Notes and Commentary to Jock’s Life of Mo

By CF Hibbot

Life of Mo is a musical satire based on the life of the Prophet Mohammed. These explanatory notes, which include the full text of Life of Mo, attempt to determine the sources of the play’s material, and offer further explanatory notes regarding the themes and ideas raised in the play.

Superficially, Life of Mo is a musical fantasy romp, combining stories with re-writes of songs by popular artists like Dolly Parton, Freddy Mercury, Mick Jagger, Billy Joel, Led Zeppelin, Meat Loaf and Jim Steinman and others.

But Life of Mo has a deeper grounding, and its sources include original texts (the Qur’an, ahadith, and Bible), and commentaries by writers like William Muir, Robert Spencer, Ali Dashti and Ali Sina. In addition, the writer has also used Internet sources, like Wikipedia, YouTube and Reddit.

CF Hibbot’s Notes and Commentary to Jock’s Life of Mo traces through the humour and the tragedy to render a deeper appreciation and understanding of the play and the subject matter covered.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Apr 15, 2016
• ISBN: 9781329983823

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Dedication

To free thinkers and enquirers

CF Hibbot’s Preface

Islam encourages us to question. This journey began with a single question: On what did Jock base his text?

Life of Mo has been available on the Internet for some time. Based on the information on the front page of the text, it was originally released in 2012. I first came across it in 2014, and it existed as six .rar files which, when combined, formed a single .pdf file.

At the time, I wished to understand more about Islam. As a result, I read a wide range of sources, including the Qur’an and thousands of the ahadith, several texts, watched dozens of films and documentaries, and had discussions with many Muslims, both on-line and face-to-face.

Life of Mo was merely one of the many sources I found. At first, I was mildly intrigued, assuming that it was all simply fantasy. As I discovered more about Islam, however, I realised that the author had built a great deal of information into the text, or, at least, had based his text on a large amount of freely-accessible information. The problem was that, while there was a tremendous amount that seemed to come from the Qur’an and ahadith, there was also a lot from other sources, including myths and legends and made-up stories: the difficulty for any reader was to separate the various types of information.

I tried to find some explanatory notes on the text, but could not, so I decided to create them myself. These notes are the result. As these explanatory notes would be difficult to follow without direct reference to the text, and the copyright of the original text did not restrict me to quoting passages only, I have followed the copyright guides in the original text, and have reproduced the entire play, placing my notes as end-notes to the original. This would ensure that the context of my notes would be apparent.

As I had only the .pdf version of the original Life of Mo, my first task was to copy-and-paste it into MS-Word, and then to reformat it. Within conventions for book format, as far as possible, I believe that I have re-created the same font, spacing, etc. as the original. (From what I can see, it is Times New Roman, 12 point, and a mixture of single and 1.5 line spacing, right ragged edge, with single spaces after sentence endings. Songs are italicised, and this e-book version’s Table of Contents has been automatically generated.  Endnote numbers to headings have been moved to the next line to prevent the numbers’ being displayed in the Table of Conents. The Table of Contents has been amended to include my material, and the only differences to the main part of the text should be the end note numbers referring to the explanatory notes at the end of the text. (Any other minor changes are noted in the End Notes.) In doing so, I believe I have not breached the copyright restrictions placed on the original text by the author.

As has been known in literary theory for many years, the intention of the author is a slippery fish, and one should refrain from trying to guess that. Where satire is concerned, it is even more difficult. Jock does provide an Author’s Comment, but even that might be part of the text. (I do not know the actual identity of Jock, and, for the purposes of simplicity, I shall assume that the name Jock refers to a single male, and so shall refer to the author/s by the name of Jock or he.)

For my own intention, it is remarkably simple: I merely wish to provide possible and probable sources for the ideas and events described in the text. In some cases, I have reflected on practices today, but this has been done only for further explanation.

I do not know for certain anything about the creation of the original play: my goal is to try to determine the origins of the statements in the play, whether from the Qur’an, the ahadith or other sources, especially Internet sources. Whether or not Jock used those sources correctly, or in or out of context, is something up for debate, but is not something I go into in detail, unless I can see what appears to be an obvious error (e.g. Jock’s placing of Khalid b. Walid in Mohammed’s camp in 624 is an error, as he converted to Islam in only 628). In most cases, I have been able to trace the sources back to the original texts (e.g. original history, hadith or Qur’an¹); in other cases this has not been possible, and sometimes the only sources are web pages or other documents. That is of little consequence, as my aim has been to find sources that would have been available to Jock. With this in mind, I have almost exclusively restricted myself to texts freely available on the Internet.

While no commentator can be entirely unbiased, I have tried to keep my commentary as neutral as possible. Although I might disagree with Jock’s point of view, he has the right to express that view; similarly, however, that also grants me the right to comment on his writings.

Almost all references are to sources outside of the text, although I have also referred to themes and sub-themes throughout the text.

As far as possible, I have avoided being influenced by my personal feelings on the subject, and I trust that this is understood and accepted in good faith.

Simply put, this is no big deal. I wrote it so that, if someone does read Life of Mo, and wants to know a little more, then this commentary will help.

CF Hibbot

2016

Original Title Page

Life of Mo

A musical satire

By

Jock

August 2012

Copyright Information

There are no copyright restrictions on the text or lyrics of this play. This play is released under creative commons. You may:

Copy and distribute it as much as you wish.

Make changes as you wish, as long as the changes are clearly indicated (the easiest would be to put in a footnote explanation).

Produce this play, or parts of, as often as you like without paying any royalties to me - but please see the note about the music above.² Whether for live or recorded performance, broadcast it at will. I would prefer that no admission/viewing/ listening fee be charged. If admission/viewing/listening fee is charged, I would prefer if it is done so to cover production costs only.

Make any other derivative works from it, including translations, satires, games, toys, apps, etc., as long as they are released under the same copyright conditions as the original.

Upload any derivative works into websites, social networking sites, etc.

There might, however, be issues with the music on which the songs are based. If you wish to produce this play, you will have to deal with laws of copyright, parody and satire in your country.

If a profit is made from any of these, please donate at least 50% to any organisation that encourages freedom of speech and thought. This is a request, not an instruction.

I would also appreciate it if I am acknowledged as the sole creator of this work, but that is up to your conscience.

Author’s Comment

It is difficult to decide which is worse: political or religious intolerance. In combination, however, they form a satanic splendour (I think I got that from somewhere else, but can’t remember where – it’s far too pat for me to have thought of it myself. So, consider it referenced).³

Just as a book reads you,⁴ a play watches you⁵ (I know I got that from somewhere else). This play is designed to watch you carefully, not only while you are experiencing it, but long after.

If you are offended, then ask yourself why. If you are offended by the truth, then it’s time to stop repeating the lie.

Some people may be shocked at some of things included here. Actually, there are so many more shocking things in the original texts on which the play is based. This play scratches the surface only. While there is obviously some fiction for dramatic or humorous effect, a large portion of this play is based on fact as far as can be ascertained from the sources.

(Unfortunately, the sources are not always reliable, and become less so with intentional modern obscuration. For example, when modern texts say Some scholars now dispute this, or this claim cannot be independently verified, it should be taken to read This has always been accepted as fact, but is now embarrassing, and no longer fits into what we would like to believe or portray to the world.)

In some cases, possible discussions have been re-constructed based on the behaviour of followers through the centuries. If that behaviour is not based on discussions or writing similar to these, then one must ask: on what is it based?

In other cases, conversations are reconstructed based on what should have happened. For instance, I have no evidence that any witness protested about the Bani Quraiza mass murder. But, given that there were hundreds of witnesses (men, women and children), it is not too much to suppose that at least one person raised some form of objection. Surely. The same might be said about the stoning of the woman from Ghamid.

In most cases, the bizarre is not fiction – some of the incidents are simply beyond anything I could create.

Ultimately, however, this is not a history text, but a satire. The concept of satire and parody appears strange to some people, and they struggle to grasp it, so the aim of the play needs to be stated explicitly so that there is no confusion:

The prime aim of the play is to have Muslims re-examine the origins and principles of their religion and its rituals, rather than to react according to caricature and stereotype. (By caricature and stereotype, I mean such as screaming Death to America every time somebody upsets you, or blaming everything on a Zionist plot, or planting bombs or knifing people to death in the street.)⁶ Nothing more, nothing less. Re-read the texts on which your faith is based. In a language that you fully understand. All the texts. The whole text. By yourself, with no-one forcing you to accept a particular viewpoint. And dare, also, to question. Then read the many texts that describe the details of the origins of many of the rituals and beliefs. Open your eyes. Open your minds. Dare to think. You have the ability – you just haven’t used it properly for a long time.

I expect reaction to this play will be varied. The artists whose works I’ve remixed will probably want to disassociate themselves publicly from this. They know that the religion of peace and tolerance will harm them, or others, if they don’t. But I do hope the journalists, artists and politicians in the West will react with a little more backbone than they displayed in response to Rushdie’s work.⁷

Those who do not have the ability to create wondrous and beautiful things are doomed to become destroyers of great achievements. That was my thought as I watched the collapse of the Twin Towers.

Dedication

This play is dedicated to the unnamed woman from Ghamid.

Acknowledgements

This work uses and remixes the lyrics and music from the following songs (in order of appearance):

Man of mine - Nine to Five: Dolly Parton⁸

Reviewing the situation - Reviewing the Situation: Lionel Bart⁹

Thank heaven for little girls - Thank heaven for little girls: Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe¹⁰

Movin' out - Movin' Out: Billy Joel¹¹

Paint it black - Paint it, Black: Mick Jagger and Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)¹²

Stairway to Heaven - Stairway to Heaven: Jimmy Page and Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin)¹³

Crazy Qur’an says – Simple Simon Says: Elliot Chiprut (1910 Fruitgum Company)¹⁴

Caravans – Caravans: Mike Batt¹⁵¹⁶

You’ve got to abrogate it in time - You've got to pick a pocket or two: Lionel Bart¹⁷

Always chop off the hands before the feet – Always look on the bright side of life: Monty Python¹⁸

Don't stop me now - Don't stop me now: Freddie Mercury (Queen)¹⁹

You’ll go to Paradise - I've never been to me: Charlene²⁰

Satisfaction - (I can't get no) Satisfaction: Mick Jagger and Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)²¹

I Dreamed a dream - I Dreamed a Dream: Claude-Michel Schönberg, John Cameron, Herbert Kretzmer, Alain Boublil.²²

Exceeded all expectations - Reviewing the Situation: Lionel Bart²³

Rat into Hell - Bat out of Hell: Meat Loaf & Jim Steinman²⁴

Epilogue - Reviewing the Situation: Lionel Bart²⁵

(And I wanted to use That Old Black Magic,²⁶ but that would have been too easy). People might think it odd that such an eclectic mix of music has been used; and even offensive that I have mixed Western modern music with a 700-year old Middle-eastern political, military and religious subject.²⁷ Under the circumstances, eclectic remixing and re-purposing is entirely appropriate, and I’m merely following the principles of multiculturalism.²⁸

Finally, I have included only a few stage directions. They are my personal interpretations, and should be taken as suggestions only. Please experiment as much as you like.

Fortune is allotted, that rocks are visited

and touched with hands and lips,

Like the Holy Rock or the two Angels²⁹ of Quraysh,

howbeit all of them are stones that once were kicked.

Abu 'L-ala Ahmad b. Abdallah al-Ma’arri (973-1057)³⁰

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein (supposedly)³¹

In a world of conflict, a world of victims and executioners, it is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners. Albert Camus (perhaps)³²

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run

There's still time to change the road you're on

Jimmy Page and Robert Plant (Led Zeppelin), Stairway to Heaven.³³

Cast of Main Characters (in order of appearance)

Khadija – Mo’s wife³⁴

Mo – Arch deceiver³⁵

Abu Bakr - Mo’s companion³⁶

Zayd – Mo’s adopted son³⁷ (later rejected when adoption considered un-Islamic)³⁸

Ali – Mo’s companion³⁹

Umar - Mo’s companion⁴⁰

Abu Dharr al-Ghifari - Mo’s companion⁴¹

Khalid b. Walid - Mo’s companion⁴²

Woman from Ghamid⁴³

Abdullah bin Sa’d (Abd Allah bin Sa’d Abi Sarh) – a scribe who later rejected Islam and went to Mecca⁴⁴

Vendor⁴⁵

Sa’d - Mo’s companion⁴⁶

Al-Zubayr – Mo’s companion⁴⁷

Huyai a chief of Bani Nadir and Safiyah’s father⁴⁸

Satan⁴⁹

Beelzebub⁵⁰

Soldiers, scribes and citizens.

Prologue: Mecca (Khadija’s Shop), 610 AD - Frustration

[Khadija⁵¹ is working in the shop, packing things, and serving customers. She sings Man of Mine. The customers can be used in the chorus.]

Man of mine

Trouble in my head, don’t wanna start bitchin’;

Wish he had an ounce of ambition,

But no, I work, and he dreams all the time.

He used to help me, instead of just bumming;⁵²

In from the street, the people are coming,

And I work hard to support that man of mine.

Oh, that man of mine, wish you’d help me make a living;

Barely getting by, you’re all taking, and I’m giving.

You just use my cash, now I have to buy on credit.

It’s enough to drive me crazy if I let it.

Man of mine, while you’re out there and sun-soakin’;

Is it camel dung, that, my friend, you have been smoking?

Better lend a hand, ‘cause the people think you’re lazy.

I swear sometimes that man is damn-well crazy.⁵³

He wants to dream; the business don’t matter;

Sometimes I think he’s a crazy old hatter,

But those are dreams, I’m gonna take away.

Fine when you’re young with invisible friends;

Talking ‘bout the ghosts and ghoulies⁵⁴ and jinns,⁵⁵

But it’s time to awake, and to see the light of the day.

Oh, that man of mine, wish you’d help me make a living;

Barely getting by, you’re all taking, and I’m giving.

You just use my cash, now I have to buy on credit.

It's enough to drive me crazy if I let it.

Man of mine, yeah, you’ve got me where you want me;

I’m your lowly slave; you work me like a donkey,

While you play in caves.⁵⁶ My money, you just spend it;

But your time has come, and I’m damn-well gonna end it.

Man of mine, while you’re out there and sun-soakin’;

Is it camel dung, that, my friend, you have been smoking?

Better lend a hand, ‘cause the people think you’re lazy.

I swear sometimes that man is damn-well crazy.

Man of mine, yeah, you’ve got me where you want me;

I’m your lowly slave; you work me like a donkey,

While you play in caves. My money, you just spend it;

But your time has come, and I’m damn-well gonna end it.

Act 1, Scene 1: Mecca (Khadija’s Shop), 610 AD - Consideration

[Door⁵⁷ open, Mo enters].

Khadija: Ah, finished with your caves, then?

Mo: I am possessed! Possessed!⁵⁸

Khadija: Yes, I know. I know you’re possessed. Unfortunately, you’re a possession I can’t sell. Don’t you think it’s about time you did some work instead of running off to your caves? Imaginary friends are fine as a child,⁵⁹ Mo, but it’s time to stop and help with the business, like you once did.⁶⁰

Mo: No, I mean I have an evil spirit in me, and I fell down, and saw bright lights and heard voices, and I was sweating.⁶¹

Khadija: Oh, great, that’s all I need. Business is bad enough as it is. My customers get to hear of this, and they’ll run a mile. Here, sit down here, and calm yourself. It sounds like you have what the Romans⁶² call the falling sickness.⁶³ So, tell me, what exactly happened?

Mo: I told you, I saw bright lights, and I heard a voice.

Khadija: And did the voice tell you to come and help me with my business?

Mo: No, but I tried to kill myself,⁶⁴ and people saw me on the street.⁶⁵

Khadija: Wonderful! That did the world of good for my business, I’m sure. Mmm. I have to do some damage-control, make something up.

Mo: Like what?

Khadija: I don’t know, let me think. Mmm. OK, you were stung by a bee.

Mo: There are no bees in the caves.

Khadija: OK, so then you…., you had a vision, you saw a spirit, an angel.⁶⁶

Mo: An angel?

Khadija: Yeah.

Mo: And then what?

Khadija: Give me a second, I’m winging this. Ah, I don’t know, what do angles⁶⁷ do or say, anyway? Go forth and multiply,⁶⁸ start a new religion, something like that.

Mo: What?

Khadija: Yeah, actually, I meant that as a joke, but, now that I think of it, it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Mo: Go forth and multiply?

Khadija: You wish!⁶⁹ No, idiot, start a new religion.

Mo: Oh. How?

Khadija: I don’t know. Be a prophet.

Mo: What?

Khadija: Yeah, the timing is perfect. The Jews and Christians had their prophets, and they have their scriptures, so why shouldn’t we?⁷⁰ Try it.

Mo: What?

Khadija: Stop saying that! I said, start a new religion.

Mo: How?

Khadija: OK, this is what happened: you saw a vision in one of your caves, it was an angel. And you heard a voice. And the voice told you stuff. After that, just use your imagination, and see where it leads you.

Mo: Are you nuts? People won’t believe me.

Khadija: Mo, there are over 360 gods and belief systems in Mecca alone.⁷¹ People pray to stones⁷² and pieces of dried clay and trees and leaves. Do you think one lonely angel in a cave is going to sound any stranger to them?

Mo: No, I guess you’re right.

Khadija: Exactly. Around here, people believe anything. All you have to do is be convincing, don’t rattle them too much, and who knows? We might even make some money from it.

Mo: But what do I say? I can hardly read and write.⁷³

Khadija: Mo, most of the people here can hardly read and write.⁷⁴ We Arabs are not really known for our brains.⁷⁵ Just mix and match.⁷⁶

Mo: What do you mean?

Khadija: Look, you’ve travelled around a lot with all the caravans,⁷⁷ you’ve heard all the stories from the others,⁷⁸ especially from my cousin, Waraqa,⁷⁹ and the rabbis and the monks.⁸⁰ Knit it all together somehow. Get the stories from the Christians, the Jews and the Pagans.⁸¹

Hey, I’m on a roll here. Listen to all who talk about Zoroaster, Abraham, Moses, Jesus,⁸² even some stuff from Socrates, Confucius, and Buddha. You’ve seen their rituals, their stone-kissing, their pilgrimages.⁸³

Just keep it simple. Choose only one of their gods, any one, it doesn’t really matter which, and say that he is the only one, and focus on that. Steal all their stories and rituals and jumble them all up. Oh, and, use some local poetry, like that guy al-Quays.⁸⁴

Mo: But isn’t that called palgia, palag….

Khadija: Plagiarism? No, that’s not plagiarism. That’s matching, mashing, re-mixing and repurposing.

Mo: And what’s the purpose?

Khadija: Anything you want.

Mo: But if I just take from everybody else, there will be nothing new.

Khadija: New? Who needs new? OK, if you want new, stop that practice of burying newly-born females. That really sucks!

Mo: OK, I can do that.⁸⁵ [To himself:] Besides, it will add more possible wives to choose from.

Khadija: Here, here are also some books, with nice big pretty pictures.⁸⁶ You can use those.

Mo: OK.

Khadija: And finally, make sure that you emphasise that this new religion automatically makes the followers special, better than anyone else.⁸⁷

Mo: How can a religion make you better than anyone else?

Khadija: Mo, people want to believe that they’re better than anyone else. At the moment, we have nothing to prove that we are better than anyone else. So, just say so. Say it with conviction, over and over again. Mostly, they won’t question. And if they do, let others answer. See which answer seems to work best, and then adopt that as the official line.

Mo: Do you really think that these people are so stupid?

Khadija: Ha, you have no idea. Now, I’m going to bed. You sit here and give it some thought.

[Exit]

Mo: [Leads into Reviewing the Situation]

Reviewing the situation

A⁸⁸ man's under siege, isn’t he?

Wants some prestige, doesn’t he?

And though I'd be the last one to say that I wasn't lazy...

It’s better to be thought of as religious than crazy...⁸⁹

I'm reviewing the situation:

Can a fellow be a prophet half his life?⁹⁰

All the wealth and dedication!

Maybe even get myself a second wife.

From the Christians, I will borrow hell,

That won’t be very hard to sell,

A place of pain and death, I’ll tell,

Although I’ll do without their bell.⁹¹

And on the ground I’ll say I fell.

And saw their Paradise as well...⁹²

...You know, I think I may just have a plan!

They’re much like the Jews, anyway.

Track Moses’ shoes, anyway.⁹³

I will offer everything in the world,⁹⁴

And I'm starting from now

Begin to win friends and to influence people

--And how!

I'm reviewing the situation,

I must quickly look just like a clever man.

And the Pagans, with allegations

Of a plot, I’ll blame them all, I know I can!⁹⁵

I’ll attack their faith variety,⁹⁶

And speak with fawning piety,⁹⁷

And eat with no surfeity,

And claim the only deity,⁹⁸

And offer all to those who wait,

And get them kneeling down, prostrate!⁹⁹ Oh, Mo!

...You know, I think I may just have a plan!

And Adam and Eve – start with them.

Move straight along to Abraham.¹⁰⁰

I’ll take Jewish companions,¹⁰¹

And twist them to meet my base needs…

What I don’t understand,

I’ll be dropping and scatt’ring like seeds.

I'm reviewing the situation.

And to start my faith, I’ll take the Pagan view!

It can’t all be pure negation -

I’ll incorporate the rituals that they do!

Well, their Ka’aba is a starting base,

Their blackened stone a kissing place,

I’ll also use their running race,¹⁰²

And Allah is a name of grace,¹⁰³

Their five times daily prayer is good,¹⁰⁴

And life-once pilgrimage they should.¹⁰⁵

...You know, I think I may just …

...You know, I think I may just have a plan!

What happens when she’s seventy?¹⁰⁶

Must come a time...seventy.

When she’s old, and I’m cold,

And I really desire me a wife?

Their best contribution’s polygamy¹⁰⁷

All through my life...

I'm reviewing the situation.

She’s a woman and a woman she will stay!¹⁰⁸

You'll be seeing some transformation,

But don’t think equality in any way.

She’ll inherit only half of man,¹⁰⁹

As witness, only half a man,¹¹⁰

And drop her gaze away from man,

And cover all herself from man,

And never shop without a man,

And never shake the hand of man.¹¹¹

I’ll add more rules as pleases me.

And call it our equality.¹¹²

...You know, I think I really have a plan!

Hey!

Act 1, Scene 2: Mecca, 613 AD – Customs and Rituals

[Mo, ¹¹³ Abu Bakr,¹¹⁴ Zayd, Ali (aged 13) are sitting talking.]

Mo: OK, guys, you know, I’ve been working on this new religion for a couple of years.

Abu Bakr: Yeah, it seems to be coming on well – all those revelations in the caves and stuff.

Mo: Yeah, it is, it is, but there are a couple of things that I need to sort out, and I need your help.

Abu Bakr: Anything, Mo. But first, what’s its name?

Mo: I haven’t decided yet.

Zayd: I think your religion is rather lame.

Mo: What’s that?

Zayd: It’s lame. I said it’s lame.

Mo: Yeah, you’re right, that, that’s a good name. Itslame. Hang on, too hard on the t, chop that out. Islame. Mm, that last sound will be too difficult. I’ve got it! Islam. That’s the name of the new religion.¹¹⁵

Zayd: Um, Mo, that’s not what I …

Mo: No, that’s it. Faslul-khitab.¹¹⁶ The end of the discussion. Now, moving on to the contents.

Abu Bakr: Yeah, what have you got so far?

Mo: Well, I’ve got most of the basics, but I want to make sure that I build in things from other religions and cultures. This is where you come in, Abu. You’ve travelled widely, you’ve read about the other religions. I think we can learn from the other religions. Those that we don’t kill off, I mean.

Ali: Huh?

Mo: Ah, nothing, nothing, just a joke on the side.¹¹⁷ Now, as I was saying, I think we can include stuff from the other religions. That way, I can tell people that things in their religion are also part of ours.

Zayd: Can you give some examples?

Mo: Yeah, like, from the Jews, I have a whole stack of stuff, almost all their prophets,¹¹⁸ and their food restrictions and stuff like that.¹¹⁹

Zayd: And from the Christians?

Mo: Yeah, well, they share a lot of common stuff. Also, I’m going to use Jesus, but I’m making him a prophet. And I’m not too keen on that turn the other cheek stuff.¹²⁰

Abu Bakr: Yeah, me too.

Mo: I think an eye for eye suits us better.¹²¹

Abu Bakr: Yeah, and I don’t like the idea that he rejects the riches of this world.¹²² We need loot.

Mo: You bet.¹²³

Abu Bakr: And the idea of the Trinity¹²⁴ – far too complex.

Mo: Agreed.

Abu Bakr: But how will you explain the differences? Between what you say and what the Christians say?

Mo: Oh, I’ll just say that they weren’t there in the original, but that, over the centuries, with translations and corruptions and stuff being lost, and stuff being added, the Christians and Jews have messed things up.¹²⁵ My version will be the original.¹²⁶ So, I just mash it all up into whatever I want it to be.

Abu Bakr: But if you just mash it up, and leave out bits, it won’t make sense, and no-one will understand it.

Mo: Ah, there’s the beauty in it: They don’t have to understand it. In fact, it’s best if they don’t. Because, if they understand it, they’ll question. And I don’t want questions.¹²⁷ I revel in their confusion. The more confused they are, the more they’ll think that I am clever and wise.¹²⁸

Abu Bakr: But some of them will also want to appear clever.

Mo: Of course, they will. And they can also claim to understand, and no-one will question them. We’ll say it’s evil to question it.¹²⁹

Abu Bakr: But won’t they question that part, I mean…ah, I see what you mean. Clever. Oh, Wise One! [They laugh] So, your solution is to for people to claim to understand, and that it’s all wonderful and clear, but actually no-one really knows.

Mo: Yup.

Abu Bakr: What’s to keeping them from admitting the truth?

Mo: Pride. Let’s face it, if everybody else around you understands something, would you admit to being the only idiot in the tent?

Abu Bakr: Good point.

Mo: And we’ll also say that it’s very, very beautiful. And anyone who doesn’t see the beauty must be stupid.¹³⁰

Zayd: Will that work?

Mo: Let’s try it. Here is a verse. I say that everybody in the world who understands the language can see the beauty. Even small children can see the beauty, and are so overcome by it, that they cry when they read it. Zayd, can you see the beauty in it?

Zayd: Well, um, no, actually, I …. Ah, ah, yes, you’re right. Ah, yes, it’s very beautiful. Amazingly beautiful. I feel like crying now.¹³¹

Mo: Exactly. Who would then dare admit that they don’t see the beauty?

Zayd: Clever. Ok, sounds good. Well, what do we have from the Pagans?

Mo: Well, we already have the pilgrimage to Mecca, and wearing of white sheets¹³² and stuff, and the jinns.¹³³ Ah, yes, most important, rather than invent a new god, I’ve taken one of theirs, Allah.¹³⁴

Zayd: Why Allah?

Mo: Why not?

Zayd: Yeah, true. He’s as good as any, I suppose.

Abu Bakr: And I like the idea of a holy month that the Pagans have.

Mo: Yeah, I also like the idea of a holy month, Ramadan.¹³⁵

Ali: Rub me down? I like that!

Mo: Hey, Ali, if we’re to steal their ideas, then we have to call it by its proper name.

Ali: Oh, OK.

Zayd: Well, let’s use their head covering. The Jews do that also, so they won’t mind.

Mo: True, and it makes sense in the desert.

Abu Bakr: Well, let’s use their veil also. For the women only, though. Shouldn’t be too difficult, because we cover our faces from the sand anyway.¹³⁶

Mo: OK, but for what reason?

Abu Bakr: What do you mean? For what reason?

Mo: Well, we have to spin them something. At this stage, we still need to justify things.

Abu Bakr: Well, what about to remove temptation from men?¹³⁷ Covering their naughty bits.

Mo: That doesn’t say much about the Arab man’s ability for self-control. But it works, I like it.

Abu Bakr: But what if they are old hags? Then surely they can discard their veils?

Mo: Ah, yuk! Better if they do not discard them.¹³⁸

[All laugh]

Zayd: Yeah, definitely put that in. And they mustn’t stamp their feet also.¹³⁹

Mo: Why not?

Zayd: Cos then we can see all their jiggly bits. [All laugh]

Mo: OK, ok, I’ll do that. What else?

Abu Bakr: You know, the Persians have a nice trick to get people to learn their texts. They believe that there is merit in just reciting them, like the Avestan Vendidad.¹⁴⁰

Ali: What’s that?

Abu Bakr: Oh, it’s one of their holy books. So we can do the same. Just get people to recite.

Mo: Recite it? But how does that do anything?

Abu Bakr: Let’s just say, it, it’s a mystery.

Mo: Ah, clever.

Abu Bakr: Yup. There are even some of them who don’t understand it, but they still just¹⁴¹ learn it off by heart, and they recite it.

Mo: You mean they recite it without even understanding it?

Abu Bakr: Yup.

Mo: That’s plain stupid! Mmm. I like that. That solves a particular problem I’m having.

Zayd: How?

Mo: Well, we are writing this text in an obscure dialect, of an obscure language,¹⁴² in an obscure part of the world.

Zayd: Yes?

Mo: Well, we want it to spread. But we know that people won’t learn our language.

Abu Bakr: Yeah, that’s a problem.

Mo: And we can’t translate it into theirs, because it’s supposed to be a copy of one written in Paradise.¹⁴³

Abu Bakr: Yeah, big problem.

Mo: Well, then, we’ll just tell them all that they don’t have to understand it.

Zayd: No?

Mo: No. They just have to learn it off by heart, just say the words, without even knowing what they are, and just recite it, and that will help them get into Paradise.¹⁴⁴

Zayd: Mo, you can’t do that.

Mo: Why not?

Zayd: Well, they won’t believe you.

Mo: No, not all. Only the stupid ones.

Abu Bakr: But what do we do about the other 5%?

[They laugh]

Mo: You see, mainly, we don’t want them to be able to understand it. That way, we just tell them what the original is, and they will believe us. That means that if there are mistakes or contradictions, we can cover them up. And I’ll make it more so - as languages change over time, the original will become even less understood.¹⁴⁵

Abu Bakr: But it will be translated. Foreigners will translate it, and these damn foreigners think, and they will question it and show it to be rubbish.

Mo: Mmm, good point. OK, then we’ll say that a lot is lost in translation,¹⁴⁶ and even the beauty of it is lost in the translation, and all the errors they see are not in the original, and the problem is just that these foreigners don’t understand the original language.¹⁴⁷

Abu Bakr: You’re really smart. Oh, Wise One!

Mo: Not really. It’s just that his bunch of camel herders is so stupid!

Abu Bakr: True.

Mo: You know, we have another problem: morality and ethics.¹⁴⁸

Abu Bakr: That’s not a problem, we have none! [They laugh]

Mo: No, seriously. The Greeks have this whole philosophy of what is good, and just, and the Jews and Christians have also carried some of that over.

Zayd: So?

Mo: So? Can you really see an Arab doing something good for a fellow being only because it’s a good thing? Without a prospect of a reward? Without doing a deal?

Zayd: Mmm. Good point. So what do we do?

Mo: We have to have some sort of incentive to do good.

Abu Bakr: We could give them money.

Mo: Yes, if we had some. I’ve milked everything I can from Khadija’s business, and I don’t think I can take any more.¹⁴⁹

Abu Bakr: Well, you know, the Persians have this thing of scales.

Mo: Yeah?

Abu Bakr: Yeah. And you do good and bad deeds, and you earn, like, points, and when you do bad stuff, you lose points.

Mo: And then?

Abu Bakr: Well, I’m not sure, but I think at the end of life, if your scales are in the favour of the good points, then you get a reward.¹⁵⁰

Mo: Mmm, clever. Give me a few seconds. Hang on, hang on!

Abu Bakr: What? What?

Mo: I’ve just had a revelation.¹⁵¹

Abu Bakr: That was quick, wasn’t it?

Mo: Yeah, well, sometimes they’re in short-hand.¹⁵²

Abu Bakr: Well, tell us about the revelation.

Mo: OK, each person has a giant set of scales.¹⁵³

Abu Bakr: That’s what I said.

Mo: Sh. I’m reciting.

Abu Bakr: OK, sorry.

Mo: And the scales are balanced. And if you do good deeds, you earn points, we’ll call them hasanat.¹⁵⁴

Abu Bakr: OK.

Mo: And if you do bad deeds, you earn bad points. We’ll call them ithim. And then, when you die, if you have a good balance, you go to Paradise. If you have a bad balance, you go to Hell.¹⁵⁵

Abu Bakr: Yes? How much do these points weigh?

Mo: Ah, I dunno. Different deeds weigh different amounts, I think. Think of them like coins. Every time you do something good, ching!

Zayd: Ching?

Mo: Yeah, the sound of a good point falling into the scale.

Abu Bakr: Give us an example.

Mo: Well, we were talking about learning the Qur’an. And we want them to recite it. So, reciting a bit of it should earn you some hasanat. Go on, try it.

Zayd: OK. There is no compulsion…¹⁵⁶

Mo: Ching! Ching! Ching! Carry on, you’re doing ok, you’re getting the hang of it.

Ali: Hey, this is cool! While you’re about it, can you build some hygiene into that also?

Mo: How?

Ali: I don’t know – something like they have to wash frequently.¹⁵⁷

Mo: Good idea. Especially in the desert.

Ali: Oh, and also, during the Rub Me Down month,¹⁵⁸ they get extra ching, ching, ching.

Mo: Extra ching, ching, ching?

Ali: Yeah, like bonus points. It’ll make them extra good.¹⁵⁹

Mo: OK, sounds good, to me.

Ali: This is really great!

Mo: I know, nice and simple.

Abu Bakr: Too simple. No-one will believe this crap.

Mo: Only the stupid ones.

[They laugh]

Abu Bakr: No, Mo, seriously. I mean, yes, it’s much more simple than trying to teach the concept of ethics¹⁶⁰ and morality, but, Mo, really, do think that anyone is stupid enough to believe this? Giant scales. Ching, ching, ching for reciting something? Really!

Mo: Abu, I can assure you, the human capacity for stupidity, especially if they think they are going get a reward, is beyond your capacity to understand. I can tell you, many years from now, people will be drawing up lists of good deeds and how many hasanat they will earn for doing things like reciting a line, or saying a prayer, or washing their hands or something equally stupid.¹⁶¹

Abu Bakr: Well, you’re boss.

Mo: That’s right. Any other issues?

Ali: Yeah. We need some nice stories.

Mo: Mmm, true. Like what?

Abu Bakr: Well, the Syrians have this ancient legend of the seven sleepers.¹⁶²

Mo: Yeah, you’re right. I like that one too. OK, I’ll build that in somehow.¹⁶³ Anything else?

Abu Bakr: Yeah. Women are tough competition in the market place. Can’t we make them stay at home?

Mo: Mmm, might be a bit tough.

Abu Bakr: You know, the Byzantines have this worked out. They say that a woman’s place is in the home. That could be quite good. Reduces commercial competition for men.¹⁶⁴

Mo: But Khadija is a successful business woman.

Abu Bakr: Exactly. And she’s useful as an example that we can mention