Suburban Luchador: The Cul-de-sac Chronicles

By Philip Rivera

His minivan is his chariot. His mower is his weapon. Enter the whimsical world of suburbia's favorite underdog.

 Meet the average Joe who's a father to three, a husband to one... a hero to all. When he's not fighting crime in his fighter-jet-cloaked-as-a-minivan, he teaches high school and patrols the 'hood for story material.

In Suburban Luchador: The Cul-de-sac Chronicles, an ordinary guy conjures up extraordinary tales about his family, marriage, and teacher job. He's the man who's making mortgages, meatloaf, and the middle-class sexy again.

This is the anthem of those who envision mowing and mopping as legendary movie scenes. These comically self-deprecating short stories will inspire you to take a fresh look at the wondrous, valiant and touching moments in everyday life.

Dive into Suburban Luchador: The Cul-de-sac Chronicles and ride shotgun on a domestic road trip of epic proportions.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Philip Rivera
• Release date: Nov 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393826583

Philip Rivera

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Book preview

Suburban Luchador

The Cul-de-sac Chronicles

Philip Rivera

Join the Lucha!

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Suburban Luchador: The Cul-de-sac Chronicles Copyright © 2019 by Philip Rivera. All Rights Reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review. Unless you have a peg leg and eye patch, please don’t participate in piracy. Just ask, and I’ll probably say yes.

This book is a work of semi-fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either real or a combination of real with a touch of Luchador-imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is probably true, unless it isn’t.  

Previously published under the title Suburban Luchador: Memoirs from Suburbia.

Cover designed by

Rob Williams - Fiverr.com/ca5086

ISBN-97 986-2-3795762

Contents

Join the Lucha!

Introduction

Ringside Parenting

Roadside Temporal Anomaly

Rhino vs. La Caca

Potty Training Economics

DadVenture

Lessons from the Jacuzzi

Blue Dragons

Big Gulp

A Dad’s Guide to Labor

Disney Magic

The Lucha Life

The End of Innocence

Top Ten Reasons We’re Late for Church

The Junkyard

Motorcycle Gangs

The Intruder

Barbecue and Betrayal

The Jolly Roger

Confessions of a Dance Floor Diva

Dialogues with My Luchadora

Power Ballad

Analogies

Wife, Mother, Stealth Warrior

Breaking Water Prank

Gravitron

La Escuela del Luchador

Prom Predicament

Soft Hands

Pencil Drop

The Weeknd

Major Payne

Major Payne 2: More Payne

Afterthoughts

Endnotes

About the Author

Introduction

The sun reflected off the brave knight’s form-fitting armor; he was covered from feet to chest in a brilliant metallic suit that showed off his two to three hours a week of living room workouts. An electric blue luchador mask wrapped tightly around his head, accenting his fierce eyes and flashing smile and shrouding the rest of his face. He hailed from a long line of valiant luchadors, Mexican wrestlers known for their flamboyant outfits and death-defying attack moves against their opponents. Heroes like Nacho Libre, El Santo, La Pulga Mortal, and El Macho.

A colossal dragon covered the sky, with burning yellow eyes and green scales on its snake-like body, which gleamed in the sun. The beast bared its teeth at the knight and released an earth-shaking roar.

"Release the Princesa, or face my wrath!" The knight brandished his sword and thrust it toward the gargantuan beast. Behind the dragon, in an oversized birdcage, sat an attractive Puerto Rican princess with long black hair, who casually scrolled through her phone.

The dragon sucked in a whirlwind and shot a fireball at the knight. The limber hero rolled to the left, barely missing a rump roast. He regained his footing and charged, the tip of his sword glinting in the sunlight. As he swung his sword back for the deathblow, the clouds parted.

PAPI! I need to tell you something!

The knight and the dragon hesitated, stared up at the clouds, then each other in confusion. The Princesa, wearing a fitted southern belle dress and pointed pink princess hat, looked up from her phone, bewildered. Refocusing, the knight again reached back with a grunt and—

PAAAPI! I need to tell you something! echoed the clouds as they started to dissolve into the background. Everything else faded too. As the Princesa held up her phone to get a signal, she evaporated.

I cracked open one eye, and before me stood my cherub-faced five-year-old, wide-eyed and eager to tell me something. I rolled over to see my wife and Princesa, Yarei, sound asleep and drooling on her pillow. Instead of a sexy southern belle dress, she sported an oversized But First... Coffee shirt, sweat pants and disheveled hair.

Looking at the clock, it was 6:30 AM on a Saturday.

Papi, I need you to make me a paper airplane, he stated with the urgency of a pint-sized CEO.

A wha…? I rubbed the fog out of my eyes and felt for my sword, fearing this was some type of evil sorcery from the dragon.

The sword had transformed into a fluffy body pillow embraced by la Princesa.

I got up and groggily padded to the living room to allow Sleeping Belleza to continue her slumber. My three-year-old was also waiting with some news of her own.

"Papi, there’s a cucaracha under the table. I think it’s dead. You need to pick it up with the hand vacuum." One hand rested on her hip, the other pointed at an odd-looking contraption.

My sword had returned to me in the form of a strange air-sucking machine. I looked it up and down, observing the odd markings, buttons and see-through chamber.

And don’t forget your luchador mask, Papi! the small one instructed as she dug through the dirty laundry and pulled out a blue mask.

I was now complete. With my mask on my face and sword in my grip, I tiptoed to the table of darkness where I would meet my fate. Beneath it was a cockroach the size of my thumb lying on its back, twitching one of its legs.

Stand back, children. This could get ugly. I activated the magical reverse-whirlwind feature in my sword as the children cowered behind my legs.

I jabbed a deathblow at the evil creature, and in one sudden motion it disappeared and crashed into its eternal holding chamber. The children squealed with a mixture of delight and horror.

YAAY! they yelled and raised their hands in celebration. Exhausted by the sudden surge of combat adrenaline and only three hours of sleep thanks to my one-year-old, I retreated back to my lair of heroes.

Papi, wait! We still need to do the Princess, Planes and Dragons Fight! I looked in the living room, and lined up in battle formation was a Tropical Fun Barbie, a half-made paper airplane and a plastic, three-horned chameleon. Sleep would have to wait for this knight as the drums of war beat on the distant Saturday morning horizon.

Thus began a typical suburban weekend, and so begins this compilation of tales loosely based on the misadventures of an everyday man. My hope is that my stories highlight the wonder and humor that exists in the world that God created around us, if we choose to see it.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where wonder has been demystified. Dragons and castles are reduced from larger-than-life creations to images on a screen or toys to be put away. Minivans and riding lawn mowers become boring tools of everyday suburban life instead of action vehicles featured on the yet-to-be-made The Fast and The Furious: Suburbia Drift. However, I propose that deep inside us are storytellers that long to bring that adventure and imagination back into our 9-5, minivans-and-mortgages world. I believe God planted in each of us a unique perspective that belongs only to us, and ultimately exists to display His creativity.

Much like a map, our stories are marked by