The Second Best of Stan Levco

By Stan Levco

A compilation of columns drawn from author Stan Levco’s personal experiences, The Second Best of Stan Levco offers a social commentary on the realities of everyday life. With humor and sarcasm, he shares a plethora of essays, some based on his career as an attorney and special prosecutor. Among the anecdotes, he tells about learning to play “Rhapsody in Blue” one note at a time, offers suggestions for airlines, and discusses his lack of holiday spirit.


Praise for The Second Best of Stan Levco

“Stan Levco inspired me to write silly stuff—and still does. When I was a teen, I looked forward to his columns in the Evansville newspaper. … Stan’s satirical column always made me laugh. More importantly, it made me want to write a column of my own. … This new collection verifies that Stan is still a wonderful smartass—albeit, an older, wiser one …”

—Scott Saalman, Humor Columnist, The Herald (Jasper, Indiana); Author, Nose Hairs Gone Wild; Founder, Will Read and Sing for Food

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Aug 25, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483415000

Book preview

LEVCO

Copyright © 2014 Stan Levco.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-1501-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-1500-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014912673

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 08/14/2014

Contents

About the Author

Foreword

Preface

Chapter 1:   Old self waited near jukebox

Old self waited near jukebox

Learning to play Rhapsody in Blue–one note at a time

Kokomo overrun by AIPS; spread feared

Catfish heaven sounds kinda fishy

Prince may need job till king’s ransom paid

Whoa, Katie! Give an old guy a break

‘Disease’ could make many lives miserable

Think hard, Cubs fans: Is big win really worth it?

That day in Dallas still fresh in memory

Passing out is always consciousness-lowering

Putting the Scrooges to holiday is a tradition

As far as winning goes, it’s thought that counts

Chapter 2:   Scissors remain through thick, thin

Scissors remain through thick, thin

Faces fade to youth at reunion

When you’re eating out these days, it’s like a new world order

Obesity: Where does a 7,200-pound elephant sleep?

Marines at embassy forgot their motto

Arnold to Maria: ‘It’s not a rumor’

When it rains, it pours comments on rubbers

Teaching the truth about justice

Death has a way of taking edge off feeling great about 40

Dr. Brown’s diet soda isn’t place for warning

This odoriferous issue might help clear the air

Keeping track of mileage is helpful

Chapter 3:   Shoe in middle of road is a foot over my head

Shoe in middle of road is a foot over my head

Ex-penny-picker-upper finds no sense in it

Treasuring the right to not vote early

Monkey mating game zoo’s view of success

‘Stan Levco is 40 today!’ How, where, is he handling it?

Let Stan be Stan and not Bob — and vice versa

Is father’s attitude about care healthy?

Not ready for prime time

If Gator’s my co-pilot, just don’t tell me

Elephant, donkey, and now chicken?

Desire to finish school poses some questions

Getting nostalgic about misery

Chapter 4:   Running for office from 20 points behind

Running for office from 20 points behind

A prosecuting attorney is exactly who I am

Yesterday fills lonely heart of aging ‘Sgt. Pepper’

Everybody looks good at 2⁰th college reunion

2004 Democratic Convention

Celebrity obituary would make unusual reading

Why when candidates smoke, there’s no fire?

Original members a good thing, but it’s the act that lives on

Provocative prosecutor will just lose on appeal

Compulsive gambler is a Rose by another name

Boston Marathon was a milestone – mile for mile

After this, things never look the same

Chapter 5:   Actor did it his way – in a gorilla costume

Actor did it his way - in a gorilla costume

Some girls drive dads to nervous breakdown

‘Literally’ had to write this column

One man out of baseball movie may put fix in for grandkids

Wimps…Hard to define, but easy to recognize

By any other name she’d be as sweet

Even turban-powered ayatollah stalls at times

Yankees’ Tommy John’s departure dashed diamond dreams

After unscented soap, what’s left to wish for?

He did not seek, nor gracefully accept, puzzle gift

High times in some Super Bowl comments

A fair and impartial juror

Chapter 6:   Man of the year certainly big enough to wear crown

Man of Year certainly big enough to wear crown

Egads! I sound like my parents, listen like them; am I them?

‘Abbey Road’ paves path of instruction

Running the race of life and winning

Apology from writer over phone call put 20-year bother to rest

They also win immortality who only stand and walk

Bush fans flames of Beantown bigotry

How much time will $8 million buy Roberts?

Did O.J. get bad advice? I doubt it

KGB can tell from letters I’m not their man – to say the least

He won’t be spoiled by tennis success

‘Don’t be happy, worry’ is Levco’s latest ditty

Chapter 7:   From a world far, far away (my world)

From a world far, far away (my world)

Sixty-four isn’t a Beatles’ song lyric any more

When words fail you, this advice may suffice

He took a midlife risk and went the distance

Give a parent an inch, kids, and lose control

Origin of song sung most often

Keeping up with trends keeps guy tied in knots

Senior status has its privileges

Longtime friend lived a life that counted for something

I don’t go to concerts to hear myself sing

He answered the call and now admits he had hang-ups about money

Prosecuting kiosks can be hazardous to your health

About the Author

Stan Levco practices law as a part-time deputy prosecutor in Tell City, Indiana, and he works as a special prosecutor throughout the state of Indiana. Levco lives in Evansville, Indiana, with his wife Susie. He is the father of two daughters. This is his second book.

Foreword

Stan Levco inspired me to write silly stuff—and still does.

When I was a teen, I looked forward to his columns in the Evansville newspaper. The regional paper, with a decent-sized circulation, was my window to the world.

Many times, after I parted the curtains for a view of the world, I would find Stan peering in at me with that crazed look of his. It was creepy. We called the cops. Stan was never caught, though we did find a Boston Red Sox cap in a shrub just outside the window.

Stan, via his column, introduced me to satire. An online dictionary defines satire as the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

In layman’s terms, satire is a license to be a smartass.

When I was a kid, dad always told me to stop being a smartass, yet Stan, an adult (based on appearance), demonstrated it was OK to be one—a successful one to boot!

Stan’s satirical column always made me laugh. More importantly, it made me want to write a column of my own. I’m willing to bet that I’m not the only person Stan has inspired to write—in those other cases though it has likely been hate mail, not a column. It happens. Trust me.

Fast forward to 2011 or so. I finally met up with Stan (at least I think it was him) at a coffee shop. He agreed to meet after learning he had influenced me to be humor columnist. We talked. We laughed. I bought his lunch.

He told me he was trying to decide whether or not to begin writing a column again now that he was no longer Evansville’s prosecuting attorney, a position he’d held from 1991 to 2010.

You should, I told him.

He said something like, Well…I don’t know. Maybe I have already written all there is for me to write.

Bull…, I thought.

Do it, I said.

Ultimately, he did it.

And he is still doing it—much to my joy and amusement—and he’s doing it quite well.

Clearly, his ink well has not gone dry.

Best of all, his writing has become better with age.

Stan losing his last election was the best thing to happen to the Tri-State—we got his column back. Not to mention this second collection of columns. The verdict is in: this is a funny, funny book—and you are better off (and so is Stan) for having bought it.

This new collection verifies that Stan is still a wonderful smartass—albeit, an older, wiser one.

It also verifies that I still want to be like Stan when I don’t grow up.

—Scott Saalman, Humor Columnist, The Herald (Jasper, Indiana); author, Nose Hairs Gone Wild; founder, Will Read and Sing For Food.

Preface

My first book, The Best of Stan Levco, was published in 1986. At the time, I’d hoped it would be the first of many.

But The Best of Stan Levco, whatever artistic success it may have achieved, was something other than a spectacular financial success. And having stopped writing after getting elected Prosecutor meant no new material. So my plans for the sequel had to be put on the shelf.

But over the years, I’ve never been able to let go of the thought of seeing more of my columns in book form. Once I began writing again regularly in 2012, a sequel to The Best of Stan Levco became inevitable.

Why did I want this book published?

Was it because of a demanding public? Not exactly. While people occasionally tell me they like my columns, I can’t recall anyone suggesting that I compile them in book form.

A desire to make money, perhaps? Not really. I wouldn’t mind making a profit, but I’ll be overjoyed to break even.

Was it to share my ideas with the world? Perhaps in a small part. I take a great deal of pleasure when I discover someone likes something I wrote. And publishing a book gives me the chance to have more people read more of my columns, which is a good transition for the bottom line reason I wanted to have this book published.

Ego.

Pure unadulterated ego.

Look what I wrote. Isn’t it clever? Look at me. I wrote a book.

I am dedicating this book to my two daughters – in chronological order – Jessica and Jeanine. It has crossed my mind on more than one occasion that I’d like them to have this tangible object to remember me by.

A project like this doesn’t happen overnight and without the help of many people. I couldn’t print these columns without the permission of the Evansville Courier and Press, The Prosecutor, and Evansville Living.

Teaching the truth about justice, Not ready for prime time, Running for office from 20 points behind, A prosecuting attorney is exactly who I am, A fair and impartial juror, and Prosecuting kiosks can be hazardous to your health are reprinted in this book by permission of The Prosecutor, Rhapsody in Blue is reprinted by permission of Evansville Living, and all others are reprinted by permission of the Evansville Courier and Press.

Dale McConnaghay gave me the opportunity to begin writing for the Evansville Press in the early 1980’s and Linda Negro gave me a second chance to write some of my second best columns.

Joe Rhodes shot the book cover and illustrated some of the columns.

Bob Pigman, Rick Young, and Erin Bauer were kind enough to help me choose which columns to include and Amanda Pharr, Barber & Bauer, LLP, had the arduous task, along with Lulu Publishing, of putting it all together.

I hope you, the reader, enjoy the book.

And I hope I break even.

CHAPTER

1

Old self waited near jukebox

Old self waited near jukebox

I’ve been going to Bloomington, -Ind., a lot lately to work on a case. It’s been over 15 years since I graduated from law school there and until recently I hadn’t been there much since graduation.

Getting back near campus has made me nostalgic for those college days, so for the past few weeks I’d been searching unsuccessfully for my old self.

This week, on a hunch, I stopped by the Memorial Union and there he was, my old self, sitting at a table near the jukebox.

Mind if I sit down? I asked.

He motioned to the empty chair.

I started to introduce myself. You’re not going to believe this, but I’m…

I know who you are. I’ve been expecting you.

How did you know I’d be back?

Everyone comes back looking for who he used to be. Some people just take longer than others.

I’ve been looking everywhere for you, I said.

Really? Where?

The motels where I’ve stayed, the courthouse, restaurants. I couldn’t find anyone who knew where I could find you.

Of course not, he said. We’re two totally different people now. We may be staying in the same town, but you never go to the places I go to anymore. Do you think I’d ever go to a restaurant that costs more than $3 for dinner?

I guess you’re right, but we’ve still got a lot in common.

Like what?

I still look a lot like you.

Not really. How old are you anyway?

Forty, but I don’t feel any different.

Well, you look old enough to be my father.

Hey, I didn’t come here to be insulted. If you want me to leave, just say so.

I was just kidding. There’s still a resemblance. I don’t mind if you stay. I’m just killing time anyway.

Shouldn’t you be studying?

Give me a break. I thought you of all people would understand. My courses are irrelevant. Like, who cares about corporations?

Don’t knock it. There’s a lot of money to be made in corporate law.

So what? When I get out of here I’m going to defend poor people unjustly accused of crimes.

You’d be surprised. Things change. Your perspective changes.

I suppose you looked me up to impart some great pearls of wisdom. Am I right, mister?

No. And even if I did, you wouldn’t listen.

Probably not, but try me.

OK. Just enjoy what you’re doing now.

I am.

No. I mean really enjoy it. Savor it. Don’t waste so much time. Once you leave here, you’ll never be able to get it back.