The Scream In My Body

By Sezai Topal

The novel which tells psychological problems of four women and its effects on their love life and relationships...

Mixed combinations of love stories, types and relationships in Turkey in 2000's....

Young people who stuck between East and West cultures and their obstacles...

The Scream in my body is a psychological novel which is written with post modern style...

CHAPTER 1

MELTEM-BURAK
"..I first noticed that she was looking at me in the library.
He had deep blue eyes and a child-like face, had brushed his hair back, his cheeks were so cute. The only thing I disliked about him was his moustache. His bell-bottomed trousers were seen under the table. If we ignored the moustache, he would even be said to be handsome. Of course, he could shave it.
I think I know people well. His looks, gestures, outfits, inner worlds and the way they have been brought up tell on. The man sitting opposite me seemed to be sophisticated..."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Oct 4, 2015
• ISBN: 9781329597136

Book preview

The Scream In My BodyD:\KIYAMET GERÇEKLİĞİ KÜLLİYATI Murat Ukray {2006-2012}\YAYINLANAN KİTAPLAR\Sezai Topal\KAPAKLAR\The Scream of my Body (Cover).jpg

The Scream In My Body

Sezai Topal

D:\KIYAMET GERÇEKLİĞİ KÜLLİYATI Murat Ukray {2006-2012}\YAYINLANAN KİTAPLAR\Sezai Topal\KAPAKLAR\Yeni Resim (1).bmp

TRANSLATED BY

DENIZ TANIS

(Author): Sezai TOPAL (Turkish Writer)

Interior Design & Graphical: e-Kitap PROJESİ

Cover Design : eKitap Projesi ®

Editorial: Banu Fişek & Fulya Saatçıoğlu

Publisher: eKitap Projesi ®

http://www.ekitaprojesi.com, Murat UKRAY

ISBN: 978-1-329-59713-6

September, 2015

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Foreword

The novel which tells psychological problems of four women and its effects on their love life and relationships...

Mixed combinations of love stories, types and relationships in Turkey in 2000's....

Young people who stuck between East and West cultures and their obstacles...

The Scream in my body is a psychological novel which is written with post modern style...

Special Thanks

To Mahmut UÇAR, Nergiz AÇIKGÖZ, Dilek ÖDEMİŞ and Fatih İNCE who made criticism and contributions during the writing of my novel;

to Saniye YILMAZ who supported me in every aspect,

to Emine Seçil Seven who inspired and contributions to me using her stories,

to my dear friend Sakine who welcomed me in Zurich in Switzerland.

All created beings, love the light and heavy ...

Sezai Topal, September 14, 2015

Biography of the Author

D:\KIYAMET GERÇEKLİĞİ KÜLLİYATI Murat Ukray {2006-2012}\YAYINLANAN KİTAPLAR\Sezai Topal\KAPAKLAR\Yeni Resim.bmp

Having been born in Kahramanmaraş, Sezai Topal spent his childhood and youth in K. Maraş, Adıyaman, Adana, Ankara and Mersin. He graduated from the Department of Teaching Philosophy in Çukurova University in 1998. He worked in various schools as a teacher. Currently, he works as a teacher in Mehmet Serttaş Anatolian High School. He has been doing his masters' degree in the department of Psychology in Toros University. He is interested in the psychology of childhood and adolescent, early adulthood problems and the problem of loneliness of people in our era.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Special Thanks

Biography of the Author

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Meltem-Burak

Chapter 2

Ceyda

Chapter 3

Metin

Chapter 4

The Encounter of Metin and Ceyda

Chapter 5

Love Likes Coincidences

Chapter 6

Love

Chapter 7

Murat In Zurich

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Metin's House

Chapter 10

Semester Break

Chapter 11

The Wind of Romance

Chapter 12

Ceyda - Metin

Chapter 13

Aunt Rahime

Chapter 14

The Man Following Ebru

Chapter 15

The Ringed Car

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

The Second Attempt

Chapter 18

Meeting Ms. Meltem

Chapter 19

Eskisehir Trip

Chapter 20

Ceyda, Gaye and Ms. Meltem

Chapter 21

Suleyman

Chapter 22

The Cow Feast In Mülkiye

Chapter 23

Conversation Between Ceyda - Gaye

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Nebahat Çehre

Chapter 26

Conversation Between Ceyda and Ebru

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

The Change of Plans

Chapter 29

Ceyda – Seçil

Chapter 30

A Sincere Talk With Ms. Meltem

Can Dündar

Chapter 31

The Offer Which Made Ceyda Angry

Chapter 32

Seeing a Gynecologist

Chapter 33

Betrayal

Chapter 34

The Unexpected Guests

Chapter 35

Love, Betrayal, Pride

Ceyda’s Emotions

Chapter 36

Rahmi 2011

Chapter 37

Depression

Chapter 38

Parting of the Ways

Ms. Meltem After the Farewell

Chapter 39

Break Up of Murat and Gaye

Chapter 40

Ceyda and Rahmi

Sometimes

Chapter 1

Meltem-Burak

I first noticed that she was looking at me in the library.

He had deep blue eyes and a child-like face, had brushed his hair back, his cheeks were so cute. The only thing I disliked about him was his moustache. His bell-bottomed trousers were seen under the table. If we ignored the moustache, he would even be said to be handsome. Of course, he could shave it.

I think I know people well. His looks, gestures, outfits, inner worlds and the way they have been brought up tell on. The man sitting opposite me seemed to be sophisticated.

I was curious about why he was looking at me carefully. I stopped reading the book and started to look back at him. When realized that I was looking at him, he leaned his head and pretended that he was reading a book. He was afraid of making eye contact with me. I was looking at his face without blinking. My looks must have bothered him that he didn't lift his head from the books.

I stood up and started to walk towards him. I was walking with confident steps. When he noticed that I was walking towards him, he bent his head onto the books more. I went passed by him and stood in front of a shelf. I pretended to be looking for a book. I couldn't see his face from where I was, but I knew he was looking at me out of the corner of his eye.

While passing by, I saw the name of one of the books on the table. It was Micro-economy. I guessed he studied economics or business administration.

Having taken a book about Greek mythology from the shelf, I went back to my table with firm steps. I randomly opened a page. It was written Apollo and Daphne on the page I opened. I started to read mythology:

Apollo falls in love with the water nymph Daphne, the daughter of Peneus who is one of the sea gods. The reason why he is desperately in love with Daphne is because he has been the target of one of the arrows of Eros the Cupid.

Apollo is actually a very good archer and loves to boast himself. One day, he encounters with the son of Aphrodite, Eros who is a good archer as himself and made sarcastic remarks about his archery skills. Eros who is angry because he has been mocked down wants to get his revenge and prepares two arrows for this reason.

Eros climbs on top of a rock with the two arrows he is holding. One of the arrows is to flame the love and the other one is to put it down. The first one has a golden, pointed tip, the other one has a blind tip of lead.

The golden arrow would give the one who gets shot passion and eternal love. The other arrow would totally take the one who gets shot far away from love and passion. Eros first shoots the golden arrow, the golden arrow shoots Apollo in the heart and Apollo desperately falls in love with Daphne. The other arrow Eros has shot gets stuck in the heart of Daphne. Daphne always runs away from Apollo and rejects his love.

Apollo tells Daphne For the love I have for you, here I am after you, why are you running away from me, like the lamb runs away from the wolf, the pigeon runs away from the hawk, please don't run away.

While Daphne wanders around one day, she encounters Apollo and starts to run away. However, realizing that she would be caught this time, Daphne asks her father Peneus for help.

Peneus converts Daphne into a laurel tree and when Apollo reached her, her heart beats can still be heard. Daphne will forever remain as a laurel tree, but Apollo with the love flame inside promises himself that he will never forget her.

He ensures that the crown made of laurel leaves and put on the head as a symbol of victories, so that Daphne is not forgotten. That is why we see the crown made of laurel leaves on the head of every Apollo statues.

I really liked the myth I read. I must have been impressed a lot that I found myself daydreaming. Eros had shot two golden arrows at the same time. One of the arrows got stuck on the dumb man in front of me, and the other one was proceeding towards me.

When one of the girls sitting diagonal to me dropped the books on her table on the ground, I involuntarily looked that way, so my dream was left unfinished.

It was almost course hour. Putting the book about mythology back, I left the library. I came back to the library at the same time the following day. I saw him looking at his watch at the seat where he was sitting yesterday. He was probably waiting for me to arrive. When I sat on the table opposite him, I realized his face was lightened up. I saw that day that he would sit like a scarecrow without talking or looking at me in the eyes for hours and even days. I didn't know why he was that afraid to talk to me.

We sat like that as if we were playing a silent game for five days without any eye contact. It was as if we were playing a game with simple rules. I found the name of the game: Game of not having an eye contact.

11

After having had lunch on Monday, I went to the library again, but this time I was deliberately ten minutes late. When I entered the library, I saw him sitting on the other edge of the table, looking towards the door. He lifted his head and looked at me in the eyes. The glint in his eyes swept my body all of a sudden. I don't remember if I have ever been impressed by a glance that much until that day. In his glance, I saw the love that would make me happy forever.

I sat on the table I always sat. He was facing back at me. He stood up and directed towards the shelf. After grabbing a book from the shelf, he sat where he used to sit to see my face. I saw him standing for the first time, he was a tall man. After he took his seat, we had eye contact a few times. I left the library to get to the course. I waited for him to come after me, but he didn't.

That day, I tried to make him feel with my glances that I was interested in him. I thought I gave enough courage to him to talk to me, but I didn't understand why he didn't talk to me.

While laying on my bed in the evening, I always dreamed about his blue eyes and warm glance. That evening, I thought for the first time that he would be dumb. The more I thought he was dumb, the more I felt feelings of love, compassion mixed with pity.

I didn't know why such a talkative person with high confidence like me waited so much. I thought I liked the silence game, sorry the game of not having eye contact.

We had to be quiet at the library. Today we had already violated the rules of the game and had three eye contacts.

When we violated the rules of the game that day, I made a decision myself; I would talk to him the following day and see whether he was dumb or not. The longer the game we had been playing got, the more I started to fall in love with this mysterious guy whose name I didn't even know. The arrow Eros shot was as if got stuck in my heart and started to show its effect.

Now I was in the library in every lunch break.

On Tuesday, after the lunch, I started to walk towards the library. I was determined to talk to him, but in case I learned that he was dumb, I knew I would be so upset. It was April. The sun slowly made us feel its presence.

Our quiet handsome had either social phobia or he was dumb, I was about to find out. By the way, I never thought the possibility that he wasn't in the library. I had found him at the same table since two months and everytime I saw him, I was happy. The sense of curiosity that the mysterious arouse in people wrapped me up.

Think about all these, I found myself close to the library. I lifted up my head and looked towards the library door and saw him. He leaned on the wall with a bouquet flowers waiting. When he saw me, he smiled looking at my face.

Hello, I'm Burak, he said.

My theory about whether he was dumb was rotten that moment.

Upon hearing his voice, I smiled and said, I started to think that you were dumb.

Smiling voice heard, I was beginning to think you're lala, I said.

Can we have some coffee? He asked.

Can we have some coffee together, he asked.

Of course, why not? I said.

If you accept, I want to give these flowers to you, he said and reached the bouquet of flowers to me. It was the first time that I received flowers from a man. I got so happy.

We decided to go to one of the cafes close to the university.

While walking, I said, Why haven't you talked for days since you speak very well?

I had two reasons not to talk; the first one is we didn't know each other and I didn't know what kind of reaction you would give. The second one is we were at the library and we had to be quiet.

I have given you a lot of courage to talk.

I waited for the right moment.

How come do you know that today is the right moment?

Since we are going to have coffee now, it is the right moment.

He was right. I felt as if I was walking with a friend of mine whom I have known very well for years. We were finally at the cafe. We both ordered mildly sweetened Turkish coffee. I learned that he was from Antalya. He was such a kind man.

After a few meeting we had somehow become lovers. We now met every weekend and wandered around Istanbul. After eating grilled fish sandwich in Galata, we used to feed seagulls with bagel pieces.

The first intimacy between Burak and me occurred in the cinema three months after we started to date. I held Burak's hand on an emotional scene of the movie we were watching. The cinema wasn't crowded, we were sitting on the back row. I wanted to kiss Burak, so I couldn't focus on the movie. Burak must have thought of the same since we started to kiss each other - I can't forget that moment-. It was the first time I kissed a man. I not only felt embarrassed, but I also enjoyed it a lot.

The glint in his blue eyes reflected our relationship as well. Everybody who knew us told us that we matched so well together and we were even the best couple they had known.

One year later, Burak rented a flat with a friend of him. I started to stay there at the weekend. When I stayed there, I slept with Burak in the same bed. First we only kissed each other.

When the weather got warmer, we both started to sleep with shorts. After hours of kissing, I felt that Burak became erect. Burak never did anything I would dislike. He paid particular attention not to hurt me. I was so impressed that he would control himself. He was waiting for the right moment. I also wondered what time would be the best to have a sexual intercourse.

At a weekend, I asked, How about drinking wine?

Looking into my eyes, he responded my question with another question asking, Are you thinking of what I am thinking?

I said, Yes.

Seeing those glances that reflected the compassion in his heart and melted me down, it was impossible not to be sure. I had no doubts that I was in love with Burak. What would be more normal than being the woman of the man I was in love? It was time to be one. I was the one who decided on the right moment now.

I had nervousness and fear about being one that I hadn't admitted even to myself. I thought a few glasses of wine would sweep away this nervousness and becoming one would be easier.

His roommate Ömer didn't come home that night. Most probably, Burak had asked Ömer to stay at his friends to make me feel more comfortable and Ömer had agreed on.

Everything was ready for a romantic night.

We drank wine and talked until midnight. I told Burak about the love of Apollo for Daphne I read on the Greek mythology.

You had walked towards me in the library, which had made me feel so nervous; I had thought you would have shouted at me, Why are you looking at me? I had felt at ease when you had walked passed by me, taken a book about Greek mythology and returned to your seat. You had read about this that day, hadn't you?

Yes, so you had seen which book I had taken that day.

Wine that I had been drinking started to show its effect. I stood up and went by Burak and holding his hand, I took him to the bedroom. We began to kiss standing. I was unable to guess how much pleasure I would feel once he was inside me since even kissing him made me feel so great.

We undressed each other and laid on the bed all naked. Burak wandered on my lips with his fingers.

Come on, don't stop, just kiss me!, I said.

He began to kiss most of my naked body. It felt so weird when he kissed me on my belly. I pointed my nipple with my finger. The more he kissed my breasts, the more erect he become.

Suddenly I began to oppress myself, I didn't understand why I did so. When Burak touched my organ with his penis, I felt that all my body got strained all of a sudden.

I pushed Burak away with my hand while he was trying to get inside me. I don't remember what I did and said next.

Then, according to what Burak told me, all my body had got stiff, even my lips and eye lids started to tremble because of fear.

When I recovered myself, Burak was telling me, My Princess, calm down, it's ok, let's do nothing.

Chapter 2

Ceyda

They left the course Turkish Foreign Policy of Melek Teacher.

After the course, they went to a cafe and had a little chat. They had recently returned from holidays, Ceyda who was generally very cheerful somehow seemed quiet today. Her roommate didn't know why Ceyda was quiet. She waited to go back home to ask the reason. After a while at home;

Ceyda, you were cheerful yesterday, what has happened to you? she asked.

I had a weird dream last night, I guess I have still had a bearing upon it.

Tell me about it!

We are in a wedding hall, guests, witnesses and the registrar are waiting and you are my marriage witness. I have a white wedding gown on me and feel like princesses in fairy tales. Everything is just like I want. I am trembling because of happiness.

Where is the groom? you ask.

I say, He's gone to the rest room, he will be back soon. However, the bridegroom never comes back.

Who is the bride groom? What does he look like?

I never see the groom in my dream.

Weird!

So yes, for hours, I have waited for the groom whose face I haven't ever seen, but he is not even around. You lean on my ear and ask how long we would wait and say that it had been an hour and our bride groom wasn't around.

And I suggest to wait a little more, he will definitely be back.

So has he come?

No, he hasn't. So I start weeping.

What happens then?

Since the bride groom doesn't show up, the guests leave the wedding hall one by one. There is only me and my dad in the wedding hall. Dad comes next to me and tries to comfort me. I hug my dad and cry. Then I woke up.

Yes, it is weird, I have never seen such a dream.

I am quiet affected by it, everything was so real, I had tears on my cheeks when I woke up.

Just a dream!

Yes, you're right, have you never dreamed of yourself wearing a wedding gown?

No, what about you?

I have, if I marry one day, I want to have a countryside wedding. Wearing a white wedding gown is my biggest dream like all the other women.

Not mine!

You will change your mind in the future.

So what kind of wedding gown do you want?

I want a fish skirt gown with a sweetheart neckline, French lace and not extravagant stones. It would be perfect with a embroidered veil.

So our girl has already planned everything out.

She has and so what? Look at me, I' still single.

We are so different. Let marrying be, I am even bored of long term relationships, and you dream about getting married.

Well, I brought up by my granny.

While Ceyda wanted to have a long term relationship with her boyfriend, her roommate Ebru liked short term relationships. It had been a year since they moved together. Despite the fact that they had sometimes contrary characters, they had got along well for a year now. Ceyda was starving. Turning at Ebru, she said,

Come one, cook some pasta!

What do you want e to cook?

Of course Fettucine Alfredo.

Do we have chicken breast?

Yes, I bought some yesterday.

Ok, then I will.

Chapter 3

Metin

"I didn't even know myself how much I was into team games. Every time we won, we were more connected to each other. We knew what our team mates were trying to do sometimes with just a glance and sometimes with just a gesture. We knew each other so well. There was a single brain and heart in five different bodies on the stage. We had become a large family with the team and coach.

After having managed to be a real team, we had begun to play basketball like playing chess. The first half of the match was mostly at pal. It was because we were trying to get to know the opponent at the first half. We would also win the match differently by having the upper hand as soon as the match started, but then neither us nor the audience would enjoy the match enough. Although we took all the matches we played serious, we never forgot that it was just a game. Our coach used to tell us before each match, Come on, kids! Show me how you have fun and rejoice the tribunes, never forget that's a game!

During the match, we used to do what our coach wanted us to. We rejoiced the tribunes with the game we played. When we saw how the tribunes were rejoiced, we played basketball so well that it wouldn't be expected from a school team.

After we found out weaknesses and superior aspects of our opponents, we had the upper hand in the second half. After we had the upper hand, it was easy. Then we enjoyed the game like kids. We were engrossed in the game thinking about nothing else.

We were successful in this year's inter-school basketball tournament with this game approach of us and we went to the semifinals. The only think that upset me was that my father couldn't watch the semifinal game."

That was what Metin wrote in his diary before sleeping. The Coach Oktay told them to sleep early. He did what his coach said and slept early. Since he had slept early, he woke up early in the morning. He fed the fish before breakfast. He looked at the fish one by one just like his father used to do. Two of them were still. He looked more carefully after opening the lid of the aquarium. They were dead.

He had promised his father about taking care of the fish. He had changed the water of the aquarium and fed them. He didn't know why they both died. The water temperature of the aquarium was normal. Other fish looked pretty well. He just didn't understand why two fish