The Lord of the Springs

By Eric Lawton

An invention with jokes. This idea could revolutionize private transport as a dedicated commuter. It could potentially surpass Microsoft. If you don't like the idea, you should like the joke book in the second half. Without them, it's hardly more than a pamphlet.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Eric Lawton
• Release date: Aug 6, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301059485

Eric Lawton

Born 1/10/1953 Ashton, England. Lives in Queensland, Australia. Grad. Dip.Management. Retired Computer Systems Officer. Married, 5 children. Loves Aussie Rules Football, cars and motorbikes.

Book preview

Eric

Lawton

The

Lord of the

Springs

First published in Brisbane 2004.

No need to mention the publisher, I paid for it myself.

© Eric Lawton (aka Horry Plotter) 2004

© Eric Lawton 2013

Now a Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. Particularly the rights to build it.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the author.

HSBN 0 000 0000 2

[Horry’s Silly Book Number]

Contents

Introductory drivel

Chapter 1 The distant memory

Chapter 2 Tell no-one; tell anybody

Chapter 3 One more diversion

Chapter 4 The sum of the parts

Chapter 5 I love my Government

Chapter 6 Irrelevant, obvious padding

Chapter 7 The inland sea

Chapter 8 What was I thinking?

Chapter 9 Old technology long overdue

Chapter 10 The wrap-up

Jokes, inspiration, and trivia (a collection)

This book is unique. It is really three books in one. Why I did it seems like madness, now, but was a good idea at the time.

The largest section is not the main part, but is probably the least bizarre. It’s simply a collection of email jokes, ectetera. I didn’t write them, and can take no credit for them, but they are a good read, just in case you don't like my work.

The main part is about an invention; alas, an invention that exists only in my head – the invention that never was. A pity, because I get excited about it still. I spill the beans on a great idea for a commuter. It would avert the pending oil crisis and free up traffic problems everywhere. It could be bigger than MicroSoft, let alone Ben Hur. There’s hope.

This is the unique part. Most inventions are patented, not made into a story. If that’s not unique, adding it to a joke book has to be.

The third part is dumped in the middle of my invention. It is simply me having a whinge. I’m not sure whether it was a good idea, but you can get to know me better. Only friends listen to whingers. I go on about why society is heading down the toilet faster than a Zirtec. I dump on politics, police, Telstra, youth – you name it. I mock some of our road laws (read how to beat a fine for not carrying a provisional licence) and mourn the lost opportunities to save Australia from drought. All things considered, this part is bizarre.

Who says a book has to be focused on one thing? Get ready for the unconventional.

If it is any consolation, family and friends have mostly liked it. Here’s hoping you like it, also…

Introductory drivel

Second edition update:

Nine years have passed since I self published 200 copies of this book. I freely distributed a few around the family and friends. My mum actually paid for a few at cost price. I lost money and a day I could have better spent at the beach, by setting up a stall at a flea market, which netted one sale at $20. The stall fee was higher. And I have a box of around 150 sitting in my garage, with the white covers yellowing. I have now written a second book called True Religion Explained so I am putting both on Smashwords as e-books. What have I got to lose? I will even drop the silly pseudonym (Horry Plotter). What was I thinking? For this revival, you don't get the joke book. People can buy a first edition hard copy if they want that.

The rest of this book is pure first edition unaltered (except for formatting for e-books):

For fifteen years or more I have had ideas floating around in my head that I am finally convinced are never going to go away, yet never get anywhere. I’m in a quandary. For years I would just think about developing the main idea, but lately my mind wanders as to how to make it happen, as well. Let’s face it, it’s not happening. Tonight, 26th November 2003, after ten pm I’m making a start to what is probably a novel way (possibly the wrong way) of doing something about it. What is it? It’s a strange invention, put loosely. I could write a few pages on it but I think that if I’m going to spill the beans, I could make it the core of a book for men – something rare.

I have about as much idea as to the success of this book as I do of the invention, that is, zero for each. I feel totally inadequate, being neither an inventor nor a writer. There is the real possibility of no success either way. However, it may put to rest the imaginations of my mind, thus, be of some value even in ignonimity. Incidentally, I am a computer programmer and relish the thought of writing in my native English without having to compile, test and debug. It seems a snap, but fourteen lines into it I have written for five minutes, read over parts a dozen times and sat thinking for twenty minutes more. It’s not exactly flowing for me – I hope it’s better for you.

Being a skinflint, I’m dishing this one up as original work, that is, you can laugh at my lack of finesse – nay, correctness – as you read, because no highly paid expert is seeing this manuscript. It’s not just the money saved, I believe the value in this book is in the content and the odd grammatical guff won’t harm. I also think that most people would rather the personal touch, knowing it is really me – a down to earth battler with no pretensions – who you can relate to; get to know me more intimately than had I had the story revised professionally. Like the pine furniture ad, this book is truly in the raw.

I’m inserting this one paragraph on the 6th of December – not to destroy chronological order or to prove I can do anything with a Microsoft product, but because I added A Novel Novel to the title. Yes, with hindsight (it’s written now – next paragraph it’s not – confused?) I know what a crazy idea this is, but I’m running with it. Find me another book that is an invention, a political commentary and a joke book (not just the dedicated section, hopefully) all rolled into one. It has to be novel. Resume.

Hold that resume! It’s the 6th of January 2004 and none of my family, bar Colleen, have read this book, however, I have thought of a better title. It may be that the list of titles rivals the book for size. This title is a blatant attention-getter and, judging by the family’s enthusiasm, it’s going to need it. The title is The Lord of the SpRings. I can visualise a few confused kids wanting their money back. Now resume.

So, why is this a book for men? In reality, it isn’t. Women and children aren’t forbidden from reading on, it’s just that I don’t think many of them will want to, generally speaking. Now, I’m acutely aware of the need to be politically correct (yes, I work for the government) in these modern times, so I had better do some explaining if I am going to use this title. I want to use it, it seems relevant and catchy, but mostly my imagination doesn’t extend to thinking up great titles – was it Shakespeare who said what’s in a name? This one will do.

This is where I attempt to allay the fears of the feminists who think there is something mischievous about the content and spare them the chore of reading all of it; there is nothing designed to be sexist in this book. The subject matter really is centred around a possible invention and I personally believe that women and children, generally, would not be interested. That’s twice I have used the word ‘generally’ and I would stress that it can be implied if and when I don’t use it in the remainder of the book.

Although some people may think I’m a chauvinist I believe I am not, but I lean toward realism to the point that I will call a spade a spade when accepting facts from generalisations, and that has often been misinterpreted as sexist. In this instance, I would think it accurate to say that women read Mills and Boon type novels in bucket-loads. On the other hand, men don’t – I certainly don’t, but I am specific, yet I think I am typical. Generally, women do and men don’t. Conversely, men read … well … what do men read? When it comes to books, practically nothing, generally. Sure, there are all the men’s interest magazines. Men are also big on comics, but books? I don’t think they rate. So this is something they can be seen reading on the bus or train to work that doesn’t have a single glossy photo or drawing and actually looks like a book, albeit a bit on the small side. I can only waffle so much.

It’s possible that I have said just enough to insult men and, to be fair, it’s unintentional. The truth is, men use books in the way they were intended – knowledge; information, rather than just to kill time whilst commuting or for relaxation at home. The lion’s share of reference books found in university libraries and business, in general, (particularly trades) are written and read by men, but not as a pastime. [I would spell that with a double s but my Yankee spell checker prefers one. Shoot Bill Gates.] It comes down to the differences between men and women and, at the risk of sounding sexist, we are different. It goes beyond a physical difference. What we like to read and how we read reflect the difference in the minds – generally speaking! This book is a crossover – a man’s reading for pleasure, if possible, the way a woman can. My apologies for having absolutely no romance, shoot-em-ups, exotic places and all the usual aspects of a novel. I’m going to attempt to make it interesting and thought provoking, nonetheless.

It’s here I say goodbye to a large number of readers as you put the book down. Whether you are man, woman or child who continues, I sincerely hope you get a new and unique experience, or at the very least – value for money.

Chapter 1 The distant memory

As I mentioned in the intro, when you cut through the drivel, it was at least fifteen years ago I started thinking something that was to occupy my mind on and off to this very day and, although it is a long time, I have not acted upon it until tonight (now midnight – must go to bed soon).

When it came to me, thankfully not all the time, it would prevent me from sleeping, so powerful were the thoughts. If you knew me, that would mean more to you because I was always a great sleeper. One of the best. Lazy. Probably bone idle. Enough about that. I’m sure everybody has had those days when a song takes over the brain and the more you try not to play it the more it plays. Same thing. I could not dismiss the thoughts, yet there wasn’t all that much to them, so vague was the notion in the early stages.

I have never written down anything about it to-date so I’m unloading this straight out of my head. A few years ago I was playing with a drawing program on a PC and tried to draw my idea crudely. It was a dismal failure. Not only did I not know how to use the program, I didn’t have a clue what to draw, so undeveloped was the idea in my mind. I gave up quickly. It was always very real in my imagination but proved hard to convert into something tangible. Hopefully, I can dispense with drawing and get you to see it in your imagination - that’s the challenge – straight out of my mind and into yours. Yours may turn out better if you have a good imagination. It’s surprising how vivid the memory of how it all began still is. There were two defining moments.

The first was the time my wife bought a small toy for our first son that intrigued me the moment I saw it. It’s the basis for my invention. I should have kept it, but I didn’t have that second defining moment until long after it broke. It was only a cheap thing and I don’t really need it, the concept is enough.

The second came when riding my motorbike home from work, naturally, something that happens too often. I don’t mind riding often, it’s the work part that irks. How or why this thought entered my head I have no idea, but it connected the toy with a new invention. Now if you’re a thinking person, you are probably wondering how it can be an invention if the toy used the concept? You may be right. I’m not entirely certain whether it qualifies as an invention for the same reason, but as I put it all into your head I hope you will see that it’s a great idea, if I can pull it off. Yes, there are complications, that’s why I do a lot of thinking and no action, and there is more to it than the toy alone has to offer. It’s a melding of enough existing concepts to be unique. I have casually watched the industry over the past fifteen years and have not seen a similar concept. It may well be classed as an invention. As I have said, I am not an inventor – at least not yet, so it’s hard for me to tell.

Time for me to break chronology again and inject an ‘aside’. 21st July 21, 2004 and nobody will publish this thing. Meanwhile, I have read that an Australian company has invented a gas-pressure regenerative brake system for large trucks, mainly. This is the first similar concept, but not the same, and at opposite ends of the size spectrum.

These defining moments are so vivid I remember the places I had them. The first was in the family room. The second was on Beaudesert road on the downhill stretch immediately after turning off Compton road. I forget people’s birthdays and all sorts of important things so why do I remember this? I can even say I was at the southern end of the room and sent the toy crashing into the breakfast bar at the northern end. I can still see the intensity of the impact and the bounce off the kick board. I remember the ride was on a sunny day but, hey, this is Queensland, and the peak hour traffic was moderate (those days are gone). My invention may restore the latter memory to reality. You thinking people would have guessed what my invention is by now – a commuter. I won’t divulge the nature of it just yet, but assure you it’s very different from anything else on the road, enough to not fall into any known category (car, motorcycle, scooter, bicycle, skateboard or whatever). Instead, I will stick to chronological order and define the defining moments.

My wife gave this small car, no bigger than a matchbox, to my four year old son who straight away pushed it on the (then) concrete floor of the family room. It was a new house that we hadn’t carpeted or tiled until long after we moved in, that’s why the floor was concrete at the time. It didn’t push very well and looked a real dud until my wife took it and said, I think this is how it goes. She pressed it to the floor, pulled back about five inches, or roughly 20cm (giving away my age) and let go. I was more surprised than my son when it shot forward all six metres of the room, which included the meals area (it wasn’t a big house) and hit the breakfast bar. There was also no table and no chairs in the meals area. We only had one setting and that was in the dining room, (who said there was nothing for women readers?) making this area a perfect place for Damien’s toy. I don’t know about Damien, but I loved that toy straight away. Who said there’d be no romance in this book? When I said shot forward, I meant it. It took off like a scalded cat. I was amazed. I knew my wife was no Russian weightlifter – not by a long shot, thankfully, so where did it get the power? It would have gone twice the distance had it not violently bounced off the breakfast bar and landed on its side, or upside down. That part I don’t remember.

Needless to say Damien didn’t get the next go of the toy – it was me. I beat everybody to it and was torn between wanting to try it and wanting to open it up straight away. Seeing that it wasn’t designed for dismantling I played with it and, yes, I did share with Damien. However, I peered into the mechanism as best I could and determined that it was a spring and flywheel combination. I will discuss the finer details later, but the key point in this defining moment was that twenty centimetres (Bill says centimeters) of seemingly little effort produced fifteen metres of explosive power – it appeared to defy the laws of physics, not that I was well versed on them. A great toy, but that was all it was for a couple of months, I think - I have a poor concept of time.

The second moment came, as I said, when riding. I usually concentrate on the traffic, me being a good rider and all, but am prone to daydream on rides longer than about twenty minutes. Work was a half an hour away. Compton road is around twenty/twenty-five minutes returning from work and daydream mode kicks in about then. I usually nip it in the bud quickly, otherwise one doesn’t live to ride for thirty years, which is what I have amassed to this day (or night, being 1:30 am). Up to the designated spot on the road I had not given it a thought, neither had I entertained the thought at any time between first seeing the toy and that moment. It was a lightning bolt – not literally – there wasn’t a cloud in the sky, but a flash in the brain it was. I just thought, why not replace brakes with springs that load up for a re-launch every time they are used? That’s called regenerative braking, if you’re interested. Needless to say, that opened up a whole can of worms – the finer details and all the complications I will postpone for now –starting the brain on the often annoying pilgrimage of inventing. Fortunately, this occurred when I was mostly off the bike and on my back.

Not far down the road from the big flash the first negative thought was there must be some reason why this can’t work. After all, springs were around long before the first vehicle was invented and in over a hundred years nobody has used them in this way. It’s got to be a bad idea. Go away.

Chapter 2 Tell no-one; tell anybody

Suffice it to say, in spite of my natural tendency to dismiss the thought, I was obsessed with it and lay awake many times at night as if a burglar was on the prowl outside the house. I had never felt so alert for such extended periods well into the wee small hours. This was a daily occurrence over the first few weeks as I grappled with the pros and cons of using the concept. Although I had no real solutions for the cons, I was thinking up all sorts of pros that seemed to outweigh the difficult aspects. It seemed that modern times ought to produce solutions that in olden days would have canned the whole idea. I was convinced that I could make something that would change the world. As weeks turned into months and month to years, the attack of the thought injections lessened in frequency and intensity such that I could maintain sanity, or at least appear to be normal to others. Then again, the jury’s still out on that, regardless.

The regenerative braking concept in motoring circles was almost flavour-of-the-month at that very time. I was a labourer in a biscuit factory in those days but I had always, from being a teenager in the sixties, stayed interested in cars and bikes to a greater extent than my male relatives and peers. Chalk me down as not being an inventor, writer or affiliated with the motor trade mechanically – mine was a cursory interest, but at least I had an interest and an awareness of future directions and the obstacles the industry faced. I wasn’t a complete buffoon. What I did know certainly helped in my mulling over the feasibility of my idea, but I digress; what I was getting to was that I had half devised a way to use springs for regenerative brakes but was forced to take an holistic approach – it was apparent to me very early that it was no good for