The Chug & Kiss

By Brian Tuesday

and you think your sex life sucked...

step into the life of Brian Tuesday.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 12, 2012
• ISBN: 9781300010067

Book preview

The Chug & Kiss

The Chug and Kiss

By Brian Tuesday

Table of Contents

A Sad, Sad Tale

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part I

Top 20 Classic Lecture Hall Students

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part II

Not Gonna Happen

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part III

National Campoon

Top 15 Most Classic Bar Patrons

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part IV

True Stories of Embarrassment

Life’s Simple Pleasures

Must Suck to be a Virgin…Until Now

Girls Have it Easy

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part V

Cheers to College

A Sad, Sad Tale

Brian Tuesday here. I was drawing a complete blank when thinking of a topic to write about to open this book. Then, it hit me – prom. Yes, I went to prom. Yes, I had a date. No, I did not get drunk (I didn’t drink until the second week of my freshman year at college). However, the ordeal I had to go through to get a date was horrific. My ego still has not recovered. The following story is 100% true. Read and enjoy.

It was September of 2004, and I was a senior at G.W. Hewlett High School. Back then, I wasn’t the sexy piece of amazing that I am today – I was a disgusting piece of worm-ridden shit. I couldn’t grow facial hair (it finally happened in 2006. No joke), I couldn’t grow armpit hair in one armpit, and worst of all, girls intimidated the living fuck out of me. It’s true - we all have living fuck inside of us, but girls managed to scare my living fuck away somewhere. I feel that I live a handicapped life because I am without living fuck.

I completely lost track of what I was talking about. Oh right - prom. During the summer, I knew that I needed to find a date early or I would be screwed. Luckily, I managed to befriend a girl that I’ll call Uno over the summer. Uno was friends with my friends, and I went bowling with her a couple of times. About 10 days into the school year, I asked Uno to be my prom date, but we would go as friends. The friend thing really made my offer easy and non-threatening, so she accepted. I was saved. Over the passing weeks, all of her friends kept saying that she wanted me to be her boyfriend - real high school shit. She couldn’t tell me to my face, and I didn’t want to do it because I knew that if we broke up, I had no date for prom. However, her friends kept telling me that she wanted me to ask her out, so I eventually did. I bumped into Uno in a hallway after school, and I made some joke. We were laughing, but I stopped laughing in an instant, got all serious, and went, Will you go out with me? Uno was freaked out, but could you blame her? I asked her out like I was proposing marriage.

Our relationship lasted 6 days. During 5 of those days, Uno was out of town on some trip. When she got back, she immediately dumped me. I was flabbergasted. She was the one who wanted to be asked out, yet she dumps me? What the hell was going on? Uno kept insisting that it was because she was busy with school and college plans, but I wasn't buying it. After days of grilling her, she finally confessed: I wasn’t dangerous enough. Uno said that I didn’t live life on the edge or some shit. According to Uno, most 17-year olds surf in shark-infested waters and wipe their ass with barbed wire. Since I wasn’t Uno’s daredevil type, I promptly told her to go fuck herself and I have never spoken to her again.

Back to September of 2004. With Uno gone, I was in a state of utter panic. I asked my good friend Harris for help, and the fantastic young man knew of someone. He went to camp with a girl that I will name Dos. I was given Dos’ screen name and we chatted for a long time. I liked Dos a lot and she sent me a picture of herself. She looked great, but in truth, I wouldn’t care if she had a Hobbit’s foot for a head – I just wanted a date. She lived in another town, but was very excited for my prom. I was saved. We will now push the calendar forward to a fateful day in March of 2005, when I get an IM from Dos. She couldn’t be my prom date anymore. Dos was going to be a counselor at her camp for the up-coming summer, and counselors had to arrive weeks in advance. Prom was in late June, so she wouldn’t be around. Although I was sympathetic online, I nearly tore my room apart. However, I was skinny and weak, so I collapsed within seconds, exhausted and near death.

The following months were dark times. I couldn’t ask any girl in my school to the prom because my school didn’t work like that. It was heresy to ask out someone from a different social group, and besides, every girl already had a date. I actually sat in the library with a sign that read, Need a Date to the Prom. The only response I got was Aww… from one girl out of the hundreds that saw my sign. Late May came and I gave up. I was in the public library one afternoon with my friend DeSiena, working on our final Economics project. He happened to notice a girl that he knew from another school. DeSiena asked her if she had any available friends to go to the prom with me. In fact, she did. I will name that girl Tres. I was saved. DeSiena’s friend arranged a rendezvous immediately, and I met Tres that afternoon.

Holy shit.

Without a doubt in my mind, and keep in mind that I have been to Spring Break Daytona and Cancun, Tres was the biggest slut I had ever met. So much that it turned me OFF! ME! THE KID WHO WATCHES PORN TO PUT HIMSELF TO SLEEP!!! DeSiena was with me since he needed to introduce us to each other. Tres basically ignored me and tried to make out with DeSiena right in front of me. He resisted since he had a girlfriend, but Tres kept coming. The girl had no shame. I was so disgusted by her, that when she asked me for a hug, I refused. I’m no prude either, my friends. That is how slutty this girl was. During our meeting, she went inside for a moment. Her friend stopped by and we started talking.

Her friend, who I will name Cuatro, was nothing in the looks department, but she was very easy to get along with. I couldn’t talk to Tres – she was just a horrible specimen of skank. When Cuatro left, Tres, DeSiena, and I went to her neighbor’s house for some reason. Her neighbor and his friends were watching a movie. As I was watching, I noticed Tres still trying to make out with DeSiena! The people in the room were shaking their heads like, Holy shit, you fucking whore. Show some restraint. DeSiena ducked under a Ping-Pong table to escape, but Tres crawled after him. I couldn’t believe that I was going to prom with such a whore. Unfortunately, Tres’ part in this story is just beginning.

The next day at school, every guy knew that I was going to prom with Tres. I was amazed how fast the gossip spread, especially since Tres didn’t even attend my school! Groups of guys who I never even talked to before were patting me on the back, saying, Tuesday, you’re going to prom with Tres? Way to go, man! Have fun! She’s an animal! Jesus H. Christ! The girl fucked every guy in my school! There I was - a kid who had never even kissed a girl before, suddenly going to prom with a cum receptacle! I was in over my head, but I decided to ride it out.

Since prom was only a month away, my school began asking for Driver License photocopies of anyone who was attending prom but didn’t go to our school. I called up Tres, and her mom always gave me this intense questioning about who I was and where I lived. I should have retorted with, Maybe you should worry more about your daughter and her gaping vagina. It fascinates me because the woman honestly had no idea that her daughter was the biggest slut on Long Island.

Tres kept delaying the photocopy, and I knew what was coming. I called her like 4 times, and each time she was like, Are you Jewish? My mom doesn’t want me going to prom with someone who isn’t Jewish. First of all, her mom is a horrible person for saying that, and secondly, Tres is an idiot for thinking someone named Tuesday is not Jewish. Some days later, Tres told DeSiena that she was mad at me because I called her a slut to a bunch of people – WHICH NEVER HAPPENED! Tres was trying to find a reason to not go to the prom with me! It eventually dawned on me that Tres’ idiot mom never said the Jewish thing – it was another attempt for her to back out! I told my dad that I was about to be dateless yet again. As I dialed up Tres for the fifth time, my dad watched. She picked up, I told her again that I needed her photocopy, and then it came: Listen, Jordan is one of my really good friends…

Let me explain. My friend Jordan broke up with his girlfriend one week prior and was now dateless. Tres was friends with Jordan.

I feel bad that he has no date, Tres explained. And he’s already my date for my school’s prom. So, I think I should go with him.

So what the hell am I going to do now, you filthy dicksucker? I said, minus the filthy dicksucker part. My dad heard me say that, realized that I was just dumped, and screamed out, WHY DO ALL GIRLS DO THIS TO YOU? That didn’t make me feel any better.

Don’t worry! Tres said, trying to calm me down. Remember Cuatro? The girl you talked to?

Yeah.

She’ll go to the prom with you. I’ll just ask her. She’ll say yes – don’t worry. I was saved.

It was early June, about a week after Tres dumped me. I was eating lunch with my friend Jordan and Skinny. The entire time, Jordan and Skinny were making these nervous faces. What is it? I asked.

Matt, Skinny smirked. You know those times when you have to say something, but you don’t want to, but you have to anyway?

What the FUCK are you talking about?

Cuatro can’t go to the prom with you.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I slammed my fist on the table. WHY THE FUCK NOT?

She has a family reunion. Family reunion, my ass! Cuatro was lying! This girl was not a good-looking girl either, and she’s pulling the family reunion excuse! I couldn’t believe it! Four girls rejected me! Tres didn’t even bother telling me either! She made Jordan and Skinny do it! It still pisses me off! Am I that hideous, dear reader (don’t use the picture on the site for reference)?

Don’t worry, Skinny said. There is this girl that goes to my temple, and I already told her about you. She’s all set to go to the prom.

Bullshit! I responded. Why should I believe you? Skinny assured me that the girl, Cinco, was cute, cool, and had no criminal background. Cinco went to school in Riverside, a town about 15 minutes away. I was definitely going with Cinco, and I wanted to meet her before prom, so we decided to hang out one night. Well, I was so frightened, not to mention a wreck from the Uno, Dos, Tres, and Cuatro ordeals, that I asked my friend David to go with me. Can you believe how sad that is? I’m meeting a girl and I bring my friend? I am amazed at how much of a loser I was. Cinco turned out to be a great girl - she gave me her photocopied ID quickly, was looking forward to the prom, and her house was near a park. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I like parks. I went to the prom with her and had a great time. Cinco and I still talk online to this day.

So, what happened with the other girls? Dos and Cuatro are no longer a part of this story. Uno ended up going to prom with a gay kid, and I laughed very hard. As for Tres…well, that is a funny story. During her prom, she danced – or dry humped – with another guy, leaving poor Jordan sitting at a table with total strangers. Eventually, Tres just left the prom with that guy and fucked him in a motel somewhere, utterly ditching Jordan. Now he was alone at another school’s prom. His date didn’t even say goodbye to him. Luckily, Tres’ friends were disgusted by her actions and kept Jordan company for the rest of the night. The next day, Jordan immediately dumped Tres and ended up going to prom with a babe. That summer, Tres contracted an STD after she fucked some scumbag on a cruise.

I find this to be among the best of my stories because it has it all: heartbreak, humor, a happy ending, and everyone who deserved comeuppance got their comeuppance. Comeuppance is a really fun word to say, isn’t it? Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Don’t worry - I’m a well-adjusted individual today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some porn to watch.

Priceless Moments in Hookup History Part I

After college comes to a close, one is left with memories and accomplishments that will last them a lifetime.

Memories ranging from the night you drank until you passed out and woke up wondering where the hell you were and how you got there, or the time where you overslept for a test, woke up and realized it, only to roll over and drop the class. Or the accomplishments of getting a 3.9 that one semester, or acing that test you stayed up all night for.

But let’s be serious, nothing even comes close to a night where you hook up.

Any guy can agree that any night can be a good night, but it’s really a great night when you end up hooking up with a girl.

Of course there are many type of great hook ups, but the kind of hookup one fantasizes about and remembers for the rest of their life is one that involves a totally random girl, no effort required, leaves him happy to get a nut, is porn star style, and is up there with the best experiences of your life.

It is no secret that every guy wishes to be in a situation like this at some point in their life. These are the do you remember that time, or the did I ever tell you stories that truly leave you proud.

Although they do leave you feeling good, the grades or drunken times are not what truly make you proud. It truly is one of these style hook ups that leave a man feeling like he accomplished something, allowing a man to truly be proud, and pat himself on the back.

Over four years of college, like most groups of friends, hook ups for my friends and me came and went. However, some were far more glorious that others, fulfilling such a man’s fantasy to have one of these unbelievable, porn-star style hookups.

Call it lucky; call it the right place at the right time. I call it Great Moments in Hook up History.

One of my personal favorite moments lands on one of the nights college students look forward to for months on end, Halloween. My friends and I, like most undergrads, were excited for a night of celebration, including heavy drinking, and classic costumes. However, come 8 p.m. that night, my friends and I were stuck with nothing to wear. Getting desperate, my two friends and I left for the mall, hoping to get lucky and find a costume at the last minute.

Once we get there, we headed straight to Spencer’s, which is typically loaded with Halloween crap. Unfortunately for us being so last minute, options were limited as hell, so we grabbed what ever was left.

That left us with the seemingly unpopular nun costumes labeled Nun Better. We weren’t too excited as it wasn’t our first choice, but who were we to complain..

So we head out to a frat party. There were girls everywhere who love Halloween, since it gives them an excuse to look slutty and not feel bad about it. I mean, I’ve never seen more slutty angels or naughty devils in my life. Although these girls looked beautiful, it seemed that everyone thought the nuns were the greatest costume ever, and immediately we were the life of the party with random kids asking us to be in pictures with them. Truly a great night in the making.

One of us nuns, however, had no clue how good of a night they were about to have.

As we continue our quest towards being wasted, a girl dressed as a schoolgirl approaches us and looks at my friend. Without saying hi, or what’s up, she looks at him and asks, Do you need head? In disbelief he replies, WHAT?!?!?! Without even hesitating, she repeats, do you need head? And like any man would say, he said yes. So she immediately grabbed his hand and led him away, finding their way to the top of the stairwell. It was here where she pulled out his dick, and gave him head like it was her job.

Here’s my friend (who happens to be Jewish), getting head at the middle of a party, dressed in a holy nun costume. This truly was an unbelievable moment that he will remember forever.

After a self-proclaimed 15 minutes of getting head (although you and I all know it was 19 seconds) he was spent, and she finished off this dream sequence by swallowing. From there she wiped her lip, and walked back into the party vanishing like a fart in the wind.

What a memory.

Once he first told us, we all had our reservations on the truth behind the story. It just seemed too unbelievable to be true. I mean what are the odds? Maybe if he had some proof, we would believe him 50 percent. But he had nothing of the sort, so the debate on whether this actually happened or not began.

A few weeks later however, our school published its weekly magazine, which has a section where students can write personals, and say basically anything they want, with no restrictions.

This was where he finally got the proof he so much desired. Right there in print it read: To the nun I blew at the Frat party on Halloween, I hope we can do it again sometime.

Our group of friends was in disbelief. The story was true. He was an instant celebrity with us. My friend just had the luckiest and most random hook up of his life, leaving him with a proud smile on his face, and a story to tell for years to come.

Top 20 Classic Lecture Hall Students

You’ve all seen them. They exist in every college, every university, and in every lecture hall. Hell, you might even be one of them. They are the classic college lecture hall students. You can’t avoid them, they are everywhere. And finally, Johnny Red is going to tell you all about them. So here they are, in no particular order, the 20 most classic lecture hall students.

The Foreigner

Even though this guy speaks worse English than Helen Keller, he decided to travel across the country to come to an American school. How this guy manages to do the reading, let alone understand the material enough to pass it boggles my mind more than why guys like fat chicks. The only logical explanation is he’s either paying off or nailing the professor. Either way, I hope this immigrant is prepared to get his bullshit degree shoved up his ass in the real world, where contrary to what his homeland may believe, being able to speak English is quite important over here.

That Guy Who Won’t Stop Talking

No matter how many shhhh’s, how many awkward glances, or how many dirty looks the teacher gives this guy, he won’t shut the fuck up. Whatever he has to say is just so important it just cannot wait the extra hour until class is over. As if he is totally oblivious to the people around him, this kid has to shoot the shit with his friend about that sorority chick he nailed over the weekend or about the weed he bought that was ‘the best shit ever,’ but in all actuality he probably overpaid for. That type of stuff is of the utmost importance after all, I mean waiting until after class? Now that’s just being ridiculous. I apologize in advance if my shhhh’s interrupt your vital banter.

The Old Lady

Right smack dab in the middle of their mid life crisis, these people realized they were uneducated morons and were going nowhere in life without a degree. So in a last ditch effort to make something out of their pathetic existence they call a life, these people try to jump right back into the college scene in hopes of adding an education to their piss-poor life experience, and hopefully bettering themselves and their future. Well I have news for you my geriatric friend; you’re wasting your time and money, because the grim reaper is knocking on your door, and you’ll be dead before you do anything with that degree.

That Guy Whose Cell Phone Goes Off

How many times does a person have to piss on the toilet seat before he realizes he has to put it up? You would think this same theory would apply to these people and their phones, but noooooo, no matter how many times they hear someone else’s phone go off, or how many times their own phone goes off, these morons manage to forget to turn their’s off. They’re probably the same guy whose phone goes off in a movie theater even though the theater practically turns your phone off for you with all their warnings. And then they act surprised and rifle through their stuff trying to find their phone before the second ring, which never happens. The only good thing about this guy is that after his phone goes off, every person in the room immediately reaches for their phone in unison to make sure their’s is on vibrate. Way to take a bullet by having your phone go off. We owe you.

That Guy Who Just Sits There

You will typically find this guy in the back corner. Every class this kid just sits there. He doesn’t talk to anyone, and he doesn’t take any notes. Literally, he just sits there, oozing a gigantic ‘fuck class’ attitude. He’s obviously at school on mommy and daddy’s tab because Lord knows no one is stupid enough to flush their own money down the toilet like that, because we all know he’s failing with flying colors. Unfortunately for him, after one semester he’s going to be That Guy who failed out and That Guy whose parents beat his ass for wasting their money.

That Guy with the Laptop

This guy can be divided into two categories. The first is that guy that actually types the class notes on the laptop. This man thinks he is clever, and that everyone is jealous because he has a laptop and doesn’t have to reduce himself to the level of the peons writing notes. Well, I’m sorry to tell you buddy, you are pathetic, no one envies you, and in fact we all pity you, nerd. The other guy with the laptop is the one who plays solitaire the whole class. Now this guy is truly envied. He leaves everyone saying, Damn, I wish I had a laptop. However, he thinks he is pulling one over on the professor, when in all actuality the professor is pulling one over on you, as he sees you aren’t typing a damn thing, and as a result he is running a train on your grade.

That Girl Whose Thong Is Always Hanging Out

This is the girl every guy in the place fights to sit behind. Forget looking at the teacher and the chalkboard for the next hour, you now have a glorious and ample booty to feast your eyes on. And the best part, the odds of this chick turning around are next to none, so unlike the sun, you don’t have to just get a glimpse and then look away quickly, you can stare all damn class. And of course, this G-string greatness will provide you with endless amounts of masturbatory fodder for the days in between the next class. To all you thong-showing hussies out there, we salute you.

That Guy Who Packs His Things Early

This is quite possibly the best man in a lecture hall. Three to five minutes before class is starting to end, he starts to pack up his stuff. And like some unspoken student ESP, as soon as the other students hear the rustling of the papers and the zipping of the bookbags, the rest of the class follows suit. Before the teachers knows what hit him, all the students quit class for the day and are ready to run out the door. Now, seeing that the students are already slyly moving towards the exits, the professor has nothing else to say but and that’s all I have for today, we’ll pick it up next time.

That Guy Who Forces Himself Through The Door As Soon As The Previous Class Is Over

This person loves class so much that they must be the first person through the door to pick out a prime seat, which will more than likely be the seats that are never taken anyways: the front row. Hell, this guy even runs the gauntlet of fighting the tidal wave of students coming out of the door from the previous class to get that seat. But the threat of getting trampled doesn’t matter, because Hell hath no fury like the guy that needs the first pick of seats. Because God Damnit, if the teacher doesn’t see that person in the front row, he’s obviously going to flunk the class and be a failure. So word to the wise, get out of his way.

That Girl You Know You Know From Somewhere

All semester long this girl haunts your memory bank. You aren’t sure where, and you aren’t sure how, but you know damn well you know this girl from somewhere. Was it a previous class? Is she one of your friends’ friends? Did you give her a mustache ride last semester? Inevitably you spend the whole semester racking your brain trying to figure this out on your own because your incessant staring has created an extremely awkward situation where you creeped the Hell out of her, and as a result you can’t ask her how you know her. Unavoidably you fail in figuring out how you know her, and because of spending so much time on this mental labyrinth instead of schoolwork, you damn near fail the class too. Oh well, finishing college in four years is for losers anyways.

That Guy with the Tape Recorder

I’ll be honest, before my freshman year, this crossed my mind. But then I convinced myself this is the most retarded, dorkiest, pussy repellant thing in the world. Do these schmucks think they are being taught by the Micro Machine Man and can’t keep up? It’s not that hard to keep up and take good notes. Certainly, these guys don’t go home at night and listen to the lecture again and take more notes, do they? No way. They can’t. They don’t. No one is that pathetic. Are they?

The Uh, Um Presentation Guy

This person has the communication skills of a gerbil. At this age, they must know that saying uh and um between words makes you sound like a low rate doofus, but for some reason they rattle them off during class presentation like its some kind of speech impediment. They don’t do it during normal conversation, but put them in front of an audience and their communication skills turn into something only Terri Schiavo would be jealous of. Of course, this is also the person where as soon as they sit down, they turn to the person next to them and ask, how’d I do? To which