Chicken Pharmagiana

By charles fisher

Someone has introduced the deadliest virus known to man into the food stream. Carla and Harper, now Chiefs, get the job of solving the mystery as people drop dead by the thousands in every state.  Area 51 gets involved, and big pharma becomes a prime suspect.

• Language: English
• Publisher: charles fisher
• Release date: Jan 30, 2021
• ISBN: 9781386277521

Book preview

Chicken Pharmagiana

Millions and millions served, and nobody ever lived to complain

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World Headquarters, Gencorp Medical, Incorporated

Millbank Avenue

Greenwich, Connecticut

April, 2005

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I like that idea, 40 year old  Gencorp CEO Lauren Phillips said. Can you do it?

Of course, Peter Lawton, CEO of Lawton Laboratories, a subsidiary of Gencorp, said. I can do anything.

This will be the most dangerous thing we have ever tried, Lauren said as she sat back in her $3500.00 office chair. Better than the fake Flu vaccine we sell. Very risky. My shareholders don’t like risky. You have to be absolutely sure. If you are not, well, you know what will happen next. I know where your kids go to school.

I do, Lawton said. But you must understand. I only do the biological research. I create the product. The cure is up to Denham Laboratories.

Carl Denham, Lauren smiled. He never got over the King Kong reference, but he is the best there is. He can cure anything, cancer and the common cold included. But of course we won’t let him, she grinned. Cures don’t ring the register. Drugs that mask the symptoms do. If millions of Americans want to smoke themselves into oblivion, that’s their problem. Or shoot heroin, or snort cocaine, or any of the other self destructive things they do. I could care less how many of them die, as long as we make a profit keeping them alive as long as possible at the expense of the insurance companies and the government when we know the eventual outcome. Do you agree?

I do, Lawton said. I don’t live in a five million dollar house because I want diseases cured. I live there because I know how to prevent them from being cured.

That’s what I like about you, Lauren grinned. You’re almost as evil as me."

That’s a great compliment, coming from a low, crawling, murderous skunk like you.

Ooooooo! Insult me Daddy; I’m getting excited. Now go do your job. Don’t waste time sitting here talking to me. I want this up and running in two years.

Denham Pharmaceutical Development

98 North Broadway

Tarrytown, New York

November, 2005

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Get the fuck out of here, Carl Denham laughed. Are you insane, screwing around with that shit?

I am, Peter Lawton grinned. And the screwing is all done. Here is the full report, he said, tossing a three inch thick folder onto Denham’s desk. The Mistress of Mayhem wants this project to start in 2007. That gives you about a year and a half to come up with a cure and a vaccine.

Nobody can cure that, Denham said, pointing at the folder. A vaccine is an entirely different matter, depending on what you did to the virus. Did you leave me a way to get inside it? Antibodies won’t work on that level. You realize you could kill half the population of the United States with this, don’t you?

Well, anything worth doing is worth doing right, Lawton said. There have been two other outbreaks; the Congo and Angola. The mortality rate was 80%. Amateurs, he grinned. This one is going to be 100%, and it will make you deader than Buddy Holly in 72 hours.

You better be real careful when you bring any of that stuff over here for us to work with, Denham said.

Of course, Lawton said. It will be frozen to absolute zero and packed according to standards for BSL-4 microbes. Don’t make any mistakes; Gencorp owns your company.

So the plan is to develop a vaccine, which we will all take first, of course, and a fake cure. Then Little Miss Broadway will unleash this hell on the country. How does she intend to do that? Denham said.

I have no idea. That’s not my department. Look, Denham, you know the way we operate. Everything is on a need to know basis. That way we can’t truthfully testify against each other. There will be no written memos, emails, phone calls, or computer records associated with this project. Your vaccine will receive immediate approval.

I’d love to know how she gets that done so fast, Denham sighed. Like that Flu vaccine we peddle that has an eighteen percent effective rate. That prick who runs the FDA would deny his own mother a Tylenol.

You really want to know how she does it? Lawton grinned. She had one of his daughters killed. She told him he had better approve all our stuff or she’d start checking off family members.

And she gets away with that? Denham exclaimed. I thought she just bribed people.

She never involves herself personally. The threats are conveyed by her little squad of goons in a manner nobody can refuse. You know; like when you go to your mailbox and there’s a picture of one of your kids standing next to some goon from Guatemala, and he has a big smile on his face and his arm around the kid.

How does she sleep at night? Denham laughed.

In a thirty five  million dollar mansion, sucking on her girlfriend’s twat.

Does she have a sister? Denham grinned. Get that shit over here so I can unravel the code.

World Headquarters, Gencorp Medical, Incorporated

Millbank Avenue

Greenwich, Connecticut

October, 2006

Here it is, Denham smiled as he held up a glass bottle. Inside was a beautiful aquamarine colored liquid. The key to the mint."

More like the U.S. Treasury, Lauren said. Are you sure it works?

Oh, it works, all right, Denham said. I tested it on my sister, he grinned. I never liked her anyway. I gave her the vaccine, and told her it was our new flu shot. Then I  told her she needed a booster shot in three weeks. I gave her the virus as her booster shot; enough to kill a horse in twenty four hours. That was two months ago. She never even so much as coughed.

I want more testing just to be sure. I’ll have Jack get some volunteers, she grinned. A hundred should do.

Her idea of a volunteer was a blackjack across the back of the head, and you woke up chained to a bed in an abandoned Army base in Colorado owned by Gencorp; it was run by her enforcer, Jack Murphy. The doctors had their way with you for a month, then you got a bullet in the head and a quick cremation.

How do you intend to introduce this into the public? I need to know for scientific reasons. It can only be transmitted by direct contact with body fluids. I cut way back on the contagion aspect. Otherwise, there would be nobody left alive to sell the vaccine to.

Tastes like chicken, Lauren grinned.

You aren’t, Denham laughed.

I am, Lauren said. That’s the easiest way to get it into all fifty states.

Roland Tate won’t go along with that; it will bankrupt the company when they figure out where the virus came from, and he still owns twenty five percent of the stock.

Fuck him, Lauren said. I own the other seventy five. I’ll flush a ten billion dollar company in a heartbeat if I make five hundred billion on the other end, maybe even a trillion if this goes worldwide. Besides, Tate doesn’t  have to go along with it; I’m not going to tell him. I have somebody inside the processing plant who will put the virus into the pre-wash. It’s all automated, so nobody in the plant will get sick. They wear full suits anyway.

You are a true genius, Denham smiled. A Devil in a blue dress.

Just start cranking out as much of that vaccine as you can. I want enough to do the entire planet by spring of next year. Let’s see what Roland Tate has to say about my sex life after he’s on welfare and maybe in prison.

He is somewhat critical of your proclivities, Denham smiled.

He should talk. The only reason he sold me that stock was because his wife caught him screwing strippers and shoved it in his ass in divorce court. All of  sudden he found Jesus, and now he thinks he’s better than me. He is not, and I intend to prove that to him. Let’s see his bible save him from what I have planned for him.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Studio 6A, 30 Rockefeller Plaza

New York City

April, 2007

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Good grief; why do I do this, Conan sighed as Carla put her feet up on his desk, her red cocktail dress riding up so high they had to change the camera angle. I think you just set off the smoke alarm, he smiled. At least Harper keeps his clothes on.

I’m a girl! Harper shouted. Can’t you remember anything?

Don’t pay Shifty no mind, Carla grinned. She tells everybody she is a girl. Maybe they oughta stop doin’ them sex change operations. Hers didn’t turn out real good.

You’re going to need an operation to put your face back together, Miss I Take it From Behind. And I’ll have you know, Conrad, I can’t wear clothes like Barbie the Great wears. I have too many scars from saving her butt and winning my four police Medals of Valor.

Uh, my name is Conan, he smiled.

Whatever.

Thanks, Hunter, Conan smiled. Oh, by the way; congratulations to both of you on your promotions. You are both Chiefs now, correct?

Right, Carla grinned. Wanna see my cre-dentials?

I think I just saw them, Conan said as he mopped his brow.

That were my boing-boing, Carla grinned. Course y’all probably forgot what those look like, you bein’ a married old fool and all.

I’m not old, Conan huffed. I am in my forties.

Y’all could be in my boing-boing if you had a lick of sense, Carla grinned. But you ain’t. Gettin’ married like you done, with all that money you make? You could have you a different teenager sittin’ on your face every night of the week, stead of plowin’ the same road all the damn time. Y’all got kids?

Two. Neve and Beckett.

Are they yours? Harper giggled.

Neve and Beckett. Sounds like a damn faggot law firm, Carla grumbled.

What did I tell you about your language? Conan sighed.

Y’all told me not to call queers faggots, and that I could not say cocksucker on national TV, Carla grinned.

Better get another tape ready, Conan said to the producer. I think it’s going to be a long night with a lot of bleeping.

Y’all be too damn fussy, Carla said. Wanna see my squirrel?

No. And please do not use derogatory terms when referring to gay people.

Why they call ‘em gay? Never did understand that. Gay means happy. You think them boys are happy with a big old boner shoved up their..........

Cut! Conan shouted. Go to commercials. You cannot say things like that on network television. This isn’t the Howard Stern Show. If I put that on the air, I’d be fired the next day.

Nina Goldman ain’t gonna do it, Carla grinned. Humper took care of her ass. She got a broke neck and no job.

And I thank you for that, Conan said as they went back to taping. I never knew a more miserable person in my life, he said, eyeing Harper carefully.

What are you looking at me for? Harper shrieked. You watch it, Mr. Deck Paint Head. You could be my next opponent in the ring.

Oh, for our new audience members who may not know about Harper, she is a part time professional wrestler with the WWA. She is a former NWA Women’s Champion, too. And no, I do not intend to fight her.

You might not have a choice, Harper grinned. Of course it wouldn’t be much of a fight; I estimate three minutes tops; two of which I would sit on your back and choke you out with your own pink silk panties.

Three minutes would be longer than he lasts with his old lady, Carla grinned. I hear she got an egg timer on the night stand.

Not hardly, Conan huffed. I am a very good lover.

Not hard-ly? Harper giggled. Isn’t that your nickname at home? Does she still make you wear the Richard Nixon mask?

I am a manly man, Conan said, staring into the camera. The Beast of the Boudoir. That’s why they named Schwarzenegger’s movie after me.

Oh, just who I’d want to be compared to if I were a man, Harper laughed. Mr. Steroids. I bet he has a two incher.

I thought you were a man, Conan smiled.

Ha ha. You’re funny. How would you like to wrestle me and find out who the real man is?

No thanks, I’m not  a violent person.

I am, Harper grinned. Want a sample, ketchup head?

No. We are all friends here. I like you girls; that’s why I keep inviting you back, much to my own detriment.

I got a nice detriment, Carla grinned. Fuzzy Wuzzy, they called it in the orphanages. Wanna see it?

No, I do not. I am faithful to my wife. We have been married five years now.

One night with me and it won’t be six, Carla grinned. Course you cannot afford me.

I can afford you, Conan smirked. Carla leaned over and whispered into his ear. On second thought, maybe I can’t, he said as the crowd roared. Is that how much you get, or is that the national debt?

Ain’t much difference between them two figures, Carla shrugged. I am worth every penny. But you bein’ the leg warmer wearin’ dude who comes to work on a pink girl’s bicycle, you will never find out.

I drive a nice car, Conan said. Not a bicycle. And I don’t believe a night with any woman on Earth is worth that ridiculous price you just quoted me.

Y’all would not pay your wife that much? Carla said. Shame on you.

That’s different. My wife is my wife, not a ....... you know.

A what? Carla said. Be specific, boy. If you are gonna call me a damn whore, have the balls to say it to my face.

I did not suggest that you are any such thing. We are just having a general discussion about how much a........... why do I let you trap me into these things.

Because y’all be stupid, Carla grinned. Every man on this here planet got one thing in mind when he wakes up in the mornin’, and I am a perfect example of what it be. Average man has a fantasy about a hot gal every thirty seconds he is awake, and  accordin’ to my survey on Carla.com, 85 % of ‘em is about me.

You really think highly of yourself, don’t you, Conan said. Do you really think you’re that hot?

Less find out, Carla grinned. The band began playing David Rose’s The Stripper; Carla got up and did a wild dance in front of the audience. She took down the straps of her dress, and the monitors went to black as the men in the audience began throwing cash onto the stage. Five minutes later, she sat back down. What you got to say now, boy? she grinned as she counted her money. I just made a thousand dollars for the nuns. What you make for the nuns this week?

Nothing, Conan smiled. I can’t dance in my underwear like you just did. Thank God we didn’t let any kids in here tonight.

Best thank God I had underwear, Carla grinned. Usually I do not. I know; let Shifty do a strip routine next. Bet that will lose your audience.

I think we’ve had enough stripping for one night, Conan sighed. Why do you always do this to me?

Because you let me and cannot help yourself. You be just like any man, but will not admit it. I bet all them boys in the audience be married, but they throwed money at me because I gave them something missing in their lives. I relieve boredom. They will go home to the fat, ugly crew cut bastards they married and maybe they will ride the sweaty express; but they will be thinking of me while they do it, not the flab monster under them.

You don’t think much of the average American housewife, do you.

No, I do not. Why should I? I have been a cop since I were eleven years old. I have worked a lot of matrimony related cases. I have yet to find one man who is happy with his wife. How you explain that?

You’re working with criminal investigations. People like that are never happy with anything, because they set themselves on the wrong path.

You could be right. However, I see a lot of men in the ShopMart who are not happy,  and do not bring up that incident where I showed the boy my backside in the canned goods aisle, Carla said as the audience roared. That were a misunderwear, or whatever they call it. Boy wanted something on the top shelf because he were a little bastard like ya’ll. So he looks at me and says ‘I want that can. Can you help me?’ Course I did not know what he meant right off, so I showed him the best can he ever seen, she grinned. Now where were we, boy? You distracted me.

As if that would be hard to do, Harper muttered. Corona, did she tell you she lost twice to a Cocker Spaniel on Jeopardy?

I saw both of those shows, Conan grinned. And it’s Conan, not Corona.

Whatever.

Damn dog cheated! Carla exclaimed as the audience cheered.

You were telling us about all the unhappy men you see in the grocery store, Conan smiled. I can’t wait to hear this.

I bet you can’t, since you are gonna be one of ‘em real soon. I see these boys all the time; shufflin’ along behind some fat crew cut  moose in a sweat suit waddlin’ through the potato chip aisle, where I never go, of course, fine female that I am. Boys look like they are gonna go home and swaller a gun in the ga-rage, because they done messed up, and picked a three from the bottom of the deck instead of an Ace like me, Carla grinned.

Hah, Harper laughed. More like somebody on the list of infectious diseases from Atlanta.

I got no cooties! Carla yelled. You take that back!

Make me, Harper grinned. Can’t do it, can you, fat butt.

You will find out what I can do when y’all stop fakin’ them injuries so you do not have to face your fate. That be me, Carla grinned.

Are you two going to fight each other? Conan laughed. I’d pay to see that.

Y’all just had a chance to pay to see my boing-boing and y’all turned me down, Carla nodded. Y’all got to be gay to do that. And yes, me and Shifty are gonna have us a rasslin’ match on a WWA Pay-per-View, and she is gonna lose to the best there has ever been. That be me, Carla grinned.

In your dreams, Pudgy, Harper grinned. As soon as all the injuries I sustained saving your life heal up, your Jello butt belongs to me. I was the NWA Women’s World Champion when I was eleven; what were you when you were eleven? Harper smirked.

Drunk and glad I were not pregnant, Carla grinned.

Good grief, Conan sighed. Are you serious?

I am always serious, boy, Carla nodded. You do not know what kind of life I lived in them places. That is not a good environment for a kid to grow up in. You learn to do whatever it takes to survive. Or get your buzzer rung, she grinned. "That reminds me about Doorbell Dora Richardson, who stole the doorbell off the front door of the orphanage and figgered a  way to run wires up to her room and hook that doorbell  up to her...... why y’all looking at me like that? It be a true