Drinking Jokes

By Mel C. Thompson

Break the ice at any party with this fun book one one-liners and short jokes. The first section is all drinking jokes that everyone can relate to, and the second section is a massive collection of my comedy gags from back in my social media days. The third section is a small selection of jokes I did back when I was a part-time on-air personality at a rap station in San Francisco.

These jokes maintain an edge, and so no one is safe from being teased. The work is totally non-partisan, so everyone comes in for a solid teasing. And while the first section can apply to drinkers of all types, it was written largely under the influence of wine, mostly Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauvignon to be more specific. The second section is largely excerpts from my Facebook feed which served as daily entertainment to folks who had known me in the live-poetry years, the Tribe.net years, and the Facebook years. The third section contains short works from the time I labored daily to come up with 30-second to 60-second gags for the introduction to the morning show at KMEL back around the year 2,001. And the last section is drawn from my meme-making era.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mel C. Thompson
• Release date: Feb 7, 2021
• ISBN: 9781005652746

Mel C. Thompson

Mel C. Thompson is a retired wage slave who survived by working through temp agencies and guard agencies. Unable to survive in the real world of full-time, permanent work, he migrated from building to building, going wherever his agencies sent him, doing any type of work he could feign competency in and staying as long as those fragile arrangements could last. He somehow managed to get a B.A in Philosophy from Cal-State Fullerton in spite of his learning disorders and health problems. Unable to sustain family life due to depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, lack of transportation and lack of income, he lives alone in low-income housing and wanders around California on buses and trains. He began writing at the age of 14 and continues till the current day. (He turns 64 in June of 2023). In his early years he wrote pathetic love poetry until, in his thirties, he was engulfed by cynicism and fell in with a group of largely antisocial poets who wrote about the underground life of drugs, sex, alcohol, poverty, prostitution, heresy, isolation and alienation. In his fortes he turned to prose and began to write religious fiction with an emphasis on the comedic aspect of theology and philosophy. He now writes short novels focusing on the attempt to find meaning in a economic world beset with money laundering, unethical marketing, contraband smuggling, human trafficking, patent trolling, corrupt contracting and every manner of spiritual and psychological desperation and degradation. When he is not writing, he wanders from hospital to medical clinic to surgical room attempting to sustain what little health he has left after a lifetime of complications resulting from birth defects and genetic problems. When he is able, he engages in such hobbies as reading, walking, yoga and meditation; and whenever there is any money left over from his healthcare-related quests, he goes to wine tastings and searches for foodie-related bargains. Before the pandemic, he spent many years gaming various travel-points systems and wrangled many free trips to Europe. He is divorced and has no children, no pets, no real estate, no stocks nor any other assets beyond the $550 in his savings account. His career peaked in the early 2000s when he did comedy gags for a radio station and had about 10,000 listeners per week. However, currently, he may have as few as five active readers on any given day. He no longer has the stamina to promote his work and only finds new readers through ran...

Book preview

Drinking Jokes

And Other Bits of Comedy

And The Mad Wizdom of Officer Mushroom

Mel C. Thompson

Copyright © 2021

To contact the author, feel free to use the contact data below.

[e-mail]

Mel C. Thompson Publishing

3559 Mount Diablo Boulevard, #112

Lafayette, CA 94549

Disclaimer

It’s almost impossible to know if any joke one writes has already been thought of or presented by a hundred other comedians around the world. I can only say that this collection of jokes were ones I thought were at least partially original at the time I wrote them, but it’s highly unlikely that someone, somewhere didn’t think these same thoughts before I did.

Cover Images

The Jolly, a vintage masenghini playing card, Bergamo, Italy. Uploaded by Trocche 100 who released the work into the public doman and grants the right to use the image for any purpose permitted by law. Item found at Wikimedia.

Cheers, an non-copyrighted Public Domain Vectors work found at publicdomainvectors.org.

Drinking Jokes

*

A lot of people worry that I might have a drinking problem.

I don't have a drinking problem; I've got a drinking solution.

*

A friend of mine called and said he was really struggling with alcohol.

When I got to his house, sure enough, the bottle of wine was resisting being opened. I helped him wrestle the thing to the ground and, after a prolonged struggle, we finally got it uncorked.

*

The police spotted me wandering down the street carrying a half-full bottle of wine and said they would have to cite me for having an open container.

Confused, I replied, But how can I drink from the bottle if I don't open it first?

*

As I stumbled down the street in a daze, a police officer approached me and said, Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

I tilted my head and said, Are you meaning to imply that there are people who are not drinking tonight?

*

The police gave me a field sobriety test, but the results were not good.

I refused the breathalyzer test, so the officer said, We're going to have to take you to the station and administer a blood-alcohol test.

I replied, Are you saying you still think there's some blood in me?

*

Sobriety advocates state that one warning sign that a person might be an alcoholic is that they engage in a lot of