Notes On Parental Estrangement

By Anna Ferrara

A daughter’s journey through grief, Christianity, Buddhism and human failings.

So your estranged parent is dying and someone decided to tell you against your estranged parent’s wishes. Should you go visit, or not? Should you go to the funeral, or not? And what would you end up discovering about that parent you never knew, whose face you don’t even remember, whose life you have heard nothing about in recent years? What would you do and realise in the years after their eventual death? How would you grieve? Would you even grieve?

Those were the questions lesbian fiction author, Anna Ferrara had after getting a text message from a stranger on an otherwise regular weekday morning, informing her of the impending death of the mother who disappeared from her life when she was 5. What followed was a complicated 800+ days of discovering the secrets of a woman she knew nothing about, the uncovering of past hurts and buried emotions she didn’t even remember she had, which she documented in a series of journal entries that eventually provided the content for this book.

Written for adult children of absent, toxic or negligent parents and professionals seeking a real-world case study of the subject, this book is a real and honest record of the stages of grief, coping and self-discovery an adult child will go through when their estranged parent remains self-centred and unloving up till the very end.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Anna Ferrara
• Release date: Apr 6, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005473587

Anna Ferrara

Anna Ferrara is a novelist who specialises in plot twists, horror and lesbian characters. Strong, independent women feature in all of her novels because she often finds herself mesmerised by them in real life. You can read more about her work and person at annaferrarabooks.com

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NOTES

ON

PARENTAL

ESTRANGEMENT

A daughter’s journey through grief,

Christianity, Buddhism and human failings

© 2021 Anna Ferrara

For those who understand or want to understand parental estrangement.

CONTENTS

AUTHOR’S NOTE

PHASE 1: DEATH

PHASE 2: GRIEF

PHASE 3: DESPAIR

PHASE 4: REVELATIONS

PHASE 5: DENIAL

PHASE 6: ANGER

PHASE 7: RECOVERY

PHASE 8: STRENGTH

PHASE 9: REVIVAL

PHASE 10: MOVING ON

PHASE 11: IN THE FUTURE

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

AUTHOR’S NOTE

To love or not to love, that is a really hard question isn’t it? More so when everyone seems to believe you should despite the object of affection clearly not loving you in return.

This is a book I don’t want to have to read again, which I will not promote much of or hope to be read. I wrote it only to process my thoughts on parental estrangement, to get my feelings towards it out of my system, to put my experiences to practical use, to save myself from feeling like the difficult moments I had gone through with this most unusual affliction had been but for nothing.

As mentioned in the synopsis, I recommend this for those abandoned or abused by their parents, especially those needing answers to whether or not to go for their awful parent’s funeral or deathbed or whether or not to make up with their estranged parents while they still can, and for professionals studying such subjects. Those who are presently going through grief might also find some chapters relevant, as would LGBTQIA+ peoples raised in Christian environments. For the general public however, I do not recommend this book. This isn’t the kind of fun read you would take out on a picnic. If you were lucky enough to have responsible, loving parents who have always been there for you, good for you—stay away from this book. If your life is good and you’re feeling perpetually positive and hopeful, keep it that way—stay away from this book. If you’re a Christian who picked up this book hoping to reinforce your belief in God because of the ‘Christianity’ in the subtitle, definitely drop this book now and never pick it up again—this book is not what you’re looking for.

What I’ve learned since my estranged mother died is that what you don’t know doesn’t upset you. Sometimes, with some matters, especially those close to the heart, it is really better not to know.

But for those who are unfortunate enough to already know, this is for you. You are not alone. This book is me going through what you have or will one day too.

Maleficent is everything I want in a mother: Powerful, brave, self-reliant, unusual, unique and responsible. Most importantly, she loves her child. In short, she’s the exact opposite of you.

— Anna Ferrara, author of Notes On Parental Estrangement

PHASE 1: DEATH

10 DAYS BEFORE

A regular work day. Sent Partner to work. Wrote a chapter for Eritis Mea, the lesbian romance fiction piece I’m working on. Exercised. Cooked lunch. Ordered fast food for dinner. Then... I receive an email via my business’ contact page. A stranger wants me to contact her. She has news about Mother.

9 DAYS BEFORE

Got Partner to call the stranger because I’m too nervous to do so. Turns out the stranger is a lawyer and Mother’s former schoolmate. She says Mother is dying of cancer at a local hospice. Mother doesn’t want me to know until the very end but the stranger, whose name is Stranger1, thinks I should go visit her anyway. I tell her I’ll think about it and go back to work. I ask Partner what I should do, she says it’s up to me. I ask Partner what she would do, she says she doesn’t know, she’s never had to think about such before. I give up working and ask Google, Reddit and Quora. By late afternoon, I have decided not to go. By night time, I’m crying. Not because I miss Mother but because I think it’s tragic that a person can be dying in hospital and have their child utterly not care. 

8 DAYS BEFORE

Sought advice from an older paternal relative. Decided to write a polite goodbye card to Mother in which I provide her with a very brief summary about who I have become and wish her well. Cried while doing so when I realised I don’t remember the first thing about her. Not even her face. Tried hard to recall when I last saw Mother and concluded it must have been when I was 21, more than a decade ago.

Travelled with Partner to Stranger1’s office to hand her the card to pass to Mother. First thing Stranger1 did was ask to see my ID. Only when that was verified did she introduce herself as one of the two friends executing Mother’s death wishes. Mother has no one else in her life and planned her own funeral. Mother told them she didn’t know how else to contact me other than through my LinkedIn page which then led them to my business’ website. Stranger1 shows us recent photos of Mother before she was diagnosed with cancer. Mother’s face is not in any way familiar.

At night, I cry. I read to Partner what I wrote in the card I wrote to Mother and she cries too.

7 DAYS BEFORE

Changed my mind and decided I did want to visit Mother after all. Texted Stranger1 who replied saying she would need to ask Mother for permission first. I was then left hanging in suspense all morning. Got the go-ahead around late noon. Travelled to the hospice alone because Partner was away at work. Found myself confronted with a gaunt, skeletal patient hooked up to machines. I apologised for not keeping in touch and soon discovered the patient could no longer move, talk, or even make facial expressions. As it was when I last met Mother at age 21, I felt like I was in the presence of a stranger. Only it was more surreal this time because I had never ever seen a real life person dying from cancer before.

A social worker noticed me in the ward and called me out for a chat. Once outside, she wanted to know why I hadn’t come to visit earlier. It began to sound like she was accusing me of elder abuse and neglect so I felt obligated to explain I hadn’t lived with Mother since I was 5. Mother walked out one afternoon, lost custody of me six years later and never came back. The last time I did see Mother at 21, I told her, it was just one time and happened only because I hunted Mother down and reached out to her. We didn’t get along and left it as that. The social worker told me Mother could have just hours, days or weeks more to live and suggested I stay by her side anyway.

When I got back inside the ward, I asked the skeletal patient if that would be what she wanted. She seemed to nod so I presumed it to be a yes. When I asked if my partner could come over to help look