father was one of the worst things that happened to me.

I know you are wondering what the chronic disease is.  I was initially diagnosed HIV positive and I was devastated. I took my medication for a short period; I went into denial and suffered depression so I stopped. Thus, when I was diagnosed with AIDS and dementia, I was devastated even more. This happened because I took no medication for two years. I will tell you why I was so depressed. I had changed and had given my life over to the Lord completely.

I became celibate in 1999, but two and a half years into my celibacy I was manipulated by a Minister. He told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him, but later found out it was less. I walked around living my life as normal, not aware of the disease within me, for ten years to be exact.  I want to tell people to get tested if you are having sex. Condoms are not reliable; this is a fact. I had been celibate for two and a half years before I was with this guy. When I found out I had HIV I was celibate ten years and did not think that I had it.

Therefore, I did not think that I needed testing. It was in my body for so long by the time I went back to the doctor it was AIDS. The only reason I went to the doctor is because Denise made me. I became depressed and quickly went into denial once again. I would not take my pills, and I lost a lot of weight. I weighed just 98 pounds.  I now have HIV, because I do what I need to do to stay healthy and alive this made my numbers get better. I am now undetectable, which is wonderful.

I began to have a few seizures that caused the dementia symptoms. I will share this later; it is a must read. Now I thought what man would want me with this disease? I was not going to keep my status to myself, which would only be right. I was very ill; I was near death. I was depressed, because I felt that I did something wrong. I was in a few relationships before I completely changed. But I got the HIV virus after I totally gave my heart unto the LORD.

I decided in 1999 after I had surgery to change my way of living. I tested for HIV and I did not have the virus until after I was with this guy. I wasn't aware that I had the disease, until ten years later. I was with him in 2001 on one occasion. Sometimes it only takes one time. When I arrived home, I told my daughter about that weekend. It was just sex, it was not pleasant, and he just did not turn me on. I wanted a relationship. I just wanted someone to love me, but I was lonely and naive. I trusted every word he said.

I decided soon after that I was not playing with the LORD again; it was time for me to get real. That’s when I got this devastating news. I went into denial first going from doctor to doctor thinking it would change the diagnosis. I kept getting diagnosed with other diseases, not the actual. I got diagnosed with Lupus, Multiple Myeloma, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. The doctors also thought they discovered a mass in my breast. For those of you who are not educated about the disease, I was not getting treated for the HIV virus which was damaging my immune system.

This type of disease mimics all types of illness. It tricks one into believing that it is an autoimmune concern, such as the diseases that I mentioned. HIV disguises itself as it is tearing down your immune system. I found out I had it in 2012 and the denial began. I did not understand this after I have been celibate for about ten years.

No way I’m HIV positive. No way, I cried. Tell me it isn’t so. But I later found out from a professional that it can lay dormant in one's system for ten years. In my case that is how long it had been since I was with this so called man of God. They asked about the last person I had sex with. I was celibate two and a half years before I met this man. I have not been with anyone since. It has been about 14 years now; I need a man. I am kidding, I can wait. See what I got for not being patient.

He was the last person I was involved with. It was just that one time.  Knowing that information, I believe that he took it and ran with it. I had the decency to share my status with him, and he became irate with me.  I forgave this man, but will never deal with him again. I will never be his friend and in my eyes, he is the part of my life that I would like to forget about. I will make a vow and commit to that. I will make love, not have sex, except with my husband therefore, I will continue to wait. The man that God has for me is real, I know because God told me so. God forgave me for what I did therefore I have to do the same, but I do not have to deal with that person. I will pray for my enemies from afar.  As I reflect on my past, I ask myself how I made it through all that I have gone through. I was stuck at the bottom of the mountain and now I am at the top. I am happier than I ever have been and there are many blessings to come. If you are good to God, He will be good to you. If you are good to the people of God, He will be good to you.

I have had so many people come against me since I have been walking with God. I do not play church; the Lord is in my heart.

My daughter Denise and I are looked down upon because we chose to live right. When they do not go to church, but they love doing wrong, gossiping, sleeping around and everything that is not of God. I can say I have HIV because of a mistake that I made. This does not define me. Those who really know me and do not have hate in their heart know who I am. A true child of God and the haters will soon see how God is blessing me and Denise. God is my family and He is my friend and that is who I need.

ENEMIES

Some have enemies

Enemies are so mean they cannot see

The devil and strife is their life

They don’t love, they just hate

God will intercede he’s never too late

That is what I will do, pray for my enemies from afar. I do not understand and maybe will never understand, but why some people get a thrill from your heartache.

Chapter two

Nothing But Evil

Y

ears later I found out that I have HIV. What more could happen to me? This disease was the final thing. I was truly at my wits end. I was tired of my life being hell. I kept thinking about ways to die, and it was going to be HIV, therefore I stopped taken my medication. My daughters said I needed to go back to the doctor. I would tell them I will go tomorrow and not go. I was afraid to hear again that I had the disease. I knew I had it and no going from doctor to doctor was going to change the diagnosis. I felt like my life was completely over. I thought that I was being punished. I was mad at myself for falling for that man. We were friends and talked online for a long time. I thought that I could trust him.

He was telling me things that made me happy. When I met him for the first time I was disappointed but I tried not to let what he looked like detour me. I am not having sex, which was my plan. He showed me a great time and I did enjoy myself, but one morning he wanted sex. I cannot say we made love. We had sex which was not good.

He used a condom, but it would not stay on the penis because it was too small. The penis was too small not the condom. When I told him that I have HIV, he went off on me. Sounds like a guilty person to me. My feelings were a bit hurt, but that did not last long. I feel sorry for any woman who deals with him. He gave me HIV and he knows this. The devil can’t get me down although he tried. He has tried through my family as well. Some have allowed him to break up my family. It hurts more when it is your own children. Life, after all, must go on. I have never done anything for my daughters to treat me the way they are doing. I talked to my granddaughter because of some things that were going on in the home.

My daughter legally is not to put her hands on her children and she has made her daughter leave. She pushed her daughter, and my granddaughter swung at her. My granddaughter should not have swung at her, but I know she was cursing her out. She talks to them all crazy.

My daughter, Michelle, was an abuser and still is. If I did not become ill I would not send my grandchildren back to her.  I would have never sent them back.  She is damaging these children. She is pulling the wool over my naive granddaughter’s eyes. She choked her own daughter. The only reason Michelle stopped is because someone in the home stopped it. She took the purse and wrapped the shoulder strap around her daughter’s neck.

Michelle cursed out this 18-year-old young woman. She got upset with me for talking to my granddaughter and this grown woman talks bad about me because I love my granddaughter. She put her daughter out and she was homeless, she needed somewhere to go and someone to talk to. I am in the middle of writing and my phone keeps going off. I check the message and it is a sexual message between my granddaughter and some guy. It really knocked me off my feet. I could not believe that Michelle would exploit her own daughter like that. She was sending the text to a lot of people. I sent her a message telling her not to do that. She texted me back talking really disrespectful to me. She also talked about a conversation that my granddaughter and I had. She got into her email and read her messages. She took that information, embellished it to benefit her and to make my granddaughter and I look bad. Again, the devil knows no new tricks. She did this before and had all these people turn on me. You take the D off for devil it spells EVIL. This is her and she is my daughter. After I got fed up with being misused, my daughter turned on me. This hurts me more than the beatings I endured from my past. I was raped on two occasions and just had a horrible life and she acts as if I was her enemy. My flesh and blood treats me as if she hates me so much. I never abused her. I did not treat her any differently than the other girls. I tried to love her and she does not want that. Let her tell it, I was the most