First Class Cocktails with Flight Attendant Joe

By Joe Thomas

First Class Cocktails with Flight Attendant Joe is a collection of all-new short stories, and each is accompanied by a delicious cocktail recipe. Author Joe Thomas is back with his fourth book of flight attendant stories, but this one comes with a boozy twist. Joe provides his readers with a first-class storytelling experience, from flight attendants misbehaving to celebrity sightings and beautiful island layovers to drunken passengers. Nothing says first-class more than fancy cocktails and entertaining stories.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Thomas
• Release date: Nov 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781005309534

Joe Thomas

Joe Thomas is an author, podcaster, and creator of the barely successful blog, Flight Attendant Joe. Joe Thomas resides in Colorado with his husband Matt and his two amazing and loving cats, Tucker and Harvey.

Book preview

Also by Joe Thomas

Fasten Your Seat Belts

And Eat Your Fucking Nuts

Flight Attendant Joe

I’m Just Here For The Layovers

This book is dedicated to the people who lost their lives to COVID-19.

There are jokes and tales within these pages that may offend the easily offended.

Please Drink Responsibly.

List of Cocktails and Tales

Also by Joe Thomas

The First Class Lounge

If I Can Make Simple Syrups, You can too.

Small-batch Infused Spirits

Chapter 1: Vesper Martini + Confusion in First Class

Chapter 2: Lavender Honey Whiskey Sour + Forever Delayed

Chapter 3: Lemonade Lavender Gin Fizz + Basic Elevator

Chapter 4: Chocolate Orange Martini + Be Kind To Your Crew

Chapter 5: Red or White Sangria + K is for Karen

Chapter 6: Watermelon Basil Vodka + Don’t Joke In The Airport

Chapter 7: Amaretto Sour + Brief Friendships

Chapter 8: Grasshopper + Flight Attendants Behaving Badly

Chapter 9: Whipped Pineapple Cream + A Three Hour Crush

Chapter 10: Birthday Cake Martini + Hong’s Nail Salon

Chapter 11: Bloody Mary + Ruth’s UTI

Chapter 12: Dirty Shirley Temple + Early Morning Flight with Shirley

Chapter 13: Chocolate Banana Nut Martini + He’s A Christian

Chapter 14: Peppermint Patty Martini + Mind Your F*cking Business

Chapter 15: Dirty Pickle Martini + Human Resources, We Have A Problem

Chapter 16: Coconut Almond Rumtini + Island Fun in San Juan

Chapter 17: Juniper Berry/Rosemary Gin & Tonic + Mr. Austin Goes To Jail

Chapter 18 Peanut Butter & Jelly Martini + Cookie Monster Flight Attendant

Chapter 19: Hazelnut Mocha Martini + The Miami Red Eye

Chapter 20: Blueberry Lemon Drop + Mind The Gap

Chapter 21: Hibiscus Margarita + Stuck Between Tony & Misty

Chapter 22: Pomegranate Cosmopolitan + Scared Asian Lady

Chapter 23: Brandy Sour + Held Hostage In The Galley

Chapter 24: The Dana Jalapeño Mango Mule

Chapter 25: White Chocolate Raspberry Martini + Another Year, Another Recurrent

Chapter 26: Orange Creamsicle + The Lyft Ride From Hell

Chapter 27: Raspberry Rosemary Prosecco + Snack Santa

Chapter 28: Orange Whiskey Sour + Is Situational Awareness Dead?

Chapter 29: Classic Manhattan + Mr. Sutherland, I Presume

Chapter 30: Strawberry Tequila Splash + Turbulence Happens

Acknowledgments

Endnotes

The First Class Lounge

This may not be the smartest way to start, but I’ll risk it—I had no plans on writing this book. None. The creation of this book was an unexpected surprise. I am not a mixologist. I have never been a bartender. I believe the most bartending I’ve done was handing a passenger two vodka minis, a cup of ice, and a can of spicy tomato juice. Before I started this project, I couldn’t decipher between top-shelf spirits and ghosts who haunt mansions. Hell, after sixteen years of being married to my husband, I’m just now getting the hang of making coffee with a French press.

That all changed when the COVID-19 pandemic hit.

During the initial lockdown, I was on a five-month leave of absence from flying. It was fantastic. The idea of being a flight attendant, but not having to serve nuts to the traveling public excited me. I had no idea my leave would be temporary. A few weeks into my break from flying, I found myself applying for the early retirement package and bidding farewell to my life as a flight attendant.

Like everyone else on the planet, my husband and I spent months sitting at home trying not to kill each other. While Matt sharpened his skills baking sourdough bread and fermenting everything from pickles to kombucha, I sat around eating all the food he prepared. I’m not complaining; someone had to eat it. But I quickly became bored. Without the distraction of flying and no writing projects on the horizon, I welcomed being lazy.

But I always found time to enjoy happy hour. At the beginning of the pandemic, our happy hours went from a casual event on a Friday night to a nightly ritual. Somehow, I became the bartender.

Let me make a confession before I continue: Even though I knew nothing about mixing cocktails before I began working on this book, I’d always dreamt of being a bartender. Way back in my past, the desire to be a bartender floated around inside my brain. I assumed with my personality, biting wit, and charm, I’d make an excellent bartender. I’d even enjoy listening to other people’s problems while collecting tips.

But the Universe had many different plans for me, and becoming a bartender was not one of them.

While sitting at home staring at my husband and our cats for months on end, it was fun scratching my bartender itch and preparing drinks. I felt like a mad scientist. While I channeled my inner Tom Cruise in Cocktail, Matt was my handsome taste tester. I learned when to use a Boston shaker instead of stirring a drink in a mixing glass. The reason to chill a martini glass before pouring in the liquid masterpiece. The importance of using a jigger to measure out the amount of alcohol per drink. And so on. I enjoyed creating fancy cocktails for Matt, and one night he tossed out an unexpected idea, You should write a cocktail book.

I assumed this was an attempt at him being funny and didn’t take his suggestion seriously. Me? Write a cocktail book? Have you gone bloody mad? Sure, I’ve drunk a lot in my life, but to write a cocktail book. Was that even possible?

The next day, I posted a few photos of the cocktails I had created on social media. Dana, a co-worker and friend of mine wrote me a message: You should write a cocktail book.

Two people in two days were suggesting I write a cocktail book. Could I? Or better yet, should I? After a few days soaking in the idea like a drunken olive, I thought if a reality television star can become president, why the hell can’t I write a cocktail book?

And now you have that book in your hands.

All names, destinations, dates, airline bases, and other identifying information have been removed to ensure privacy for those involved.

As you read this book, infusing spirits and blending them together with mixers, you may find yourself wanting to add a little more liquor to one drink and less to another—my suggestion is to have a blast. Have fun as you work through the pages of this book while making these drinks. The rules for creating tasty cocktails are fun, flexible, and limitless.

My intention is for you, the reader, to grab a cozy blanket, find a comfortable spot, make one of these fancy cocktails, and then curl up with a fun short story.

Welcome to my First Class Lounge.

If I Can Make Simple Syrups, You Can Too.

Simple Syrup

Ingredients:

> 1 cup cane sugar

> 1 cup filtered water

Directions:

1. Bring 1 cup of filtered water to a slight boil and lower the heat.

2. Stir in sugar and continue stirring until it dissolves.

3. Set aside to cool. Transfer from the pan into a bottle and store it in the refrigerator for up to 6-8 weeks.

Hibiscus Simple Syrup

Used in the Hibiscus Margarita (Chapter 21)

Ingredients:

> 1 cup cane sugar

> 1 /2 cup dried hibiscus flowers

> 2 cups filtered water

Directions:

1. Bring 1 cup of filtered water and hibiscus flowers to a boil in a small saucepan. Set aside and let the tea steep for 2 hours.

2. Strain the tea into another container and discard flowers.

3. Return the tea to the saucepan and add 1 cup of filtered water. Bring to a slight boil and lower the heat.

4. Stir in the sugar and continue stirring until it dissolves with the hibiscus tea.

5. Set aside to cool. Transfer from the pan into a bottle and store it in the refrigerator for up to 6-8 weeks.

Juniper Berry & Rosemary Syrup

Used in Juniper Berry & Rosemary Gin & Tonic

Ingredients:

> 1 cup cane sugar

> 1 cup filtered water

> 1 tablespoon juniper berries

> 4 rosemary sprigs

Directions:

1. Bring 1 cup of filtered water to a slight boil and lower the heat.

2. Stir in sugar and continue stirring until it dissolves.

3. Once sugar is dissolved, add rosemary twigs and juniper berries and remove from heat.

4. Set aside for 2-3 hours to allow flavors to infuse. Transfer from the pan into a bottle and store in the refrigerator for up to 6-8 weeks.

Small-batch Infused Spirits

Jalapeño Infused Vodka

Used in The Dana Jalapeño Mango Mule (Chapter 24)

Ingredients:

> 1 jalapeño pepper, seeds removed and sliced

> 2 cups of vodka

Directions:

1. Combine sliced jalapeño pepper with vodka in a mason jar. Add the seeds if you want to give the vodka an extra kick. Secure tightly and set aside for 24-48 hours. The longer you let it steep, the better the flavor.

2. Strain out the jalapeño peppers and seeds (if you used them). Store in the freezer.

Note: I keep my small-batch vodkas and gins in the freezer. Vodka and gin cocktails are better served chilled, and because alcohol won’t freeze, I find this method the best. You can always store them at room temperature, but remember to place the spirit into the freezer an hour before serving cocktails.

Walnut Infused Vodka

Used in the Chocolate Banana Nut Martini (Chapter 13)

Ingredients:

> 1 cup walnuts

> 2 cups of vodka

Directions:

1. Toast walnuts in a dry skillet over medium heat until they start to brown and you can smell them. (If you can’t smell them, then you might have COVID-19. I recommend getting tested immediately.) Allow to cool.

2. Combine toasted walnuts with vodka in a mason jar and infuse at room temperature for at least 7 days.

3. Strain the vodka into a glass jar and store in the freezer. You’ll have a rich brown-colored vodka that’s ready to use and some boozy walnuts to snack on.

Lavender Infused Gin

Used in the Lemonade Lavender Gin Fizz (Chapter 3)

Ingredients:

> 1/2 cup food-grade dried lavender flowers

> 1 cup dry gin

Directions:

1. Combine lavender flowers with gin in a mason jar.

2. Allow to infuse at room temperature for at least 2-3 days.

3. Strain lavender leaves from gin and discard. Pour the lavender gin into a glass jar and store in the freezer.

Note: Use a gin that is not already infused with intense flavors. For example, while good for