The HEAR Process: Healing Relationships through Loving Communication

By Deborah Moncrief

Studies show that how we deal with our hurts will make or break the relationship connection. The HEAR Process provides a predictably productive, positive, effective, and truly healing way to deal with hurts and conflict. By consistently applying this process to our communication, we will be set free from the hurts that inevitably occur in any long-term relationship. This healing leads to forgiveness and the removal of anger and bitterness. This results in experiencing emotional freedom that relieves the hopeless, helpless feeling that often leaves us feeling desperate.

The HEAR Process contains the solution for becoming masterful at dealing with conflict. In resolving conflict, there is a lot of information published about what not to do in our communication. The HEAR Process is an intentional communication tool that sets you up for success to heal broken relationships. This tool shows you exactly what to do to break out of all the bad habits that destroy good communication. Unresolved hurts cause anger, avoidance, and defensiveness that block the joy in our relationships. Even if there have been unresolved issues for years, this process breaks through the walls of pain, bringing understanding, healing, and safety to relationships. This process allows the conflict to be used to grow our ability to know one another deeper. As we grow in knowing one another, we can love one another better. The HEAR Process is a structured, brief therapy approach to be used in a clinical setting or at home without a therapist present. This transformative technique will solidify your confidence in handling the most difficult issues in personal relationships or in your relationship counseling.

The HEAR Process has a proven record over the decades of being effective when used in relationships including marriages, friendships, siblings, parent/child, teacher/student, and co-workers.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Nelson
• Release date: Sep 1, 2020
• ISBN: 9781400331758

Deborah Moncrief

Deborah Moncrief is a Licensed in Marriage and Family Therapy and a Licensed Certified Social Worker. She is in private practice with the Houston Center for Christian Counseling in Sugar Land, Texas. She has over 25 years of counseling experience. She is the author of The HEAR Process, an intimacy building communication tool that turns trials into triumphs. She is also the co-author of Press On... From Mourning to Joy, a book dealing with loss and grief. Deborah and her husband have been married over 30 years. Both Deborah and John have a passion for helping soon-to-be married and married partners grow in their love for God and for each other. Both are "Certified Trainers" for “Intimate Life Ministries" and "Dynamic Marriages". John and Deborah have seen how faithful God has been to bring intimacy into their relationship as they continue to learn God's way of dealing with hurts and His way of loving each other. Deborah and John enjoy leading marriage workshops, seminars, and intensives.

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Introduction

No matter how much we love each other, we will experience hurt in any long-term relationship. How we deal with these hurts is absolutely critical in developing and maintaining healthy relationships. Couples or families often seek counseling because of unresolved hurts. Hurts cause distance in our relationships. This distance leads to dissatisfaction. The degrees of dissatisfaction may vary greatly from disappointment to despair. Dissatisfaction ultimately leads to the belief that the other person does not care. This belief is disastrous to relationships and discolors all other interactions.

If we want a great relationship we must learn to deal with hurts appropriately and effectively! This does not come naturally. Often, all we know to do regarding hurts is what we learned from our parents… sometimes that is good, sometimes that is not so good.

Unloving interactions such as neglect, anger, deceit, boundary violations, adultery, addictions, or abuse are symptoms of unresolved hurt. These symptoms only intensify the pain. Even if these patterns have become a lifestyle for us, we can learn to overcome these unproductive ways of relating to one another. This book is designed for anyone wanting to experience more satisfying relationships by learning to successfully address and resolve heart-wrenching issues.

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have a passion for working with couples. There is hardly anything more delightful than to see a couple begin to experience a loving relationship following a period of not even liking each other. Over the years, I would have couples come into my office with overwhelming amounts of unresolved hurts. I could see the pain caused from years of unrelenting conflict and I so longed to be instrumental in helping to heal these hurts. My dilemma was that I wanted couples to not only be able to communicate and heal hurts in my office, but to have a practical tool to bring home with them. I wanted to teach couples how to deal with issues not only from the past, but to learn to actively deal with issues throughout the upcoming years.

With over twenty-six years of experience studying relationships, it is evident to me that how we deal with our own hurts and how we deal with the hurts of others will make or break relationships.

Many of the destructive problems in relationships such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and withdrawal come from the resentments and bitterness that grow from unresolved hurts. ("Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" as determined by the highly respected scientist Dr. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Washington and co-founder and co-director of the Gottman Institute).

One of my primary goals in developing the HEAR Process was to have a framework that would purposefully lead to the resolution of turmoil in relationships. The HEAR Process will powerfully, productively, and predictably help us navigate through the tough issues. This process leads us to experience healing and intimacy in our relationships.

The HEAR Process has actually been proven effective for all types of relationships including couples, siblings, friends, relatives, coworkers, parent/child, and teacher/student relationships. The HEAR Process has also been successfully implemented in a variety of settings including homes, schools, businesses, and churches.

In over a decade of using this process both professionally and personally, I have never seen any two people follow the guidelines of this process and not feel relief from the hurt and deeply blessed by the understanding gained. As people first walk in obedience to sincerely do the HEAR Process, yielding to the spiritual principles in spite of their feelings at the moment, they prepare their hearts for God to faithfully reveal Himself to them through His compassion, understanding, and love. By following the Biblical principles in the HEAR Process, we can consistently experience healing in our hearts and in our relationships with others!

CHAPTER ONE

There is Hope

I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

John 10:10b

In life, we often hit turning points that will lead us to experience a closer relationship with God and others (abundant life)…or not. What makes some relationships thrive while others die? Having studied relationships for over twenty-six years, it has become evident that there is one critical area of relationships that will either make or break the relationship. Yet, few can identify this area and even fewer get determined to learn how to let these turning points lead them into a deeper intimacy with God and with others. My hope is that you will gain inspiration from becoming aware of these key areas and purpose to have this turning point actually bless you with deeper, more loving relationships. The turning points in relationships are determined by:

How we deal with our own hurts.

How we deal with the hurts of others.

Hurts will occur in any long-term relationship, no matter how much we care for one another. How we deal with hurts will eventually either leave us hopeful or hopeless. Hurts naturally result in self-protective walls of withdrawal, attacks, or defensiveness and cause division in relationships. The enemy wants to use hurts to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10a) our hope and our intimate relationships. Unless we purpose to overcome these walls and divisions, they will continue to grow over time. If we learn to effectively deal with these hurts, we can actually experience increased intimacy as a result of the hurt. Only God can turn hurts into the miracle of intimacy and loving communication with our cooperation!

The HEAR Process will help us cooperate with God to achieve reconciliation. The process was born out of prayer asking God for a powerful, predictable tool to help people know how to resolve conflict, heal hurts, and deepen their intimacy in relationships. As I have sought the Lord, He was faithful to bring to mind the HEAR framework that is very specific in helping people experience the healing of hurts and the restoration of relationships.

Hurt causes a variety of symptoms such as anger, avoidance, and defensiveness. The HEAR Process consistently and predictably helps lead relationships past the anger, avoidance, and defensiveness to experience hope and healing.

Safety in relationships is necessary for intimacy to grow.

The HEAR Process provides the structure that insures the safety required to address hurts effectively. HEAR is an acronym to safely guide you through this relational process of successfully dealing with hurts.

The HEAR Process

The significance of the HEAR Process has come from an appreciation of how God has designed each of us with needs. His desire for us is to experience abundance in relationships by experiencing the giving and receiving of our needs being met. The Apostle Paul in Philippians 4:19 reminds us that our God lavishes us with His love by meeting our needs!

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 4:19)

God seeks to meet our needs through relationships with Himself and with others. When needs are not met, hurt is inevitably experienced and we fall short from fully cooperating with God’s plan.

As a counselor, I have often seen people experience the pain of lost relationships because of unresolved hurts. When attempts had been made to address hurts, additional hurts were experienced. As a result, there would be a deep desire to just ignore any hurtful issues in an effort to keep the relationship functioning and avoid additional pain. However, that proves to be only a temporary solution. Hurts would continue to build, leading to a future blow-up or final withdrawal from one another.

To be created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26) is to be created relational and it is through intimate relationships that we experience life abundantly (John 10:10). Intimate relationships are realized as we know another person, allow that person to know us, and the daily caring involvement with that knowledge. Hearing from God and speaking to God is essential to living out an intimate walk with Him. Jesus would remind His followers, my sheep hear my voice and I know them (John 10:27). Hearing from the significant others in our lives and sharing with them is also essential to experience intimacy with them.

To experience hope and healing in relationships, we need to learn to share our hurts in love and listen to the hurts of others in love (through The HEAR Process). To deal with hurts in love, we need God’s help. Through the HEART Process (Chapter Six), we learn to listen to how these hurts have touched the heart of God. The compassion and wisdom He gives us in understanding His heart leads us to grow in our love walk with one another.

The HEAR Process is especially helpful for healing deep hurts that never seem to go away. In this process, the focus is on experiencing understanding, rather than arguing over who is right or wrong. Trying to win is a subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, way of attempting to control one another and cover our own shame. This battle only deepens hurts. And eventually, the one who gives in will become more resentful and bitter.

We often get off track by trying to focus on the problem before we repair the relationship. This leads us to feelings of emptiness and alienation, resulting in distant, lonely, broken relationships. Even though the relationship may still exist, there is no real intimacy on a daily basis.

It is of utmost importance to start out focusing on the relationship issues with the HEAR Process. We must first be in relationship with one another, developing a sense of unity. Then we can move forward together to solve any problems that need to be addressed. The HEAR Process focuses on the relationship restoration allowing the turning point to lead us into a deeper intimacy with one another.

The SOLVE Process has been developed to help address problems. The SOLVE Process is a much less intimate process as it focuses on the circumstances and addresses the what, when, where, and how questions of a problem. Trying to solve a problem before first resolving the relationship issue is like taking medication for the symptoms without healing the underlying cause. It may superficially cover the symptom, but it will not resolve the underlying dissension. Doing the HEAR Process first helps resolve the underlying cause and prepares us to address problems with a united heart.

Below are some specific examples of the type of relationship issues to be addressed in the HEAR Process. There are also examples of some specific problems that need to be solved using the SOLVE Process.

HEAR Process

Addressing Relationship Issues:

Not feeling loved, appreciated, or accepted

Experiencing avoidance, control, or manipulation

Sensing disrespect, distrust, or withdrawal

Not feeling supported, understood, or valued

SOLVE Process

Addressing Specific Problems:

Answering the questions: What, When, Where, How

What… time to put the children to bed

to spend limited funs on

to communicate to others

When… to have quality time

to initiate new projects

to schedule important events

Where… to go on vacation

to place priorities

to find needed outside help

How… to divide chores

to discipline the children

to accomplish future goals

If you are hitting a roadblock in your relationships, you may be trying to address the problem before resolving the underlying issues. Remember, the SOLVE Process is only attempted after the HEAR Process is completed for all individuals involved.

One of the challenges (and blessings) as a counselor is that I must live by the principles I teach. To my amazement, the HEAR Process has revolutionized my relationship with my husband. We now communicate with more sensitivity and empathy than we ever did before. This empathy continues to draw us closer together in our relationship. Our goal is to always address unmet needs as soon as possible. And with the HEAR Process, we feel confident in our ability to work through any hurt regardless of the magnitude of the hurt. Previously, hurts would normally fester, remain unresolved, or take us hours or days to resolve. With the HEAR Process, we can now reconcile hurts often within fifteen to thirty minutes. And even more importantly, the hurts truly feel resolved. Plus, we avoid causing additional hurts that would often come as a result of our old attempts to address problems.

Often times in relationships, we experience dramatically different points of view on the same subject or event. However, with the HEAR Process, we can come to a peaceful understanding and acceptance of each other and our differences. This understanding provides us with opportunities to draw close to those we love in spite of our differences.

The reason the HEAR Process works so consistently and predictably is that it is based on Scripture. This process helps us cooperate with the Holy Spirit to experienced Biblical truths in our daily walk with each other. In this cooperation, we experience the release of God’s blessings of reconciliation and restoration in our relationships.

Each step of the HEAR Process is critical. If each step is addressed with care, patience, thoroughness, and an attitude of humility towards God, you can experience success and relief! However, you will not be satisfied with the results if you try to shortcut or rush through this process. It would be the same as if you tried to shortcut the building of your home by not mixing the concrete correctly.

A particular benefit of learning the HEAR Process is that it is proven