If I Were Going to Write a Suicide Note, This Is What It Would Look Like

By Novymber Wynter Lux

I really didn’t mean to take things this far. I was getting help and was so close to that breakthrough that I needed. It just couldn’t come fast enough. I do wish I tried harder though. At least, you all will know my story even though I’m gone.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Aug 24, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684708437

Book preview

08/15/2019

Prologue

My original intentions were to never let go, but I couldn’t keep my promise. And I want you to know it isn’t your fault, most likely. I don’t blame anyone. From the pressures at home to the heartaches from people I’ve met along the way, things just built up until I imploded. You could say I took the easy way out or the quitter’s route. But I don’t care. Eventually in this note, I will show you the events that led up to my ending and even some of the emotions, if there were any. And honestly, I don’t care if you understand because you’re not me and now, neither am I. I guess you could say my path diverged after the very first time I dug my nails into my skin but it’s not like any of you were aware of that. You weren’t aware of the razor sliding across my thigh multiple times making the emotional pain physical. You weren’t aware of the moments crying uncontrollably in my boyfriend’s arms. Hell, you weren’t even aware of my mentioning that I needed a counselor. And I can’t blame you for not noticing because my lying skills are so good that even I believed me. I can blame you though for not asking about the constant need for band aids and antiseptic, the binge eating, and the constant traveling to anywhere but my house. But I’m not going to blame you. Instead, I am going to take you on a journey where you can either find where you fit into all of this or deny that you had any part in it at all. Either way, I’m gone and this is your last chance to have any questions answered so I encourage you to read. It may be worth it.

I’m going to do this a bit out of order. It may seem like a rollercoaster of information but personally this is how I feel like I should best get you to see how I think. And if you don’t get it after this I’m not sure how to help you because I’m gone and I’m not coming back.

1

A Boy

T he very first time I noticed my depression was after He left my life. I know, a bit cliché, but I was a teenager. And for his sake, I’m going to call him Xavier. This part of my life would be kind of similar to those romantic stories we see floating around today. You have two people who become best friends. One falls in love with the other. The other is completely unaware. The love-struck one confesses, and they live happily ever after. That sums it up perfectly, right? Sure, if he and I had that story. But we didn’t. I fell in love and Xavier was completely aware of those feelings. We didn’t ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. At this point, I don’t even know where he is and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about me. We didn’t try to date or anything like that. I was never his type. We were just friends, and this is our story:

It was my sophomore year of high school and the very first year at this school. I had noticed he was in several of my classes along with other perspective friends. We just so happened to sit next to each other in my Methods of Scientific Inquiry class and that’s when he spoke to me. The teacher had been going on about the semester long project we would be doing and telling us how grades would work. It was boring, but he distracted me like he would begin to do for the rest of our friendship.

We are best friends now, he said with an extremely genuine smile.

I raised a brow at him. You barely know me.

Well we have some classes together. We will be partners on this project. And I need a best friend.

He spoke so matter-of-factly that I only agreed with him. I guess some of that agreement came from my strong urge to kiss him. Strange, I know. But I won’t deny my wanting to kiss a stranger who proclaimed a friendship that had yet to have been formed. And that wouldn’t be all that he proclaimed. Nor would it be the only time that I blindly followed him but hey I was fifteen and in a new place all alone. I needed to feel that closeness to someone. And that someone quickly became him.

The rest of that class was a blur for me. Xavier talked, I listened. The teacher talked, I didn’t listen. We somehow worked out the details of our project and exchanged numbers beginning our rather short-lived adventure.

Weeks managed to go by and he convinced me that doing a project in which he controlled what happened was completely okay. It wasn’t that I lost all control of my actions and he could dictate things to me and I mindless zombie follow them. No, it was something much simpler. The strings of our friendship were threaded way before we got there and the very first moment he smiled at me, the strings became visible.

The rest of the semester followed a very plain pattern. He and I would hang outside of class either at a meal or at the park behind one of the girl’s dorms. If we weren’t there, we were walking around the axis road enjoying the quiet that only night could bring. It was on these roads that I discovered his crush that managed to survive three years of young adult growth. And it was there that he and I discussed my fling with a boy whose impact will become visible a little later.

It wasn’t until the end of the semester where things changed for us.

I won’t see you anymore.

So not true, I spoke with the confidence that I stole from him that very first day of class.

He gave another heavy sigh. No. I’ll be in different classes and then our friendship will end.

I shook my head at him earning another sigh.

Only way our friendship ends is if we give it up. We can make it work. Just call or text me and I can guarantee, I will be wherever you need me. I promise.

He glanced my way one more time before shaking his head in defeat. I don’t believe you.

And in hindsight, I probably should’ve taken that conversation a bit more serious. He was giving me that early warning that movies give you when something major is going to happen. But again, I was young and barely registering my feelings for him. No, I hadn’t full on blurted out that I liked him or that I even wanted to kiss him, but the feelings were there, and the next semester would only make it worse.

Over break, I barely talked to him, but I did wish him happy birthday. His birthday is twenty-two days before mine and I kind of drilled it into my head that he would be around for my birthday. I just had to make it happen.

So, I did. He was right, though. We had no classes together, so our friendship depended entirely on our attempting to make it work. And all the work came from my end of things, but he never told me no unless he had other plans. But even when other plans were involved, he usually asked me to tag along.

I didn’t have to try all too hard to make my birthday happen. He was more than willing to spend time with me and a couple of other good friends. Because of him, my sixteenth birthday will probably always be my favorite. He gave me a weekend of moments that I will honestly never forget. From watching them roll down a snow-covered hill to pretending like we were doing homework, I had a sweet sixteen that no amount of planning could’ve ever gotten me. Besides, I could never give up the moment where everyone had split ways to change from the wet soggy clothes to meet back up for hot chocolate and a movie. He and I were trudging back a little slower than the rest. The moon seemed to sense my desire to see him better because it gave me a bit more light as he looked at my face. And if I hadn’t already thrown enough clichés at you, here’s another. Time stopped the moment our eyes locked and my want to kiss him only became stronger. It took all my will power to keep my feet planted and my hands away from grabbing his face. I don’t really remember the words that were said but they were meaningless because that exact moment was the first time my feelings became apparent.

I didn’t have some giant epiphany that I