How To Train A Rock

By Paul Steven Stone

"How To Train A Rock" is a collection of 'short insights and fiction flights' culled from over 20 years of Paul Steven Stone's irreverent and quirky newspaper column, "A Stone's Throw".
The fifty pieces in the book are well-crafted, highly polished gems. From hilarious mock ads for 'The Law Offices Of Paul Steven Stone" to laugh-out-loud portraits of Boston sports fans, automated answering systems and the public lives of ladies named Paris and Britney, Stone's commentaries are often funny, occasionally profound and always creative.
Stone knows how to surprise the reader with twist endings, unexpected points of view and more narrative styles than a roomful of writers. You will laugh, you may cry, and most certainly you will be delighted.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paul Steven Stone
• Release date: Dec 6, 2011
• ISBN: 9781465740854

Paul Steven Stone

Advertising guru, humorist, novelist, philanthropist, environmental advocate and a man of many and varied opinions. All ways of describing a man named Paul Steven Stone who, in turn, describes himself as a "Damned Good Writer." Paul Steven Stone's writings have appeared in Cricket Magazine, Point South, Istanbul Literary Review, Wisdom Magazine, Bagel Bards Anthologies # 4 & 5, Fictionaut and The Wilderness House Literary Review. Stone's TV commercials for W.B. Mason appear in every Red Sox, Yankees, Nationals and Phillies baseball game. His novel, "Or So It Seems", has been called "A rollicking spiritual page-turner!" His second book, "How to Train A Rock", features the best humor and essays from 25 years of newspaper columns. Additionally, Paul Steven Stone has worked as a creative director in advertising, an environmental and human rights activist and a dime store philosopher. He presently works as Director of Advertising for W.B. Mason whose brand—'Who But W.B. Mason!''—Stone first created in 1986. Stone lives in Cambridge with his beautiful companion and wife, Amy, and summers on a pond in Plymouth.

Book preview

Buy This Book And Save

Hundreds Of Dollars!

I lied.

You won't save a penny buying this book. Truth is it will actually cost you money. But only about $5 if you take advantage of our first-time buyer's discount.

There I go again. That’s not true. You'll pay the same $15 that everyone else—except my mother—has to pay. And Mom's only saving a couple of bucks at that.

I didn't mean to lie, something just came over me.

The problem is, most of my professional life has been spent writing advertisements. So when I began to worry that intelligent readers like you might not purchase this incredible collection of my best A Stone's Throw columns—some of them hilarious, all of them shockingly inventive—I knew exactly what to do.

And I did it!

But don't let that stop you from buying How To Train A Rock. Because somewhere inside you'll find our mystery word which could win you an incredible two-week stay at a fabulous oceanside condominium in Cancun, Mexico or . . .

Sorry.

I did it again, didn't I?

There's no mystery word hidden inside, no luxury vacation to win. It's just another cheap trick on my part and I'm not proud of myself for pulling it.

Let's be honest. You won't save any money if you buy this book. Nor will you win a prize, improve your social standing, lengthen your sexual organs or even enjoy the benefits of space-age technology.

Truth is there's only one good reason why you or anyone else should purchase this book.

I just wish I could remember what it was.

***

HOW TO TRAIN A ROCK

Copyright © 2009 by Paul Steven Stone

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved, no part of this book may be used or

reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval systems without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations

embodied in critical articles and reviews.

How To Train A Rock may be ordered through selected

booksellers,Amazon.com, or HowToTrainARock.com

Paul Steven Stone can be contacted at:

[e-mail]

Because of the dynamic nature of the internet, any web

address or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid.

The stories in this volume are works of fiction.

All of the characters, names, incidents, organizations, and

dialogue mentioned are either products of the author’s

imagination or are used fictitiously.

ISBN: 978-1442117214

Printed in the United States of America

Rockin’ Hard thanks to the following for:

Rock Trainer Illustration: Gary Torrisi

Cover and Interior Design: Bill Dahlgren

Author and Wife Photo: Stranger On The Beach

***

HOW TO

TRAIN A ROCK

Short Insights and Fiction Flights by

Paul Steven Stone

tmp_a47dfa53605cf0b8325aaf156a13a96a_Jiu3oX_html_m2bf75502.jpg

Blind Elephant Press

Cambridge, Massachusetts

***

To David Cutler,

who picked up

a phone in search

of a newspaper columnist

and set in motion

a lifelong friendship.

Thanks David!

For better or worse,

you’re the godfather

of this madness.

***

By Way Of Explanation

As I mentioned in the dedication, David Cutler phoned me out of the blue one day asking if I wanted to write a column for his newspaper, The Scituate Mariner. From that phone call, in addition to its initiation of a lifelong friendship with David, I found myself on the threshold of a writing adventure that would span more than twenty-five years and half a dozen embodiments of my newspaper column. The reason for so many incarnations? I couldn’t seem to go longer than two years at the most before the column ran out of steam. Or, more correctly, I ran out of ideas. It wasn’t until the second iteration that the column assumed its proper name, A Stone’s Throw and started to move off into deeper and more uncharted waters. What had begun as a series of human interest commentaries now became a quirky ‘literary’ sort of venture. Odd insights and off-balance perspectives offered in a host of voices and writing styles had permanently, with great authority, taken possession of the driver’s seat.

In the end, after appearing in a host of publications, A Stone’s Throw was sent to readers via email. My rough-hewn version of a blog, I guess, before anyone knew about blogs. And now, in completion of its arc, you hold in your hand a paperback entitled How To Train A Rock.

I believe you'll find this book quite unusual. Compared to what, you ask? A volume of stories, a book of newspaper columns, a collection of opinion pieces…? I'll let you decide that for yourself. Short insights and fiction flights was as close as I could come to a description.

I invite you to sit back and enjoy yourself, for that's what this is all about. And while you do, I'll sit back myself and ponder the mysteries of Fate and its connections. And wonder what would have happened had I never answered the phone when David called?

Paul Steven Stone

Cambridge, Massachusetts

April 2009

***

tmp_a47dfa53605cf0b8325aaf156a13a96a_Jiu3oX_html_2724088.jpg

The First

Rock Trick:

Adversity’s Rainbow

In Which We Discover

The Healing Properties

Of Life’s Struggles

And Learn To

Laugh At Them

(Sometimes Uncontrollably)

***

tmp_a47dfa53605cf0b8325aaf156a13a96a_Jiu3oX_html_m75d3ba38.jpg

Pet Peeves

To those of you whose dogs recently dropped off samples on my lawn, my apologies for the tardiness of this report. I can only say that a poorly timed vacation coupled with a seasonal surge in the area's canine population has resulted in a mountainous backlog of test samples.

Yesterday, however, I pulled out the lawn mower and conducted the analysis you've been so patiently awaiting.

On the whole I'm happy to report the dog population of the South Shore appears healthy and well fed. The virus we had witnessed in early spring has clearly passed and, judging by the close proximity of test groupings, there is no indication of anti-social behavior between the different species.

On a less upbeat note, canine intelligence scores are on the decline. I observed during four separate testing periods that it took an average of three dogs to outwit the snap-down lids on my garbage cans. In prior tests a team of two dogs could accomplish pretty much the same task while scattering the trash samples over a much wider area.

As always, I urge each of you to have your dog leave his or her address when dropping off a fecal sample so I can return it to you for your own personal inspection.

In my next report I’ll discuss the various brands of beer and cheap wine that appear to be gaining in popularity with your teenagers.

***

tmp_a47dfa53605cf0b8325aaf156a13a96a_Jiu3oX_html_m75d3ba38.jpg

1-800-STONE’S- THROW

Thank you for dialing 1-800-STONES-THROW, a new concept in annoying interactive newspaper columns. If you are dialing from a rotary phone, why don’t you consider joining the rest of us in the 21st Century? If you are calling from a push-button phone please wait until you hear the number of the connection you wish to reach.

Are you with me so far? If so, please follow these simple instructions.

Press 1 if you understand what I’m saying.

Press 2 if you don’t understand.

Press 3 if you are starting to get some idea of what this column is about.

Press 4 if you wish to declare yourself confused by the entire concept, in which case…

Press 5to transfer to former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich reading Tales of Piracy: a Boy’s Journey Through American Politics.

For those of you who pressed number 1, please select one of the following to satisfy your burning need for additional mental stimulation…

Press 1 if you wish to hear an audio presentation of Bernie Madoff’s latest memoir, Love Is Never Having To Say You’re Sorry.

Press 2 if you’re getting tired of hearing about which buttons to press.

Press 3 if you’re now beginning to get some inkling of what this column is about.

Press 4 if you’ve already forgotten the other options we just mentioned.

Thank you for expressing interest in this week’s A Stone’s Throw column. Unfortunately, all our lines are presently busy, While you are waiting we would like to tell you about an offer expressly designed for individuals like yourself who possess above-average intelligence. But remember, you have to act now to ensure that your order will be processed and lost in the mail in time for the holidays.

If you are not interested in this week’s special offer, you may press 1 at any time to return to the main menu. Of course, if you press 1 you won’t get to hear about the bonus set of stainless steel Ginzu knives you’ll receive absolutely FREE just for printing your name clearly on the order form we’ll never actually send out to you.

This week we are proud to offer our readers a special commemorative volume of classic columns from the early years of A Stone’s Throw. Included in this unique collection which makes an ideal Christmas gift for hard-to-please relatives and friends are some of Paul Steven’s favorite columns, including Papa was a Rolling Stone’s Throw, My Friend Seka, and The Last Meadow in Massachusetts: A Developer Looks Back. In addition to the Naugahyde-bound edition…

Thank you. You pressed number 1 indicting your desire to return to the main menu. Of course it also indicates an appalling lack of intellectual aspiration, social responsibility or personal interest in our commemorative volume of classic columns from the early years of A Stone’s Throw. If at any time you wish to return to this unique offer please press 9. If you’re absolutely positive you would like to return to the main menu please press 1 now.

Thank you for dialing 1-800-STONES-THROW, a new concept in annoying interactive newspaper columns. If you are dialing from a rotary phone, why don’t you wake up and smell the new millennium? If you are calling from a push-button phone please press any number you haven’t yet pressed during this column.

Thank you for pressing number 8. We regret we are no longer allowed to respond to that number. If you are dialing from a rotary phone we suggest you dig a deep ditch in your backyard and bury your phone in it. If you are calling from a push-button phone please press the button that corresponds to the selection you wish to make.

Press 1 if you think you’ll probably never hear a real live human voice on the phone again.

Press 2 if you think this is the one phone call you’re allowed to make when they send you to hell.

Press 3 if this seems too much

Reviews for How To Train A Rock

[mrs9stansbury · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I enjoyed this book. However, it took me forever to read. Each short story deserved a moment of contemplation. I tried reading several in a row and nothing stuck. I suggest reading gradually over time. Several were insightful- even if you disagree with Stone a good think over was enjoyable.

[gmathis_7 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

Received on Library Thing Early Reviewer some time back. This was a collection of newspaper columns and slice-of-life pieces; quick and easy reads for evenings or lunch hours; a few humorous, a few thoughtful. I personally wished that scales were tipped more toward humor, but generally an OK short read.

[pegee101 · Rating: 2 out of 5 stars]

This was a very different read. If you are interested in novels, do not read this one. If you like quirky, amusing short stories about trivial things, this one is for you. It was an entertaining book and easy to read. There are no mysterious plots, threatening gunmen, or long, lost loves.

[joanpiccioni · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

I received this book from Library Thing member giveaway. I think my disappointment stems from the fact that it didn't meet my expectations of a light read of mostly funny anecdotes. That is what I expected but that is not what this book is about. In fact, some of the chapters are quite serious, almost dark. I think the author's description needs a rewrite. I didn't find the book 'often funny'

[helcura_1 · Rating: 3 out of 5 stars]

Reading this book is rather like panning for gold. Every now and then you catch a glint of something. A collection of columns from a small town newspaper, the book could have used some culling. There are several really nice pieces, such as the brief lyrical portraits of sundry anonymous men and the letters from the afterlife. There are also quite a few unexceptional thoughts-on-this-or-that type pieces. As well, there are some really lame attempts at humor and some that are just boring.
The pieces are short, so it's easy to skip on to the next one. Worth reading once if you like newspaper column style writing.