Death Penalty

By charles fisher

James Anders is back from the dead to torment Carole one more time. One of the Anders clones surfaces at a trendy prep school in Greenwich, CBS TV President Nina Goldman returns for a wrestling  rematch with Harper, and the new Town Manager decides he wants to work a drug case with Harper, which leads to her 2nd Medal of Valor and a trip to the hospital for him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: charles fisher
• Release date: Feb 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201937218

Book preview

Table of Contents

Death Penalty | The Resurrection of James Anders | God May Not Kill You, But I Will

The End | Carla and the girls will return in Wrong Person.

Death Penalty

The Resurrection of James Anders

God May Not Kill You, But I Will

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Stratford Police Department

900 Longbrook Ave.

Stratford, Connecticut

October, 2005

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You think Jimmy Anders is still alive? Are you for real? Carole laughed. After what we did to him? He’s dead, period. Bridewell spent two days on that...... you know.

I do not know, Carla said. Speak plain English, girl.

That piece of charred flesh in the evidence bag you gave me exactly two years ago.

Oh, that, Carla grinned. That were a overcooked hamburger they threw in the garbage at Burger King.

Sure it was. Hamburgers do not have Jimmy Anders’ DNA in them.

They do when I cook ‘em, Carla grinned.

Then why haven’t I heard from him in two years? He loves to call me in the middle of the night and rub my face in it.

Buford Ray Lollipop used to do that in the orphanage, Carla grinned. Only it were his face that got rubbed in somethin’, not mine. Boy paid a fair price, too.

Cripes, Harper laughed as she shook her head. Miss Morality 1994 strikes again. What were you, nine years old when you left that place?

Eleven, Carla grinned. I done reached Huberty early.

Puberty, Carole smiled. You idiot. You’re thinking of Hubert Humphrey. He was a good Democrat.

Ain’t no good Democrats no more. Last one that was worth a shit got shot full of holes in Dallas and no, I ain’t gonna work on that case for y’all, so do not ask.

Probably couldn’t solve it anyway, asshole, Carole muttered. And who the hell names their kid Buford Ray Lollipop, you twit?

That were a nickname, because he liked to suck on crotch candy. And we been here five minutes, and I been called idiot, asshole, and twit. You got some ‘splainin’ to do before I decide to kick your wrinkly old hind end.

Would you prefer imbecile? Carole smiled.

Mo-ron is more accurate. I am smarter than a damn imbecile. And I would prefer spaghetti and meatballs.

Now you’re talking, Carole said as she grabbed the telephone and dialed Salerno’s. Vito Antonelli came in and sat down.

Jeez, he sighed. Lookit that fat dummy Larsen, ordering more chow. And Carla and Humper is here, too? I thought I heard girly yapping. No wonder the real ItalianChief can’t get no work done with all the racket youse broads make.

Work on this, Harper said, holding up a middle finger. And you can address me as Lieutenant Cochran, she smiled.

Youse can dress your own dumb ass, Lieutenant Cockroach, Vito grinned. I ain’t puttin’ no clothes on your crummy body unless youse got a new flea collar and I got a blindfold.

Spell deodorant, Harper grinned.

Shaddup, Shifty, Vito said with a wave of his hand. Carole pulls that shit on me all the time, asking me to spell Antel....Antom... youse know what I mean.

You stupid fucking jerkoff, Harper laughed. You don’t even know your own last name, much less how to spell it.

I don’t gotta spell it, Vito grinned. Marie knows how. She even got a stamp made so she don’t have to write it.

Says Dumbass Dago on it, Tracy smiled as she came in. What’s this I hear about Anders still bein’ alive? When Carla kills a fella, he don’t usually come back.

Yes, Carla said, pumping her fist in the air.

Just an unsubstantiated rumor Skunk Face started, Carole smiled.

Skunk Face? Y’all called me Skunk Face? Carla exclaimed. I will whoop your ass, old timer.

Then you won’t be Chief of D when I retire, Carole smiled.

Her? Tracy exclaimed. Ya might as well hang a sign outside that says Murder Incorporated. I thought I’d get that job. I’m the Assistant Chief of D, not the Fairlane Fuck Toy.

Why, you big redheaded Peggy Bundy lookalike bastard, Carla huffed. I am a fine example of a law enforcement officer.

You be a out of control psycho with a badge, Tracy grinned. I should be the next Chief of D, not you.

I have a better idea, Carole said. Clarence is the same age as me. We will probably retire together. How about Chief of Police Tracy O’Neil?

Now ya come to your senses, Tracy nodded. A police department should be run by an Irishman, not no spook faker KFC eatin’ bastard.

Spook? Spook what? ClarenceJackson said as he stuck his head in the door. You wanna go back on patrol, Big Red?

Aye, I do, Tracy grinned. I like patrol. That’s where I do me best work, kickin’ the arses of all them preppie phonies in this town who think who they are. Ya got any fried chicken and watermelon, fella? Tracy said. I am of a mind to eat like a Negro. Makes the bastards easier to catch  if you can think like them.

Niggers can’t think, Carole giggled. Don’t waste your time.

Don’t forget I outrank you, Lardass Larsen, Clare nodded. I can fire your white ass.

You aren’t smart enough to fill out the form, Carole grinned. Hey, they have an exhibition this Saturday at the Monkey House at the Beardsley Park Zoo. They’re calling it The Jackson Family Show. Are you going?

Damn, Clarence sighed. White motherfuckers always got to keep the black man down.

You were down when you were born, Buckwheat, Carole giggled. Go clean my car. Your people like to work in car washes, don’t they? When they aren’t in prison, that is.

Aye, Tracy laughed. Chief Orangutan will probably star in the fuckin’ thing, hangin’ from a  tree with them big arms he got.

And what be this bullshit about Jimmy Anders bein’ alive? Clare said. I want a report on my desk in 24 hours. That means you, Captain Cooze, he said, eyeing Carla.

And y’all can kiss my curvy delicious white ass, boy, Carla grinned. I don’t make no re-ports on rumors, and that’s all it be at this time. I say the boy is alive. Do not doubt me, because I am the one that seen him last.

Was he still alive when you seen him? Clare grinned.

I cannot answer that question, Carla grinned as the Salerno’s boys came in with Carole’s order. I got to plead insanity on that one, son. And do not make fun of the way I talk. I am from Kansas. We got our own language.

So do the Chiefy, Tracy grinned. She scratched at her armpits and made grunting noises. Ain’t that right, Chimp?

Chimp this, Stretch, Clare said, grabbing his crotch. You are now on patrol for one week with Margo the Miserable.

I hope it be Stratford Avenue, Tracy grinned. So’s we can lock up all the Negroes. Maybe make Stratford a normal place to live again.

Larsen Residence

Laurel Dr.

Stratford, Connecticut

October, 2005

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Now what, Carole sighed as her phone buzzed.  It was three AM, and George Noory was interviewing Douglas Dietrich, who claimed to have proof that FDR knew about Pearl Harbor but let it happen so America could get into the war and lose over 300,000 young people in combat so the war machine could enrich itself.

Hi, Carole, the old familiar voice said. Guess who.

A good voice impersonator, Carole yawned.

You wish, Anders said. You know my voice better than anyone. You’ve been listening to it for over forty years.

Anyone can impersonate anybody, Carole sighed. I don’t know who you are, but James Anders is dead. I have the indisputable evidence.

And what evidence would that be? Anders said.

The hospital records from Sweden, confirming that you were turned into a female torso by persons unknown. Then the records of you coming to America with mechanical limbs, then the flesh sample with a perfectDNA match.

Flesh sample? Anders smiled. You mean when Carla burned my twin brother Caleb at the stake?

Your twin....... that’s ridiculous.

Then how did Birdwell get a charred piece of meat in an evidence bag with matching DNA? Twins have matching DNA, stupid, Anders said. "You see, Carole, you were never as smart as me. I outsmarted you so many times I lost track, and I will continue to do so until it’s the proper time for me to kill you. My brother sacrificed his miserable life for me, and you never caught on, did you? Remember all the financial problems he had? I fixed those. For a price, of course. He would have died soon anyway; he had cancer. And you idiots never did convict him.

His death had meaning after I paid off his miserable family; the meaning was that you had an innocent man butchered, while I sat in my villa in........ well, I won’t tell you where. I always come out on top, Carole. Always.Just like Mrs.Kase did when she gave you detention the day before Christmas break because you shit on the floor in English class. It’s been two years since we last talked, Anders yawned. I’ve enjoyed two years of screwing the most beautiful girls on this planet. Now I’m going to screw one of the ugliest. That would be you. Have anice day, he said. The line went dead.

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Stratford Police Department

900 Longbrook Ave.

Stratford, Connecticut

October, 2005

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Anders called me last night, Carole said.

There’s a first, Harper snickered. A man calling Carole at night. Figures it would be somebody who wants you dead. You been hitting the Cognac again? Anders is dead.

It was him. He told me about a little accident I had in high school English class, and he named the teacher who gave me detention. Nobody would know about that except him. I want an all out investigation on this.

You do? Harper smiled. Do you have his caller ID?

No. He spoofs it. It can’t be traced.

Thanks for the great assistance there, Chief. Is there anything else you don’t know?

Accy-dent in class? Carla grinned. What kind of accy-dent?

Never mind, Carole snapped. It isn’t important. Just find him.

Let me guess, Harper grinned.You got turned down for the cheerleader squad because your pom poms weren’t big enough. Rah rah rah, I’m a little runt. Kicked out of class for sticking things in my.....

That will do, Carole snapped. I never did anything like that.

I know about the incident in question, Kennedy smiled as he came in and unwrapped a hot dog. It is a day that will live in infamy forever. I was sitting right behind the perpetrator of the deed. My lung capacity has never been the same since.

You shut up about that, you fat bastard, Carole hissed. That wasn’t my fault. That teacher wouldn’t give me permission to go to the Ladies’ Room.

So you made your own Ladies’ Room, Kennedy smiled. You laid the Larsen Loaf under your desk, as you had done so many times before. Poor Bob Anderson had to be taken to the hospital. He still has symptoms of Tuberculosis.

He deserved it, Carole snapped. He wouldn’t go out with me.

Who would, Mistress Meat Loaf? Your rectum proceeded you. Nobody would take the chance that you might shit in their car.

I shit in Richie Schreyer’s console one time, Carole giggled. That’s not important; what counts is that the caller claiming to be Anders knew about the alleged incident.

Alleged? Carla grinned. Y’all shit on the floor in class or not?

You shut up, Trampy. You’re no angel either, after what you did in my Cutlass. So I made a mistake. It wasn’t my fault.

Y’all done it, Carla grinned. Pooped on the damn floor in English class. What in the hell is wrong with you?

I had a digestive problem, okay? Carole snapped.

She couldn’t digest the side of beef and the sheet cake she had for breakfast that day, Kennedy smiled.  Not to mention the ten plates of Poison Poontang Pasta-Go Round she ate for lunch.

That was good stuff, Carole giggled. Now get out of here and leave me alone. Send for Birdwell, Pat. And you two worthless assholes go do your job and find Anders.

Less go, Shifty, Carla sighed. Leave the Poopy Princess here. We got to locate this boy.

Bubba’s Adult Emporium

Barnum Avenue

Stratford, Connecticut

October, 2005

Hi, Bill Clinton grinned when Carla and Harper came in. How you gals doing?

Good, Carla said as she set four huge Burger King bags on the counter.

I know what thembags mean. Y’all need a favor from the  former Leader of the Free World.

Nope, Carla said. Just a place to hang out for a spell.

We’re supposed to be looking for Anders, Harper smiled. Not eating hamburgers with this porno peddling pervert.

Now hold on there, girl, Bill nodded. This here be a legal business. I got more inventory, he smiled. See anything you like?

No, Harper smiled. That includes you.

Now don’t go getting’ all uppity, airport whore, Carla said as she took a Double Triple Bacon Cheese Whopper out of the bag.

Airport whore? Bill grinned as he grabbed a burger. What’s that about?

We was in New York on po-lice business, and she sucked on the airline pilot’s boner in the cockpit.

I did not! Harper yelled. It was in the lounge, she giggled.

I got a video for y’all, Bill grinned. Double D Stewardesses; Hair Pie in the Sky.

No thanks, you sick smut peddler, Harper said as she grabbed a burger. How about a video of a former President being assassinated? Got one of those?

That’s not funny, Bill nodded. Anders; ain’t that the boy who killed a bunch of Carole’s classmates?

The one and only, Carla said as she guzzled a soda and let out a roaring belch.

What a slob, Harper laughed. Don’t you have any manners?

I got ‘em, Carla mumbled as she wolfed down a pack of Fries. I just ain’t usin’ ‘em right now.

She had the Hershey squirts in her pants on the job and fucked up Carole’s front seat, Harper grinned.

I still got the newspaper she made me sit on, too, Carla grinned. Y’all wanna smell it?

Give it to Bubba as a keepsake, Harper said.

Lot of boys would buy that newspaper, Carla nodded as she burned through burger number four. I know some fellers who like that kind of shit, no pun intended. I bet I could get five grand for that paper.

A true Hallmark moment. When you care enough to send the very best diarrhea stained newspaper.

Wasn’t diarrhea, Carla grinned as mayonnaise ran down her chin. It were just on the gooey side.

You have something running down your chin, Harper said. As if that’s anything new.

That talent funded my retirement account, Carla nodded as she grabbed  a napkin. Had me a goodchallenge from Rhonda Sue Bowfield, but I whooped her ass in the finals.

Bubba knows all about that, Harper said. Don’t you, Bill.

That were an unfortunate incident, Bill said. I am truly sorry about that. I should have told the truth.

Should have been a better shot with the Presidential Pecker, Carla mumbled. Wouldn’t have been no evy-dence for them gals to hang y’all with. Me, I would have took that dress and used it in an ad on my web site. I would have parlayed that bad boy into a two hundred percent increase in sales.

Most of which you would spend on penicillin, Harper said.

I got no cooties. I am a clean gal, Carla said.

Is that why there’s a can of Raid next to the five gallon pail of douche in your bathroom? Harper said.

That Raid is for crickets and such. And I buy shit in quantity to save money. I am a edgy-cated consumer, and a frugal Republican gal.

Sure you are. And Bill never cheats on his wife.

I got good reason, Bill nodded as he opened the black curtain behind him, revealing Hillary’s picture.

Cover that damn thing up! Carla yelled. Decent folks is tryin’ to eat, and do not deserve to see that.

Man got to have his enjoyment, Bill shrugged as he closed the curtain. Y’all think of any man who would enjoy rollin’ around in a pile with that? Even Newt wouldn’t do that, and the boy has been known to yank the teeth out of a python and fill its yap with Astroglide. He been in  here, you know, he grinned. Wore a damn fake mustache and a bad wig. Figured I would not recognize him.

Our wonderful government hard at work, Harper said. Maybe that was a bad choice of words.

Hard at Work, Bill mused. I got to pass that along to the studio. That would make a fine political thriller.

How about Bubba Goes to Jail? Harper smiled. Now, there’s a video I’d buy.

How about Oral Arguments? Bill grinned. That be a fine legal movie.

You two deserve each other, Harper said. Two sex maniacs.

Bill be my friend, Carla nodded. He has helped the de-partment many times. He may be a tad short on the moral side of town, but most folks are.

Wow, is that a confession? Harper laughed. Tell me the two basic components of a good relationship between a man and a woman.

Get the money up front and don’t tell the boy your real name, Carla grinned.

Bill laughed so hard he almost fell down. That be funnier than when Boris Yelstin called me a disaster, he sighed, wiping an eye. Carla understands men and women perfect.

I give up, Harper said. You’re both hopeless.

We is Andersless, too, Carla said as she downed burger number eight. Reminds me of a good old boy back in Arkansas.

Please, Harper said, holding up her hands. We don’t need this. You’re not from Arkansas.

We got relatives on Mary’s side that are from there. You will meet them some day.

Gee, I can’t wait, Harper said. I bet they’re almost as smart as you.

Close, Carla shrugged. But they ain’t got no dog who can beat me at Jeopardy. Anyhow, before your airport whore ass interrupted me, I were about to tell the story.Bubba will vouch for this, because he is from Arkansas and knows about stuff like this. Boy was named Billy Bob Joe Ray Jackie Lee Buford Pusser Horse Shit Reynolds. Fam’ly could only have one kid due to the fact daddy lost his wang in a tractor accident, so they covered all the namin’ bases.

Good God, Harper said, putting her head in her hands.

God didn’t have nothing to do with it. Daddy were reading Little RockMeat Jerker Monthly, and saw Miss Arkansas full nude. Boy were so overcome at the fact that she had both lips and no club foot that he started to..... well, y’all can guess. They found the bottle of hand cream next to his ass. They did save him, but he fell crotch first into the harvester combine. That ain’t good. Now he reads books about Richard Simmons and wears a negligee while he plows the field. That be a true story.

Sounds about right, Bill nodded.

What in the name of hell does that have to do with Anders? Harper shrieked.

Oh, that. I said we was Andersless. The boy’s wife were named Ruth, and she dee-vorced his ass like Tammy Wynette done in that song where she dumped George Bush.

She was married to George Jones, Harper sighed. Not George Bush.

Yeah, right, now there’s a fake mo-tel name if I ever heard one. Anyhow, Ruth got rid of his ass because the only field he could plow after that was growin’ corn, which made him Ruthless. Get it?

I get it. It really isn’t funny.

Ruth didn’t think so neither, Carla said as she started in on two more burgers. Teenage gal that worked for ‘em at the vegetable stand did, though; Daddy developed a new strain of sweet corn that were fourteen inches long. Corn sales went down fourteen percent after that, and you never seen a girl smile like she did. Went on to do toothpaste commercials. ‘Course they did not play well in Arkansas where the average human only got like four teeth.

That’s right, Bill nodded.

Would you please excuse me while I go outside and shoot myself? Harper said.

What y’all think, Bubba? Carla grinned.

Okay, but do it across the street so it don’t involve me, Bill said.

Go for it, Shifty. I will put you in for lost time, Carla shrugged as she grabbed another burger.

How many of those things can you eat? Harper exclaimed.

How many we got? Carla said. We got to leave a bag for Bill. Let’s hit Salerno’s.

Salerno’s Italian Restaurant

Barnum Avenue

Stratford, Connecticut

October, 2005

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Yo, I’m like Dino Salerno, the waiter smiled. Youse is Carla, right? Is it hot in here, or is it you?

Menus, Dago, Harper smiled as she opened her jacket, exposing her Colt Python. Or we’ll have a look around in here.

Yo, like this is an honest business, Dino said. All we do is serve good food. Youse hungry?

She is, Harper said, pointing at Carla. She was born hungry. She just ate twelve hamburgers.

Fourteen, Carla huffed. Get your facts straight. And that just made me more hungry. I would like me some extra large Eye-talian sausage, she grinned at Dino. Y’all got that here?

I can’t go to the cop side of town, Dino said. Carole would shoot me, you know what I’m saying?

I won’t tell her old spinster ass if you won’t, Carla said. Last sausage Carole had was in a grinder. I’m a good grinder. Y’all want a demonstration? Panties is optional.

Youse is makin’ my job harder than it should be. I’m related to Vito, too. That ain’t good.

I can make more than your job hard, Carla grinned. Wanna do a Carlathon?

Just order some food, Miss Piggy, Harper sighed. Stop torturing this poor bastard.

Lasagna, Chicken Parm, and two pizzas, Carla said. We will discuss your virginity later.

What you gonna have, Cutie? Dino smiled at Harper.

Dead waiter on a hard roll, Harper said. I’ll have salad, a calzone, and  Ziti and meatballs. Not your meatballs either. I’m not some cheap slut like Carla.

She be right, Carla nodded. She charges more than I do. Volume at a low price wins. That be me.

Are you ever going to stop selling yourself to the highest bidder?