Embracing Love: Living on the Other Side of Disconnected Relationships

By Steve Benson

Have you felt confused and isolated in relationships?

Have you felt lost in conflicted relational chaos?

Do you feel an emotional disconnection between you, others, and God?

If so, keep reading

Embracing Love invites us to explore what it means to love others well, live beyond fear, and embrace an authentic life. Through the authors personal story and those of others, we will understand the intricacies of giving and receiving love. This book is for those who are tired of hiding, willing to risk being exposed, and desiring to be transformed by Gods embracing love. Embracing Love dares you to discover the other side of just living in loveless, chaotic, and disconnected relationships.

I heartily recommend Embracing Love to you. Steves content immediately connects with my world. I was informed by his insight and comforted by his grace as he opened these subjects.

Rev. Dr. Mike Moses, lead pastor of Lake Forest Church and board member and adjunct faculty at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary

Steve Benson leaves no stone unturned, and you will marvel at how deeply he makes you look into your soul as you begin the process of seeing yourself, your spouse, and God in a complete and loving light. Embracing Love is a book that opens you up to giving as well as receiving lifes greatest giftlove.

Coach Mike Sherman, former Green Bay Packers head coach

Embracing Love is full of insightful discoveries of relational problem solving through a biblical filter. It had my attention from the beginning to the end.

John Schlitt, singer, songwriter, and lead vocalist for the Christian rock band Petra

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Sep 14, 2015
• ISBN: 9781512707328

Steve Benson

Steve Benson (MDiv, MAC) is a licensed professional counselor and owns a private practice called Grace Roads Counseling Center. He lives with his wife and daughter in Charlotte, North Carolina.

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Copyright © 2015 Steve Benson.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

All Scripture quotations in this publications are from The Message. Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Images created by Cae A. Normanha.

www.caenormanha.com

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0733-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0734-2 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0732-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015912824

WestBow Press rev. date: 09/08/2015

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Chapter 1   Introduction: Loving is Scary

Part 1

Building the Emotional Wall: Hiding from Love

Chapter 2   The Emotional Wall Part 1 Fear, Pride, Control, Self-Righteousness

Chapter 3   The Emotional Wall Part II Blame-shifting, Defensiveness, Bitterness, and Rage

Chapter 4   Life Behind the Wall I: Relational Protection

Chapter 5   Life Behind the Wall II: Destructive Communication

Chapter 6   Life Behind the Wall III: Emotional Disconnection

Part II   Breaking Through the Wall: Learning to Love

Chapter 7   Introduction: Love Breaks Through the Wall

Chapter 8   Story: Discovering Our Beautiful and Sacred Story

Chapter 9   Self-Awareness: Knowing Our Own Soul

Chapter 10   Loving Beyond Ourselves: Living in Brokenness, Repentance, and Weakness

Chapter 11   Character Transformation Part I   Love, Joy, Peace and Goodness/Kindness

Chapter 12   Character Transformation Part II Patience, Gentleness, Faithfulness, Self-Control

Part III   Living On The Other Side: Embracing Love

Chapter 13   Introduction: Loving People on the Other Side

Chapter 14   Becoming an Emotionally Mature Person

Chapter 15   Loving Communication: Giving Others Direction Toward Our Hearts

Chapter 16   Redefining Conflicts: Redeeming What Divides

Chapter 17   Coming to the Table: Seven Principles of Conflict Resolution

Chapter 18   The Tenacious Grip of Forgiveness: Daring to Love Beyond Pain

Chapter 19   Reconciliation and Rebuilding Trust: The Hallowed and Hard Path

Chapter 20   Conclusion: A Love Letter

Notes

I heartily recommend ‘Embracing Love’ to you. Steve’s content immediately connects with my world. This man demonstrates that he understands the inner life of the soul, and the outer life of relationships – both of which determine together our healthiness and joy. I was informed by his insight, and comforted by his grace as he opened these subjects. It’s funny, after getting to know Steve I greet him by saying, ‘Hello to the apostle of grace.’ Both because of his consistent message of grace and reminder to me of being God’s beloved. I hope you will read this book and receive extended encouragement from his words.

Rev. Dr. Mike Moses—

Founding & Lead Pastor, Lake Forest Church (Huntersville, NC); Board Member & Adjunct Faculty, Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary – Charlotte; 2015 Moderator of the Evangelical Presbyterian Church denomination.

In the book ‘Embracing Love,’ Steve Benson effectively describes in detailed fashion just what the essential ingredients are in developing a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. The author is adamant that in order to truly embrace love a couple must be mutually inclusive of a relationship with God. His Christian perspective toward relationships readily examines the pathways to unification and fulfillment as well as the road blocks to separation and despair. In his book he discusses how self-awareness and analysis are critical in overcoming the obstacles that keep us from ‘embracing love’ in totality. His examples of everyday couples trying to navigate their lives with each other while cautiously circumventing self-imposed minefields hits a home run. He does an excellent job weaving scripture in and applying it throughout the journey. I must admit the depth of this book exceeds its numerical pages. Steve Benson leaves no stone unturned and you will marvel at how deeply he makes you look into your soul as you begin the process of seeing yourself, your spouse, and God in a complete and loving light. ‘Embracing Love’ is a book which opens you up to giving as well as receiving life’s greatest gift—love.

Coach Mike Sherman— former Green Bay Packers Head Coach

I was honored to be asked to read Steve Benson’s book through an advanced copy. ‘Embracing Love’ is full of insightful discoveries of relational problem solving through a Biblical filter. It had my attention from the beginning to the end.

John Schlitt— Singer, Songwriter and lead vocalist of the Christian Rock band Petra

In Steve Benson’s new book, ‘Embracing Love: Living on the Other Side of Disconnected Relationships’ he courageously dives into the mess… revealing and addressing the toughest situations in a ‘Believers’ life. His personal journey is one of gritty Christian living in and through the thorns that tear most of us apart. Anyone who wants to be authentic in their Christian walk will benefit from Steve’s life and this ‘couldn’t put it down’ work!

Rev. Scott Roley— Singer, Songwriter, Pastor and Executive Director of The Franklin Table a Community Development Ministry in Franklin, Tennessee

The truth in this book is so needed today. I would highly recommend ‘Embracing Love’ to anyone who desires to have a better framework for life. Steve is able to present these truths in a honest, but gentle way. This is one of those books that you would want to share with others!

Mark Thompson— Operations Manager for 1&2 Week Mission Trips for Mission to the World

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I am thankful for the many people who have been a part of the journey in writing this book. There are too many to list, but I do desire to mention a special few.

• First and foremost, I am thankful for my incredible wife, Krista, who tirelessly worked with me on forming and reforming my ideas, read many parts of the manuscript, and listened to other sections as I worked through the thoughts of my heart. It is through many of our earliest dating discussions, the joys and trials of our first seven years of marriage, and the incredible wonderment of being parents that allowed these thoughts to come to life. I learned more about embracing love because of you.

• I desire to acknowledge my in-laws, Dave and Mary Kasler. Because of your efforts to build my home office, I am able to walk with people on a daily basis. Your service allowed me the place, time, energy, and funding to complete this project.

• I am thankful for my mother, Gloria Benson, who has been a lover of my soul from day one. You have carried on wonderfully without Dad. Thank you for your support and love throughout all these years. I love you very much.

• To all my readers, thank you for your valuable feedback and clarity on the subject material.

• To Hannah and Joe, thank you for your precious gift to Krista and me. Our lives were changed because of you.

• I am thankful for Ben Rudolph, Bobby Wilkinson, and the Leadership of Church at Denver in Denver, North Carolina. What a blessing to be in partnership with you in the gospel and have the opportunity to love people over the past two years! Thank you.

• I send my appreciation to Jennie Kologe, who edited my material and gave me direction in subject matter, which helped bring my thoughts into more concrete focus.

• I am also indebted to Cae and Hilary Normanha for the graphic and cover design. Your creativity added to the whole project. Thank you. (It has been a joy to have known you all for many years.)

• To David and Lynn Atkisson and David and Susan Dunning- thank you for traveling with me as mentors, advisors and friends.

• I also praise God for those who invested in me throughout my adolescent and young adult years. (There are too many to list.) Your kindness, actions and words have never been forgotten.

• I must send an incredible hug, love, and appreciation to Nevin and Heather Mawhinney, who have walked with me for over twenty-five years. It has been an incredible honor to be a part of your lives and to watch Lauren and Caitlin grow into wonderful young ladies. It is through your friendship, love, and support that I have been able to grow into the person I am today. I would not have made it without you guys.

• Lastly, I dedicate this book to two people. First, I dedicate this book to my father, Robert J. Benson, who passed into heaven’s arms on July 2, 2009. Though you were a quiet and private man, I have found your inner soul in the writing you left me. I am forever reminded of memories that embraced me with your love. It is through your words and thoughts left on paper that led me to persevere in writing this book. I love you, Dad! Finally, I dedicate this book to my daughter, Zoe Grace. Though you were just a young baby when I wrote the majority of this book, I hope my words guide you to love others as you are loved. Your mother and I are so thankful that you came into our world and love you very much. We look forward to seeing you grow and watching how your story unfolds.

To all who read these words, may they give you insight into your heart. May they lead you to know and to be found in the incredible love of God. May they help you find connection in the places you are disconnected and lead you along the journey of growing into the maturity of loving others more than yourself.

And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:29-31,ESV)

By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. (1 John 3:16-18, ESV)

CHAPTER 1

Introduction: Loving is Scary

Loving is scary. It is risky, thrilling, expensive, powerful, and filled with valuable peril. Despite its paradoxes, we thirst for love, crave to be loved, and thrive to be embraced by love’s grip in a real and intimate way. However, we often sabotage what we want the most. We hide behind our protective walls. We live with our wounds. We satisfy our loneliness with mirages. But most of all, we are fearful of love’s costs.

These thoughts are some of the conclusions I have come to as I explored the theme of love. Over the last ten years I have been asking myself: What does it mean to love others more than we love ourselves? How does one love in a healthy way? What prevents people from truly loving others? How do we learn to love? How do we embrace love?

During this time of pondering, I have been a missionary, married my beautiful wife at thirty-seven, earned a master’s degree, and became involved in people’s woundedness as a Christian counselor. At the age of forty-three, I am a new father to my little daughter named Zoe Grace. These experiences have made me discover love beyond myself. Also, by God’s grace, I have grown and blossomed into the person I am today.

I wrote some of these thoughts many years ago, and they have matured over time. Others have been new revelations through the privilege of being involved in people’s souls. And still others were conclusions from several years of brutally honest evaluations of my heart, rearrangement of my deepest longings, and repentance of broken patterns. Like Paul, I can honestly say that I have not already obtained all this, or have already arrived in every aspect of what you are about to read. But, I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me (Philippians 3:12-14, NIV). I strive every day to embrace the ultimate goal of life – to love God with my entire heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others as I am completely loved. I desire to be an instrument of God’s love and grace to a wounded world.

Over the years of exploration, I have heard the expression and even have said to myself, Wow. I just can’t get through that wall. This is the main analogy used throughout this book. Imagine a huge, towering brick wall erected between two people. One person tries to break through and the other person hides behind it. They are disconnected. Both are separated by emotional bricks that prevent one from loving and the other from receiving love. But nobody knows what divides them. No one can name the bricks that separates them. No one can demolish them. But both parties know there is something wrong; they just can’t explain what it is or how to change it. This wall brings destruction (Proverbs 19:17, NIV). This is the wall I desire for us to demolish so we can love freely.

In the following pages, you will meet people who influenced my story, which allowed me to discover new ways of living in love. You will also be invited into the stories of those who struggled to love, those who discovered their souls, and those who learned how to break through this seemingly impenetrable wall. In order to preserve confidentiality, the stories, events, and characters in this book are composites from real experiences. The details have been modified, changed or combined with other stories. They do not refer to specific individuals. Furthermore, some details in my personal history have been changed as well for the purposes mentioned above. These stories serve as illustrations for those who have felt disconnected and confused but desire to know how to persevere in order to embrace love So, let’s get started and meet a few of these stories:

Husband and Wife: Ryan and Pam

In an argument with her husband, Pam states, When you don’t tell me where you are going, I feel abandoned when I continually don’t hear from you.

Ryan rolls his eyes and replies, Abandoned? You are always nagging me to tell you everything. It’s like you think I am going to cheat on you or something. This is your problem. I just don’t think you ever got over your high school sweetheart. I’m sorry he cheated on you but I’m not him. You need to get over it and get some help. But frankly, your constant nagging insults me.

Pam has just run into the wall.

Father and Son: Tom and Bobby

It was just over a year ago that Tom had asked Luke, a contract construction supervisor, if there was a job opening for his son, Bobby. Bobby needed to take a semester off from college to earn money. All Luke could promise was a summer position. However, Bobby did such a great job that Luke kept him on beyond the summer and into the next year to help him with his college tuition. Luke became a mentor to Bobby not only professionally but also personally.

In one conversation Bobby reflected upon his relationship with his father, My dad was a manager for a construction company. I heard stories about his many successes and how he met deadlines in incredible manner to earn companies a lot of money. But many people did not like him. He was very domineering, hurtful, and mean to those under him. However, he got the job done and he always provided for me, my sister and my mom.

So why the tears? Luke asked.

Bobby paused for a moment, wiping his eyes, When he would come home from a long day, he tended to be moody and angry. If something didn’t go his way he would yell and scream at us to get it right. We were always on edge. We were… were. . .

Luke put his hand on Bob’s leg and said, We were …

We. . . we were all scared of him. Bobby wiped his face again. He would point out what we didn’t do right and make us do it over again. And each time, he would get louder and louder. It scared me, but I never told him. I hated it and sometimes I wanted to just yell back. But I couldn’t. But then, he would take me to a coffee shop every Saturday and we’d eat donuts and drink hot chocolate. It was enjoyable eating and laughing bu … but he was very confusing – gentle and then abrasive at the same time. You never knew which one you were going to get. I think he loved me but just never felt connected. I know I just didn’t ever want to cross him or make him mad.

Bobby looked down as he was reflecting upon the wall.

Friends: James and Stacey

James, Lauren, and Stacey have been friends for seven years. James and Lauren got married four years earlier. James wanted to give his wife a surprise birthday party and asked for Stacey’s help in planning. However, at the last minute, Stacey decided to change many decisions that James had made because she thought it would be better. The birthday party was a success but left James steaming over Stacey’s controlling choices. In previous times, when he had felt run over by Stacey, he tried to communicate his feelings but Stacy was not receptive to his observations. A serious rift became evident in their relationship. Finally, James wrote an e-mail outlining his complaints. In the e-mail, James confessed his frustration and bitterness. With some input from his wife, he believes that he had come up with a solution to solve the issue the next time they do something together. However, James was shocked by Stacey’s reply. She wrote,

I was shocked by your e-mail. It seems that you often bring Lauren into things to support your position against me. It seems like a ploy to get me to do what you want. You know James, you are very controlling and I am sad that my best friend has to put up with your attitude. I wish you would stop talking about me behind my back. You are such a manipulator.

James has just run into the wall.

Hiding Behind the Relational Wall

In each of the three situations above Pam, Bobby, and James became stuck on one side of the wall. They could go no further. The wall blocked their relationships. Let me provide a working definition of the wall:

Relational walls are motivations, attitudes and/or behaviors that keep people from seeing and getting to know the deepest desires of our souls. In essence, they are protective mechanisms that shield us from intimacy and connection with others, from ourselves, and from God.

Each person ran into a relational wall that prevented him or her from solving a conflict, understanding the other person or struggling to define his or her individual responsibility in the relationship. All of them are fighting to get to the other side in order to love and to reach the heart and possibly reach their own heart as well.

Maybe you have had similar situations happen in your story. Or maybe you have felt confused when a friend betrayed you, felt verbally assaulted as you engaged in a conversation, or felt abandoned but you were clueless to the reason for the departure. If any of these are applicable, please keep reading. For these are the situations and questions I am hoping to answer. The book is divided into three sections:

Part I: Building the Emotional Wall: Hiding from Love

In the first section, we will describe and illustrate eight specific protective attitudes, or as I call them, bricks, that build this impenetrable wall. We will discover how these bricks impact the way we relate to each other, our communication patterns, and our emotional maturity. Most importantly, we will discover how this wall forges a division that stops us from loving and being loved.

Part II: Breaking Through the Wall: Learning to Love

Part two will provide the framework to break through this inner wall by learning how to love who we are. These concepts are: (1) understanding our sacred story, (2) becoming self-aware of our inner motivations and tendencies, (3) living in brokenness, repentance, and weakness, and finally (4) the transforming of our character to become who God has called us to be.

Part III: Living on the Other Side of the Wall: Embracing Love

In part three, we will embrace loving others by gaining insights into relational maturity and how to transform our communication patterns. We will journey through conflict resolution, principles of forgiveness, and the process of reconciliation. In summary, we will learn bold and new ways to practically love others, God, and ourselves.

Theme: Journey of Living Out the Implications of Love

The common theme throughout these pages, is the journey of living out the implications of love. God calls us to love one another as we are loved (1 John 4:7-12, NIV). Loving involves sacrifice, service, and change of our set patterns. Change does not happen overnight, and it is not easy. However, it comes with time, process, investigation, motivation, and hard work. In a very real sense, embracing love can be a very scary reality because it requires so much – and can cost much more – but it can be the most rewarding life one chooses to live. Loving others asks us to believe that we have the capacity to think beyond ourselves, to focus on others’ needs, and to be soothing comforter of the soul. Loving others also is motivated by the belief that I am loved beyond comprehension by a merciful God. It also asks us to believe that our individual life story is filled with meaning and purpose that allows us to contribute to others in a significant way. If we really learn to embrace loving others it will reap beautiful rewards that bring a glimpse of heaven into our broken world. It is one of the most unique, sacrificial, and powerful commandments God has ever given for us to fulfill. Ever.

So if you have been hurt in relationships, may you find healing. If you have felt lost in confusion, may you find understanding. If you have been immature, may you find a path to maturity. If you find love to be too scary, may you discover courage to love beyond your fear. So as you read this guide, I pray that your soul will be touched, your heart investigated, and that you will walk toward the incredible love of God that is found in Jesus. I hope that this book will walk you through your own motivations and cause you to become alive and aware of your own life story on a deeper level. Most of all, I hope you will discover more of your dignity as you read the chapters of your story and the way to love God