Raj: Diary of a Manic Depressive

By John T

It all began on Thursday, March 14th, 2019. Raj woke up with suicidal thoughts. His mind was racing with negativity, which consumed him completely. He could no longer bear the pain; he needed an escape. That day changed everything. Raj was admitted to a hospital and kept in a psychiatric ward on constant observation. His life had been plagued with mental health problems. As a teen, he was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder; this time however, felt different. He had obsessive thoughts he could not control.
The book describes Raj’s journey after his diagnosis and the mood swings he has. It describes how visits from healthcare professionals and family could trigger a swing in mood. It also tells the story of his childhood, growing up with anxiety and the impact it had.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Feb 26, 2021
• ISBN: 9781398435179

John T

John T is a 30-year-old man, born and raised in England. He grew up in a small town called Royston before moving to London to study mathematics at Queen Mary. After his studies, he remained in London and began his career in investment banking.

Book preview

Raj: Diary of a

Manic Depressive

John T

Austin Macauley Publishers

Raj: Diary of a

Manic Depressive

About the Author

Dedication

Copyright Information ©

Saturday, 16th March 2019

Sunday, 17th March 2019

Monday, 18th March 2019

Tuesday, 19th March 2019

Thursday, 21st March 2019

Friday, 22nd March 2019

Saturday, 23rd March 2019

Sunday, 24th March 2019

Monday, 25th March 2019

Tuesday, 26th March 2019

Wednesday, 27th March 2019

Thursday, 28th March 2019

Friday, 29th March 2019

Saturday, 30th March 2019

Sunday, 31st March 2019

Monday, 1st April 2019

Tuesday, 2nd April 2019

Wednesday, 3rd April 2019

Thursday, 4th April 2019

Friday, 5th April 2019

Saturday, 6th April 2019

Sunday, 7th April 2019

Monday, 8th April 2019

Tuesday, 9th April 2019

Thursday, 11th April 2019

Friday, 12th April 2019

Saturday, 13th April 2019

Sunday, 14th April 2019

Monday, 15th April 2019

Wednesday, 17th April 2019

Thursday, 18th April 2019

Friday, 19th April 2019

Saturday, 20th April 2019

Sunday, 21st April 2019

Monday, 22nd April 2019

Tuesday, 23rd April 2019

Wednesday, 24th April 2019

Thursday, 25th April 2019

Friday, 26th April 2019

Saturday, 27th April 2019

Sunday, 28th April 2019

Monday, 29th April 2019

Let Me Continue with My Story

Tuesday, 30th April 2019

Wednesday, 1st May 2019

Thursday, 2nd May 2019

Friday, 3rd May 2019

Sunday, 5th May 2019

Monday, 6th May 2019

About the Author

John T is a 30-year-old man, born and raised in England. He grew up in a small town called Royston before moving to London to study mathematics at Queen Mary. After his studies, he remained in London and began his career in investment banking.

Dedication

To my dear children, you are everything to me, you are what makes life worth living and without you I am nothing.

To my wife, from the moment we met, I knew you were my soul mate. I hope we spend an eternity together.

To my parents and brother, without your sacrifices, I would not be in the position I am in today, thank you.

I miss you every day, Dad, always thinking of you.

Copyright Information ©

John T (2021)

The right of John T to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398435155 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398435162 (Hardback)

ISBN 9781398435179 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2021)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Saturday, 16th March 2019

It began on Thursday. Actually, the build-up started way before that. But let’s begin with Thursday.

It was 4 am and I woke with so much anxiety. Thoughts just racing through my head, some were unwanted obsessive thoughts, others I cannot recall. I couldn’t get back to sleep. The train of thoughts was non-stop; one thought led to another, which led to another, and so on. Before I knew it, feelings of anxiety developed, and I had no control of the thoughts. As much as I wanted them to stop, I couldn’t. My mind had taken control; I was a mere spectator, trapped within my mind.

At 6.30 am, my alarm went off; I was still awake. I usually set my alarm at this time on weekdays to get up for work. My usual routine would be to lay in bed for fifteen or so minutes after the alarm, before making my visit to the bathroom and getting dressed. I would usually leave the house at 7.10 am to catch the first of three trains into work. The journey is long; I take the over ground train to Moorgate, from Moorgate I take the Northern line to London Bridge, and from London Bridge I take the Jubilee line to Canary Wharf. The total journey time door-to-door is about 70 minutes.

I had every intention of going in to work that day when the alarm went off, but my body had a different plan. I simply wanted to get a few more minutes of sleep. I was so tired, not only from being awake, but tired because my mind was racing with thoughts I didn’t want. People often think that someone with a mental illness is only affected by unwanted thoughts, or to put in simple terms, things which only affect the mind. This is only partly true; yes, there are unwanted thoughts and mind issues, but these cause physical effects on the body. For me, I feel exhausted, my body aches, my mouth goes extremely dry, I cannot eat, and I cannot sleep.

Depression kicked in that morning, and I was so tired, both mentally and physically, I decided that I was in no state to work. I stayed in bed. My wife got the kids ready and dropped my son off to school.

My wife returned and asked how I was feeling. I didn’t have the energy to tell her, so I asked her to call the doctor and book an appointment.

By now I was very depressed. I was suicidal and I had a plan of how to do it. I won’t share the details, but it was going to be that night. I couldn’t stop the train of thoughts in my mind. It was out of control. The past few weeks I had been meditating and it really was helping, however this time I couldn’t focus. I had no energy, I just wanted to sleep.

At 12.10, I saw the doctor at the surgery and explained what I was feeling. She called the Crisis Team; they are a specialist team who deal with cases like mine. I knew that I wanted to see a psychiatrist at that stage; I just had to see one that day, the only thing that has helped me in the past is medication; the psychiatrist was the only one who could prescribe anything new.

Later in the day, at about 3.30 pm, I got a call from the Crisis Team. I explained my situation to them, how I was feeling and also what I had planned to do and how. His first response was, Why would you do that to your kids? This infuriated me. How could he, without knowing me, judge me like that? Did he not think that I had thought about everything? Was he not aware that I was in so much pain that I thought that my only way out was to end my life? The conversation focused on my plans. He told me I would have to wait until the next day until I could see a psychiatrist and he asked me to promise that I wouldn’t carry out my plan. I couldn’t do that, so he advised I go to hospital. He called an ambulance and within ten minutes of the call I was whisked away to A and E.

At the hospital, I was seen by a different Crisis Team. Again, I explained my situation, this time with the whole history. They advised I should be admitted to the hospital psychiatric ward. At the time, I thought this was a good idea, and that this way I would get to see a psychiatrist quickly. I would later find out this was not the case; I waited in A and E for eight hours! In the eight hours I was there, no health professional asked how I was not one nurse, not one doctor… They just glanced and looked away, as if I was not worthy of receiving care. There was a member of the security team keeping watch, so I didn’t run away! Looking back, I can’t believe it; the lack of compassion and empathy was extraordinary. The only person who asked how I was doing was the cleaner! He spoke with me for five minutes and told me I was going to be okay. It was nice to hear that.

Later that night, I was transferred to another hospital as there were no beds available where I was. I arrived at 3 am. I was searched, told to hand over my headphones and was shown to my room. The nurse told me to get some rest, locked my door and walked back to reception.

The next morning, I woke feeling a little better. I had tea, but as usual I had no appetite for food, and as usual I had morning vomits, which I have when I’m going through intense periods of anxiety. I had not eaten for a long time, so the vomit was just phlegm. I remember the strange metallic taste in my mouth.

I saw, I believe, the head nurse at around 10 am just after breakfast, and told her everything. She was a very nice lady and tried to reassure me that I was in the safest place I could be.

I was seen by a junior doctor at around 11 am. She wanted to know what had been happening, so for what seemed like the millionth time I explained my situation. They really need to invest in some note-sharing application. Anyway, the doctor finished listening and told me I would be seen by a consultant on Monday. Shit! I thought I would be out that day, and I knew that I didn’t want to stay a minute longer than I had to.

I sat in the communal area for a while, and I was able to observe the people around me. The people here are really sick. Schizophrenia, paranoia, obsessive disorders, bipolar… you name it, they were all here. One woman stood near the entrance door constantly, thinking she could escape. Another woman told anyone that would listen that her face was on fire. One man thought he was a professional rapper; he would play some instrumental music and start saying some words which didn’t even make sense. In all honestly, if he rapped in English, he might actually be good! The day went on, and as it did, I began to feel more depressed.

At around 3 pm, I was seen by Shane, who introduced himself as a psychologist who focuses on the importance of physical activities to get us going. We played table tennis; a warm-up and then a match of the best of five. I won 3–0! Later, I told him I used to play daily with my brother and dad when we were kids. We then talked and I told him what I had gone through. Shane was very helpful; he told me with confidence that I would get out of this. I felt better after speaking with him. Unfortunately, it was his last day working there, so I was never going to see him again.

I went to sleep that night feeling good, and I felt things would get better.

So now we are here, Saturday. I woke this morning with so much anxiety and felt very depressed. I couldn’t explain it, other than I did have a weird dream. ISIS had taken over London and were on a killing spree, targeting anyone who wasn’t Muslim. Me and my friends were just running through the city. Sounds weird but it was also kind of cool; I had a gun and used it to kill a few of them.

I got up, had my tea, and went back to sleep.

I think I woke at lunchtime, and to be honest I had crazy mood swings that day, so that time just passed by. It was microwaved cheese and tomato pasta for lunch. Great. I didn’t eat much as I had no appetite.

For dinner, I had mac and cheese. They really need to get more vegetarian options! Anyway, I was starting to feel better so had some sort of appetite. I also knew they were monitoring my food intake so I finished the whole plate, even though it tasted awful.

They monitor your every movement on the ward. They record your mood, how long you spend in your room, how long you are in the communal area. It’s intense!

Noticing this, I force myself to spend as much time as possible in the communal area. It’s hard in there, seeing other people who are really sick is a hard thing to watch, but if I am going to get out soon, I need to show that I’m better.

There are events I have missed out intentionally, those which include visits from my wife, and details of my obsessive thoughts.

This place is like a prison. Don’t get me wrong, the staff are nice, but I know I am trapped. I can’t go outside unsupervised; I can’t have my charger for my phone and I can’t have my earphones. They take away anything that could potentially cause harm. I hope that I will be discharged on Monday, which would make my time in here four days.

As for how I am feeling now? I’m confused. My mood swings are challenging! It’s not just the effects on the mind, it’s the physical toll on my body. I want a diagnosis, because hearing that, and getting on a treatment plan, I think and I hope will make me feel better.

Until tomorrow. Good night.

Sunday, 17th March 2019

I woke up at 3 am with really bad anxiety. My mouth and lips so dry, my heart racing at a million miles an hour. During the night, a nurse or healthcare assistant checked on me every 15 minutes. This involves switching the light on in the room (they basically want to check I’m still breathing). I tried going back to sleep and I eventually I did, probably at around 5 am.

Let me tell you about my room. It’s not very big and it’s more like a corridor. The door to the room is heavy, solid wood, with a small window. The window has a key-operated shutter, probably to make sure no one can escape. As you enter the room, there is a single bed on the right-hand side. Next to the bed on the left is a bedside cabinet, on the other side of the bed is an open wardrobe. It doesn’t have doors, nor does